Another BDP story... How to keep my friends while staying free from her?

[FinallyFree]

Hey guys. I have an (extremely cliche) story and some questions.

I spent last week laying in bed starving to death and crying because my BPD angel left me. The past few days I've done nothing but read about BPD, work out, and try to better myself.

Finding out about this disease, finding out that it wasn't my fault, literally saved me from suicide.

I will post my question first, then the story below so nobody is forced to read through it.

Question:

Practically all of my friends know my BPD tormentor. Our mutual female friend (who is also diagnosed BPD... But I've never advanced on her so she's been 100% awesome for 15 years) introduced us and is kind of the nexus of both of our social lives. We all kind of migrated from Cali to Oregon one by one. My tormentor is the baby in our social circle but hugely popular.

This makes NC practically impossible without worsening my depression and becoming a total hermit. What the hell do I do? She is ALWAYS around ALL of my friends.

Emailing my mom out of loneliness and trying to make awkward smalltalk with complete strangers in grocery stores is only making me worse. It causes extreme sudden relapses. Going NC with a woman I was a week ago willing to die for and believed to be the mother of my children is hard enough. Now I can't even speak to friends I've spent every day with for decades without her stepping in and accusing me of stalking her.

I can't really just move away, nor do I want to. I have no friends left anywhere else, nothing to go back to. The move also cost me 30k in debt (long story) and I have a job/rental contract here. Don't know what to do.

Story:

20s male. 20s female who is beyond a perfect 10. Obscenely perfect face and body, can't go outside without people embarrassing themselves just to stare at her. History of self-harm. Recovering anorexic (was so malnourished that when she recovered her breasts went from nonexistent to enormous). Dad left mom. Brother spent next few years beating mom. Brother eventually died of OD. Sister also BPD (diagnosed), openly brags about cheating.

I believed in "waiting for the one" so this is my first serious "loving" relationship. She mirrored me HARD and I fell for it. Everything I liked, she liked more. Some of it was genuine (based on third-party accounts), but she filled in the blanks with mirror/mask crap.

We were discussing our marriage within a few hours of talking to each other. I know you're rolling your eyes at this point. Soon I was preparing to follow her from Los Angeles to Oregon. I ignored the warning signs, the bizarre mood changes, her strange "frenemy" interactions with her now-suicidal/alcoholic ex (whom she dated for several years, never had sex with, convinced me to publicly bully, stops by a few times a year just to remind him it was his fault).

She's just shy and nervous! She's an angel! I'll show her a real man!

So I arrived. She dumped me while I was driving there and I cried all the way. I spent 3 days laying in a motel 6 bathtub in the middle of nowhere wishing I were dead. I was too in love with her to turn back.

3 months later, her "recycling" attempts with ex had failed and male coworker turned out to have a normal GF. She texted me about her new dog. She knows I love dogs. I said cool dog, where have you been for the past 3 months while I attempted to end my own life while living out of a stranger's closet?

No answer, however she's suddenly ready to become my no-limits bondage sex slave and worship me 24/7. She was just scared before because I'm so manly. OK I fall for it again.

Nothing weird about one of the most attractive women on the planet who dumped me with a single text randomly deciding she wants me, a below average looking guy who thanks to her has no income, to freely rape her. Keep those eyes rolling.

Another year of games. I down settle into the area. She makes up imaginary affairs, hides from me, starts working optional 10 hour shifts 7 days a week to avoid me, then quits because her boss "looked at her funny", constantly tricks me into insulting her, threatens to leave me at least several times per day, goes several days eating strictly gummy candy then blames me (???).

At one point she breaks down and reveals her condition. I believe this was the rare, real her. She showed me the French movie "Betty Blue" (BPD-theme with tragic ending) and told me knows I'm a good guy, feels sorry for me, that if she falls any deeper in love with me, I will have to kill her or she will have to leave because she can't handle feeling like this.

These people are not having fun. Never forget that they have a 10% suicide rate. At this point I stopped arguing back. She could do whatever she wanted and I just called her princess and obeyed.

