Am I playing this right??

[drake]

Dated my ex for about 2 years. Im 25, she is 26. I broke up with her after about 7 months of dating. Then we got back together after about 4 months. Then late this year she said she needed to figure her life out. She was all depressed, putting on weight and not attending social things etc......

When she told me she wanted the break....I said nothing and walked out. I was shocked. Then 1 month later she contacted me all pissed that I have not called her. Whatever. Then I continued to ignore her.......then a couple weeks later she tells me she was in the hospital for a week and has no health insurance and that is why she did not call me for a couple weeks. Umm, ok whatever im thinking. I cant believe this girl could be in the hosipital for a week and not even call me?

Anyways, its been about 2 weeks since she wrote the hopsital email and I have not responded to anything. Im just telling myself that this person deserves to be ignored. Is this right?? I feel like an ass for not at least writing back and saying hope your doing well, yadda yadda.

This girls life is really screwed up right now. I just dont want to associated with her until she figures herself out. So is it just best to ignore her? i have a feeling ignoring her is only going to make her want me more, but right now I dont want her. I have been dating a lot and this is fine.....but I just feel like an a$$ about this.

Please advise.

 

[I-am-someone]

Obviously this is really bugging you, otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it. From the sound of your post, you seem to have a feeling of guilt towards this girl. Now, feeling guilty towards her, isn't a good thing because it just sits in the back of your mind nagging, until you do something about it, often causing mental and physical discomfort.
So, now it seems you have two options:

1. You stop ignoring her, talk to her like a friend and try to get things sorted out between the two of you, without getting back into a relationship with her, because you stated yourself that you don't want that.

2. You can keep on ignoring her, until the nagging feeling in the background slowly fades away, only waiting to be brought back to life if you ever see her again.


Personally, I'm always all for keeping relationships out of the "negative" zone, in which you are with her right now, but it's your call.

 

[Wyldfire]

When a girl suggests "taking a break" it's usually because she feels that she's not getting what she wants from the relationship emotionally. This was a test to find out if you really love her or not, in her mind. You failed the test rather miserably...

Yeah, yeah...life would be much simpler if women would just say what they need instead of doing the tests and drama stuff...but such is life.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
When a girl suggests "taking a break" it's usually because she feels that she's not getting what she wants from the relationship emotionally. This was a test to find out if you really love her or not, in her mind. You failed the test rather miserably.

"Failed" the test? That's only a term you use when you wanted to succeed in the first place.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by TillTheEndOfTime
"Failed" the test? That's only a term you use when you wanted to succeed in the first place.

Well, seeing as he's posting about it then it's safe to say that he didn't want to "fail". Now it's also likely true he didn't want to be "tested" in the first place...nobody does. I'm not saying the testing is right, or wrong for that matter...I'm only telling him what's going on in the girl's head to make her do the things that made him write about it here. Nothing more, nothing less...

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Originally posted by Wyldfire
Well, seeing as he's posting about it then it's safe to say that he didn't want to "fail". Now it's also likely true he didn't want to be "tested" in the first place...nobody does. I'm not saying the testing is right, or wrong for that matter...I'm only telling him what's going on in the girl's head to make her do the things that made him write about it here. Nothing more, nothing less...

That's true as a general rule to girls with the games they play, but this girl just sounds completely unstable emotionally and mentally. Whether she's playing games or is just a nutjob cannot be decided beyond a shadow of a doubt. There's not much to learn from these quacks....just walk away.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by TillTheEndOfTime
That's true as a general rule to girls with the games they play, but this girl just sounds completely unstable emotionally and mentally. Whether she's playing games or is just a nutjob cannot be decided beyond a shadow of a doubt. There's not much to learn from these quacks....just walk away.

To be perfectly honest with you...just based on what he posted, this is my impression...

Neither one of them have their heads screwed on straight. He said he broke up with her once (didn't give a reason) but then got back with her a few months later. Then she wants to take a break and gets mad because he doesn't call. It looks to me like they are caught up in the stupid game of one-upmanship and battling for control instead of working as a team. You'll have that sometimes...

 

[drake]

.........

I was being tested??? When a girl wants to take a break. I dont think it is a test. Everyone preaches on here about how when your dumped.....dont look back. Well that is what I did. But you guys are making it sound like I should have stuck by her side or something and PASSED the test. I dont get it. Please Clarify. We must not be on the same page here. Yes, I love this girl. But sitting there like a little puppy when she walks out on me....would have been counter productive I believe. She wanted a break to get me out of her life in some way shape or form. This test you speak of.....please enlighten me.

