anyone wanna read a paragraph-long essay for med. school and tell me if it sucks?

[seth03]

Here it is. If you think I should change something around, please tell. I know this is off-topic, but I need an opinion!



An ex-girlfriend of mine, K., once told me she had attempted suicide, failed, and was contemplating another attempt. I was only 15 at the time, and she was 18. The amount of shock I felt when she broke the news to me was immense: beautiful, intelligent and popular, she appeared to be a well-adjusted and gregarious young woman. Because I felt terribly inadequate to deal with the issue, I decided to give her a suicide hotline number, as well as the names of professionals she could contact. She immediately refused. Instead, fearing that her problem would no longer be a secret, she told me not to tell anybody about our conversation. Though I agreed, a sense of urgency had completely overwhelmed me: if I waited too long and she succeeded at another attempt, I would feel guilty for the rest of my life. I decided to tell her aunt the following morning. Her aunt was an individual I trusted, and due to her maturity, intelligence, and relatively close relationship with K., I felt she would be the best person to talk to. I told her aunt to casually mention to K. that she had "appeared a bit depressed lately", and to quickly intervene from there. Her aunt eventually convinced her to attend counseling in the Chicago area. K. is now 24 years old, professionally successful, and far more emotionally stable. I never found out what triggered her depression, nor have I told her about the information I passed to her aunt. Though my actions might have been considered immoral in her opinion, failing to act could have put her life into jeopardy. Thus, I felt I made the wisest decision possible.

 

[PrinceBeavis]

Looks fine. Doesn't need a thing. Go with it.

 

[ViciousDADogg]

Looks fine.


Though, women usually are successful at suicide. THus if she failed once, she'd fail again. She was attention wh0ring.

 

[PrinceBeavis]

That's besides the point. He was looking for writing critique, not DJ advice.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Most of the changes I made are a matter of opinion. In general, try to avoid the passive voice. Numbers should be written out as a word in formal writing. And somewhere in there, you have a comma outside the end of a quote, switch that around. Most of this is nit-picky stuff. You write very well.

A former girlfriend of mine once told me she had attempted suicide, failed, and was contemplating another attempt. At the time, I was only fifteen years old, and she was just eighteen. The news shocked me. Beautiful, intelligent and popular, she appeared to be a well-adjusted and gregarious young woman. I felt terribly incapable of dealing with the issue and decided to give her a suicide hotline number, as well as the names of professionals she could contact. She immediately refused. Instead, fearing that her problem would no longer be a secret, she told me not to tell anyone about our conversation. Though I agreed, a sense of urgency later overwhelmed me: if I waited too long and she succeeded at another attempt, the guilt would haunt me for the rest of my life. I decided to tell her aunt the following morning. I trusted her Aunt, and due to her maturity, intelligence, and close relationship, I felt she would be the best choice. I asked her aunt to casually mention that she had "appeared a bit depressed lately," and to quickly intervene from there. Her aunt eventually convinced her to attend counseling.

Six years later, she is now professionally successful and far more emotionally stable. I never discovered the cause of her depression, nor have I told her about the information I passed to her aunt. Though my actions might have been considered immoral in her opinion, failing to act could have put her life in jeopardy. Considering the risk of losing her to suicide, I felt I made a wise decision.

 

[seth03]

wow, that really made a solid difference! I totally forgot about passive vs. active voice. Thanks so much!

 

[blackbelt2k]

A former girlfriend of mine once told me she had attempted suicide, failed, and was contemplating another attempt. At the time, I was only fifteen years old,(no comma needed) and she was just eighteen. The news shocked me. Beautiful, intelligent and popular; she appeared to be a well-adjusted and gregarious young woman. I felt terribly incapable of dealing with the issue and decided to give her a suicide hotline number, as well as the names of professionals she could contact. She immediately refused. Instead,(no comma) fearing that her problem would no longer be a secret, she told me not to tell anyone about our conversation. Though I agreed, a sense of urgency later overwhelmed me: if I waited too long and she succeeded at another attempt, the guilt would haunt me for the rest of my life. I decided to tell her aunt the following morning. I trusted her Aunt, and due to her maturity, intelligence, and close relationship, I felt she would be the best choice. I asked her aunt to casually mention that she had "appeared a bit depressed lately," and to quickly intervene from there. Her aunt eventually convinced her to attend counseling.

Six years later, she is now professionally successful and far more emotionally stable. I never discovered the cause of her depression, nor have I told her about the information I passed to her aunt. Though my actions might have been considered immoral in her opinion, failing to act could have put her life in jeopardy. Considering the risk of losing her to suicide, I felt I made a wise decision.

pretty good, just needed some touch up on puntutations.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I am going to stand by my commas, lol. I don't want to argue, but grammar is a lost art, and I like the debate.

I was only fifteen years old,(no comma needed) and she was just eighteen.

Commas are appropriate to separate two independent clauses. Here, each of the clauses may stand on its own as a complete sentence. Therefore, the comma is appropriate.

Instead,(no comma) fearing that her problem would no longer be a secret, she told me not to tell anyone about our conversation.

This one is a little more complex, but the comma is appropriate to separate the phrase. Starting the sentence with "Instead" is not the reason for the comma. Rather, it sets apart the phrase "fearing that her problem would no longer be a secret." The comma is appropriate, because the sentence can exist without the phrase.

http://web.mit.edu/writing/temp2/mod-rxnr.htm

Restrictive
Not all the galaxy's stars are confined to the galactic plane. There are a few stars that occur far above or below the disk.

Nonrestrictive
S. C. Johnson Corporation, which makes Johnson Wax and Raid, the antiroach product, breeds 80,000 roaches a week and plays host to up to a million roaches at any one time.

The distinction between restrictive and nonrestrictive modifiers is very important for punctuation: only nonrestrictive modifiers are separated by commas from the noun phrases they modify.

 

[Last Man Standing]

I am going to stand by my commas, lol. I don't want to argue, but grammar is a lost art, and I like the debate.

Commas are appropriate to separate two independent clauses. Here, each of the clauses may stand on its own as a complete sentence.Therefore, the comma is appropriate.

Since we are correcting one another here, the statement in blue is NOT a complete sentence.

Add a semicolon...what is the semicolon rule? It should read...

Here, each of the clauses may stand on its own as a complete sentence ;therefore, the comma is appropriate.

 

[Obsidian]

Though, women usually are successful at suicide.

That's not true at all. Women are usually unsuccessful. Men are usually successful at it because they do it correctly -- using a gun or something that will certainly take you out.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Therefore, the comma is appropriate.

Since we are correcting one another here, the statement in blue is NOT a complete sentence.


What? Yes, it is. It has a subject, a verb, and expresses a complete thought.

http://www.chompchomp.com/terms/completesentence.htm
A complete sentence has three characteristics. First, it begins with a capital letter. In addition, it includes an end mark--either a period (.), question mark (?), or exclamation point (!). Most importantly, the complete sentence must contain at least one main clause. A main clause contains an independent subject and verb and expresses a complete thought.