Dear Carolyn: I got engaged last year to "Lynn," and we were completely happy until one night a party went bad, and alcohol and chemistry led my fiancee to cheat on me with someone she works with. At first I accepted that things happen. Then I began to get confused.
I told my girl I was not happy with their hanging out together any more. She said she needed friends, it was a mistake, "please trust me." So I did. She is still friends with him and they hang out once in a while, to this day. I am thinking I should tell her to pick him or me, but that feels wrong. I know the value of friendship. But I don't want my heart trampled again.
-- Frozen in Minnesota
Dear Frozen: You've set your own pain aside, twice -- out of respect not just for her friendship with this guy, but also for your friendship with her. So, yes, I'd say you do know the value of friendship.
The question is, does she?
Whom she befriends, where you draw lines and whether and what to forgive -- these are all details only you and Lynn can work out. Name any arrangement, and you'll find at least one couple who has made it work. That's why no one can tell you that giving this friendship your blessing is right, wrong, heroic, chumpy or nuts. Or all five.
I know a lot of people disagree with that (and can't wait to tell me so) and wonder how anyone in these circumstances would trust Lynn not to cheat.
But it's beside the point. She can climb Mount Fidelity and still trample you with every step.
The issue is whether you can trust her to care how you feel. You got engaged -- that means you both volunteered to watch out for each other through life.
Please watch closely how she treats you, and ask yourself if you're taking care of each other in this relationship, or if you're both taking care of her.
That's what you trust. Sometimes the problem isn't the sacrifice you're making; it's that you were ever asked to make it.
