Amazing personality, but not very attractive

[jw2]

Hey everyone,
I've got a dilemma. I have a friend who has the most amazing personality ever. She is absolutely hilarious. She makes me laugh, I make her laugh, she is very kind, down to earth, very smart, outgoing, and selfless. We have lots of fun together.

The thing is, she isn’t that attractive. I mean, she isn’t ugly or anything, but definitely not hot. She is just slightly overweight, although if you consider how big people in America have gotten, she is probably average. I would maybe rate her a 5 or so. I’m no Tom Cruise or anything, but I’m in very good shape and attractive, and would guess myself to be about a 7-8.

I know for a fact that she likes me a lot, but I haven’t done anything about it. I guess I have always pictured myself in relationships with ‘hot’ girls, like 7-8’s.

I don’t think I’m looking for a ‘go for it’ or ‘don’t do it’ answer, just wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation and what you did, and how did it work out?

-JW

 

[suikeisuru]

Some people may say to forget about her since she may not be up to scale but frankly, the most important thing about YOUR life is YOUR happiness.

You should question whether or not you want to take the relationship to the next level. I have friends like this girl who I get along with really well and have known for years but have decided against taking it further as I really don't want to ruin the relationship.

 

[ScrewIt]

Ask yourself this: Is the friendship more important to you or pursuing something more of more importance?

Ill be frank, if you love her personality and love having fun with her, do looks really matter that much?

Sure a lot of guys including me go throuugh some point in our lives where we cut short our expectations of landing some hot 8 or 9. And sometimes we have to draw the line of how realistic our expectations are. Certainly no woman is perfect by any man's standards, everyone has their flaws of course...no matter how pretty they may be.

 

[fender85]

Just think about what you want, not what we or your friends will think about you. Hell lately I've been gaming this girl who's not really the type I normally go for. Not overweight, but just thick in the right places (HUGE breasts and some serious curves), and has a really cute face and extremely nice teeth and hair. She's been pretty cool so far, so no regrets. If you think you'd have a good time dating her then do it, if not then I'm sure she'll be a great friend. Who knows, maybe she has hotter friends Never underestimate social proof . . .

 

[Bonhomme]

Yeah, I've been there.

No, I didn't go for it, because the last thing I'd want to do is end up hurting a gal who I really like as a person.

No regrets. I've gone on to be involved with lots of gals I've been more attracted to, and she's since found a great guy who she married.

 

[SynapsyS]

I went for it.

And now i've ended it after a few weeks. There has to be physical attraction, as well as emotional attraction.

Think of it like this: A relationship has a balance of physical and emotional connection. You need to have a good balance between the 2.

 

[DonJuanMonk]

^ True, Date someone equal or more attractive than you. If you're realling a 7-8 you should be dating 7-8s as well as higher.

This isn't a mandate from me, nor any DJ, but a social mandate. A couple is seen as one entity. Think about it:

When you go to a party/club/social event. You see a regular guy with an ugly girl. What's your perception of them? Women shrug him/her off. Men shrug him/her off. Then you have a regular guy with an attractive girl. Notice how women will hit on the man more and the same forth for the man hitting on the woman.

For those that say "You shouldn't care what others think" Easier said than done.

 

[Gravyboat]

I've been in your situation, and I'll share my experience...

First, I think you have to ask yourself, "Am I attracted to her? Do I feel chemistry?"

A few years ago, I met a girl I wasn't particularly attracted to. She was actually quite pretty--in fact, she got hit on anytime we'd go out in groups. But for whatever reason, she just didn't do it for me from a purely physical standpoint. And while that's clearly not what will ultimately make a relationship fulfilling, it's certainly a pre-requisite to get one started.

Anyway--this girl. Her personality ROCKED. She was one of the funniest people I'd ever met, and when it came to our sense of humor and our skew on life, we were on exactly the same wavelength. We could talk for hours on end, laugh until our sides hurt, and finish each others' sentences--usually with punchlines. We became best friends.

And then, we started dating. It just kind of "happened." We'd go out and drink, get hammered, and just start making out in the middle of our conversations. It had suddenly become a pattern, so I figured I must've been attracted to her--even if I WAS drunk whenever we started kissing. Besides, those make-out sessions didn't start happening until after we'd grown to be close friends.

So, when we first decided to start dating, we were physically intimate--but I could tell right away I wasn't feeling it the way I should. There was no spark.

Still, we liked each other so much that I overlooked that. At first.

After only a couple of months, we got far less physically intimate, because I'd never initiate anything--I knew I just wasn't into her like that. It dragged on--believe it or not--for over a year. I eventually started to make excuses for not wanting to have sex, play around, or even KISS.

"I was tired. I was stressed. I had a lot on my mind. Yadda yadda."

Needless to say, this caused a lot of fights. I had an inner conflict because we had such great chemistry as friends, and I couldn't picture her not being in my life in some way. But I felt like I'd trapped myself--we could stay together, and I'd have a great friend, but I'd be sexually unsatisfied. Or we could break up, and I'd risk losing a great friend forever, because of all the baggage that comes along with a breakup.

I finally did break up with her--and for a while, it wasn't pretty. I'd get the 3am drunken, crying phone calls, and the occasional angry E-mail. But finally, after a few months, we started to become friends again. Then, after about a year, we became GOOD friends again. And now, even though she lives in a different state, we still keep in touch every so often, and we pick up right where we left off--as good friends.

