Asking for life advice/ dealing with ex and kids

Baibars

Don Juan
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Hey guys

Im 25 years old and im german. I found this forum from rollo tomassis book.

When i was 19 i met a girl that lived with her single mom and her brother and sister, both from different fathers in a village here.
I texted her on the internet and we had a date and got in a relationship.
After a few months she got pregnant. My family is very religious and conservative so it was hard to tell it to my father ( we didnt speak for a year) but i did it because i was convinced that it was the right thing.
I was conditioned that the best way in such a case is marriage so we married and lived together with the baby. After 2 years she left me and she went to her Grandfathers house. I got in depression and texted her and wanted to get her back.
I must say that many things happened in that years we lived together. I was violent and unhappy, treated her bad but i was this typical blue pill beta. I was working at that time and she couldnt be a good house wife, couldnt even keep the house clean.
Later i found out that she was texting a guy and she planned to left with our kid months ago and she did it finally one day when i was at work
After begging for a while she offered me to move 200 km away near her grandfathers house so we can build a good relationship and see what happens. But all the time i couldnt get her to a relationship. We just had sex sometimes and i was beta as ****.
I later found out that she also had other guys at that time we were in contact.
She had a ****buddy and i got in depression. One time i was in her house and she told me to leave and she was very aggresive by that. I was able to get her phone and i found out that she was texting with him. They texted really pervert so i got angry and beated her.
But i still wanted her and after a while with help of a friend of mine we got together and moved in a flat with our kid.
We lived for a year there and she got pregnant again. And when she was at 6 month of pregnancy she left me again and i found out again that she was texting to others but couldnt prove cheating.
Then i was begging again and again. But at the end i decided to move back to my parents house and she stayed at our flat..
At that time i was really depressed and thought about suicide. I also found out that she had a new guy but he left him and i was mentally better because i went to church and it helped me alittle . I didnt text her for some month. She asked me if we can be together again or even try it. And after i declined it for a while i accepted. Thats almost a year from today now and we had sex at this time and we met sometimes. But she didnt want to get in a relationship with me and at this time i acted like i did before.
And now shes telling me that she will move to the village near my parents house again with the kids. But she is icecold and she treats me like ****.
I had some girls in my life and had not such problems them leaving me but i always think about my kids.
I also made a dna test and they are both mine. I just wish my kids and their mother were with me and everything could be ok.

Ive read The rational Male some weeks ago and that really opened my eyes. Since then i didnt act foolish and i realized the mistaked i did.
My financial Situation and my job/career Situation isnt good but my family is wealthy and they Support me.
Im working on myself now and things getting better.
But there are 2 kids now i have to pay for at least 15 years from now on and there is that idea in my head that i should be with her until they are grown and then dump her. I Think she will come back to me after a while when she lives here and realizes my changes.

But i dont know if that would be the right decision. I need your advice. I know that i was dumb and wasted my time. Just tell me your opinion.

And sorry for my bad english.
 
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Epic Days

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The rational male is a good primer but there’s a lot more to this.
 

Black Widow Void

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Welcome aboard.

I guarantee that everyone here has also had something in their past that they considered weakness; which they later regret. In other words, you aren’t alone here. You are on the right path because you recognize this and want to make changes. Many men continue down the wrong path the rest of their lives.

Aside from mistakes with women, there’s something here that you currently need to work on. You mentioned getting violent with your ex. I’m not here to lecture. I’m just stating a fact. In view of your situation with this women, it’s easy to understand how you would be angry. However, a woman doesn’t ‘make’ a man become violent. A man is self-accountable. This is something you need to work through; not just for your self-improvement, but also because you have kids.

It sounds like you and your ex had a different upbringing. From what you’ve written, it sounds like she didn’t learn anything from her dysfunctional upbringing. Instead, she continued this cycle.

It also sounds like your upbringing was more traditional than hers. It looks like your role of fatherhood is going to be twice as difficult as a result of her upbringing and current behavior.

You have a big challenge ahead of you. From what you’ve shared about your upbringing, it sounds like (with self-determination) you’ll do fine. I’m sure that you want your kids to turn out more like you than their mother.

Having personally grown up with divorced parents, I’d like to offer you some personal advice. As tempting as it will be to speak badly of their mother, don’t’ do it. You might think that the mother deserves it, but your kids will think otherwise. During this period of life, she may speak badly of you and you might want to “get even” or prove that you weren’t the only bad person on the marriage. Again, your kids will not see it the same as you. Instead, be a “rock” (foundation) to your children. Their mother sounds really phucked up and if you can remain calm (work on your violence) you will provide them with dependability and stability; which I’m sure that they will desperately need.

Best of luck to you.
 

Baibars

Don Juan
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Welcome aboard.

I guarantee that everyone here has also had something in their past that they considered weakness; which they later regret. In other words, you aren’t alone here. You are on the right path because you recognize this and want to make changes. Many men continue down the wrong path the rest of their lives.

