Approaching 40 and friendships

[Machine10033]

Slightly off topic but something i was hoping to get some input on. My entire life I have always had a group of close friends. In high school and college I had what i would call my best group of friends. After we graduated they went on and did the marriage and kids thing. I was in all their weddings and over the last 10 years we slowly stopped communicating. I have not talked to two of them in over two years and last time i talked to my college roommate was around Christmas. Most people in my age group 35-40 are at an entirely different stage in life. I do have a group of friends that i go out with occasionally two of them are married with kids and it is rare to hear from them. The other one who is ALWAYS up for going out is somewhat toxic. He is married (unlike me) and carrying on multiple affairs. Me and him hang out the most simply because he was always available. But over the last few months I have distanced myself from him. I am realizing i was a better person with him out of my life. I have always gotten the sense that this guy is somewhat of a frenemie. We work in the same fields and I have helped him several times with his career and yet never received one ounce of help when i needed it.... or any congrats when I got promoted. My concern is once i end this friendship I will essentially lose another group of friends. At 37 it seems much more difficult to keep a circle of genuine friends anymore. I wanted to see if you guys feel the same and experienced the same ?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Holy sh*t. I literally just booted up my computer in order to post the exact same question this morning. You beat me by 10 minutes.

I'm 40. I've moved around a bit for work, so left the friends I made in my 20's behind. I have remained close friends with the best of those people, but none of them live here. I got married and moved to the suburbs in my early 30's. No kids, but I am more of an introvert and stupidly I got much of my social needs met from my wife. I have a lot of hobbies so between text/phone/email communication with my close friends who live far away, my wife, and my hobbies, I was content. Now that I'm divorced, my hobbies and remote friends aren't enough. It's very lonely living alone in the suburbs and I've been trying to figure out how to rebuild my social life so I have more friends who I can hang out with on a regular basis. I do have some local friends but as they've had kids and focus on their careers and wives, they just get too busy to be reliable. So to answer your question, it's a huge YES - it's been the same experience for me.

I'm going to move back into the city, so that will help, but beyond that I'm not sure what to do. I've looked on Meetup.com for stuff but just not seeing the kind of cool people I would identify with. I'm looking for people I can have beers with on patio bars with, go to house parties with, go backpacking with... and who could be a wing-man. I get along great with people from late 20's and up. I've experimented with taking up some new hobbies in order to meet people, and while I've met some nice genuine people, none of them would work out as a wing-man.

I'd love to hear from people in similar situations, what they have done to rebuild a social life in their late 30's and up.

 

[VladPatton]

If you're over 40 and single, you're gonna be a threat to any friend's wife. They'll think you're going to pull them away from her and the family. Plus, they'll never be able to match you on free time. Ever.

Just find things to do that you enjoy, especially something difficult and creative. Better alone than in bad company.

 

[Poonstra]

Hmmm. I seem to be in the same situation. I'm turning 40 this summer and broke the LTR off a bit more then a year ago.
The friends I've got I've know since I was 9, so some of these guys I've know for 30 years. However, they are doing the wife and kids thing, and its hard enough to get the gang back together for one evening a month. I work and live in the same city, and so do some of my coworkers, so there's a group of single men that we go to beer festivals with and such. They are nice guys but I see them at work so these occasions happen like once every 3-4 months or so.
Then there's this girl from Thai-boxing, she about 26, whom I tried to date, but she turned out to be gay. We became pretty good friends. Sometimes we go out and try to pick up girls.This happens once every 6 to 8 weeks or so.
There is also this other guy from my youth. But he lacks any ambition and is pretty selfish. He doesn't have a job, does a lot of drugs (and I'm not talking about just reefer) and for those reasons he doesn't go anywhere so we usually hang at his or mine place. I've known him for such a long time that I don't want to break the friendship off, but I'm not fooling myself, he's not gonna amount to anything this late in his life. The dude used to slay like a madman, but for some reason he lost interest in girls. I think I see him once every 8 weeks or so.
The last group are the former coworkers whom I've kept in touch with. Some times you've got this special click with someone and you just seem to get along for some reason. But these meetings also don't happen that often.
Of course this is besides the birthdays and social gatherings that you normally have.
I am a home brewer, so I make my own beer. I'll occasionally invite people over if I've got a new batch ready. This seems to be popular and people keep showing up to these events and my coworkers keep bugging for new beer. This is a good hobby to have. The activity of brewing beer it self isn't very social, but the drinking of it can be.
I'm thinking about half my weekends are filled with the things listed above. The other half I try to set up dates, with mixed results. So I am also very curious how other people go about organizing their social life and how they meet new people.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

but for some reason he lost interest in girls

Ask him what his secret is so I can use it.

