And so the plot that is my life thickens

[imarockstar]

Since my last thread, I am no longer contemplating adoption. I want to be in this child's life, make a difference, make their life better than my situation with my parents. A couple weeks ago me and my ex talked, it got a little ugly. I was expecting her to beg me to work things out with her, but she was still against it and made no mention of the option. This frustrated me a little, because I am better than her and it just bewilders me to no end. Everyone I talk to says how much better I could do, not even directly, people say this stuff to my friends or family members and I hear it through them. She is hott and all, but just a know it all, feminist bytch type (terrible screening on my part). Anyways, I sent her a pretty f'd up text that night, basically saying that its her loss, in way more words of course, but I ended it with "good luck". Turns out she took this as me telling her that I am not going to be there for the kid. In her defense, yes I did say that, and I can see how she took it that way.

Since then, I have gotten into the right frame on mind. New job that I love, jiu jitsu, doing awesome in school, and just all around happier without her in my life. I have realized that she was a poison to my soul and I was not living to the level of potential that I am capable of.

Well, after 3 weeks of silence, she texts me saying we need to talk. I call her, and she tells me some pretty unsettling things. First, she basically tells me in so many words that she is going to have the kid during the weekday and I can have him whatever weekend I want, or every other. Well, we live 10 mins away from each other, so I went on to tell her hell no. I refuse to be a part time dad. Then she says that she is planning on keeping the childs last name as hers rather than mine. WTF, hell no # 2.

I mean, yeah I understand she was worried and thought I wasn't planning on being around, and after I explained myself logically, she said well you are going to have to prove to me that you are going to do what you say you will. It is a privilage for the last name to be yours. I go on to say that this is the equivalent of me asking for a paternity test, but worse. That this makes me feel like a f'n sperm donor, and I am not gonna take it. I told her I could apply the same scenario to her, that I do not know that she will be a fit parent, due to her being a heavy drinker that could one day be an alcoholic. How do I know she will be a good parent? Her answer: whatever. This is all after her accusing me of being emotional, when I spoke to her calmly the entire time, never raised my voice, all the while having her scream at me the majority of the conversation. Typical.

You know the worst part, I feel like there is nothing I can do. She will call the shots because she is the woman and courts favor them no matter what. I mentioned that maybe I should have sole custody, and she laughed, saying yeah right, good luck with that.

Honestly, I just don't get it. Why would she want this kid everyday? Why wouldn't you want to split the time down the middle? Is it because she knows I want it and that she has the ability to not let me have something I desire? Wrap it up guys, my best advice. And if you see a bunch of red flags early, trust your gut, it won't lie. My instincts told me to stay away from this bytch EARLY, and for some reason, I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me. It could happen to you!

Sorry for the rant, didn't mean it to turn out like that, just a little pissed at the moment. I really need to figure out my rights as a father.

 

[Night-hawk]

oops posted on wrong thread lol. Any way reading stuff like this makes me shake my head. Good luck, best to you.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear RockStar,
I think you should go for the Ambit claim,full custody...You wont get it,but that way they will probably settle for a more generous form of access...I hope your Family Law Courts are fairer than those down here in Australia..Anyway just do your best and good luck Mate.

 

[blueeyedgent]

Ain't that the greatest grain of truth ever stated here. Summary - you are a sperm donor and an ATM machine.

My kids are 9 & 11, we separated not even 2 years ago and I don't have a leg to stand on for shared 50/50 access. Not until the kids are a bit older and want it for themselves. They do want more time with their dad, they ask constantly...

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Sad country we live in today. Girls have a lot of control over a lot of things and it isn't supposed to be that way. Men create kids, not women. Women just incubates the seed. We create the seed. It's like putting food in the oven!

Best of luck to you Rockstar. This is a messed up situation with a messed up girl.

 

[Burroughs]

I am in this situation right now. My daughter is 3 and her mother and I do not get along.

