Apologies

[creechur]

i'll try and make this quick...

a couple of nights ago the woman i have been seeing (4yrs) was in a bad mood and decided to take it out on me. i didn't stick around for it and told her "goodnight".

no contact for nearly three days.

saw her last night. the thing is she knew she had done something wrong because she was acting all sheepish towards me. i didn't get angry or cause a scene, but i told her straight out that i wanted an apology for her behavior or things wouldn't go any further. she rolled her eyes. said; "whatever" and left.

now i understand why she was in the mood that she was a few days ago, which had nothing to do with me to begin with. but that does not excuse said behavior as far as i'm concerned.

any thoughts on this situation? was i wrong in wanting an apology? i feel as though i was just putting my foot down. any suggestions on how to proceed?

 

[horaholic]

I think you're handling it just fine. She wants to see if you'll cave in, or not, and so far, you're passing her test, by not wussing out.

 

[creechur]

I think you're handling it just fine. She wants to see if you'll cave in, or not, and so far, you're passing her test, by not wussing out.

thanks.

i was just kind of curious as to whether the guys here think that actually stating that you want an apology from a woman would be seen as a bad move in and of itself. maybe as a sign that she "got" to you or something.

 

[Igetit!]

any thoughts on this situation? was i wrong in wanting an apology? i feel as though i was just putting my foot down. any suggestions on how to proceed?

No,I don't think you were wrong on wanting an apology. By her acting "sheepish" around you,she seemed to know she was out of line.


Were you went wrong was demanding her to apologize.


You gave her an ultimatum,and ultimatum NEVER work. You tried to take away her "freedom" to apologize.



Basically,you were like,"Apologize,or else".


Nobody wants to be bullied into apologizing...or anything else for that matter.



You shouldn't have verbalized your desire for an apology.



You said she acted sheepishly around you,right? What you should have done was continue to act and behave the way you'd been doing that caused her to act "sheepishly" with you.


That way she would have felt compelled to apologize on her own in order to stop having to act "sheepishly" with you.



She would have said she was sorry in order to clear the air so you two could go back to acting normally again.

 

[creechur]

No,I don't think you were wrong on wanting an apology. By her acting "sheepish" around you,she seemed to know she was out of line.


Were you went wrong was demanding her to apologize.


You gave her an ultimatum,and ultimatum NEVER work. You tried to take away her "freedom" to apologize.



Basically,you were like,"Apologize,or else".


Nobody wants to be bullied into apologizing...or anything else for that matter.



You shouldn't have verbalized your desire for an apology.



You said she acted sheepishly around you,right? What you should have done was continue to act and behave the way you'd been doing that caused her to act "sheepishly" with you.


That way she would have felt compelled to apologize on her own in order to stop having to act "sheepishly" with you.



She would have said she was sorry in order to clear the air so you two could go back to acting normally again.

yeah. see, i think you hit on the point that has been nagging at me.

so any suggestions on how to proceed? should i basically just stay the course and see what happens?

i mean, i am certainly not going to pester her about it.

 

[Igetit!]

yeah. see, i think you hit on the point that has been nagging at me.

so any suggestions on how to proceed? should i basically just stay the course and see what happens?

Well now that you've put this "demand" for an apology out,she'll probably just be difficult based on the demand itself.


The whole reason all this started in the first place is probably overlooked and blinded out by you trying to push her into apologizing.


She knows that her behavior was a problem for you,so maybe her knowing that will cause her to try and control herself better the next time a similiar situation comes up again.


If you two are still talking and things are somewhat returning to normal in the relationship,then just drop it and move on.

i mean, i am certainly not going to pester her about it.

Agreed.

Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it has to be,however...


If she behaves this way again,DON'T SAY ANYTHING about her apologizing.


Alter YOUR BEHAVIOR like you did here. That will cause to want to apologize on her own instead of having to be told to do it.



For now,don't even mention it or bring it up.

Just continue being in the relationship.

 

[creechur]

Well now that you've put this "demand" for an apology out,she'll probably just be difficult based on the demand itself.


The whole reason all this started in the first place is probably overlooked and blinded out by you trying to push her into apologizing.


