Analysis of my most recent relationship

[imarockstar]

Whats up guys. Once again I am single. Me and my girlfriend of a year broke up yesterday. Some of you may have read my posts at the end of december, and yes she and I did break up then. And its true, if a girl isnt feeling it anymore and she wants "space", try actually giving it to her and going no contact for a few days, it really does work. Long story short, she surprised me on New Years Eve by showing up where I was, and we kissed and made up. I learned a valuable lesson that day, that there is no point in dating someone, breaking up, then getting back together, because the same problems will surface once again, unless extreme measures are taken to actually change the issues causing the problems. You cannot do the same things over and over and expect different results. But hey, Im not the type who gives up, and I believe everyone deserves a second chance. Anyways, she and I are done, and here is what I've learned.


1. Things are usually not what they seem

Thats right, we make our own realities. There have been so many times, not only in this relationship but throughout my life, that I've believed something to be true when in reality I couldn't be more wrong. The girl I just broke up with, Ill call her Cindy, used to date a friend of mine. When I first met Cindy, I was dating my ex girlfriend of 4 years, Ill call her Ava. During these run ins with Cindy, I would second guess my relationship with Ava. I lusted over Cindy, I fantasized about her, wished that I could be with her instead of Ava. Cindy seemed like the perfect girl, beautiful, fun, amazing body, wholesome good-girl type. 5 years later my wish came true, and as I got to know Cindy, she was so far from the perfect girlfriend that I expected. The personality that I expected was the complete opposite in reality.

Another example of false realities is how I went through a period of being sexually awkward at times in my life. I was a virgin until I was 17, Ava took it but controlled when and how often we had sex, turning me down quite often, making me believe I wasn't good at it, then following our breakup, I hit a dry-spell for almost a year. I had performance anxiety issues and just overall insecure, that is until I met Cindy. Cindy is a sexual human being, she has no shame in her sexuality. Im sure shes been around the block a few times more than what she disclosed to me, and she told me how awesome our sex is and how Im insane for ever thinking differently.

Aside from these 2 examples, it just seems like as of late I have discovered minor things through the grapevine about girls that secretly had crush's on me, girls I've never even met. Then comes a girl that I was trying to date last year, who flaked on me multiple times, that goes on to confess her love to me just a month ago. In retrospect, she probably just wanted me because I started dating someone else, women....

2. Good sex will not save a relationship

I am a firm believer that once a couple stops having sex, the relationship is pretty much dead and you are nothing more than two friends hanging out. Sex is passion, love, the sparks that fly between the two. Me and this girl had amazing sex, sometimes that is the only reason I thought we were together, and it certainly may have been. Our personalities were completely incompatible, fighting every other day, but the great make up sex was almost worth it; keyword: almost. Sex is a huge part of a relationship, but I found out firsthand that amazing sex cannot solely sustain a good relationship.

3. Never take disrespect from a woman, but more importantly do not let her get a rise out of you

Ok, I attempted to be as DJ as I could in this relationship. It took a few months, but due to both of our stubborn behaviors, Cindy and I had our first fight. I can't even count how many times she was wrong about something and we both knew it, but she would argue to no end her point and try to convince me that I am the problem. Worst of all, being the alpha male that I am, I proceeded to cuss her out, tell her to shut the fvck up, and quit being a b*tch. How wrong I was. All that did was make me out to be the cruel, angry boyfriend who couldn't properly communicate. NEVER EVER let a woman get a rise out of you, she should not be able to have that much power over you and your emotions. This brings me to...

4. Pick your battles

Another new thing I tried in this relationship was open communication, telling each other what upset or bothered each other instead of bottling it up. This is healthy in most cases, but there is a level of knit-picking. I would become furious at her for leaving a dirty plate on my coffee table! Then this open communication becomes a multiple times a day occurrence. It is then that you become a supplicating man i.e. "hey babe, you know earlier today when you said I wasn't funny, it really pissed me off". In other words, "hey babe, you know how you made fun of me, it really hurt my feelings, that's what I am bringing it up right now". Seriously, let some things go. Women are a pain in the a$$ sometimes, and so are we. But we are human. Save your battles for something that really matters, like if you catch her in a lie or she somehow betrays your trust.

