all time low, random rants. Sorry

[pvf94]

Im sitting here after going out with a lady friend... and Im not feeling so hot, even though things went alright.

I cant really grasp why I am upset at the moment. I dont even know why im sitting here typing this really. I guess its the only place I can feel safe to express my true thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I can't really talk to anybody about any of this. I actually feel kind of ****ty knowing how much of a ***** I am for sitting here and typing this. I just need somewhere to vent...

Im just thinking about all of my past mistakes.

I feel rather lonely too....im really improving though. I have come a far way ever since I began to self improve. My one problem still exist's though, I am unable to get what I want....*I want what I can't have*

This apply's to all things in life for me currently...
I want this, I want that...I dont get what I want and I end up feeling down because of it, and with everyone telling me to not feel bad about it, try and improve more...I just feel alone, and I feel as if I am the only one on an endless journey to happiness. I just cannot seem to find it, I am eating right, running, working out, smiling more, eye contact, sparkin convo, trying to become a bit more extroverted, but after all is said and done....I come here, sit down, and realize I really have not completed much of anything.

I am actually only able to find happiness in one place. It is a weird place, but for some reason it is peaceful, and I really am able to think about things much clearer.

This place is train track's....for some reason I can just start walking down them for miles and I feel at peace. Ill even be honest, if it wasn't so late out right now...that is where I would be. Id probably be crying and mumbling to myself this time though, im sort of at an all time low?

Life feels so damn short, yet I am still unable to strap my nuts on and just go for ****, I think now that I am starting to ramble on about stuff I am answering my own questions....for example..

Tonight me and a girl went out, on a 100% random outting..get this.....
we went out at about 9 pm est parked her car in a random spot, it was cold as **** out we headed to the damn train tracks and wanted to get inside a factory....couldnt do it, people where working night shift. We felt the need to be *******s, so we went around looking for **** to do....we ****ed up a reindeer and I put some lawn decorations in sexual positions =P

Than we went to walmart to try and get kicked out, we filled up a cart with random **** and left it in the middle of an aisle...we got on the intercomm, we threw **** at each other, we rode the bikes around the store, we kicked a ball at an old lady....she tried to push me into a aisle of toys and knock a damn shelf down. We broke a lamp, we acted immature.

She burped in front of me, when we where in the factory area earlier...I said we where going to get raped. She said she was on her period, and that they would leave her alone and **** me up. Dunno if that was a good or bad thing...

I dont ****ing know anymore guy's, im just sitting her pissing away minutes whinging and ranting and wanting and needing stuff I cant have, all just for you to giggle at and say "wow what a pansy"

But you know what, I feel better now that I randomly typed problems and ideas and blurbs of my mind....sorry for the rant, but thanks for reading yet another one of my meaningless threads

 

[MisterNigma]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you have depression. Not anything overly serious though.

The reason you're depressed, and that you're not "happy" is that you always want more. If you're anything like me, you want more to a degree that is impossible to achieve (hence i'm rarely happy).

Two quick fixes for your problems:

1. Go to your doctor, get anti depressants.

2. Stop caring.

I went with method two. I really have stopped caring about alot of things.

The only real way to change yourself is to undestand that it is unnatural to be "happy". Happy is the exception to the general rule of life.

Don't seek to be happy. Seek to be content.

Anyway, I'm not a shrink (just yet) but you do have some depression symptoms. If you can, tough it out until the spring (it could just be seasonal dysthymia) if you see no improvement in your outlook though, get help.

Good Luck,


-E.Nigma

P.S. - Make it a priority to spend more time in natural environments (parks, lakes, whatever) during good weather, sunny days.

P.S.S. - STOP BEING SORRY. Forgot this little tid bit. One thing I definately don't care for anymore. I don't feel sorry for the things I do. I don't reccomend feeling sorry to anyone. Even if you should be sorry, don't be!

 

[Jariel]

My one problem still exist's though, I am unable to get what I want....*I want what I can't have*

I want my own private helicopter and a heated pool in my back yard, but I can't have it. What you need to understand is that women are the same. Sometimes they are just out of your reach and all you can do is accept it.

Not having any control over a situation and feeling helpless can lead to intense frustration. But if you can't do anything about it, it's not worth stressing about. Shrug your shoulders and try to take a more laidback approach to life and women.