An experience to share (the player being played)

[Andy77]

Ok, mine is not the typical story cos I am MBF (Married but available). To cut the long story short, there is this friend whom I'm trying to close the deal with. She knows I'm married but has been flirting (at least in my mind) quite profusely with me, i.e. touching, saying she dreamed about me, even hinting about the possibility of us being together. We even went on "innocent" one-on-one meetings (lunches or coffee chats etc) for at least 10 times. Based on all these, I concluded that perhaps I stood a reasonable chance.

So finally, last week, I invited her for dinner and we finally found ourselves at a pub drinking and talking. Now, at this point, you might be thinking: I almost had her in my palms. Then I made the biggest anti-DJ mistake of my life: I confessed that I had fallen for her! And then the typical response: I only see you as my friend and she "apologised" as she could be overly-friendly at times.

Naturally, I was disappointed and pissed. But afer thinking through, I realised that the ***** is actually a typical female player: getting the attention of a married man (it's a huge ego boost for her) but yet not give herself to me (cos that will make her seem like a slut). So I told her (through email) that there is no way we could be friends any more (ain't going to be some wuss without benefits). I also told her that I'll be working on my marriage instead. Basically, I wanted to make her jealous and let her know that: hey, you know what, if you don't want me, at least I still have my wife. That got her a little under her skin and she sent a rude reply saying, "do whatever you want and all the best".

Now my question to you guys is: is there still hope of me banging her or should I move on? My instinct is to move on cos I wasted one fxxking year on this and have no time for a ***** like this i.e. showing interest to a married man but not giving herself fully. Comments suggestions welcome.

 

[Sofomore]

No offense but really? She told you in person that you have no chance. Move on.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

Yeah, wouldn't have said anything about falling for her. Would've said something along the lines of no strings attached fun.

 

[909pua]

Ok, mine is not the typical story cos I am MBF (Married but available). To cut the long story short, there is this friend whom I'm trying to close the deal with. She knows I'm married but has been flirting (at least in my mind) quite profusely with me, i.e. touching, saying she dreamed about me, even hinting about the possibility of us being together. We even went on "innocent" one-on-one meetings (lunches or coffee chats etc) for at least 10 times. Based on all these, I concluded that perhaps I stood a reasonable chance.

So finally, last week, I invited her for dinner and we finally found ourselves at a pub drinking and talking. Now, at this point, you might be thinking: I almost had her in my palms. Then I made the biggest anti-DJ mistake of my life: I confessed that I had fallen for her! And then the typical response: I only see you as my friend and she "apologised" as she could be overly-friendly at times.

Naturally, I was disappointed and pissed. But afer thinking through, I realised that the ***** is actually a typical female player: getting the attention of a married man (it's a huge ego boost for her) but yet not give herself to me (cos that will make her seem like a slut). So I told her (through email) that there is no way we could be friends any more (ain't going to be some wuss without benefits). I also told her that I'll be working on my marriage instead. Basically, I wanted to make her jealous and let her know that: hey, you know what, if you don't want me, at least I still have my wife. That got her a little under her skin and she sent a rude reply saying, "do whatever you want and all the best".

Now my question to you guys is: is there still hope of me banging her or should I move on? My instinct is to move on cos I wasted one fxxking year on this and have no time for a ***** like this i.e. showing interest to a married man but not giving herself fully. Comments suggestions welcome.

hey man you have no chance with her. Im married and available too and there's this girl i've been messing with for the last 6 months that knows Im married and we've been fvking too on the side. You showed this girl that you became AFC and you hit her up explaining that you ain't gonna be a wuss w/o benefits. You showed your cards and now she views you as weak. You have no chance, llearn from this, drop her, and move on. THis girl I've been talking to , it took me 3 weeks to hit that. WHy did you take it up to a year w/o trying to make a move?

 

[Andy77]

Well guys, looks like I really have to move on. Tried to make it up today by sending an email saying about let's continue to be friends and all I got was a curt and insulting reply saying "sure and all the best".

I think I held back earlier because I have to admit that there was a part of me that had moral issues with cheating. By the time I decided to make a move, it was already too late. So basically I was sarging with a guilty and half-hearted mind. I guess the lesson learnt (for me at least) is that either you REALLY believe in being a married player (without any inch of guilt) or just stay exclusive. "Trying your luck to see what I get" approach--which was basically what I was doing---is the sure road to failure.

Second lesson is that what works in winning one girl (my missus) might not work for another. What might seem sweet and charming to some might actually be perceived as AFC to another.

Third lesson is the theory that taken guys are supposedly more attractive to girls, and hence easier at being DJing--is a half truth. I say half because even though some girls might be attracted to your "taken" status, flirting might be as far as they are going to go. Most women would stay, if they have a conscious choice, from being the other woman--it's anti-slut defense thing. So DJ-ing while married can be quite frustrating. You risk being seen as a creep if you go full force.

