Afraid she'll leave me

[SayWhat]

Hi

All is going well in the relationship, but the further it progresses, the more fear I get of her leaving me.

I've been through a very very horrible break up a couple of years back and left me devastated for over a year. I don't want this to happen again and I guess that's why I'm so afraid. But when I'm afraid, I tend to not act how I 'should' act, and with that I mean like a real don juan.

When I met her and when we started a relationship, I know I did all the right things that led her to me. I learned it all from this site and The Book of Pook, but now as it progresses I turn more and more beta.

How can I counter this? I really don't want to lose her, but if I keep acting like this I know I will...

 

[jurry]

As you suggest your fear is your own worst enemy and will likely lead to her leaving you as women are biologically programmed to sniff out the beta.

I generally am the opposite and am more beta in the beginning with women, uncertain if theyll like me, etc. so I dont really understand why this is an issue for you.

Stop making a woman the center of your life, face the reality of being alone first and then a girl becomes a nice addition instead of a desperate necessity.

 

[zorg198]

As you suggest your fear is your own worst enemy and will likely lead to her leaving you as women are biologically programmed to sniff out the beta.

I generally am the opposite and am more beta in the beginning with women, uncertain if theyll like me, etc. so I dont really understand why this is an issue for you.

Stop making a woman the center of your life, face the reality of being alone first and then a girl becomes a nice addition instead of a desperate necessity.

^
this

 

[SayWhat]

In the beginning when she texted, I waited for about 15-30 minutes to reply, now I basically reply instantly because I think she'll loose interest if I keep replying late.

For example today, she texted something but I was out running and never take my phone with me, she didn't know I was out running. I came home and she had send three texts, basically just some questions about some stuff. Now I feel that in that 2 hours I didn't reply, I lost some of her interest for me. I didn't tell her I went out running, I like to keep some mystery, but I feel this is working against me instead for me.

I was happy with myself when I was alone, of course I wanted a girlfriend, but I wasn't necessarily unhappy. Then I met her and now after about half a year, I actually am more unhappy because of these thoughts... I am always wondering what I should do to keep her interest high... In the beginning I could act like I could walk away any minute, now I guess she knows I won't.

 

[Roni_88]

In the beginning when she texted, I waited for about 15-30 minutes to reply, now I basically reply instantly because I think she'll loose interest if I keep replying late.

For example today, she texted something but I was out running and never take my phone with me, she didn't know I was out running. I came home and she had send three texts, basically just some questions about some stuff. Now I feel that in that 2 hours I didn't reply, I lost some of her interest for me. I didn't tell her I went out running, I like to keep some mystery, but I feel this is working against me instead for me.

I was happy with myself when I was alone, of course I wanted a girlfriend, but I wasn't necessarily unhappy. Then I met her and now after about half a year, I actually am more unhappy because of these thoughts... I am always wondering what I should do to keep her interest high... In the beginning I could act like I could walk away any minute, now I guess she knows I won't.

that doesn't sound right at all and you need to do immediate changes or if an eventual break up comes.. you will be destroyed..

 

[dasein]

Now I feel that in that 2 hours I didn't reply, I lost some of her interest for me.

No the opposite is the case, every time you demonstrate that you are right there, compliant, at her beck and call, is when she loses a little interest... unless she is personality disordered. Normal ones gain attraction when their man is out in the world doing things and not always available, lose it when he is as accessible as one of their GFs. However, changing your preexisting patterns suddenly is not a good plan either. Do it gradually.

 

[BigSteve28]

This happens to a lot of guys man. Myself being one. Gradually go back to how you were at the beginning and what attracted her to you initially. This exact same thing happen to me with my last girlfriend. I didn't care at the start, I wasn't invested. 5-6 months into it, I feel in love, was very available wanted to please and overtime we broke up because I got away from what I did at the beginning.

 

[Atom Smasher]

You have the common insecurities that most men wrestle with at some point.

You need to regain a sense of control. Baby steps though.

Decide that in the next couple of days you are going to pull something back from her in a controlled way. For example, you might decide to delay an hour before replying to a text, or any other kind of takeaway.