I come from a family of means with money for good lawyers. That helps. But woman have 90% of the leverage going into family courts..something most men don't realize until its too late.

blueeyed you are right...sperm donor and ATM...by legal definition a man's first duty is 'provider' while a woman's first duty is 'caregiver' ...NOW THAT IS SOME FVCKED UP SH~T..most women I know can barely keep their cellphone screen clean or feed their cat on time. Men are incredible caregivers but the law only allows for this is if the mother is a HEAVY drug user or criminal.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Follow Brad's advice. He knows what he is talking about. There is no winning in family law court, only degrees of losing.

One thing though, just fwiw, I'm in Illinois and an ex of mine tried to have her current boyfriend's last name put down as the last name of her baby, the father of which was a complete scum bag who was in county jail at the time, and they wouldn't let her. The real father had been in and out of the jail so much that they all knew it was his kid. He was actually locked up in the basement of the same building as the clerk's office.

I'm not sure of the reasoning behind the birth certificate name policy, and it obviously might vary a lot from place to place, but I think Illinois thinks that it might mess up their claim for child support from the real dad if it was a different name on the certificate.

The only power you really have over the baby momma is going to be psychological. She's going to be a hormonal mess. Just ride it like the weather. Buy her baby stuff a little at a time and keep receipts. When your family buys baby stuff, get the receipt and keep that. Hell, keep a diary and mileage journal of everything you do. Bringing her something is a good reason to see her and the kid.

She might not even breast feed. She could be out dating in as quickly as two weeks (I fvcked the ex mentioned above 9 days after having her kid, no lie). She's going to need someone to babysit while she goes out for date night, and those will be your best chances at spending time with the child. Write all about it in the journal I told you to keep, take pictures and videos with the child, and take the child around your family as much as possible. They will be happy to see the baby, and they are witnesses to the time you spend together.

 

[Dlbrunner]

I'm in a similar boat, however I am trying to work things out with the mom.

I have been to every dr appointment and paid for 1/2 of all the costs. I also record this. In addition, I have made arrangements for rent to be paid for her during maternity leave.

Keep your cool, for me it has really helped keeping things amicable thus far....

Just remember we are dealing with women here so the rules can change any time, take it like a sh*# test, she will come around.

 

[ATX1001]

If you're anything like me, one the baby is born, you will be glad to give the it back after a few hours.

And she will be glad to give it to you.. she will be wanting you to take the baby for longer because it gives her a break.

I love my daughter (who is now 4) but I'm glad to give her back to my ex wife after a weekend because it's nice to have time to yourself again. During the divorce, I had to fight tooth and nail for an extra hour per week but now (3 yrs later) I get offered extra time, overnights, etc. almost every time we talk.

She will want a life too and once she works out you can provide free childcare at a moments notice, you will get as much time with your kid as you want.

Plus, IMO kids don't get interesting until they're walking and don't get real interesting until they're talking. Babies just sleep, eat and sh*t.

 

[backbreaker]

i"m not trying to derail this thread at all, but i did not think this was worth starting my own post for.

After reading brad's very inromative post on this matter, i have to ask...



why are there no black people in family court lol? It's a joke but not really. Black mothers beg their daddy's to see the their kids. White mothers do everything in their power to keep their dad's from seeing their kids. That is a very sweeping observation but there is a lot of truth to it.

I dont' know one person in my life that has ever had to go to family court. And my dad has been divorced 4 times now. My mom has 2 kids, me and my 11 year old sister. half the week bri (my sister) stays with her dad, half with her mom. no muss no fuss. they get along great when it comes to her for the most part. when i was growing up my parents got divorced when i was 7, and my dad even cheated on my mo and had my now 21 year old brother with another woman, and even with that my dad picked me up from school every day and i went over his house and saw him every day until my omm got out of college which was like at 8:30 and she would come home and help me make sure my homework was right and stuff and make me go to bed or what not.

like i have a 25 year old cousin with 4 kids and her big deal is trying to get her baby daddies to see their kids.

but you meet these people and it's like they go through everything in their power to keep their kids from not seeing their parents? WTF is with that. not trying to be funny at all just i don't get that as i never had that problem.

i can understand like, if you were a drug addict like seriously, or something like that. but most of this crap is out of pure spite.

If you're anything like me, one the baby is born, you will be glad to give the it back after a few hours.