The "sex" turned into her angrily demanding that I beat her. I fell for all of it. Little by little I turned from a proud, feisty, athletic man into a manic depressive couch potato required to sign a contract that I would answer the phone even in the shower and give her the passwords to all of my online accounts. The last time we fought, she ignored me for several days because I picked a character she didn't like in a video game.

Then for the last week of the relationship she seemed strangely normal. She was polite to me. She told me she's giving me one last chance to be the boss. That sounds fine to me?!? Maybe I finally gained her trust? I just kept acting like my normal self. I didn't understand BPD or her cravings for abuse so I didn't abuse her (she was probably seeing what kind of sado-masochism she could milk out in the final hours).

It turned out she was polite because she had already lined up new victims and didn't even notice I was there anymore. Then she was gone. Giving her number out to prospective lovers (from both genders... That's new) while referring to me around our mutual friends as "the retarded loser" and asking if I've offed myself yet.

That's where I'm at right now. We both lost our virginity to each other. I'm still deeply in love with her. I need some way to talk to my friends but she always there.

 

[searching solace]

If you don't get out now and immediately seek some kind of support for the emotional devastation you are likely going through, it sounds like you are at risk of killing yourself. It sounds as if you are financially struggling too which I'd imagine would magnify things.

You know she is seeing other people, she actively treats you like dirt, you have lost 100% of her respect and she has told you very blatantly that she has BPD or that she is at least aware of her destructive behaviour - this should provide you with enough information to know that it's not all your fault when she inevitably blames this all on you - as you say, this should save you. There will still be days, that despite knowing all of this, you will still miss her and you will still crave having her back. It's important that you swallow these urges.

However, it will become more your fault if you really are as distraught as you sound in your post, yet are not making active steps to remove yourself from the situation which is causing you so much harm. I do sympathise; I know just how difficult it is to remove yourself and detach from a situation like this, even when you rationally know that it's imperative to do so. Very difficult.

I'd say, explain remotely to your friends the situation you are in (without going into too much detail which will get back to her) and why you will not be able to see them or interact with them for the coming months. You will not be able to go complete No Contact with her unless you cut things off at the root and this includes your mutual friends (at least for the foreseeable future) - as you say, she is ALWAYS there. If they really are your friends, they will understand. Ask that they not tell you any information about her and seek other forms of support.

 

[GoodOne123]

Right now, it's extremely crucial that you get an objective perspective on this, even just a bit. It's hard, but look at what she did objectively. When you look at it objectively, or even better, ask someone else to, you will find that you come to a conclusion as to what she truly is, and that is...

A TOXIC NUTCASE

Right now your emotions are involved, which may rationalise this fact. These girls never introduce their disorder in an unattractive way. They do it in a way that gets your sympathy, and has you trying to be that one special guy that can eradicate their disorder and crazy ways. This is because they make you think they are helpless and it is all out of their control, and they are deep down, a sweet cute snowflake beneath all their evil manipulation and abuse.

You can never change them and eradicate their craziness, so don't even try. Their true selves are not some sort of part of them hidden deep within the disorder. They ARE the disorder, the disorder is PART of their personality, if not most of it.

So with that being said my friend, just try your best to feel GRATEFUL you are out of this.

She is hanging out with your friends and doing smearing campaigns in order to hurt you. They are sick, they like this stuff. In fact, smear campaigns are a common sign of cluster B disorders, so to compound on the rest of the signs your ex has been showing, she is most likely cluster B.

If you get back with her she will destroy you, so be smart enough to maintain NC. Make some new friends, or join a new club, new society, or a new hobby. But most importantly, talk about it with someone on a regular basis. Vent about it as much as you want. This can be parents, a therapist, or close friends. They will tell you she is crazy and you are lucky to get out, and soon your emotions will catch up with your logical mind, and you will stop missing her or feel hurt by her. It will take time, so stick to it and you will not only be good as new, but STRONGER than you were before, I promise.

 

[FinallyFree]

Bless you guys. Everything helps right now.

I woke up totally relapsed, desperately wanting her, remembering tucking her in every night, our pet names, how much she said she needed me.

I contacted her but all I typed was "It's not your fault. Your family hurt you. I beg you to consider therapy". I've read that therapy has an almost 100% success rate if the BPD sticks with it.