5. Don't be a Don Juan, be yourself

All the articles, posts, the DJ Bible, everything I have read on this site taught me so much, but it came with a price. The price was how I perceived the information and the actions I decided to take based on my perceptions. Being alpha, not taking disrespect, waiting days to call/text, waiting to commit to a relationship, forcing her to beg for the relationship, forcing her to call/text you; am I the only one who thinks behaving this way puts the ball in her court? She's making all the moves, she's deciding whether or not you two will be a in relationship. There's a long lost art known as courting my friends, and most guys do not know how to do it anymore. Instead of me being too busy to call/text Cindy (which most of the time I really was), I would also find myself intentionally waiting for her to make the first move in order to gauge her interest. I did this repeatedly, always playing the role of the one who cared less in the relationship. This isn't always a good thing, it's ok to let your guard down at times. I took the ideology of being a busy, not giving a fvck, alpha male to an extreme. Eventually I realized that I wasn't being myself, I was being who I thought she wanted me to be.

6. A woman should enhance your life, not make it less fulfilling


The most important thing I learned. So simple, yet so difficult to see whilst in the midst of a LTR. I think about my life before I met Cindy. I was a man on my own. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, was more secure, had more fun, basically just enjoyed life and enjoyed people a whole lot more. I didn't trust Cindy, she gave me a bad vibe most times, and I never really could give all of myself to her. She would talk about guys she dated in the past or guys that she talked to that day and my blood would boil. And yes if you can't trust someone you really shouldn't waste your time. But what I found out was that the more time I spent with her, the less I wanted to be around anyone else. I looked at other guys like the enemy that was trying to steal her away from me. Other women were either wh*res or women that I wanted to talk to but wouldn't because I didn't want my girlfriend to get the wrong idea. I started to feel bitter towards everyone, and really just wanted to spend time with her. Sad but true. Guys, what Im trying to say is this. When you are dating someone and are in the beginning stages, trust your gut. If you feel like you are losing your sense of self, your friends/family, or your personal happiness, END IT!

Hope this helps someone someday

 

[AW1983]

Solid, solid post man. You stated a lot of things that've been on my mind lately, and added some new insight. Repped.

 

[5string]

Wow! The OP does not even need to be on this forum unless it's to teach and to provide insight to others.

+1 rep

 

[Nutz]

2. Good sex will not save a relationship

Bad sex will certainly kill one though.

 

[scrouds]

Great post, thank you. I'm going to have to save that. I do take issue with one point, however.

"Worst of all, being the alpha male that I am, I proceeded to cuss her out, tell her to shut the fvck up, and quit being a b*tch."

Ahhh grasshopper, that is not the mark of an alpha male. Of the strong willed (alpha if you must) men I know, they don't argue much. They state their position, make their demands if need be and stand their ground. They don't repeat their position demanding to be heard again. Then shut up. A minute of silence is much more effective then 1000 f bombs.

 

[vatoloco]

Of the strong willed (alpha if you must) men I know, they don't argue much. They state their position, make their demands if need be and stand their ground. They don't repeat their position demanding to be heard again. Then shut up. A minute of silence is much more effective then 1000 f bombs.

QFT.

I'd rep if I could...

 

[imarockstar]

3. Never take disrespect from a woman, but more importantly do not let her get a rise out of you

Yes I understand that scrouds. When I said "me being the alpha male that I am", I meant it in more of a sarcastic fashion. At that time, I was thinking I was being an alpha male by not letting her disrespect me and standing up for myself, using counterattacks of arguments to defend myself, letting my emotions (anger) play a part in my reasoning. I later found out that arguing with a woman is equivalent to arguing with my 6 year old bratty niece. It's pointless. Women are ALWAYS right (more sarcasm). I mean, look at most married guys, they would rather let a woman think they are right than argue, because it's pointless! What's even more pointless is getting all riled up over something as silly as leaving a dirty sock on the floor instead of putting it in the hamper.

