Approaching the Altar

[DavenJuan]

Excited about the new forum.. I think it provides a "voice" to this board that has been missing.

First post in a very long time. I think its been almost 2 years since ive threaded about my personal life or anything for that matter. ALOT has transpired since then.

Purchased my first home last year, which is an amazing feeling. Upsides and Downsides to owning your own home, not to mention the fact that, lets face it, the BANK actually owns the house, but its still nice to sit on your own backdeck and know its yours. Also had my first child baby boy. its an unexplainable feelng becoming a parent, and the SIGNIFCANT life changes that accompany.

More importantly, as it relates to this thread, Im currently engaged to my 6 1/2 year girlfriend. We are getting married in September.

I wanted to reach out to some of our married/divorced members, and see what advice you guys would like to share. I dont expect things to change much. Things are already great, but just like I didnt expect parenthood to be what it is, i imagine marriage has its surpises as well.

 

[apocolipto]

Congrats on the baby boy!

 

[Spinning Spinning]

Yeah congrats mate we had a boy in feb last year.

The only advice I can give you is that your unity with your fiance will either strengthen or weaken there is no in between so do your best to make it positive.

 

[Desdinova]

Is it your name alone that's on the house, or is hers on it too? If it's just your name, that's one case where I'd sign a pre-nup before the marriage.

Regarding the marriage itself, I'm personally not a fan of signing the marriage license. I think weddings are wonderful and don't regret mine one bit.... except for signing that damned legal document. If there is any chance that your gf would go for a wedding with that one detail removed from it, then I'd highly recommend doing it that way.

With regards to the wedding: This is not something you should go into debt over. I've known people who spent $20,000 on a wedding. You can buy a vehicle for that price! I think my wedding cost all of $3000 which involved a lot of work on our end and resourcing from people we knew. If a low-budget wedding isn't good enough for your woman, then all she wants is a day to be a princess. The marriage starts AFTER the wedding, not with the wedding.

Other than that, have fun!

 

[DavenJuan]

Is it your name alone that's on the house, or is hers on it too? If it's just your name, that's one case where I'd sign a pre-nup before the marriage.

Regarding the marriage itself, I'm personally not a fan of signing the marriage license. I think weddings are wonderful and don't regret mine one bit.... except for signing that damned legal document. If there is any chance that your gf would go for a wedding with that one detail removed from it, then I'd highly recommend doing it that way.

With regards to the wedding: This is not something you should go into debt over. I've known people who spent $20,000 on a wedding. You can buy a vehicle for that price! I think my wedding cost all of $3000 which involved a lot of work on our end and resourcing from people we knew. If a low-budget wedding isn't good enough for your woman, then all she wants is a day to be a princess. The marriage starts AFTER the wedding, not with the wedding.

Other than that, have fun!

Thanks for the positive responses. In regards to the marriage license, how legit is it that NOT signing it validate any consequences in the event of divorce? Or better asked, me not signing the marriage license does what exactly?

We are paying for our wedding, instead of our parents. And decided that we arent going to spend alot of money for just one day. Though we arent going to get close to 3000. We are expecting the cost to be around 6000 or so.

 

[Colossus]

If you dont sign a marriage license in the US you effectively (legally) arent married. Depending on what state you live in common law may come in to effect after several years of cohabitation. Plus, you have a child together, which in the court's eyes is similar to legal marriage. The only thing not signing a marriage license would protect you from is maybe losing your home in the event of a separation, provided it's only you on the mortgage. But good luck talking a woman into that...without the commitment of that contract it sort of negates the whole purpose of marriage for them. It not only signifies your dedication to her (in her eyes) but a long term contract = long term security, because you cant just prance out without a major process. That sounds cynical, I know, but women always have and always will have more to gain from marriage than men. It doesn't necessarily mean they do it for selfish reasons, but the stakes are much higher for us.

If you feel you've met an exceptional girl, then I say go for it. Marriage should always be the exception for a man, not the rule.

 

[Desdinova]

In regards to the marriage license, how legit is it that NOT signing it validate any consequences in the event of divorce? Or better asked, me not signing the marriage license does what exactly?

If your relationship ends up not working, you will not have to pay for the divorce papers and will not have to pay court fees to have the legal contract broken.

The way I see it, there is really no reason for the marriage license to exist. You can have a huge party, invite all your relatives, put rings on each others' fingers, change her last name, buy a house and have kids without the need to sign a legal document. IMO, that document serves absolutely no purpose but to complicate the beginning and ending of relationships.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

I'm with Desdinova on the marriage subject. Look inside yourself and ask: "Why do I really want to get married? What do I stand to lose and what do I stand to gain?"