I'm lucky in the sense that I was able to salvage a great friendship, considering our friendship is what initially LED to our doomed relationship.

But if I had to do it all over again, I absolutely would NOT. I put her through a lot of sh*t, and I foolishly put myself through it too.

So, before you make the mistake I made, just ask yourself if you're really, truly ATTRACTED to her. It could save you a lot of trouble.

 

[Dr Box]

And here is the fundamental floor with this F#^&ing rating system,
Who cares what she rates on everyone elses scales and who cares if other people have been there and what happened to them, here is your new scale

0 -no i am not in anyway shape or form attracted to her and i dont see us getting together
1 - Yes I am attracted to her looks, personality, whatever so there for I will give her a go.

So if your attracted to her and she makes you laugh and feel good when you hang out with her then hook it up.

 

[spider_007]

i had a friend who was one of those really tall (little chubby) once. i don't go for that kind of gurls since i don't feel atracted to them. She made an awsome friend tho, and to this day i talk to her once in a while...

there has to be that sexual attraction there, if there isn't....it's pointless...

 

[lordson]

i was in this position about a year ago

me and a friend of mine, we would have been good together, we get along so well, we understood each other, loved each other's company, she liked me and made it pretty damned obvious

but like you, she was a 4-5 and i'm a 7-8 ish, and i thought about it for a while and didn't go out with her

ust couldn't see myself with somebody like that, i wouldn't be completely happy. i knew i wouldn't be happy with an unnattractive girl no matter how great she is. she was damn great though. we would have been so good together if she was more attractive.

and besides, what would my freinds think

but im glad i didn't now since i reckon it might have turned out bad like the other guys said up there

now she has a bf whos about a 5-6 and i have a girl who is a 7-8 and we're both extremely happy.

 

[jw2]

Thanks everyone! All of your replies were extremely helpful.

 

[lordson]

out of interest

what are you goign to do?

 

[xblitz44x]

Would you bang her? Or wouldn't you bang her? It's yes or no.

If it's yes, then fvck what anybody else thinks of her, because you'd have a solid foundation for a great relationship: friendship.

If it's no, then start a great friendship with her. It's win/win. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page so that nobody gets hurt.

 

[OneArmDeeJay]

And whatever you do don't talk yourself into liking her or thinking it could work out.

Like everyone has been pointing out it has to be there from the get go.

 

[frivolousz21]

DO NOT DATE HER.

period!




I know you could fyck her because hell..most men can fycka bout anything once.


she is ur friend.

let her know you just dont feel that way and you want to keep her as ur bud

 

[Jariel]

Been there a couple of times. One girl I loved being with, but didn't want sex or even to kiss her, and the truth is I just settled for her because it was convenient and I knew she liked me.

However, I have fallen head over heels with some mediocre looking women based on personality. Unfortunately I didn't take the chance and it was only when they met someone else I realised just how much I regretted it. How would you feel if this girl met another guy?

A lot of people underestimate the power of psychological attraction, but being mentally and emotionally attracted to a girl is so much stronger and more stable than physical attraction. F*ck what society thinks! I've had a number of attractive trophy girlfriends this year and felt nothing for them, yet I've blown my chance with some real quality, 1 in a million, women and that is something I do regret.

 

[Marlimus]

You have no moral obligation to date a woman you are not attracted to just because she's got a great personality. If she doesn't do anything for you, don't bother.

I've dated fat chicks and average lookin chicks who inexplicably turned me on. Do I rationalize? No. Do what satisfies you.

 

[ScrewIt]

I've encountered my share of women with great personalities with average looks. Hanging around them is really fun i have to admit. Honestly a female-male friendship is very different from a male-male friendship. If i could go back and dig up those old female friendships i would.

Unfortunately when in the past when i built friendships in the past, they'd end up falling for me. Then tehy'd start playing games, and being unavailable on purpose because they didnt want to stay in the friends zone. Once i realize what happened, i just cut contact.

Honestly i cant stay friends with a girl that wants more out of the freindship. The only reason tehy stayed in the friends zone was the fact taht they lacked physical attraction and sex appeal.

If i were you i'd keep your friend. Girls are a dime a dozen, but friendships last forever. But they also do say teh best relationships come from freindships...so eh who knows.

 

[jw2]

Originally posted by lordson
out of interest

what are you goign to do?

-----------

Originally posted by xblitz44x
Would you bang her? Or wouldn't you bang her? It's yes or no.

If it's yes, then fvck what anybody else thinks of her, because you'd have a solid foundation for a great relationship: friendship.

------------

I left out a little bit of the story. On several occasions, we have both been very drunk and had sex... which only helped to complicate the situation. Gotta love alcohol.
Sober? I don't think I would have sex with her, which should be a red flag right away that I should only be friends with her. But sex, even drunk, has a tendency to create temporarily feelings that aren't truly there.

Because I didn’t want to lead her on, we had a discussion once, before the whole drunken sex thing happened, and I clearly stated that I just wanted to be friends. I guess the whole sex thing just had me rethinking it.

You guys are great. Thanks for sharing your experiences and advice, it helped me think it through. I've decided to just be friends. There really just isn't enough physical attraction there. She hasn't brought it up again, but I just wanted to have my mind made up before that in case she did... or incase I wanted to bring it up.