izza
Master Don Juan
Any Coward Can Do This, Part 7: Recognize your brilliance
The solution to approach anxiety offered by many on this board is: just approach.
If you go out and approach and you succeed, which many do, then yes you will become more confident. It's worth a shot. But if you go out and can't approach, or feel you're getting blown out the water, it's not going to help.
What I don't understand is the board members here who ascribe all human behavior to Pavlov, and then tell you to go out and shock yourself into approaching.
I don't think giving yourself an electric shock every time you approach will help you. So do you think that going out, if you do badly, is going to help your confidence? Maybe some say yes, I would say no.
The key to confidence can be summed up in a way I would bet that few have ever posted it on this board. This is simple, easy to do, and intuitive.
The key to confidence is understanding that everything we do is brilliant. We might not always get the goal we wanted, others may tell us we were stupid or a failure. But simply need to understand that everything we do is brilliant because we acted brilliantly based on 1.) the mental state we were in and 2.) the beliefs we had at that moment.
None of us is trying to fail. We are always acting with best faith.
But if you're like me, you've been in a lot of situations where you did something and you felt dumb. Others told you you were dumb. Or you didn't get an A, or first place, or didn't hit that home run with that fastball right down the middle. You got into a habit of kicking yourself after anything that doesn't get the result you want, even if you did all the right things to get it.
Confidence is about getting away from being result-oriented and toward effort-oriented. Others have pointed this out: I can be 100% confident in controlling my efforts and less so in controlling my results.
You need to review your life and understand all the times you thought you failed, that you did a wonderful job. You did. You acted brilliantly upon the beliefs and limitations you had at that moment. You couldn't have known any better.
This is not wishful thinking. It's true. You did do great considering your limitations. And this is not limiting yourself to making the same mistakes. You need to continue to learn whenever you don't get the result you wanted. But you improve your results simply by improving your beliefs and limitations. You don't need to kick yourself to improve beliefs or limitations.
The problem we have with confidence is simply that we have gotten used to kicking ourselves when things don't go our way. Stop. Learn to appreciate your courage, curiosity, novelty, excellence. Find the good things you did. Find the reasons you acted in a way you didn't like. Fix those reasons without self-hatred.
The work here is in changing your mental habits and in reviewing previous instances in your life where you thought you acted like an idiot. You need to understand how you actually acted brilliantly at every point in your life. As a side result of this, you will lose any need to judge others. You will better notice and appreciate behaviors people have, even when they make mistakes or are acting out.
Once you are confident that you won't kick yourself, no matter what happens, that's when you will be able to do whatever you want.
You will be much more worry-free. Approaching is so much easier with this state of mind.
Izza
PS This technique is easy to do, but I can't do it for you. Consider making a list of events where you felt you acted stupidly. Use a mindmap program to sort out why you were brilliant.
The solution to approach anxiety offered by many on this board is: just approach.
If you go out and approach and you succeed, which many do, then yes you will become more confident. It's worth a shot. But if you go out and can't approach, or feel you're getting blown out the water, it's not going to help.
What I don't understand is the board members here who ascribe all human behavior to Pavlov, and then tell you to go out and shock yourself into approaching.
I don't think giving yourself an electric shock every time you approach will help you. So do you think that going out, if you do badly, is going to help your confidence? Maybe some say yes, I would say no.
The key to confidence can be summed up in a way I would bet that few have ever posted it on this board. This is simple, easy to do, and intuitive.
The key to confidence is understanding that everything we do is brilliant. We might not always get the goal we wanted, others may tell us we were stupid or a failure. But simply need to understand that everything we do is brilliant because we acted brilliantly based on 1.) the mental state we were in and 2.) the beliefs we had at that moment.
None of us is trying to fail. We are always acting with best faith.
But if you're like me, you've been in a lot of situations where you did something and you felt dumb. Others told you you were dumb. Or you didn't get an A, or first place, or didn't hit that home run with that fastball right down the middle. You got into a habit of kicking yourself after anything that doesn't get the result you want, even if you did all the right things to get it.
Confidence is about getting away from being result-oriented and toward effort-oriented. Others have pointed this out: I can be 100% confident in controlling my efforts and less so in controlling my results.
You need to review your life and understand all the times you thought you failed, that you did a wonderful job. You did. You acted brilliantly upon the beliefs and limitations you had at that moment. You couldn't have known any better.
This is not wishful thinking. It's true. You did do great considering your limitations. And this is not limiting yourself to making the same mistakes. You need to continue to learn whenever you don't get the result you wanted. But you improve your results simply by improving your beliefs and limitations. You don't need to kick yourself to improve beliefs or limitations.
The problem we have with confidence is simply that we have gotten used to kicking ourselves when things don't go our way. Stop. Learn to appreciate your courage, curiosity, novelty, excellence. Find the good things you did. Find the reasons you acted in a way you didn't like. Fix those reasons without self-hatred.
The work here is in changing your mental habits and in reviewing previous instances in your life where you thought you acted like an idiot. You need to understand how you actually acted brilliantly at every point in your life. As a side result of this, you will lose any need to judge others. You will better notice and appreciate behaviors people have, even when they make mistakes or are acting out.
Once you are confident that you won't kick yourself, no matter what happens, that's when you will be able to do whatever you want.
You will be much more worry-free. Approaching is so much easier with this state of mind.
Izza
PS This technique is easy to do, but I can't do it for you. Consider making a list of events where you felt you acted stupidly. Use a mindmap program to sort out why you were brilliant.
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