Aside from mistakes with women, there’s something here that you currently need to work on. You mentioned getting violent with your ex. I’m not here to lecture. I’m just stating a fact. In view of your situation with this women, it’s easy to understand how you would be angry. However, a woman doesn’t ‘make’ a man become violent. A man is self-accountable. This is something you need to work through; not just for your self-improvement, but also because you have kids.

It sounds like you and your ex had a different upbringing. From what you’ve written, it sounds like she didn’t learn anything from her dysfunctional upbringing. Instead, she continued this cycle.

It also sounds like your upbringing was more traditional than hers. It looks like your role of fatherhood is going to be twice as difficult as a result of her upbringing and current behavior.

You have a big challenge ahead of you. From what you’ve shared about your upbringing, it sounds like (with self-determination) you’ll do fine. I’m sure that you want your kids to turn out more like you than their mother.

Having personally grown up with divorced parents, I’d like to offer you some personal advice. As tempting as it will be to speak badly of their mother, don’t’ do it. You might think that the mother deserves it, but your kids will think otherwise. During this period of life, she may speak badly of you and you might want to “get even” or prove that you weren’t the only bad person on the marriage. Again, your kids will not see it the same as you. Instead, be a “rock” (foundation) to your children. Their mother sounds really phucked up and if you can remain calm (work on your violence) you will provide them with dependability and stability; which I’m sure that they will desperately need.

Best of luck to you.
Hey thank you for your reply. I must say your analysis is very accurate.

But do you Think i should even consider to take her back if there would ever be a opportunity.
Youre right that i was raised traditionally and i believe that i should sacrifice myself for my kids.
Here in germany child Support is also very high and im worrying about my Future life.
 

Black Widow Void

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Hey thank you for your reply. I must say your analysis is very accurate.

But do you Think i should even consider to take her back if there would ever be a opportunity.
Youre right that i was raised traditionally and i believe that i should sacrifice myself for my kids.
Here in germany child Support is also very high and im worrying about my Future life.

You're welcome.

In a relationship, I believe that people have to work on themselves before they can work on a relationship. If you two get together again and haven't done the personal work on yourselves... you can probably expect things to get worse and not better. At this point, it's not about you two, but about the environment of your two children.

Like most kids that grew up in divorce, I always wanted my parents to get back together. Now that I'm an adult, I'm very thankful that they remained divorced. I've had many friends that later told me that they *wished* that their parents had gotten a divorce. They grew up seeing a lot of dysfunction and being unhappy. My mother and father never worked on themselves. Instead, they always blamed the other. If I had grown up with both of them living under the same roof, I'm sure that my life would be more messed up.

I share the above because if you and your ex aren't willing to work on yourselves first (and it requires both parties to do this) and then work on being a couple ... while also working together with your children, I think it's better for couples as you described to remain separated
 
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strikerace13

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If there 's one thing you'll learn on here is to see the red flags in everything you said about her. Write down everything to prove this train wreak shouldn't have your kids, she will only mess them up. A man with traditional values should only be with a girl with the same kind of values. You want to see what a girl is going to be like, Get to know the mom and dad first off the bat. That should be your first goal when dating any girl.
 

Baibars

Don Juan
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You're welcome.

In a relationship, I believe that people have to work on themselves before they can work on a relationship. If you two get together again and haven't done the personal work on yourselves... you can probably expect things to get worse and not better. At this point, it's not about you two, but about the environment of your two children.

Like most kids that grew up in divorce, I always wanted my parents to get back together. Now that I'm an adult, I'm very thankful that they remained divorced. I've had many friends that later told me that they *wished* that their parents had gotten a divorce. They grew up seeing a lot of dysfunction and being unhappy. My mother and father never worked on themselves. Instead, they always blamed the other. If I had grown up with both of them living under the same roof, I'm sure that my life would be more messed up.

I share the above because if you and your ex aren't willing to work on yourselves first (and it requires both parties to do this) and then work on being a couple ... while also working together with your children, I think it's better for couples as you described to remain separated
I have another question regarding all this. Now that i realized my situation and all the mistakes i did by making kids with this slutty woman i feel very down.
I always think about the reality that i have to pay child support at least for the next 15 years. With an average income of 2000 € at my job i have to pay 700-800 of it every month and that means living at a low standard without the option to build something for my future.
And all this kills my hope and my drive to get better in life. I feel hopeless and defeated by this girl and all this because of my idiocy.
 

billtx49

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i have to pay 700-800 of it every month and that means living at a low standard without the option to build something for my future.

And all this kills my hope and my drive to get better in life. I feel hopeless and defeated by this girl and all this because of my idiocy.
You certainly won’t improve your financial situation by crying the blues. Start thinking about improving your earning capabilities to a level that will make your current predicament a thing of the past…
You made some life mistakes, we All do, now deal with the results and Rise to the challenge
 
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