 

[logicallefty]

I am right there with you, OP. In my mid-late 30s I lost a lot of close friends because 1) I was more successful then them and they got jealous OR 2) I stopped being the slightly less dominant person between the two of us and they couldn't handle it. No more offering to help them move after they could never help me. No more jobs leads for them when they weren't supportive of me in my career accomplishments. No more offering to come fix their wifi issues when they didnt respond to 5 x previous "hey whats up" messages from me and then all the sudden want me to drop everything to come fix their sh|t when they can't even give me the courtesy of a reply to my messages. FORGET ABOUT IT. This is pretty normal for many guys. My friends are my lowest priority area in life of any. The only thing lower priority is women. Just find those 2-3 friends you know have your back and let the rest go if you need to.

 

[user43770]

Going through the same thing. Most people tend to settle down and have kids. When they do, they're hard pressed for time. The last thing they want to hear is the red-pill.

I fill my time by working out, meeting women, reading, hiking, gambling on baseball yadda yadda

I read something years ago that said 99% of the people you meet in life will leave it eventually. From my experience, this is true.

Do your best to maintain the relationships you find worthwhile, be open to meeting new people and never pass up a good time.

 

[Dingo]

I'm 57... The only friends you need are those that will help you bury a body....

 

[Focal core]

just want to make quick quote here as im approaching 40s too.. at this age is best to focus on yourself, enhancing and look forward growth.

Keep trying to figure out what makes you tick, and you'll neversuffer from boredom.

 

[Billtx49]

I'm 57... The only friends you need are those that will help you bury a body....

View attachment 1360

Yes, as you age with the every day demands of life increasing, your inner friend circle of close friends will shrink. It can become 3, then 2, then 1 as you focus more on quality and connection. Even then they will come and go. Nothing lasts forever and friends usually don’t either… Life is a state of constant fluxuation.
end preach

 

[Cejay]

Thank you for this thread. I'm 40, divorced. I moved countries after divorce. I'm introverted (slightly) and travel/work a lot. Kinda high up at work so can't really socialize there.

Dating is easy, but making solid male friends, isn't. I have learned a bit, though, and I'll share a few tidbits.

Men make friends through activities. So Meetup is decent, as are sports or activity based clubs (Guns, cycling, scuba, motorcycles, you get it).
I've made a few friends through motorcycle groups. Expensive hobbies will draw more, successful dudes, and also single dudes. (Motorcycling, Scuba diving, etc.) Wives tend not to like their men to spend that much money on play, or do dangerous things.

I moved to a fairly small city of ~500k, but there's a large city a few hours away. Next year I'm going to move there. I've been researching meetup attendance and group types. Their meetups are much better attended and there are more, successful people to network with.

Hope that helps.

CJ.

 

[MrWood]

If you have moved to another country, there are often expat get-togethers and socializers for English speakers. Check for Facebook groups etc.
The only real downside is that (in Europe) Americans tend to loose out to Italians/Spanish dudes to the local chix (and expats)
Helsinki is only about 500k, but a great women/men ratio... nothin wrong with a "small town"

 

[Machine10033]

I made my post and went to the gym. Felt like **** and passed out after I got off the treadmill. Had a 103 fever and was in the hospital because of the flu. Finally got back on and saw these responses and feel better about my situation! I miss my friends but I think we all need to realize they took the path traveled the most. Iike others have said as the single 30-40 year old guy we pose a threat to our old friends relationships. I will keep improving in every aspect of my life. I just expected my buddies from highschool to still be in my life. Oh well adapt and overcome!

 

[SuckItUp]

What I’ve found is that you should be open to people of all age groups. As mentioned married people tend to gang with other married people and so single people in their mid 30s and 40s get tossed to the side of the road. The beauty is that being single allows you the ability to fit in with all sorts of people and even better with younger women who want worldliness, experience, wisdom from a man. Most guys in their twenties don’t have those traits.

The key is to make friends with all sorts of people of all ages. I enjoy hanging out with people in their mid 20s because they have a passion for going for it whether it is their career, traveling, love, etc. It doesn’t hurt that I look like I’m in my early 30s.