Any of you older guys employ S&D on family members with success?

[Barrister]

So I am currently dealing with the realities of growing older in that family members who I have been very close to my entire life are slowly becoming more detached. My younger sister in particular, whom I have always been extremely close to and shared a strong bond (particularly due to our parents almost divorcing multiple times when we were in grade school and high school), has slowly been growing apart from me. We each have children now. She is still married.

What I have noticed though is that while I have still made time to try to keep in touch with her by occasionally calling her and texting her off and on, she makes zero effort to reciprocate. If I don't call her, we simply don't talk. When I do call, she usually makes some excuse to get off the phone in relatively short order and tells me just to text her. Comes across like I am bothering her almost.

I understand part of this is life and I am not a priority anymore like I used to be when we were kids. I do still find it disappointing that, from my perspective, she is willing to have almost no relationship with me. I also have a lot going on, arguably more than she does, and try to make time to stay in touch.

Is this just a time when I need to drop all contact and see where it goes? Part of me just feels she has earned me cutting her out completely - but I worry I am being too harsh. Can't help but feel very disappointed by it -- but I understand that sometimes this sh1t just happens in life.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

 

[SW15]

What does S&D stand for?

 

[Barrister]

What does S&D stand for?

Silence and Distance.

 

[ubercat]

How do the kids get along together?

 

[Mike32ct]

It’s very disappointing that she’s not making the effort to reach out to you.

But I would never cut off a sibling completely.

At this point, maybe just text her every few weeks to keep the lines of communication sort of open.

 

[Glassguy]

We can't choose who our family members are (unfortunately in some situations) but we have full control of who we allow in our lives and how we allow people to treat us.

Before my mother passed away, my sister and her husband stole over 100k from her (sister was the power of attorney). She stole it because she didn't want to split the money with me as per my mother's will. That was a year and a half ago.

Fast forward to now and my sister has been made by the court to pay the money back to me. Or go to jail (both actually if she doesn't comply).

While I will never have any type of relationship with my sister again, it's her loss.
I've never been upset for walking away from friend or family that didn't have good intentions.

The blessing is when someone reveals their true colors and we have the choice to walk away.

Some people in life turn out to be pieces of shyte and I don't discriminate between family or a friend when I walk away.

 

[BadBoy89]

Don’t understand.

If you call, she talks to you
If you don’t call, she won’t call

How is not calling being too harsh?

 

[SW15]

Is this just a time when I need to drop all contact and see where it goes? Part of me just feels she has earned me cutting her out completely - but I worry I am being too harsh. Can't help but feel very disappointed by it -- but I understand that sometimes this sh1t just happens in life.

Semi-annual contact seems like a good idea here.

 

[Atom Smasher]

One thing that must be considered here is the question: Do you think it’s possible that you’re somehow making her feel uncomfortable when you talk with her?
I’m not saying you are. It’s just something to consider as her behavior mimics that of a person who is avoiding due to discomfort.
I have a sister who is a sad sack and her energy sucks the life out of me every time I talk to her. I find myself avoiding her and I feel bad about that. I’d like to be there for her more often but I know that every time I expose myself to her negative energy I feel like crap. Therefore I must avoid her to a degree, though not fully.

Often siblings or close friends become distant because one is stuck in the old days of interacting while the other has moved beyond that “snapshot” of the past. In those cases, the avoider feels uncomfortable because they don’t want to return to that past snapshot when they were less comfortable with who they were at the time. This of course will cause them to avoid that person that brings them back into the old life.

Just a couple of things off the top of my head to consider.

 

[Barrister]

One thing that must be considered here is the question: Do you think it’s possible that you’re somehow making her feel uncomfortable when you talk with her?
I’m not saying you are. It’s just something to consider as her behavior mimics that of a person who is avoiding due to discomfort.
I have a sister who is a sad sack and her energy sucks the life out of me every time I talk to her. I find myself avoiding her and I feel bad about that. I’d like to be there for her more often but I know that every time I expose myself to her negative energy I feel like crap. Therefore I must avoid her to a degree, though not fully.