Always make sure that she works, whether married or not (a mistake I made was letting my wife stay home to raise the kids), I'm not sure it made that much of a difference in the way they turned out. However, it makes a huge difference when you get divorced after a long term marriage when it comes to alimony.

And With a long term marriage, if you get divorced, you could be facing permanent alimony. Yes, that's right, you could wind up having to pay money every month to your ex wife for the rest of your life...

Also, bear in mind that getting married isn't about romance and it isn't about love.

It is however, very much about these two things:

Entering into a legal contract with a woman

Inviting the state into your personal affairs and letting the state have jurisdication over what happens to your possessions, your savings and
your future earnings if you get divorced.

Make no mistake about it, that is what marriage is.

If I knew at 24 what I know about marriage now, there is no way I would have ever entered into a legal contract with a woman and the state.

 

[white.thomas4]

Congrats for the baby boy DavenJuan. Hope you have a happy married life ahead.

 

[iqqi]

Congratulations Daven, if I haven't said it already.

I bet you were expecting a bit of cynicism here, and it is probably a little over the top! I do think some interesting points were made however, such as the fact that once you strip away the romance of it all, you really are just entering a contract with the state and a woman.

However, looking at it from your eyes, I imagine that is a "contract" you want to take. You are practically common law married anyways at nearly 7 years together. You've decided you are in it for life with her, and have 7 years history to confirm you've made the right decision, and with the right one. She is your other "half", and the one who makes your life "whole", and home. The mother of your child, and future children. Let's not forget what REAL commitment is.

It is very negative and cynical for everyone to only look for the negative ending to this relationship. Someone mentioned it was a mistake for the woman to stay home with the kids because alimony ended up being more. I think that is effed up! Once you have kids, they ARE the priority! So if it benefits them for one parent to stay home, then that should happen. Especially at the young ages.

The contract Daven is entering into here is one that is before god (I don't believe in that part however just saying), and is a centuries old tradition.

He is saying that they will build a home together, a family, and that they are in it for life. She is saying the same. They will both make sacrifices for the whole. Having a child is a sacrifice. So is marriage. But not necessarily a bad one. Sometimes it is the right one to make.

I have faith theirs will be a great marriage, because of the length of their relationship. If, in a worst case and totally unlikely scenario, things should end, I even think it would end ok for them because they truly have love and concern for one another.

Congrats, man!

 

[Lexington]

Will you be signing a prenup? I'm not married, but I've seen the lack of a prenup really screw some guys over. Just about any attorney will tell you that it's a wise thing to do.

I hope you do have a long and prosperous marriage but remember, most people who get divorced (and more than 50% or marriages end in divorce) didn't expect that to happen.

So make sure you get a good prenup and make sure that you have proper legal representation to ensure that it's valid.

 

[backbreaker]

cut the op some slack he dated the girl for damn near 7 years. i think he knows what he has gotten himself into. he's not like most guys who get married beucase the girl is pushing it after a year and a half and they feel that'st eh next "level" of the game of life.

congrats on the house.

It's one thing to advice a guyt o slow down but once a guy is engaged you have to cut the negativy out i mean **** dude it's this dude's future wife you are talking about now some bar skank. he's in love he's getting married. if it works it works if it doesn't it doesn't but 6 and a half years i think he has a read on his girl and a pretty decent head on his sholders.

Also had my first child baby boy. its an unexplainable feelng becoming a parent, and the SIGNIFCANT life changes that accompany.

o it wears off lol. wait until they can actually talk and run and throw and flush ****. that said i love my son more than i love myself. i never thought i would love anyone more thani love myself but i would happily take a bullet for that little rugrat lol.


the best advice i can give you, don't settle down. things do not change just beucase you have a ring on your finger. you have to still game your wife just like she was your GF.

pay your house off as fast as possible, even if it means cutting back a little in the life style department it will be well worth it in the long run, keep a seperate bank account and have a joint bank account never put yourself in a position where she has control over all your money, that' sjust pratical common sense, regardless of how much you are in love. know what's going on with the finances, if youa ren't a money guy some guys pride themselves in letting the misses handle the money. don't be that guy. lol one of our friends or better stated my wife's friends is going through a divorce and she has no job at all yet he is wondering where she is getting the money to rent an apartment and have it fully furnished lol.

i mean.. just dont' change. most marriages fail because either the guy has no clue what he has on his hands, or he thinks now that he has her he can stop working, and settle. don't settle.

Today, is not only fathers day, it's my birthday. lol not only that, it's our first year anny. all on the same day. that's some **** lol. i wanted to be married on my birthday, beucase my wife is the best b day present anyone can ever give me and i mean that. love that woman to death like i never thought i could love a woman, I am the most or one of the most analytical / pratical people here but do not let the forum make you think all women are scumming *****s lol. if you got a good woman, lock her up and treat her well.