"I just moved here from Florida."

That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?

She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."

She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.

I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.

Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.

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Any ideas what to do for my birthday?

Sexual

Master Don Juan
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It's my twenty second birthday and I'm single. Last year I bought 10 bottles, set up an oyster roast on the balcony of a beach house, took a limo to the bar, and came home with my extremely hot ex, didn't make it past 2:30am.

Now I know I probably won't beat that.

But I at least want to make an attempt to make it memorable. Thanks!
 

"Stop Asking Your Friends What to Text Her"

Your buddy Dave has been single for three years and thinks "hey u up" is a valid strategy. Your other buddy Mike just got dumped and told you to "just be yourself."

You showed them her text. You asked them to decode the emoji. You drafted four responses and sent the screenshot to the group chat for a vote.

She's been waiting forty minutes.

Put the phone down. Stop crowdsourcing your love life. Type something that sounds like you. Hit send. Then go do literally anything else with your evening.

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Gubby

Master Don Juan
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Have the party... wearing rhino suits............... in the main police station of your city.

When their shocked expressions dissipate and they attempt to arrest you, tell them you're doing it to save the rhino.

Have a competition to see who can bulls'hit their way into staying out of the cells the longest!
 
T

tj

Guest
Happy birthday.


Speaking of clams. I think eatting a few bearded ones would be a great idea for your b-day.


as long as they are fresh:p
 
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