Analysis of being needy...

[SandHawk]

I was having a conversation with one of my lady friends last weekend about neediness and how inherently it ****s up people's game. We didn't go into gaming, but we both came to the conclusion that neediness does ruin your chances, because people who are craving for a girlfriend(or a boyfriend), radiate off their neediness on every single thing they do. It affects their entire behavioural patterns towards the opposite sex. Any person you're going to approach in a state of neediness will be approached with a subconcious thought: "Maybe this is her. Maybe this girl is the girl that I can love and who can love me back". While you most likely don't actively think it like this, that is what is going on in your mind.

And that will completely affect your game, because instead of actually having fun(which is the goal of gaming: Having a fun time with girls), you're trying to find out as fast as possible if this is the person you're looking for, and that will result in going too fast, projecting traits you wish to see in a person but aren't in that person(seen it happen) or by just showcasing how desperate you are in life. Because while you don't know it, it does show in almost EVERY single aspect of your behaviour. Alot of the tricks used in the scene, from leaning back in conversations to negging, they all have the same goal: Show nonchalance. And if you're nonchalant, it shows you're just having a good time without actually hoping to gain anything from your conversations, even if you want to game her.

What exactly is nonchalance? According to the dictionary it's this: the state or quality of being nonchalant; cool indifference or lack of concern; casualness. Basically it all comes down to the "I don't give a rat's ass".

Back to being needy: Where does it comes from? Neediness comes mainly from the lack of confidence. Why? Because a lack of confidence results in feeling incomplete which in turn creates the need for external confirmation. That confirmation can come in a lot of forms: Getting compliments, successfully complete activities, having success with girls, etc. Getting this confirmation usually gives you a short lived boost in confidence, where you feel good for a few moments. Almost like doing drugs. And just like drugs, your need for confirmation will grow, over time, into an addiction, and your craving for it will increase. You'll feel more and more hollow/incomplete when a time passes without any confirmation. And just like a drug addict who goes for a longer period without his drugs, you get more and more desperate for your fix, and it starts to show.

Recognizing the problem is the first step. The next step is to getting rid of it, and that comes down to starting to feel complete, to get rid of the need for external confirmation. I've read in many places that confidence comes with success, but I disagree. You can gain confidence without even trying to have success. Sure, confidence comes with success, which is pretty much the same as a junkie shooting up, and that is exactly the habit we want to break. The most important thing for you to realize is that CONFIDENCE IS A STATE OF MIND. Confidence isn't something you get, something you learn or something you build. No, it's getting into the right mindset. You can reach the mindset by either shooting up(success, getting confirmation), or by actually getting there yourself. I want to focus on changing the image you have of yourself to get into that mindset. This doesn't mean you never feel insecure or feel crap after a rejection from a girl, but it makes it easier to get back into the right mindset. All the confidence building tricks out there are nothing but mental conditioning to push you easier into the mindset.

There are several tricks to gain confidence, which have been described endless amount of times, but let me re-iterate a few of them while also handing you a few tools to convey nonchalance through additional means. My personal favourite to boost my ego in times where I feel a bit down is the wink-at-reflection technique. It sounds really cheesy, but it works for me, so it might work for you aswell. Every single time you see your own reflection in a mirror or a window, give yourself a quick wink, and tell yourself that you're a great person. The positive re-affirmation is used in psychology aswell, and after repeating it time and time again, you will start to believe it is true(And you're a great person!). For a change, try being gentle to yourself when you fail at hitting up that hot girl. When your game sucks, instead of going like "Why do I always **** up?", you could go "Hmm, that didn't go too well, what can I do differently next time?". The first one is pretty much degrading yourself, while the second one focuses on trying to actually figure out what you could do to improve your game. Approaching failures like that will less likely push you out of your confident state of mind.

The other technique is to actively change the way you walk and stand. Most people slouch, and slouching DOES affect how you feel internally in a negative way. Stand up straight with your chest forward and let your shoulders loosely hang back and your head straight up. Keep your line of sight on eye level, not focused to the ground or streets. This is going to require effort, because you actively need to remind yourself of it for a while. If you notice you're in your old posture again, correct it. After a few weeks, it become natural. The added pro to this posture is that it actually shows confidence without having said a single word. You can test this out by walking on the streets and look people in the eye. You'd be surprised how many people return the eye contact when you make it, or throw in a smile aswell. People are attracted to confidence!