That's all I said to her. There is no reply yet. I know I still broke the rules. I'm still ****ed up. At this point I would choose saving her life over saving my own.

It's looking like I will need to abandon friends I've had for 15-20 years to stay away from her. I basically need to leave my whole life behind and become a hermit when I most need friendship.

None of them can understand "choosing between us". She is always floating around, finding ways to both deprive me of her direct recognition + making sure I overhear horrible insults.

Does anyone here who has suffered through a BPD relationship have experience with going to therapy for YOURSELF afterwards, to tell them about it? Did it help?

She's taken away everyone I can talk to. I guess therapy is my only choice too.

I feel like nothing is wrong with me because I was fine before I met her, but I feel like I'm slowly starting to think like her. Last night I kept frantically googling a stat about 70% of spouses cheating on each other. I couldn't sleep. I just kept googling that stat and wanting to vomit. This is something she would do. My greatest fear is becoming like her.

Another friend told me to get the **** out of here. That as long as I was in geographic proximity of her, I would feel like she's coming back. If only I had anywhere to go.

Before I moved to be with her I owned my own business guys. The idea of moving back in with my parents to escape is absolutely killing me.

 

[Infern0]

Been exactly where you are, bed ridden, almost fired, seriously considered suicide.

Thing is the stage you are at we ain't gonna be able to talk sense into you because you are addicted.

You have to look at NC as going cold turkey off a drug you are addicted to

I. E it's going to feel like **** for several weeks and the only way is through. Keep that in mind at all times and it should get you through.

After about a month your head should clear enough to start a dressing why you allowed this to happen in the first place but for now don't orly about that.

Consider these 4 weeks like rehab.

 

[Infern0]

.

I feel like nothing is wrong with me because I was fine before I met her, but I feel like I'm slowly starting to think like her. Last night I kept frantically googling a stat about 70% of spouses cheating on each other. I couldn't sleep. I just kept googling that stat and wanting to vomit. This is something she would do. My greatest fear is becoming like her.

No, you weren't fine before you met her.

What you are going through now is a prolonged emotional flashback of something that happened to you earlier in life, possibly when you were too young to remember

And yes you will need therapy.

On YouTube

 

[Asmodeus]

I have a lot to say to you later... I will help you understand many of the things that happened. I understand her mind.

One thing though is that you had a TON of red flags... Chaotic family life, associates with other cluster B, brags about cheating. I hope you now recognize these signs and do not fall for that again. You are co-dependent, that is true, you have a very subtle case of dependency disorder.
What I am saying is that you are not completely hinged yourself, you should seek help not just for your experiences with her... But also you should seek help for that burning dependency and need you have for desire. Talking about marriage within a couple hours? That was not just simple "love bombing", that was something you desired and she realized this from you. You need to be more realistic and rational... Least you fall into the same trap again.

 

[FinallyFree]

You're both right. I did have a ton of red flags and I was prone to this.

My own sister is very strange (not BPD... but extreme depression/total social withdrawal). I grew up watching her suffer. I didn't know how to help my sister so I swore I'd find a "damsel in distress" and rescue/worship her one day. As soon as this beautiful girl cried and told me about seeing her brother beat her mom, etc., I wanted to be her doormat. Then the mirroring started. And the ridiculous sexual offers. I was so in love I WANTED to suffer for her.

So not only did I go through the pain of a hardcore BPD abandonment, I was basically waiting my whole life for this moment, zero defenses. Eager to serve.

I will go to therapy. This has all happened so fast. 2 years ago the biggest worries in my life were working out and washing my camaro. My female friends were accusing me of acting "too macho" and women were just funny. It's like a comet hit. Forgive me if I'm rambling like a maniac.

You guys thank you so much. I literally have no one else in the world to talk to right now.

 

[FinallyFree]

No, you weren't fine before you met her.

What you are going through now is a prolonged emotional flashback of something that happened to you earlier in life, possibly when you were too young to remember

And yes you will need therapy.

On YouTube

Everything he says is true.

The victim before me: The guy she did this to before me is even worse off. Years later he still sits alone on a webcam binge drinking all day waiting for her to come talk to him. Hear his liver is starting to fail. He's 27 and looks 50, has stopped working.