Well the positive thing is that at least it made me appreciate my lass back home more and strengthened my marriage. I suppose I had wanted to see if I still have what it gets rather than really wanting a real relationship with my friend......

 

[tafakna]

Andy,

I think it would really help to be open with what your final goal is...

Have you really fallen the girl? Do you just want to bang her?

If it's the former, there are always step that can be taken. If it's the latter, just move on... there are plenty of girls in the world...

But confessing you've fallen for a girl, has never worked on my playbook... I think it's bound to fail 9 out of 10 tries...

Good luck...

 

[Asasione]

How exactly are you a player? Anyway you have a different relationship with your wife and she's more invested thats why your AFC nature is accepted AFCs are great husbands cause they're nice, supplicant and consider others. You took forever to make a move on this girl and your excuse is you felt guilty, your backwards rationalising reasons to cover up the fact you weren't man enough to actually do anything in a YEAR.

Women like taken men is only right if the taken man has qualities that are attractive to the women which are all different based on status, upbringing etc. Does seem like you've read up but your lessons are negative assumptions taken from an experience with one woman.

 

[zekko]

I think I held back earlier because I have to admit that there was a part of me that had moral issues with cheating. By the time I decided to make a move, it was already too late. So basically I was sarging with a guilty and half-hearted mind.

I'm sure you're right, and in light of this maybe you're fortunate she turned you down. I agree with Asasione though, you're not a player so your subject line is a little misleading. If anyone was the player, she was.

As you said, you made a big mistake confessing you had fallen for her. Even if there was no marriage involved, that's a huge no no. If anything, you should have just tried to escalate, kino, kiss close, and on.

I would say probably she wanted to use you for casual sex, but didn't count on you bringing feelings into it so she bailed.
Or else she was an attention ho, in which case all her flirting was just her way of getting attention and stroke her own ego, and she may never have had any intention of following it up with sex.

Third lesson is the theory that taken guys are supposedly more attractive to girls, and hence easier at being DJing--is a half truth. I say half because even though some girls might be attracted to your "taken" status, flirting might be as far as they are going to go.

When it comes to taken men, women at some point need to get a sense that you are willing to make the move, as opposed to staying loyal to your mate. In your case, you waited too long, and she lost interest. You were waiting on moral grounds, but she probably took it as you being too weak and AFC to make a move, and you just confirmed it all with your confession of falling for her when you hadn't even done anything yet.

We're not trying to rip on you, by the way. I say this because you're fairly new, and this may sound harsh. But this is a tough love kind of place, and people will tell you what they think you need to hear.

 

[Warrior74]

She knows I'm married but has been flirting (at least in my mind) quite profusely with me, i.e. touching, saying she dreamed about me, even hinting about the possibility of us being together. We even went on "innocent" one-on-one meetings (lunches or coffee chats etc) for at least 10 times. Based on all these, I concluded that perhaps I stood a reasonable chance.

10 times? Really? You could have banged her on the 1st, 2nd or maybe 3rd. But 10 times of innocent dating with no kino and sexual escalation...yah you asked to be in the friendzone.

So I told her (through email) that there is no way we could be friends any more (ain't going to be some wuss without benefits). I also told her that I'll be working on my marriage instead.

Tried to make it up today by sending an email saying about let's continue to be friends and all I got was a curt and insulting reply saying "sure and all the best".

You see what you did there? You don't have the stones to even stick to your own words. You reek of desperation. Curt and insulting? Really, I would think hard about why I took it that way if I were you. I would also think hard on why she felt the need to be curt and insulting.


Here is the deal, neither one of you are players. She's just a typical female, looking for attention and was probably willing to trade some sex for it. You are the typical AFC, to scared to leave his wife, and too scared to have an affair.

Players actually have sex with multiple people.

You really need to decide what you want to do about your wife and deal with that situation. That's your real problem. Forget about the rest and fix that. Either fix your marriage or get a divorce, or grow the stones to cheat properly and accept yourself for who and what you are.

Good luck.

 

[WaterTiger]

What does "married but available" actually mean?

 

[hover411]

dude,

1) you are no player for even asking these questions.

2) collect what is left of your dignity and move on.

question- why are you even with your wife? i am not trying to judge you personally, i am actually curious as to why you are married but available.

what are the forum members' thoughts on this? i haven't seen this situation on these boards before.

personally, i think being married and playing the field is anything but DJ.

 

[Andy77]

hey warrior 74, I hold my hands up. I had no guts and paid the price. And yes, I certainly sound like an indecisive and desperate cad, trying to cover my tracks now by re-igniting the whole friend thing.