And she will be glad to give it to you.. she will be wanting you to take the baby for longer because it gives her a break.

I love my daughter (who is now 4) but I'm glad to give her back to my ex wife after a weekend because it's nice to have time to yourself again. During the divorce, I had to fight tooth and nail for an extra hour per week but now (3 yrs later) I get offered extra time, overnights, etc. almost every time we talk.

She will want a life too and once she works out you can provide free childcare at a moments notice, you will get as much time with your kid as you want.

Plus, IMO kids don't get interesting until they're walking and don't get real interesting until they're talking. Babies just sleep, eat and sh*t.

this. my mom likes to travel. a lot. if she did not get along with her baby daddy it would seriously put a cramp in my mom's lifestyle. my mom is going to Mt Fuji next month. think she is just going to drag my sister out of school for a week to go out of the country lol? hell if i am in town for more than 2 days i will 10000% get a call "backbreaker come get get yo sister" . and its not beucase she does not love my sister but, i mean, she has a life too. she has a bF and spends the night over his house when bri is over her dad's house and he has a life when bri is over my mom's house

 

[Desdinova]

First, she basically tells me in so many words that she is going to have the kid during the weekday and I can have him whatever weekend I want, or every other. Well, we live 10 mins away from each other, so I went on to tell her hell no. I refuse to be a part time dad. Then she says that she is planning on keeping the childs last name as hers rather than mine. WTF, hell no # 2.

The BOTH of you need to be fvcking reasonable. You need to calm the fvck down, sit the fvck down TOGETHER and work it all out. If you're willing to be calm and reasonable with her instead of making demands, she'll be more willing to give you leverage.

This isn't like her wanting to borrow fifty bucks. This is the life of a human being. Somebody's job is to make sure that child grows up to be a successfully independent human being. You can both do it, one of you do it, or neither of you will do it. You must make sure that you do what you can to make sure that you achieve this goal with that child.

You're going to have to come to compromises on this one. If she wants to give him her last name, then maybe you should choose the first name. Who's going to have the child when you're working and when you're not? It becomes complicated as hell if you refuse to work WITH this woman.

Neither of you know what it's like to raise a child. You need to know how to change the diaper, how to mix formula (or is she going to breastfeed?) You're going to need a crib, mobile, blankets, clothing, toys, and all the other fun stuff that goes with raising an infant.

You NEED to sit down and figure this 5hit out peacefully or she's going to get the law on her side and you're going to find your paycheck garnished with no visitation to show for it.

If she turns out to be a drunken slob while she's being a mother, that's when you work at gathering proof for the court. Until then, you have no leg to stand on.

 

[imarockstar]

Des you are right, I need to calm down. This chick brings the worst out in me when we don't see eye to eye. It is the story of our entire relationship. I would disagree with her about something stupid, try to have a constructive argument, she would get mad and throw a temper tantrum because I would not see things her way, then I would rebuttal in anger because of her anger and disrespect towards me. I have realized as of late that I have a real problem with my ego. I do not take criticism especially well, multiply it by 100 when it comes from a woman. It reminds me of a psychology class I took a couple years back, it is what my professor was trying to tell us. It is something I will really need to work on. I try to be the best at everything and if I'm not and someone constructively criticizes me, I get embarrassed. If it comes from a woman or someone I admire, I try to defend myself and make it look like I didn't mess up. Ugh, sucks to realize that. Anyways....

I like that idea of me picking the first name. I actually did this, when she told me her plan, I said "well if it's 50/50 between us, then the name must be hyphened, it will have both of our last names". Yes, ridiculous, I know, I was just trying to make a point to her.

At the end of the day, as long as she is a good mother to this child, I will be happy. I will see the kid and be in it's life, and the kid will go back home to mom and be raised by mom, and that's fine, less stress for me.

This situation escalated because of her insecurity of the possibility of me not being around, and due to my personal battle with my ego. It's easy to point the finger and blame other people, but when it comes down to it, there are issues of my own that must be resolved. Perhaps I am the problem.

Thanks for the responses guys, you made me think of some things in a different light.