Always so nervous

[Downrock27]

I haven't posted on this site for a long time, but I've recently gotten back into college and noticed that I have a big problem with nervousness/anxiety.

After being unemployed for a couple months I decided to get into college majoring in Biology. Students spend a lot of time in the lab working on lab work/experiments.

My problem is that I get really really nervous when I get into my stall and there is someone in one or both of the stalls next to me. I shake like crazy when looking in the microscope.. shake whenever I talk to anyone... basically I just can't relax.

I'm a pretty decent looking guy and consider myself fairly intelligent but I seem to have some sort of major inferiority complex. I get checked out by girls, but if I don't consider myself to be the best looking guy in the room at the time, I just don't feel adequate. I also feel extremely inadequate if I deem someone to be smarter than I am. I end up feeling rather inferior.

Anyone got any tips on ways to relax and just chill out? Maybe i need to lay off the coffee or something. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder about 7 years ago, which causes high levels of anxiety, but really has nothing to do with social prowess.

I feel like I'm missing out on a great situation to meet lots of good looking girls because I just can't seem to interact with people without becoming a total mess.

 

[BackToTheMack]

You’re a scientist? Watch the movie Weird Science and make the perfect women with a computer and some wires and sh*t. She will teach you how to be more confident if it worked in a movie it HAS TO WORK in real life.

I wish I was a scientist.

 

[h2o]

actually, Downrock27, I know where you're coming from. I don't know about the OCD, but in terms of social anxiety and being a total "mess" in social situations, you just have to keep at it. You just got back to school, so don't expect changes to happen immediately. You need to focus on the fact that you have a fear, and you need to face it. Don't avoid situations in which you become a "mess," and in fact, you need to embrace these situations. Make a total fool of yourself, feel the fear, and face it.

The best tip you can get is to face this fear as much as possible. Get out there and talk to people as much as you can, regardless of how much you feel nervous/anxious. When you're doing these things, don't focus on the interactions or what is said/done, but rather the fact that you are doing it for YOU, to face your fear. Regardless of what happens, do it for yourself...it's a battle between you and the fear.

I bet this post sounds repetitive, because really, that's all there is to it. And you have to keep putting yourself in these types of situations. It took me a whole year to get over those feelings/anxieties. Just literally bombard yourself with those types of situations.

Also, yes, lay off the caffeine. Even after having over come my anxiety problems, when I've consumed too much caffeine, I can still experience some jitteriness, which does make me nervous. Caffeine is terrible actually, if you're trying to get over social anxiety, so don't consume it unless you really have to.

ah...and another thing, it could be possible that there are some things you may feel insecure about. It's only natural. I'd suggest taking a minute to write down the things you don't like about yourself. Then, circle those things that you can change. Realize that you will have things down that you cannot change...learn to accept those. Truly accept yourself, and be happy with who you are...don't compare yourself to other people.

Lastly, the way I look at the world, through my eyes, it is my world. Make yourself the center of your world. You are the main character, the center of the universe, etc. All your daily interactions, etc, are influenced by yourself. A-Unit made a similar remark in another post...you create your own stress, your own dramas, etc. Don't let outside influences affect you. Everyone else may as well be zombies. Don't let the small stuff phase you.

-best of luck

 

[Mojo604]

Hey man, I know how you feel, I get like that sometimes too, but just not as bad. I noticed that I get anxiety and nervousness when I havent been very social for some time... like when I dont get a chance to go out and do things with people for several weeks or something like that.
for example.
Right now, I just started college since that fall semester, and being around so many people in school and in classes kind of overwhelmed me in the first few days. Slowly thought I have been beginning to relax..
What i noticed helps me relax is to wear clothing that is comfortable and not too restraining, and not too much of it...keeping your body temperature cool really helps, because I know that anxiety can make you start sweating by doing nothing at all.
Also, make sure you look acceptable/good with whatever u wear..doesnt have to be really nice..nothing too fancy..this can affect you subconsciously is you have feelings of inferiority deep down.
When you are about to do something that might make you anxious or whatever, take a deep through your mouth, and as you begin to exhale you should be already on your way to doing whatever it is you had to do- however small it may be.
Looking people in the eyes when you are speaking to them or them to you, no matter how small the chatter may be.
Your posture should be good...im sure you must already know what a solid posture is from being in this forum, and what a good posture does to those around you and for your subconscious.

thats about as much as my wretched memory is allowing me to write for today. goodnight.

actually, heres some words from some of my favourite 'teachers'.

"Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears."
-Marcus Aurelius
(Roman Emperor/Stoic philosopher)

"A man is as miserable as he thinks he is."
-Seneca
(Stoic philosopher

 

[thefonz]

I know what your going through man and it's a constant battle.......listen to what h2o says but take it with a grain of salt, don't attempt situations that are too overwhelming cus that will lead you discouraged and depressed, take it in steps: I think you know this cus you've probably been facing your fears everyday and it only gets worse......you gotta organize it.

Getting over this requires a complete mental overhaul......analyse what situations (in particular) cause you anxiety and group them in categories based on least anxiety 1 to overwhelming/debilitating anxiety 10. On this scale of 1-10 start with things that make you nervous on a scale of 1-3 and take on those tasks......once you do that use the confidence you got from conquering those tasks to do 4-6, likewise once you've done those you're ready for 7-10......now I skimmed through that relatively fast but you wanna take your time doing each different situation until you feel comfortable doing it again....only then do you move on to the next. Focus on yourself and don't compare yourself to other people....this is a MUST for completing this.

Also take the time to pinpoint the thoughts that occur when you feel nervous. You may be saying, "What do you mean focus on the thoughts? I'm just anxious!" Often these thoughts are very quick so you need to catch them through paying careful attention, once you catch them QUESTION THEM, most of my old maladaptive thoughts were greatly exaggerated, "She knows I'm nervous, she hates me, I never do well at this." You really gotta drill your thoughts when you hear these things. Most people are too worried about themselves to care about you. It takes effort man, but you'll get used to doing it. The rank of anxiety stems from maladaptive thoughts--->Inaccurate Expectations (what you think is gonna happen before you go into a situation)--->to False Beliefs (the highest rank :the root of the anxiety) work hard to change the false delibiltating beliefs you have about yourself, write them down and again: Question Them!

Another thing to do would be to practice controlled breathing......One thing specialists/psychologists/doctors have noticed about people with anxiety disorders compared o regular people is that the people with anxiety don't breathe into their diaphram. To do this ly on your stomach and breath in til you feel your stomach push away from your spine and breathe out. Start breathing into the chest until you can lower the breathing into the area just below your bellybutton. Focus on breathing like this with your eyes open for 15 minutes a day. Focus ONLY on your breathing into the diaphram. Concentrate on the breath. Once you've practiced enough it will become second nature to breathe like this in the live event, practice....

Probably the most important of task (in conjunction with the others) is to do exposures. Exposures are the mental imaginary scenarios of the situations are afraid to go in facing. Put yourself into the scenario with HEAVY detail. What do you smell? What's the temperature of the room? How do your clothes feel. Whose with you? What do they look like? What are their facial xpressions? Visualize the situation completely and play it out as if you are actually there. Imagine it out and stick with the anxiety, hold on until it recedes (it make take several times trying this until you can get it to go down, thats ok.....don't rush it) I can't underestimate the importance of exposures. Once you feel prepared in the imaginary scenario your ready to try the real thing.....it may be a little different than in your imaginary exposure but thats expected, yo'e practiced and your ready to confront the fear, just concentrate on your deep breathing and stick with it until the anxiety fades. Like I said it;s very treatable......but the only people who get cured are those that take action, if you don't take action you'll be forced to live in fear and avoidance for the rest of your life.

I didn't lie when I said this takes effort man, but it is treatable.....VERY treatable. But you gotta do the work. Also, stop worring about how you SHOULD act, get the word SHOULD out of your vocabulary......you need to go at your own pace and don't feel rushed to do anything, it's your life. Good Luck!