 

[I-am-someone]

Drake, Wyldfire is a woman.

Now, I don't agree at all with all the "next!"ing that has been going on on these boards. There are way too often areas in between that don't deserve to be "next!"ed.
Now, you just said you love this girl. Why did you start ignoring her? Because we said so? If so, start learning to think on your own man! These are not rules you can live by blindly.

There's so many things that may have caused her to decide to break with you, it's impossible to start guessing what exactly may have been the cause.
When you started ignoring her, you also blocked any change of her explaining why she wanted to break or attempting to get to the real source of the problem.

However, she seems to still be reaching out to you, despite of your obviously a$$hole-like behaviour. This means she doesn't feel happy with the situation either and wants it fixed - you're the only element that's preventing this problem being resolved, so lighten up and get it fixed, you know you'll feel better afterward.

 

[Wyldfire]

Drake...were you justified in breaking up with her the first time? By that I mean...did she do something wrong or did you just decide you didn't want to be tied down anymore? This is VERY important because the answer to that question determines why she wanted to take a break. If you did NOT have any real reason for breaking up with her then she's having a hard time trusting you not to dump her again out of the blue. To protect her own feelings she would be inclined to say she "wants a break" because it would sort of level the playing field a bit.

Even if you don't want to be with her or if you had a reason to dump her...if she's in the hospital and reaches out to you during a tough time you shouldn't just give her the cold shoulder. Even if you have to muster up a feigned "I hope you're okay", that's still what you should do. By ignoring her she's probably even more insecure, upset and righteously pissed off at you.

Also, keep in mind that the bulk of the advice on this site is geared towards attracting and getting a girl. Actually KEEPING her once you got her is a whole different ball of wax and very little of the same tactics will actually serve you well. In fact, many of them will lead to ending a LTR. Use your common sense, have compassion but don't let anyone treat you like crap. Use those guidelines first and foremost and then follow your gut.

 

[drake]

....

Wyldefire, I hear what your saying. But I cant seem to get over the fact that she was laying in the hospital bed for a whole week and could not call up her ex (not a bad breakup at all) and tell him she is sick. I was suppose to be the closest guy to her in the past 2 years of her life. That to me shows she was thinking nothing about me. But then AFTER she gets out, thinks its important enough to tell me in an email?? I dont know.

As for the other comments on our break up and her "leveling the playing field". After I broke up with her, we got back after 4 months....then dated a solid 8 when she wanted to take the break. I dont think she was leveling anything. I think she was confused and or had someone else in mind. I have to take her reasons for the break up with a grain of salt. It could have been her letting me down easy for all I know.

 

[Wyldfire]

Re: ....

Originally posted by drake
Wyldefire, I hear what your saying. But I cant seem to get over the fact that she was laying in the hospital bed for a whole week and could not call up her ex (not a bad breakup at all) and tell him she is sick. I was suppose to be the closest guy to her in the past 2 years of her life. That to me shows she was thinking nothing about me. But then AFTER she gets out, thinks its important enough to tell me in an email?? I dont know.

As for the other comments on our break up and her "leveling the playing field". After I broke up with her, we got back after 4 months....then dated a solid 8 when she wanted to take the break. I dont think she was leveling anything. I think she was confused and or had someone else in mind. I have to take her reasons for the break up with a grain of salt. It could have been her letting me down easy for all I know.

Drake...seriously...when you broke up with her, what was your reason? I'm honestly trying to help you sort this out, but in order to tell you what she's thinking I need to know the answers to the questions I asked.

Women are reactionary most of the time. One of the most common ways a female will communicate being upset about something her guy does is by "giving him a dose of his own medicine" so he can feel what she is feeling. The best way to deal with a situation like this is to know how to ACT so that not only does she get her needs met but also in a way that puts a stop to the viscious cycle you're going to end up getting pulled into if you simply react to her reactions. Dealing with this kind of stuff is tricky, but if you learn how to do it right it will make things much easier to deal with. I really need to know what your reason was for breaking up with her the first time. It's important.