Often siblings or close friends become distant because one is stuck in the old days of interacting while the other has moved beyond that “snapshot” of the past. In those cases, the avoider feels uncomfortable because they don’t want to return to that past snapshot when they were less comfortable with who they were at the time. This of course will cause them to avoid that person that brings them back into the old life.

Just a couple of things off the top of my head to consider.

This is a fair point. I went through a bit of a challenging time coming out an LTR and having some difficulties professionally about a year ago. Talked to my sister quite a bit about this and perhaps it kind of exhausted her at times — understandably.

However, that all died down by about March. We continued to speak after that until about June/July when she kind of started to fall by the wayside to an extent. So I am not sure what I would be currently doing that would make her feel uncomfortable.

 

[Barrister]

How do the kids get along together?

Our kids love each other. Mine is older than both of hers.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Could also be the “our own universe” syndrome, where a couple develops a separate reality in their minds through mutually supportive conversation.
For example, if she did get a bit exhausted talking with you through those troubles, the talk around the dinner table with her husband night after night could have morphed their perception of you. Women are very prone to this. A new “reality” forms in her emotions and she finds herself avoiding in order to maintain the marital universe.
Whatever the reason, I think the thing to do is to address it directly. I would probably say, “Hey, did I do something to offend you?”
This will force her to look at the dynamic and possibly address it. She may be completely unaware of it, and will probably answer “No”, but at least she will be forced to confront it.
If she says No, then just say oh, ok, good and just let it go.

 

[Barrister]

Could also be the “our own universe” syndrome, where a couple develops a separate reality in their minds through mutually supportive conversation.
For example, if she did get a bit exhausted talking with you through those troubles, the talk around the dinner table with her husband night after night could have morphed their perception of you. Women are very prone to this. A new “reality” forms in her emotions and she finds herself avoiding in order to maintain the marital universe.
Whatever the reason, I think the thing to do is to address it directly. I would probably say, “Hey, did I do something to offend you?”
This will force her to look at the dynamic and possibly address it. She may be completely unaware of it, and will probably answer “No”, but at least she will be forced to confront it.
If she says No, then just say oh, ok, good and just let it go.

Very well might be the case. Appreciate your insight as always.

 

[Modern Man Advice]

So I am currently dealing with the realities of growing older in that family members who I have been very close to my entire life are slowly becoming more detached. My younger sister in particular, whom I have always been extremely close to and shared a strong bond (particularly due to our parents almost divorcing multiple times when we were in grade school and high school), has slowly been growing apart from me. We each have children now. She is still married.

What I have noticed though is that while I have still made time to try to keep in touch with her by occasionally calling her and texting her off and on, she makes zero effort to reciprocate. If I don't call her, we simply don't talk. When I do call, she usually makes some excuse to get off the phone in relatively short order and tells me just to text her. Comes across like I am bothering her almost.

I understand part of this is life and I am not a priority anymore like I used to be when we were kids. I do still find it disappointing that, from my perspective, she is willing to have almost no relationship with me. I also have a lot going on, arguably more than she does, and try to make time to stay in touch.

Is this just a time when I need to drop all contact and see where it goes? Part of me just feels she has earned me cutting her out completely - but I worry I am being too harsh. Can't help but feel very disappointed by it -- but I understand that sometimes this sh1t just happens in life.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I would advise that if this was a girl you were dating or dated but this is family so I believe it could be handled differently.

Although S&D wouldn't be a wrong choice, as the hope is that she will realize you need to create boundaries for your own sake and make your presence missed, I believe in giving someone in your family the benefit of the doubt. So with that, have you tried having an honest and candor conversation as to their current state of your relationship?

Being married with kids will def make it harder but it is still not impossible. You just have to be intentional. But you are right, it must be genuine and reciprocal. Relationships cannot be one-way. Even family ones.

I think that if after having an open conversation she makes excuses and worse still doesn't cherish and respect the relationship, then yes, take a step back and stop spending energy where it is not appreciated and reciprocated.