She convinced me to send him nude photographs of his own sister she somehow acquired, said he was "spreading rape rumors about her" and boy was I pissed. That's how sadistic she is once you leave. Then she ignored me and accused me of "looking" at those photos, told him I was a pedophile (his sister is my age).

Do you recommend reaching out to this guy? I don't know if he's aware of what he's going through. I used to want to kill him for all the stuff she told me about him. I feel like I could save his life now.

"Falling in love with yourself". Also true and so therapeutic. When it really started falling apart I saw how she acted when I wasn't around. The shy submissive girl who didn't care about looks was suddenly loudly making fun of penis sizes, cussing like a sailor, rating guys 1-10 based on physique. I would kind of say "Hey it's cute seeing you loosen up" and her response was extreme panic, telling someone to get me out of the room, avoiding me for days after. I thought she was just super shy around me. I didn't understand the chameleon/getting busted thing.

The girl I fell in love with, I invented. She mirrored. When I look back about all we had in common was that we were kinda shy and liked the same music, some political stuff. When you're as attractive as she is I guess that seems like a lot.

I just keep having my mind blown. I didn't even know BPD existed until recently and now everything that was so special to me is being exposed.

Romantic guy. Traumatized female who doesn't know right from wrong. Probably abnormally inexperienced at life for her age thus waiting to be "plucked" by the idiot male.

Female finds out what romantic guy wants and transforms into it. Once she gets what she wants the destruction begins. She wants to emotionally destroy you and be sexually destroyed by you. Then the other people get involved, exes come out of the woodwork and the nightmare truly begins. God.

One of the last things she said before ditching me was that her "worlds have collided", and "oh no". Had NO ****ing idea what she meant.

 

[Phobos]

Stop trying to save everyone else and save yourself. You're not even close to okay. You can start by accepting responsibility for yourself and your ruminating that leads to such negative thoughts and emotions; try meditating to learn about letting thoughts pass through your mind without attaching to and dwelling on them. Stop blaming her and everyone else. "She did this to me", "she's doing this to him", "she needs to be saved"... This is all BS and excuses to convince yourself that people (including you) aren't responsible for themselves. You can't save anyone and she can't do anything to anyone unless they allow it, as you did. You need to find a bigger purpose in life than women/relationships and stop thinking about yourself and your feelings constantly.

 

[fastlife]

Hey @FinallyFree

You came to right place. I've been where you are right now--so have a good handful of posters here. I remember lying in bed thinking--Well, I can either shoot myself or I'll rebuild myself and my worldview totally from scratch. I chose the latter (mostly just out of the egotistical pride of not letting this girl get the best of me) and it's been an AWESOME journey. I'm almost exactly 12 months out--first month was probably the worst of my life, the next couple were a process of rediscovering myself and basically relearning how to be an independent entity (you lose a sense of yourself in these relationships); but the last 6 or so months have been the best of my entire life and it keeps getting better. I'm so far beyond where I was a year ago in every aspect of my life, it's really pretty unimaginable and I look at the breakup with my BPD as probably the single best thing that ever happened to me. Hang in there.

Firstly, here's a couple things you can start doing today that I can promise you will put you in a better place within 30 days (you're coming down off an extreme dopamine/oxytocin addiction and these next 30 days will be rough).

But 1: EXERCISE--specifically lift weights. You won't feel like doing this, but it's extremely important. You have to get new sources of dopamine and to boost your testosterone production (during the course of a monogamous relationship your testosterone naturally decreases, which is part of the reason of why you're such a pathetic mess right now). Do this every single day--I don't care how badly you feel.

2: MEDITATE. I meditated about 3x a day when I was forced to live with my ex for another couple months after our breakup. It's an extremely effective way of rewiring your subconscious mind and all of the neat little hook points your ex has created in your neural pathways. I have a thread that goes into detail on my meditation practices here.

3: TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY. No, your ex's condition isn't your fault. No, your childhood wasn't your fault--any misinformation or social conditioning you had wasn't your fault. But you have to make it up in your mind that YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. You have 100% agency for how you react to anything that happens to you. You need to embrace that. You are responsible for the decisions you made--BPD isn't some supernatural force you're powerless against--and you need to take full ownership of your life and your mind.