One last thing: Conveying nonchalance is done by posture and behaviour. You could tell someone you don't care, but if your posture isn't telling the same thing, no one will believe you. People will judge you more based on your actions than on your word. And if your posture (action) says something else than your word, they won't buy it.

Standing/walking with 1 hand in a pocket or leaning slightly backwards in a conversation is one of the things that convey nonchalance. The last one is a trick that is used a lot in the scene. However, there are situations where you DO NOT want to convey nonchalance! Like when you're about to kiss the girl or when you're trying to show interest towards her. Because if you tell a girl you really like her while you're sitting there looking very nonchalant, she'll think you're lying to her, and you don't want that(even if you are lying). Hope this is of any help.

 

[Ease]

Finding and being with a mate releases endorphin hormones in the body.

Losing of this mate causes a drop/withdrawal of the endorphins. Bad feelings, neediness/loneliness/depression.

Insecurity is linked with the feeling of losing a mate. A lack of confidence in yourself and your ability to keep a woman leads to the feeling that you're losing her and triggers this.

Example:

You spend time with a girl and she gives you attention and admiration and you become happy and endorphin high.

You text her 2 days later, and she doesnt reply.
...'Omg why didnt she reply, is she not interested in me anymore? Have i lost her???'

If you did not have this insecurity and lack of other interests and knowledge of women, you would not have started panicing about this.
...'Maybe she didnt get the message, maybe she's playing mindgames and **** testing me, or maybe shes busy ****ing some other guy: i dont really care my life goes on, my life does not depend on her'

In this case you dont get the rock bottom of endorphin withdrawal, because you know shes just being a ***** not replying and it doesnt matter if you have her or not.

It is both a combination of confidence in yourself that will make the woman stay, and not being dependant on the outcome. This is the science behind the abundance theory and spinning plates as it kills neediness and promotes self confidence.

Neediness and insecurity is the killer of attraction, while confidence and self importance is the attractor of women. You either drive them away, or you pull them in.

 

[zekko]

The most important thing for you to realize is that CONFIDENCE IS A STATE OF MIND. Confidence isn't something you get, something you learn or something you build. No, it's getting into the right mindset

Confidence is a state of mind. That is so true, I don't think I've ever quite understood that before - for some reason it took your post to bring this home. I've often wondered how people who play the numbers game with cold approaches keep their confidence up - because they're going to get rejected more times than they have success. So if they are getting their self esteem from their experiences, they're mostly getting rejected, so how do they stay confident?

I've had successes with women, and I've had failures, but for some reason I always remember those failures (partly to learn from, but failures nonetheless). So confidence is not attached to outcome, and it's not attached to experience. If you think about it, it doesn't even sound like it's attached to reality.

I've always thought you have some successes, and that builds your confidence. And that may be partly true. But people who have successes have failures. If success builds confidence, failure likely produces doubt. So confidence can't really be based on experience, or reality, it's a state of mind, or an attitude. Interesting.

 

[Hot Ice Casanova]

Lose neediness this way:

1. READ the DJ BIBLE!!! DO that before posting anymore stuff here, it's the basis of every good answer you see here anyway.

2. Remind yourself constantly that women are not all they appear, they have deception down to an art. So you do not "owe" then any favors or gifts.

3. Remember that beauty is common, and you don't "need" this girls any more than you "needed" the last one. And despite the last one rejecting you, you're still alive. And you don't need her approval.

4. Remember the BIGGEST DJ rule of all: "WOMEN ARE REACTIVE". They will react totally differently depending on how you treat them. Act like a needy wuss and you have a 0% chance of success (i.e. sex). Act like a guy that ALREADY can get sex (even if you don't) and sex is not a big deal, and you will have a 50% chance in the beginning, and higher as you gain experience.

That same chick will treat you like a STUD if you act like you deserve it.
And she will reject you if you act like you don't.

 

[Hot Ice Casanova]

Oh yeah, and ALWAYS act like there are better prospects waiting for you, because there ARE.