Although it is one of the hardest things to do, I've had to cut many relationships, including family ones. For my sake. What I preach in dating, I preach in life in general. You must always respect yourself and know your worth. And walk away from anything that is detrimental to your mental health and masculine energy.

My two cents.


Modern Man Advice

 

[2Rocky]

S&D doesn't work with unconditional love....as siblings you are expected to pick up where you left off even after a long time.

If you want to reconnect, I'd recommend spending time with her, and reminding her what she LIKES about being around you. Leave before you get into it about Politics or Astrology or what ever the wedge is,...Focus on the shared appreciation and do the Don't Ask, Don't Tell on sensitive topics.

 

[ubercat]

Yes. If you talk about tough issue you get associated with issues. Females are particularly susceptible to this.

Since your kids get on well probably suggest some activity for the kids that will also be fun for the parents. Take them to a treetop zipline park or whatever the heck is appropriate for their ages.

Make it some action activity so your sister doesn't think that you'd be sitting down talking for hours because she's probably a bit wary of that right now

 

[Kotaix]

Do you two have ideological differences? I have a cousin I was very close with who has stopped reaching out to me at all since she asked me what my political affiliations are (she also got married). I don't care to talk to them if they want to be bigots.

My sister has become closer over time with me as she's become less self-centered. She was extremely entitled in her late teens and early twenties.

If you cut contact, you will lose contact. Judging them for their actions will only make you miserable.

 

[Barrister]

If you cut contact, you will lose contact. Judging them for their actions will only make you miserable.

I suspect that this is correct. Hence why I am reluctant to do so. And I do think that would overall be a disservice to our kids.

I will likely just put up with it and still try to reach out periodically.

 

[Barrister]

S&D doesn't work with unconditional love....as siblings you are expected to pick up where you left off even after a long time.

If you want to reconnect, I'd recommend spending time with her, and reminding her what she LIKES about being around you. Leave before you get into it about Politics or Astrology or what ever the wedge is,...Focus on the shared appreciation and do the Don't Ask, Don't Tell on sensitive topics.

This is what is perplexing to me though is that I am not aware that there is a true "wedge" that has been driving us apart. I responded to Atom Smasher above about a bit of a rut that I went through between December-February -- but that was done by March and I was on top of the world shortly thereafter and still have been riding hide. She and I politically are fairly similar and we don't typically talk politics anyway. So I can't say I completely understand it -- and that is a huge part of the frustration behind this.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I would advise that if this was a girl you were dating or dated but this is family so I believe it could be handled differently.

Although S&D wouldn't be a wrong choice, as the hope is that she will realize you need to create boundaries for your own sake and make your presence missed, I believe in giving someone in your family the benefit of the doubt. So with that, have you tried having an honest and candor conversation as to their current state of your relationship?

Being married with kids will def make it harder but it is still not impossible. You just have to be intentional. But you are right, it must be genuine and reciprocal. Relationships cannot be one-way. Even family ones.

I think that if after having an open conversation she makes excuses and worse still doesn't cherish and respect the relationship, then yes, take a step back and stop spending energy where it is not appreciated and reciprocated.

Although it is one of the hardest things to do, I've had to cut many relationships, including family ones. For my sake. What I preach in dating, I preach in life in general. You must always respect yourself and know your worth. And walk away from anything that is detrimental to your mental health and masculine energy.

My two cents.


Modern Man Advice

Bump.

@Barrister
A situation like this is obviously a no-brainer in context to dating, things understandably become complex when family's involved.

Most people need space to miss someone or understand their value.

Considering your sister and you shared a deep bond during your childhoods, and as you say there hasn't been a conflict huge enough to warrant this behaviour,

It would benefit you to keep an open line of communication while simultaneously creating some distance. In short, maybe by giving her a few opportunities to reach out.

It's possible she's going through a few things in her own personal life, she's married after all.

Family warrants the benefit of the doubt more so than strangers, just my opinion