Beyond that, I got a lot out of reading The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi and The Book of Pook (which can be found for free online). It's easy to look at BPD as the enemy, but you're responsible too. Both of these books were useful guides for me in figuring out what it means to be a man and coming to terms with female nature (BPD is really just the most extreme form of femininity, just like ASPD is the most extreme form of masculinity). I read them both simultaneously, which was useful since TRM is more depressing and pragmatic while Pook is more inspiring and spiritual.

In about 30 days, you'll be in a good head space to go out there and start socializing again, and it'll probably be about 90 days until you'll have made significant enough changes in your mindset to fully enjoy the company of new women (my rebounds before that point were all highly unsatisfactory). Once you're at that point, I found Julien RSD's free stuff on Youtube highly helpful.

I didn't seek any formal therapy--and personally I think most therapists don't have a realistic view of BPD, codependency, or the nature of healthy relationships between men and women--but you might find Al-Anon or AA useful for working through your codependency issues.

Oh, and go NC now lol. The more mental distance you're able to create with your ex the quicker you'll be able to effect significant changes. You have plenty of guys here who have your back--feel free to PM me anytime (I don't log on all that regularly, but I WILL get back to you and I don't care how pathetic you happen to be feeling).

All the best.

 

[Polysix]

Really good post fastlife! Big Ups!

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Infern0 is right. It's too early to really speak any sense to you. I've been there bro. Though never suicidal, I was stalking, in a total trance at work, dabbling in Xanax and taking 5 Benadryls to sleep at night (normal dosage being 2). IF you are doing no contact right (which means not sitting by the phone), you will start to feel better around the 3 month mark. I remember the moment I started to care less, on my long 1 hour bus commutes to work every morning. But it comes back on important dates (like my birthday this year, which was 1 year.) Don't worry about this, it'll pass.

What I found in the early days was spending time alone, BUT NOT IN THE HOUSE. I was living in NYC and took a bus up to Niagara Falls for a 4 day weekend. I sat at the waterfalls alone and pondered my life. I stayed at a youth hostel and met some really cool international travelers and now that is a passion of mine.

Do not mope, and if you can get a 4 day weekend just go somewhere. And meditate, practice breathing, and centralizing your thoughts

 

[Dingo]

Holy crap....

We surely are a complicated species.....

You have come to the right place.... You're not alone. You got a lot of guys here that have lived through exactly what you are going though.... Read, read, read... Take their advise. You will survive, grow and prosper.

 

[Twodogs]

Hey OP
Just wanted to throw a little more support behind you as someone who has also been through the BPD wringer.
I was only with one for 3 months but even that was enough to put me in an emotional tail spin, I really pity those that have gone years....

For what its worth here's my advice.
Definitely go seek therapy for yourself, as others have mentioned (and it seems you've identified) you've probably ended up with her due to your caregiving/codependant issues, this is common.
Work through it, its quite liberating to shake this crap off and come to a point where you are truly ready, and feel worthy of, a mentally healthy woman.

Don't fall into the trap of obsessively reading about BPD trying to understand it.
I made this mistake and eventually had to kick myself in the arse and say "no more".
Too much is a waste of time and you know as much as you need to know about it already.

Just keep pushing through, it'll be hard to see right now but you will come out the other side smarter, stronger and in a much better position.

KEEP NO CONTACT

When dealing with mutual friends project a "**** happens" attitude towards the breakup.
Fake it till you make it.

Let her run her smear campaign, be the bigger person and don't engage in it.
If your friends have any brains they will see her for what she is eventually.

My BPD experience was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, it brought me to this forum, brought my codependency issues to the surface and I also scored 3 months of the most wicked, kinky pornstar sex imaginable.

Good luck my friend....

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Bless you guys. Everything helps right now.

I woke up totally relapsed, desperately wanting her, remembering tucking her in every night, our pet names, how much she said she needed me.

I contacted her but all I typed was "It's not your fault. Your family hurt you. I beg you to consider therapy". I've read that therapy has an almost 100% success rate if the BPD sticks with it.

That's all I said to her. There is no reply yet. I know I still broke the rules. I'm still ****ed up. At this point I would choose saving her life over saving my own.