I really did like the way you put it although. That a moment of silence is more effective than 1000 F Bombs. So true.

 

[Johnnyventana]

Excellent post imarockstar.

 

[DonJuanabe]

"I later found out that arguing with a woman is equivalent to arguing with my 6 year old bratty niece. It's pointless."

Yet again, this goes back to the one thing you need to remember if you want to get anywhere with women: Women care about how they feel, not what you say.

 

[Asasione]

Great post but some things you should consider is don't make absolute resolutions like:

"NEVER EVER let a woman get a rise out of you, she should not be able to have that much power over you and your emotions."

I don't see anything wrong with a woman making you angry, how you act when you're angry is what defines what kind of man you are. Women will piss you off so many times if you make resolutions as a buffer as opposed to learning through screwing up by getting angry you'll never get it. I personally don't say anything when my GF irritates me and show that I am visibly pissed off and ignore her, whether its via phone or in person. She will wonder what she did wrong and it will get her thinking and she will apologize and usually realize her mistake cause she doesn't like losing my attention or affection.

Dude I don't think its normal to be with a girl and be thinking about other people trying to steal her and being paranoid unless she's given you a reason to be. I've been on this site since I was 16 became a member much later and all the stories of women can be gamed to cheat and women are wh#@es posts can screw with your head but I think you should have screened that girl and once the relationship start you should have the courage to trust her and let go. If you get played big deal you won't die, it'll just hurt for awhile and you'll just get another within a week or two. If you let go, have fun and give her the best of you she'd be a fool to think of anyone else and she does you a favor by showing you she can't appreciate what you have to offer in the first place, she wasn't your target market cause she ain't buying so you move on.

I think point no. 6 stems from your own insecurities, no offence, just an opinion. Women talk about their past all the time, I just listen and say nothing and when she's done we continue onto another story, you learn alot about her based on those stories and she's into me now so who cares what happened before. I talk about my past or myself rarely, I don't know why, I guess women just love revisiting emotions they felt through their stories but you clearly have some issues to take care of.

 

[imarockstar]

You're right Asasione. You have just opened up my own personal Pandora's Box.

Most girls I don't have this trust issue, which is why I should have ended it months ago. To be honest, there was an instance of complete disrespect after 2 or 3 months into our relationship that should have caused me to end it right then and there. Why didn't I do it? I can almost guarantee that it was desperation on my part. I was working 65 hrs a week, never saw my friends, saw her because she worked the same schedules as me. All the girls I had been involved with in the previous 2 years were either too crazy to get past the screening process or we just had bad sex or no real attraction. Not to mention that I live in a small town where it is extremely hard to meet new women.

Oh and don't let me forget, the fact that I had a limited drivers license at the time and could only drive to work and back, meaning if I was going out to have fun, I relied on her to take me. I was definitely with this girl for all the wrong reasons. You're right Asasione, I do have issues, but I've worked most of them out this past year.

Looking back, there were plenty of times that I really was not happy and just wanted to break up with her, and she caught on because she questioned me about it and even looked through my phone one night. I didn't do it because it was just too damn convenient for me to date her. It wasn't absolutely horrible the whole time, we had a lot of fun, and we tried to fix things and make things work, but deep down I knew it wouldn't. What it ultimately came down to was the fact that I did not respect her as a person, yet I continued to date her for the benefits. Technically I was using her. I guess I should have added to the list, "Do not let yourself become desperate or dependent on anyone else".

So there you have it. Not something a self-respecting DJ would do, huh? Well, you live and you learn, and I'm going to make sure I never let this happen again. I will get my life in order, establish a career and be self-sufficient, before I become serious with a woman again. I won't say I regret this relationship though, because I have learned so much about not only how to deal with girlfriends and the type of women that will/will not mesh with me, but I have learned so much about myself and why I do the things that I do. It really brought to light some things that I need to work on.

