Approach Anxiety? Help me pull my head out of my azz.

[QuodErat]

Long time lurker, first post, etc.

Wtf do you do about this sh!t? I'll be next to a girl, think of two or three things I could say, and then cave in and not do anything.
About 3 hours later I'll picturing how that could have turned into the best event in my entire life, and I'll be beating myself up about it, and this has been continuing for MONTHS. I later get on here, read everything I can about AA, get pumped, and then the next day I ***** out like a little **** . I haven't been improving my game at ALL, i'm stuck down here.
I've tried the "JUST GO DO IT" approach, and I've been able to squeeze out a few approaches here and there (nervous as ****), but it's just not going for me.

Wtf is wrong with me? How the fk do I man up? Help is appreciated.

 

[PDubb75]

Welcome to the forum.

First thing that sticks out is your attitude. The "what is wrong with me", "im stuck down here", and beating yourself up about not approaching someone isn't going to help.

It seems that you are simply thinking about this WAYYYY too much. The fact that you came up with multiple approaches for this single girl next to you shows that you are thinking too much. Pick one approach and GO!

I have a question for you: What do you think it is that is giving you this AA? Being completely honest with yourself, what is the actual reason for this feeling?

If you are like most guys with AA (and how I used to be), what's holding you back is the fear of rejection. Based on your comment "About 3 hours later I'll picturing how that could have turned into the best event in my entire life", I have a feeling that is the case here.

You are setting yourself up for "all or nothing" when you should really just start it off and work on it step by step. You are immediately thinking this stranger is gonna be in your bed, or your new girlfriend. Instead, just talk to the girl. You may not even like her.

Try going into these approaches honestly not caring what the outcome is. Just work on your nerves by talking to strangers and getting their responses. Don't look so far ahead.

You will get there man. Hang in there and keep us posted.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Think of every conversation as a kind of job interview. You are qualifying her, not the other way around. And like PDubb says, don't consider it all or nothing. You simploy want to get to know her to determine if she meets your standards.

 

[Damian]

PRACTICE. Only practice and time can get rid of approach anxiety. No matter how much you try to think your way around it, you cannot defeat your own body's emotional system.

Talk to every single person that you can, even the unattractive ones. Make friends with strangers and develop a confidence with talking to strangers. You'll find that over time, talking to girls will slowly slide into your comfort zone. Talk to increasingly attractive girls until you have the full spectrum. On the inside, hot girls are pretty much the same as your run-of-the-mill 5. At some point, you'll actually start to enjoy talking to strangers. It's fun, exciting, and new.

Now get out there and start chatting people up!

 

[bilboteabaggins]

get a job working in retail somewhere, like a dept. store, forces you to talk to strangers and initiate, it helped me worlds in a short time, plus you can flirt with hotties constantly

 

[QuodErat]

Did it again today - in fact, multiple times today - saw a cute girl, pussied out on the approach. Feels bad

I have a question for you: What do you think it is that is giving you this AA? Being completely honest with yourself, what is the actual reason for this feeling?

I think I'm afraid of possible humiliation/embarrassment/awkwardness/rejection/etc.

 

[PDubb75]

I think I'm afraid of possible humiliation/embarrassment/awkwardness/rejection/etc.

I used to be like that. My biggest fear of the approach was rejection. To put it simply, it isn't ANYWHERE near as bad as you play it up in your head. Regret hurts sooo much more than rejection.

You also need to consider the fact that women are people too. They are also going to have some nerves and uncertainties when a random guy approaches them. But because of that, chances are if she turns you down, shes gonna do it in a nicer, non-confrontational way. It won't be humiliating, embarrassing, or awkward because she doesn't want to feel that way herself. She will play it off in a way that also settles her nerves.

Even though I am very much-so in the learning, beginner stages of all of this, I'm at the point now where I don't expect to be rejected. In the cases that I do, my only thought is "I gotta find someone else to make up for that one". And just for clarification, when I say "rejection" here, I mean rejection on the approach. I am not at all saying I close on every girl.

You need to go out and get rejected. Seriously. It's the best way to become numb to it. Go approach some girls and have the mindset that you don't care if you get rejected. Make a game out of it. See how many times you can get rejected at the mall in 30 min. In no time, it will be nothing to you (and you may even close on some).

 

[IamJosan]

Start slowly. Try looking people in the eye while walking and smile at them. When you get comfortable with that, start saying hi. Then after that start having small conversations with people at stores, such as saying, "How are you?, etc."

That's how I started and it really helped.

 

[QuodErat]

Today - Success! Today I approached a girl I already knew, though not on very close terms. I felt some anxiety, but I still approached. No number close or anything like that, just a quick conversation. I don't exactly feel any more confident than I did before though..

Start slowly. Try looking people in the eye while walking and smile at them.

I already do this, and I find it incredibly easy for me (aside from the fact that people rarely look back at me). It's just the approaching and the nervousness that I'm hung up on.

 

[neghitzbrah]

Nice work QuodErat. Small steps. Don't try to leap over the fvckin river, now. Start talking to strangers.

Think about it, if you were approached on the street and someone asked how you're doin, do you blow them off? Some people do, but most people enjoy talking about themselves.

 

[QuodErat]

Alright! Didn't post this yesterday cuz i was ****tired, so I guess i'll write this up now:
Yesterday was an awesome day - did some silly ass sh!t and felt like I was socially invincible. I did get blown off a bit, but they were laughing, and I still enjoyed myself through the interaction, and felt in a pretty good mood for the rest of the day. Guess that's state, right? Feels good man.

I didn't do any legit straight-up cold approaches, as I still don't think I can handle that yet, but I approached people that I knew, but didn't talk very often to. Had a good 30min convo with a girl - no close, but that's not what I was aiming for anyway. Looking to get better before I start doing this seriously, I guess.


Today was a different story. A LOT more toned down than yesterday - I didn't walk as far out of my shell today as i did yesterday. There was a girl i wanted to approach, hell, she even gave me eye contact, but I ended up not doing it cuz i was with friends - or maybe it was anxiety. Should I be approaching with friends around? How does that work? Just dip from a conversation and go do my thing?

All I can take away from this lesson is that I need to shut the FLYING FK UP and know how good I can really be if I just shut up and go for it.

Input is always appreciated, guys. Btw, is this still the right place for me to be posting these, or should I make a new thread?

 

[QuodErat]

Long time, no update--

I've seemed to lose all my momentum. Gotta start up again.

Today I was chilling with some buds, and then we met up with some other guys from a different circle. My group was sorta on the outside of things, and it took me a while to flucking man up and get in on the conversation with the other guys. I eventually did it though, and then had a pretty dominant role on from there - sadly, some of my friends continued to just wallflower out and give only one line responses when spoken to. Oh well.

There were some hot girls around there too, but I ended up *****ing out and not approaching any of them, at all. All the openers I came up with seemed lame, or they looked busy, or whatever - I had some sort of excuse each time. Feels bad man. Logically, I know rejection is not as painful as regret, but when it comes time to take some action and do something, I ***** out.

Nowhere to go from here except up, I guess.

you have to be taking time out of you schedule to go out by yourself to places you do not normally go to and approach.

Yeah, I realize that now. Going solo ANYWHERE feels very awkward to me - I'm usually with somebody whenever I'm out .