She knows that her behavior was a problem for you,so maybe her knowing that will cause her to try and control herself better the next time a similiar situation comes up again.


If you two are still talking and things are somewhat returning to normal in the relationship,then just drop it and move on.

Agreed.

Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it has to be,however...


If she behaves this way again,DON'T SAY ANYTHING about her apologizing.


Alter YOUR BEHAVIOR like you did here. That will cause to want to apologize on her own instead of having to be told to do it.



For now,don't even mention it or bring it up.

Just continue being in the relationship.

heh. yeah. i know that it's now this..."thing" that is hanging out there. and it may come back to bite.

it's odd, because i am not some bully going around demanding apologies for every wrong that i feel is committed against me. so it surprised ME when i actually said that. she has done this kind of thing in the past. so it might have been a case of that one time too many.

i do appreciate your responses. thanks.

 

[jophil28]

Yes, I agree that making an overt demand for an apology is probably not the best way to go about getting one.

I am convinced that the best way to pull a woman back in line is to silently withhold what she values most...your affection and attention and them let her pursue you. NO woman feels OK about being emotionally disconnected from her man. IN fact, to her, it shakes the foundation of her relationship with you.
By all means tell her what pissed you about about her behavior,but do it in one or two sentences so she is clear doubt about the issue. I have found that an icy statement from you, followed by a partial disconnect, has the required impact. YOu don't need to howitzer her when a small arms round or two will do the job.

IN these situtations you are also up against her " innocence by default".. Women are raised and socialized to believe that they are victims, not perpetrators. Apologies are what they expect to receive, not deliver . And men are chosen for ultimate blame, in some way.
This is why women refuse to accept responsibility or be accountable for their poor behavior. In their mind the world just flipped upside down when they are called to account for their wrongdoings.

 

[creechur]

Yes, I agree that making an overt demand for an apology is probably not the best way to go about getting one.

I am convinced that the nest way to pull a woman back in line is to silently withhold what she values most...your affection and attention. NO woman feels OK about being emotionally disconnected from her man. IN fact it shakes the foundation of her relationship with you.
By all means tell her what pissed you about about her behavior,but do it in one or two sentences so she is clear doubt about the issue. I have found that an icy statement from h you followed by a partial disconnect has the required impact.
IN these situtations you are also up against her "learned innocence".. Women are raised and socialized to believe that they are victims, not perpetrators. Apologies are what they expect to receive, not deliver .
This is why women refuse to accept responsibility or be accountable for their poor behavior. In their mind the world just flipped upside down when they are called to account for their wrongdoings.

holding back my affection and attention was exactly what i was doing. up until that certain point. and that's where i slipped.

now unless things have really gone off the rails, my next response will simply be; "you had your outburst. i had mine. i'm over it." or at least give that feeling.

i honestly believe the catalyst for my "demand" was exactly what you mentioned. the responsibility and accountability aspect of the whole thing. when people don't cop to being in the wrong, when they clearly are, that can irk me. *L*

thanks for the input.

 

[creechur]

I disagree with Igetit.

I demand an apology from my girlfriend when she does something I don't like. In fact, I demand a lot of things. She caves every time. It wasn't always like this, but after several spazz outs from me, and times I broke up with her (which had her think I'm gonna go f*ck another girl) cause she wouldn't cave, she became terrified that I may break up with her. So I can demand anything I want. Now, if I wouldn't have put her through all this crap she wouldn't be caving to my demands. Catch my drift?

Anyway, the point is, she is testing you. If you can, have her think that some other girl is after you and you may be interested because she is a sweet girl. Your girl should pissing in her pants and crying at this point while profusely apologizing.

Or you can just wait her out, but thats not as effective in teaching her a lesson. The most important thing to do is not to cave. Do not cave. You cave, she has all the power, her attraction goes down, and your days with her are numbered. Until you get an apology she should not get the privelege of your attention. If she does, she think she can act like a b*tch and "whatever" you every time you're not happy with something.

i have no intention of caving in. but i also do not want to make a bad situation even worse.

things might all work themselves out within a couple of days or they might not. i am just gonna do what i do. i don't need anymore drama.