What makes the whole thing worse is that I probably had a decent chance on that critical night. Some clues:
1-she dolled up and looked hot (usually she don't bother to dress up for our previous meetings);
2-the dinner actually went pretty well, lots of banter and laughing.
3-she agreed to my request to do post-dinner drinks at a pub (especially since she's not the drinking type)

What went wrong:

1- I drank too much (shows lack of self-control)
2- I was dumb enough to mention about my marriage problems during drinking, thinking that by doing so, it might suggest that I'm open to potential things with her. I think that only succeeded in setting alarm bells in her mind. What's worse, saying all that only serves to remind her that I'm married, activating her conscious logic, rather than feelings.
3- She told me that she's waiting for someone to "sweep her off her feet" and I stood there listening like a dumb ass, no kino, no action, no nothing.
4- Believe or not, I was arrogant enough to think that she should be the one making the moves to seduce me, not the other round, since I have more to lose as a married dude.
5- And of course, the ill-fated confession that serves to confirm that I am a wimp.

On further thoughts, I don't think she is a player per se. She is probably an attention-ho, as zekko puts it. She is probably also quite experienced in the dating scene (after all, she's already 28) and mentioned during drinking that she had been "quite in demand".

Well, I guess the brutal truth is that I'm far from being a player, only someone who fantasises to be one. 8 years of marriage have actively turned me into a wuss. And also because my missus (who was also my first serious GF) came on hard for me, thereby making things easy, meant that my DJ-ing foundations were crap.

I have got one last question: does anybody out there think that this thing with my friend is remotely salvageable, like go back to how it was? Anything that I do now will only be construed as a lame, AFC attempt to hit on her again. What should I do next?

 

[Andy77]

To hover411 and watertiger:

To be very honest, I guess I'm bored with sex with just one woman for so long, even if it's hot and satisfying. My career is also starting to pick up, so there are times when I wished that I'm still single and am able to date younger girls. I guess I fantasised of having an affair, not because I don't love my wife, but so as to have a bit of variety in my life.

To Sofomore, ridingthelightning, tafakna, asiasone, 909pua, zekko, warrior74:

Thanks for all the comments, even if they hurt. I welcome more painful but constructive feedback. Only way to improve is to learn from my mistakes.

 

[hover411]

First off, thanks for your honesty dude....

This is absolutely not salvageable and the only thing you can do is continue on without anything more than a friendly hello to this girl. Just drop her like a bad habit and consider it a lessons learned situation.

Am I the only one that thinks you staying with your wife and doing this is pretty petty and sad?

You obviously don't want to be with the wifey anymore and have oneitis for this other broad. It's like when women stay with their bf just waiting for something better to come along, so they can jump ship. They don't have the fortitude or self respect to just break up and be alone for a bit.

It seems like you are doing the same thing, using her as some sort of anchor until something better comes along. and when that happens you'll be ready to leave your wife.

 

[scrouds]

10 dates and no move from you......

 

[spicker5]

Umm player or not. There are some common sense morals that I think everyone has. You are married.

Don't you see anything wrong in cheating on her?
What if she was having an affair with someone she worked with, would you be okay with it?

 

[Andy77]

Well, Hover411, I did try to divorce my wifey once and she tried to jump down our apartment, so I gave in, as I didn't want to have blood on my hands for the rest of my life. In fact, I related this episode that night to the broad whom I trying to start an affair with--downright stupid, right? Which woman in the right mind would want to mess around with a guy with this kind of domestic baggage?

The thing which really grinds me is that I will never know if (1) I ever had a chance in the first place but I screwed up, or (2) that right from the start, my friend only saw me as a "harmless" married buddy to flirt with and get attention. It's a crazy situation to be in, pining for the one that I cannot have and ignoring the one that I have.

I have got to work on myself and change, man. It's probably my own self-esteem issues, desiring my friend (who is younger and hotter) versus my wife (who is older and less pretty). But I have to be objective to say that in terms of character and compliance, my wife is streets ahead though she is prone to emotionalism at times. The other broad is the typical self-centred lass who is only likely to bring grief to her man---i.e. her career first, sky high expectations, friends first bull-****---no wonder she's still single at 28.

Man, writing all this stuff on this forum has been good for self-reflection and recovery!

 

[spicker5]

Work on fixing your marriage.

Consider this broad not sleeping with you as a good thing.

 

[Andy77]

thanks spicker5.

 

[hover411]

your wife is a psycho or tries to act like one. if the only reason you are with her is because she threatens to kill herself, you need to get away from her by any means necessary.

i used to date a psycho like that. she would always threaten to and cause scenes, but ultimately i got her to leave. threats are no way to keep a marriage together. the last straw was when my ex threatened to punch herself in the face and call the cops on me. after that, i called the cops on myself, told them of her threats, and then kicked her ass to the curb. she didn't follow threw with her threats to off herself. and even if she did, that is her problem and not mine or yours for your situation.

get rid of your wife. it is just a problem waiting to happen, that has manifested itself into you accepting her and giving yourself permission to cheat on her.