Sarge every chick you like, perhaps ONE out of ten will be worthy of YOUR approval. THAT is the way you need to look at it. Be the king, not the slave. Slaves only get laid with slaves (i.e. the lowest value, ugly girls).

Seduction is NOT communism, it's not "equal distribution" of women. It's NOT some utopian ideal, and it's NOT "fair".

Seduction is CAPITALISM, the more capital (i.e. success with women) you have, the MORE women you'll attract just by virtue of your change in ATTITUDE. The hungry don't get fed, and the winners NEVER talk about their early days as losers. They act like it was NEVER a struggle to get women. Women are naturally attracted to the guy that seems to get whatever he wants, and doesn't whine and beg for anything he doesn't get, they want to chase him, he is the Great Catch. He doesn't have to be rich, but he DOES have to be emotionally self-sufficient and validated from within.

Until a man has this basic principle ingrained in his head, he will continue being needy and shooting himself in the foot when it comes to women. END OF STORY.

 

[SandHawk]

You didn't read my entire post right? My post is an insight into the cause of neediness, followed by an in-depth explanation of how it works and then followed by an explanation of how you can root it out.

1. READ the DJ BIBLE!!! DO that before posting anymore stuff here, it's the basis of every good answer you see here anyway.

Not true. The DJ Bible isn't the know-all of all our problems. It's a very good start to get into seduction, but is still doesn't cover a lot of things, and it severely lacks in specific background information. But that's a good thing, because otherwise it would be packed with too much info that's impossible to get through.

Seduction is CAPITALISM, the more capital (i.e. success with women) you have, the MORE women you'll attract just by virtue of your change in ATTITUDE.

This is exactly what I am trying to refute here. Having success doesn't solve the issues caused by lack of confidence. It'll only temporary boost your confidence. But once you reach a level where you constantly score, it no longer affects your confidence level because it becomes routine. Instead of trying to fight your lack of confidence with external stimuli, you should solve it from the inside. Even in situations where you have a bad mojo, this will keep your confidence up, so approaching is easier.

Also, your comparison with capitalism is flawed, because gaining more capital doesn't attract more capital. Attracting (more) capital requires investments and taking risks, which is exactly what gaming is about.

 

[Soprano]

****...good thread

 

[marinetti]

My theory is that neediness comes when a guy doesn't have his own life figured out, and so he's hoping that there's a girl somewhere who can 'complete' him.

Which is wrong.

If you have your own life in order, your desires figured out and your goals in life laid out, then there's nothing lacking. And if there's nothing lacking, how could you possibly be needy over something as simple as a girl? In my experience, from the guys I've worked with and seen succeed, once you lay out that initial groundwork, and turn yourself into a desirable person (desirable both to yourself and to others), neediness vanishes.

 

[scrouds]

Dude, you hit it. The stuff about how to change yourself I've been advocating for some time now. The theory of noncalance.

 

[backbreaker]

confidence cannot just be tuned on or faked.

sooner or later the real you has to come out. you may neg hit or not call her that much.. but as soon as real feelings come to the door, she smiles at you the right way on the date, she curls up under you while watching a movie, she sits there and kissesyou all night long and tells you how different you are...

well.. the rela you than comes out. What i am getting at is, i you have not put some REAL work in, when **** hits the fan and by fan i mean when feelings become involved, all the practice in the world does no good. that's why alot of people keep coming back here searching for.

it's very simple actually but it's not easy. you have to be okay with you first. if you dont' geninuely like who you are, if you aren't okay with being alone, you generally seek validation from the opposite sex or other people.

it's not something you an cut on or off. it just is. Most people have low self esteem, espically people woh have to be in relationships.


Marinetti, I've been here for what.. 7 years now? I started my old company when i was a memeber on this forum. I sold it when I was 21 years old and made alot of money off of it. I have real passions in life.

I say that to say that while that did help, I still did not like me to the point where I abused the **** out of drugs to escpae reality. I was very successful, yet I hated me.

sometimes confidence is more deep rooted than just having goals and passions.

you generally have to like you. most people ont' like themselves. it seems simple.

when you like you, you don't need other people to tell you that you are okay.
when you dont' have to have other people's approval, you don't come off as needy.