 

[scrouds]

3. Never take disrespect from a woman, but more importantly do not let her get a rise out of you

Yes I understand that scrouds. When I said "me being the alpha male that I am", I meant it in more of a sarcastic fashion. At that time, I was thinking I was being an alpha male by not letting her disrespect me and standing up for myself, using counterattacks of arguments to defend myself, letting my emotions (anger) play a part in my reasoning. I later found out that arguing with a woman is equivalent to arguing with my 6 year old bratty niece. It's pointless. Women are ALWAYS right (more sarcasm). I mean, look at most married guys, they would rather let a woman think they are right than argue, because it's pointless! What's even more pointless is getting all riled up over something as silly as leaving a dirty sock on the floor instead of putting it in the hamper.

I really did like the way you put it although. That a moment of silence is more effective than 1000 F Bombs. So true.

Yelling and standing up for yourself is better then laying down and taking it. Standing up for yourself is good, don't get me wrong. I've done well fitting life into 3 levels.

You have the bottom, in this case the doormat. yes dear, etc. No need to talk about that.

Then you have the base. In this case someone willing to stand up and be heard, willing to fight, even if he doesn't know how to win. That's where you are in your example.

Finally the 3rd level is the mastery level. Kind of also self explanatory, but in this case its not only how to win an argument, but create the most advantageous spot for you. Make her know inside that you are the boss after all, and you have the final word. That you are the captain, and she can fall in line or jump off.

There's nothing bad about being on the base level. But as we grow as men, we can make ourselves better, strive for mastery.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Great post man! Genuinely! I think everyone who has had a few LTRs can identify with this and it takes balls to make a genuine honest post about what you learned and what was right and what was wrong. That sh!t is REAL and that I appreciate the most. +1 to you man.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

PS -- I ***ESPECIALLY*** identify with 'things aren't what they seem' -- it is so easy to fantasize about a woman, build up her value in your mind -- especially women who are unavailable at the time (in a relationship, or if you're in a relationship). I have a current situation in my life where I have to keep myself on guard, as you denoted with Cindy, that lack of initial trust -- and your gut was right in the long run. But it is very easy to convince ourselves of entirely different realities, eh? Even despite what common-sense may say. (and probably ultimately this building-up stems from dissatisfaction with what we have--if we were truly happy we wouldn't be lusting over that other woman so much nor would be try and talk ourselves into whatever emotional whims may be rooted in our head.

I think being skeptical is important -- we are all confined by a limited mind in some ways -- but we should try and let actions and patterns prove themselves. Let the data bring the proper conclusion.

 

[Three]

Great post. This came at a great time for me as I just logged on looking for some encouragement since I broke up with my wife last night. I don't want to hijack the thread, but I noticed some of the same things and knew much of it from almost the beginning. +1 repped.

 

[DonJuanabe]

IMO, if a girl does something that makes you angry, you don't yell and scream and carry on like a girl. Instead, you show controlled anger -- you talk with her in a calm, stern, absolute tone. You don't just show that you are in control, you show that you are in COMMAND. Make her feel like she did when she was 7 and her father was in charge. Be stern. Be adamant. Be calm. Make her feel respect, even fear, simply because you are a f'ing rock.

 

[imarockstar]

Totally agree DonJuanbe. This is something I need to watch out for in the future. Its a challenge for me, because as in Scrouds reply, I used to be in the first stage. Yes, in a previous relationship, I would apologize when I wasn't even wrong! "I'm sorry baby, don't be mad at me, I love you", ughh, makes me shudder now.

I think in my most current relationship, I was so against my past behaviors that I ended up doing the complete opposite. Its funny, because I was watching a movie earlier and in it this woman picked a fight with this sad excuse for a man. The man was so angry and so bitter that his insecurities of being wrong or being attacked were so blatantly obvious that is made me sick to think that that was how I once looked. It takes a much more confident, prideful, respectable man to keep his emotions in check and not be bothered by some stupid woman who's probably on her period just looking for a way to channel her hormones.

 

[vatoloco]

I guess I should have added to the list, "Do not let yourself become desperate or dependent on anyone else".

Yes.

+1