 

[Alphathree]

Things to consider:

Timeline/NLP-based therapy

Meditation

If you PM me, I can send you a David DeAngelo MP3 I have with both Timeline and a self-image exercise on it.

Oh, and one other thing.

Given there are like 500 MP3s in his advanced series, I think it's fair use to send one person one MP3.

 

[ShyRyder]

Thefonz knows what he is talking about listen and act accordingly.
I'm still trying to finish my anxiety off. Steps that have help me

meditation
areobic exercise(cardio)
thought journal(write down thought that give you worries then prove to yourself how unture they are)
Social anxitey self help books
Expousing yourself to social fears is king

good luck

and coffee just makes it worse

 

[h2o]

Originally posted by thefonz
Getting over this requires a complete mental overhaul......analyse what situations (in particular) cause you anxiety and group them in categories based on least anxiety 1 to overwhelming/debilitating anxiety 10. On this scale of 1-10 start with things that make you nervous on a scale of 1-3 and take on those tasks......once you do that use the confidence you got from conquering those tasks to do 4-6, likewise once you've done those you're ready for 7-10......now I skimmed through that relatively fast but you wanna take your time doing each different situation until you feel comfortable doing it again....only then do you move on to the next. Focus on yourself and don't compare yourself to other people....this is a MUST for completing this.

yeah, this is a very good point, tip. Like, I started out talking more to classmates, people I was familiar with a bit more for about a month. Then I moved onto greeting strangers, then to chatting with them longer. Granted, my conversation skills were still not up to par, but just asking them questions and listening was enough. I only talked to guys and male strangers. Then I moved onto old ladies. Then to ugly girls my age...then to talking in groups, then in front of bigger groups. Then talking to who I perceived as the "cooler" or more popular peers. Then finally to okay looking girls, then cold approaches.

If I had started doing cold approaches from day one, I would have burned out quick. thefonz is right, take baby steps, it's the best way to get there.

And expect this to take at least a couple of months.

-gl again

 

[thefonz]

Right, and everyone with anxiety is anxious about different things which is why I keep saying not to compare yourself to other people. Make your OWN heirachy of anxiety provoking situations and take on each event one by one. I was at the stage after I'd been here a couple months where I was able to do cold approaches with ease (after working my way up the hierachry) and that boasted my confidence tremendously. But basically I got to the point where I became lazy and let my thoughts run untamed in my head and I had several events where I was anxious around people and I dwelled on it to the point where I thought this whole mess was starting over again.......

This is why I'm so thankful for this site sometimes cus it gives me that refrence where I can come back here and say........DAMN, this is ALL in my head!!!! Just like ANYONE with problems which most people who weren't raised in a 2 parent 2 car garage house have to work hard EVERYDAY to resolve their issues, it's an issue just like any other. I'm too good looking and motivated to slip into that gap again.

P.S- H2O your a huge motivator for me man, I didn't really like you until I read all your approach journals now I have a whole new respect.......Sarge on

 

[RaWBLooD]

why dont u just get out there already.:woo: :woo:

 

[h2o]

^^hey fonz, clean your PM box

 

[thefonz]

I'm clean.....

 

[ShyRyder]

Definitely having a hierarchy of fears is the best way to conquer social anxiety problems. One of my hurdles in getting over SA was biting off more then I could chew. Baby steps is always the best way to go, you wont be able to defeat it all in one night. Completely conquer the a fear on your hierarchy and move on to the next.

Another major aspect of getting better is getting a social circle. Having a circle gives you a place to repeatedly face fears. If you have one your goals should be to lead the conversations and tell stories to get comfortable with the spot light. Also taking about your problems with people you trust can take the pressure off your shoulders. I didn’t have a social circle so I had to find a social anxiety support group online. Taking that first step to get in their I had to get over a lot of shame and fear. Since then my life has consistently gotten better and I’m ten times more confident. I’m ready to give cold approaches another round.

Again good luck

 

[calimartin]

great book...

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...102-7446539-7424933?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

great book to read that will help your problems ... every guy here should also read it ... #509 on Amazon for a reason ...