 

[drake]

I thought her priorities in life were messed up. She is college educated and I felt she had oppurtunities to advance herself outside her current waitressing job. ( I feel that her job was unhealthy for our relationship. Her hours sucked mainly and that took some QT away I think) Then she threw a test at me and told me she was going to floirda for a month to train for her martial art. I was already not seeing her very much...and that kinda pushed me over the edge. So i ended it and then a week later kinda felt that I jumped to conclusions. We hung out for a few days but she said she is not just going to take me back that easy....and needed space. Gave her a couple months....then we started hanging out again. Got back together and I thought that was it.....now were here.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by drake
I thought her priorities in life were messed up. She is college educated and I felt she had oppurtunities to advance herself outside her current waitressing job. ( I feel that her job was unhealthy for our relationship. Her hours sucked mainly and that took some QT away I think) Then she threw a test at me and told me she was going to floirda for a month to train for her martial art. I was already not seeing her very much...and that kinda pushed me over the edge. So i ended it and then a week later kinda felt that I jumped to conclusions. We hung out for a few days but she said she is not just going to take me back that easy....and needed space. Gave her a couple months....then we started hanging out again. Got back together and I thought that was it.....now were here.

Well, I'm a waitress...and I have to tell you that if you are good at it you can make far more money than you can even with a degree.
But that's not so much the issue here.

This is a case of a power struggle. You were pressuring her into changing to suit your expectations of what her life should look like. That's not a good idea to do. Now, it's fine to voice concerns about her work hours making it hard to spend time together...but if you were laying guilt trips on her or trying to force her into giving in to what you want, then that is the root of this little problem.

Take a second and imagine if she behaved the same way to you about your choices that you did towards her and her choices. You would resent it, as I'm sure she does. Yes, relationships are about give and take, compromise and hard work. What she has been doing is her way of telling you that she is not happy with your tactics of trying to get your way.

If you can't accept her as she is, doing the work she wants to do and making the choices that make her happy then you aren't going to be able to resolve this. Now, if you support her choices and encourage her to do what she wants to do (even if that's waitressing) but explain to her that it's important to you that she put more effort into adjusting her schedule so that there is more time for you and her to spend together, you can probably sort this out. You're going to have to acknowledge that you were out of line for trying to be controlling, but also make it clear to her that you only behaved that way because you felt she could do more to make time for your relationship.

It's much, much easier to get what you want from your partner when you ask and communicate than by demanding, threatening and using guilt. Those methods always backfire and leads to the very kind of power struggle as you find yourself in right now.

She's purposely being inconsiderate to you because she wants you to feel what she is feeling.

You have two choices...make the choice to lose this particular battle in order to end the war or keep trying to win this battle, prolong the war, increase the pain and ultimately destroy any feelings you have for each other.

There's a good chance that if you own up to the part you played in this and are honest with her about needing more of her time that she will make the effort to make the adjustments to give you more time. Although some would say you shouldn't give in...oftentimes the wiser person is the one who knows how to change to course he's on AND get what he wants while also giving the other person what they want.

If you aren't willing to make this compromise you may as well just end the relationship because once you get into a power struggle like this it snowballs and just gets bigger and worse over time.

Good luck...

 

[Donald Kaufman]

IMHO

She broke up with you. At this point it is impossible for anyone, including herself, to know exactly why. At some point in the ensuing month, maybe one second later, she decided that she had put the ball in your court and you were supposed to return it.

When you didn't respond she got angry. She worked herself up on ideas that if you really cared you should have realized she didn't want to break up. If you cared you should've tried to woo her. If you cared you should at least have been upset.

She came up with all these ideas to consciously or unconsciously distract herself from the fact she put the ball in your court and you did not return it. She could've tried to deal with the situation in many ways but she chose to make it your problem. This is why you try to avoid ultimatums. It actually gives all the power to the other person.

When she broke up what she was really saying and what you seem to have correctly heard is "I'm breaking up with you, now what are you going to do?"

You answered back ...

She did not really anticipate this answer. I'm sure she knew it was a possiblity but she never thought you could do it.

That she was so sure it wouldn't happen probably means you have been spoon feeding each other drama most of your relationship. When she felt the drama drying she wanted to really drive it over the top again. Apparently, somewhere along the way you decided you were tired of the histrionics and she didn't read that. Good for you. Congratulations on improving your life. Too bad she was so enmeshed in the emotional upheavals she didn't notice you were changing.

She called back to remind you it was your turn to restart the struggling. I'm willing to bet she did not spend a week in the hospital. I'm sure things were really bad for her. A hospital was probably involved. Who knows. While she was there she was probably thinking about how guilty you would feel when you found out she had been in the hospital and you had done nothing.

You are left with the guilt of not having been there for her. You also know it was she who pushed you out. You also know that if you contact her you will be feeding back into the drama loop it is so healthy for all involved to avoid.