It's looking like I will need to abandon friends I've had for 15-20 years to stay away from her. I basically need to leave my whole life behind and become a hermit when I most need friendship.

None of them can understand "choosing between us". She is always floating around, finding ways to both deprive me of her direct recognition + making sure I overhear horrible insults.

Does anyone here who has suffered through a BPD relationship have experience with going to therapy for YOURSELF afterwards, to tell them about it? Did it help?

She's taken away everyone I can talk to. I guess therapy is my only choice too.

I feel like nothing is wrong with me because I was fine before I met her, but I feel like I'm slowly starting to think like her. Last night I kept frantically googling a stat about 70% of spouses cheating on each other. I couldn't sleep. I just kept googling that stat and wanting to vomit. This is something she would do. My greatest fear is becoming like her.

Another friend told me to get the **** out of here. That as long as I was in geographic proximity of her, I would feel like she's coming back. If only I had anywhere to go.

Before I moved to be with her I owned my own business guys. The idea of moving back in with my parents to escape is absolutely killing me.

Same thing happened to me. The best thing I could've done was to move a few hundred miles away, start over and cut contact with ALL of them. If she's smearing you "your friends" should realize it. Over time they join in on the festivities, and are no longer your friends or maybe were never the friends you thought they were.

 

[GoodOne123]

Same thing happened to me. The best thing I could've done was to move a few hundred miles away, start over and cut contact with ALL of them. If she's smearing you "your friends" should realize it. Over time they join in on the festivities, and are no longer your friends or maybe were never the friends you thought they were.

Exactly. Real friends wont choose a girl, regardless how attractive she is, over a friend they have had for over 15 years! Not only that, but I'm sure at least one of them can pick up the signs of crazy in her, who would want to pick a nutcase over a long term buddy for God's sake?

If they even believe in the pathetic lies and smear campaigns she tells them, yet even allow this behaviour, then they never were real friends to begin with. Tell them she is lieing to them about you, and she is purposely trying to hurt you. If they don't drop her, then they aren't real friends and are worthy of letting go.

It is possible that they are just keeping her around in the hopes of sleeping with her, she may be deliberately manipulating this thought into their mind by seducing them. If this is true, then they are real scum, what friend hopes to sleep with their friends ex, especially right after a breakup?

As for moving back with parents, you need to be prepared to do that if it gets to that stage. You need healing and self improvement urgently. Look on the good side, you will have your parents available to talk to 24/7, pay no rent etc. You can save a ton of money, and have the support you need right now at any time. Besides, it will only be temporary.

 

[Infern0]

I will second moving back with your parents if that's an option for you and your folks are supportive people.

About 6 or 7 weeks after my bpd breakup I finally managed to get 3 weeks off work (don't ask me how I kept my job even I don't know how) and I went and stayed with my old man for 3 weeks.

He kept me fed so I put some of the weight I lost back on, and just being out of town in a better environment where I could just read into what had happened to me, rest and not have any pressure on me helped immensely.

After being there for a week I finally started to feel sane again and got me appetite and ability to sleep back. (Previous 6 weeks I'd been on <2 hours sleep a night and was surviving on energy drinks, cigarettes and the odd mcdonalds (I lost 23lbs)

Ironically just as I was starting to get better came recycle attempt #1. 2 weeks into me being there and somehow I ended up emotionally supporting her over the phone from my own "rehab"

I honestly belive if I'd gotten off work sooner and had more time to put into recovery I'd have resisted that attempt and saved myself another 18 months of misery

Don't take this lightly my friend, many people won't understand but I do, I remember living in "the pit" in the wake of being messed up by a bpd and it's very serious. Take whatever measures you can to recover as fast as you can.

And be prepared that she may come back to pick the bones. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN

 

[Julian]

^^ouch @Infern0 ....the recycle while you were in recovery is BRUTAL...cant believe u allowed that to happen but i kno how it goes brotha...lol oh well right.


best way to describe it tho...they come back to pick the bones..emotional vultures

 

[wolf]

Often i think the world would be a better place if anyone with BPD was just sent to a gas chamber but other times i think if it wasn't for encountering a BPD then many of us would never have had the chance to face and heal our childhood wounds.

It literally is a case of what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.