You still feel you owe her something and as the stronger person you probably do. When you are at your clearest and least judgemental you should write her an Email. Acknowledge your blame in allowing the relationship to get out of control. Admit that when she broke up with you it was very hard. Explain how you came to realize she was right in breaking up. Tell her how much healthier you are now that you see how messed up your relationship had become. Apologize for not having been there when she was unwell. Explain that it took you a while to respond while you comprehended all the feelings her message conveyed. Wish her your most sincere blessing. Express your hope that your time apart has given her some of the same perspective it has given you.

You might want to add something or subtract something but what you want to do is let her know she was right and you have changed. By being reasonable she has only two real responses. She can either be reasonable or unreasonable. If she writes back to argue about anything or apportion blame you know it is not the right time to reconnect. If she accepts your apology and acknowledges her own fault she might be someone you want to get to know again.

You put the ball back in her court. You have given her a chance to regain her dignity and some of your respect for her. She can also choose not to; then you can just fade out of her life with a clear conscience.

 

[drake]

Well, I actually wrote her back last night before wyldfire and donanld responded today. I simply said that I would have been there for her in the hospital had I know she was there. I think she has too much pride. I also told her that I was not liking where the relationship was going so I am glad she ended. I was not getting what I wanted/needed. I told her I hate to see her struggling. But really there is nothing I can do for her........she pushed me away.....she has to pull me back if that is what she wants. I told her I have been dating but am having a hard time finding what she had to offer me emotionally.

You guys/girls keep stating that when she wanted a break she was testing me........man I just dont see that. Anyways, I am not sure if she will respond.......if she does I will relay it to you and you can analyze it then.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by drake
.

You guys/girls keep stating that when she wanted a break she was testing me........man I just dont see that. Anyways, I am not sure if she will respond.......if she does I will relay it to you and you can analyze it then.

Drake...after your explanation of what happened previously I don't think the break was a test so much as a continuation of a power struggle. I can almost guarantee you that she feels that you were trying to control and dominate her when you made an issue out of her job choice. She's sort of in between trying to "teach you a lesson" and punishing you for behaving in a way she feels is unfair and wanting you to "snap out of it" and realize you were unfair so you can resolve this and be together.

Yes, sounds like she's stubborn...but it sounds like you are just as stubborn. It seems like you are expecting her to live her life as it suits YOU rather than living it as it suits HER. If you place those kinds of expectations on others it's only going to lead you to a world of hurt. You're going to have to learn how to compromise about things in a way that not only gets your needs met but doesn't infringe on the other person's right to self-fulfillment.

You handled your unhappiness with the amount of time she was spending with you in a bad way and all this other stuff has been a mere snowball effect of that. To fix it you will need to go back to where it all started and handle that issue differently and more fairly...IF you want things to work with this girl.

 

[squirrels]

Tell her in no certain terms that the relationship is over.

Offer her a shoulder, nothing more.

Don't make it your mission in life to save her,

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by squirrels
Tell her in no certain terms that the relationship is over.

Offer her a shoulder, nothing more.

Don't make it your mission in life to save her,

Squirrels...the situation is that he felt she wasn't spending enough time with him because of her job as a waitress. Rather than ask her to adjust her work hours to make more time for them to spend together he insulted her by implying there was something wrong with her for working as a waitress instead of doing something else. This led to a power struggle, both of them being frustrated, hurt, angry and unhappy. He didn't deal with his feelings about her work hours the right way and all the other stuff has been a by-product of that initial mistake he made.

It doesn't sound like he wants to give up and it doesn't sound like she does, either. There's no shame in recognizing mistakes you make and trying to rectify them. The solution to problems isn't always to let stubborn pride take control. It doesn't sound like her behavior towards him was bad when all this started. It sounds like he enjoyed her company so much he wanted more of it and went about getting that the wrong way and she reacted much like anyone else would under the circumstances.

 

[drake]

Wyld, when we broke up a year ago it was about her working, and where she was going. This time around I am not sure why SHE broke up with me. But you have to remember there is 8 months of dating in between the two. Not once this second time when she wanted the BREAK, did she say anything about work. Other then she hates her job and feels like she is so much better then that and she thinks she was getting lazy and comfortable with it. She had no health insurance. Now when she currently went to the hospital she had to apply for charity she said........so she probably see's now why I tried to get her into something where she could have good money and insurance. I dont think I put as much pressure on her as you are referring to.