It must be a conscious decision on your part, with an exact parameter in mind (one hour, for example). Keep on taking away a little at a time. Like dasein says, it needs to be gradual.

You will start to feel a sense of control. If she starts feeling some insecurity that's good, but it must be offset by some random reassurance on your own terms, when she least expects it. This will keep her on her toes, feeling a little anxious sometimes but knowing that you'll be there eventually to reassure her.

Do you see that this role I just described about her actually describes you? You need to flip the script. Be the King of your personal kingdom.

 

[El Payaso]

You have to face your fears. Easier said than done but it can be done. Repeat to yourself that she will break up with you at some point or that you might even break up with her. Repeat to yourself that you will be alone but you know what? You'll be fine because your self worth comes from within and not without.

Until you confront and face your fears head on, it will always tug at you.

You have gotten so used to the idea of one pu$$y. You have gotten lax and comfortable and the fear of being alone or having to start searching for new pu$$y is tugging at you. You're afraid that she has more value than you because she can easily find another man quickly.

Your fears are filling up your mind that's why you're doing everything to keep her happy so you don't lose. If you have any red pill sense, you know this is one way ticket to beta-ville and eventually getting dumped.

 

[Trump]

In the beginning when she texted, I waited for about 15-30 minutes to reply, now I basically reply instantly because I think she'll loose interest if I keep replying late.

For example today, she texted something but I was out running and never take my phone with me, she didn't know I was out running. I came home and she had send three texts, basically just some questions about some stuff. Now I feel that in that 2 hours I didn't reply, I lost some of her interest for me. I didn't tell her I went out running, I like to keep some mystery, but I feel this is working against me instead for me.

Bro she'll lose interest for you if you do reply right away. She's not your wife, employee, or the President. She's a girl you have sex with and go to dinner with.

If you were running a large company, would you have time to reply right away? If you were a pilot/doctor/athlete/any 9 to 5 job, would you have time to reply right away? The way it is now you are living your life for her and not yourself, and that's very weak.

 

[Oxide]

Yeah you are forgetting that you are also CHECKING HER and HER actions, to see if what you think of her in this relationship. If a chick for example texts a guy non stop, a guy should think about that and consider it from a bigger perspective, then worry about what the content of the messages might be.

So if her actions are normal, then just do your thing, live your life. In your example, if you don't feel like texting back, then don't. Who cares what she thinks, it isn't one text that gets the breakup ball rolling - its takes a lot more than that, and people work on that stuff when issues come up..and it still takes more time before it works out or it doesn't.

Do you really want to live in fear of every action you take being the right one? Just know that this is life....sh!t happens.. my friends prize dog just got sick and he has to put it down today... it was in top health 2 weeks ago. But you live your life, and you adhere to your value and place you see yourself in the world... and as long as you keep that in your mind at all times, to "do you." so to speak, then it doesn't really matter - she rolls with it? good. she starts to complaining? Ok. she really keeps complaining about a SPECIFIC thing? ok deal with it. Thats all.

 

[ThePiGuy]

First don't do what I did. A couple years back when I was the beta king I got dumped and took it pretty hard, I was lost and a mess after the break up but somehow came across the dj bible. After submerging myself in it I learned a lot and greatly improved just like how you said you did, doing all the right things and what not. A few months after that breakup in met my next LTR but my biggest mistake was abandoning all that I knew and have learned. I thought, "hey! I got this awesome girlfriend guess I don't need this crummy bible anymore, it did it's job." Silly of me right? So eventually I went back to my afc ways and here I am today, single again.
The good thing is you're on here getting advice and like the posts above, your fear and the worrying will be the death of you. Dot overthink it, just do you and worry about yourself. I wouldn't worry so much about her IL either, if she loses interest (oh well her loss) just welcome up the next girl in line. One thing you need to understand and accept is that you two might not work out in the end, for whatever reason, but if so it won't be the end of the world.

 

[SayWhat]

Today I delayed my response time, not the hour as stated above but in the range of 15-30 minutes.

At some point she says 'I'll see you tomorrow, you're clearly busy with some stuff'. At which I said, no I'm not (when actually I was mixing some music). She was talking about her little niece who had a concussion and she loves that girl dearly. I responded to those texts within 5 minutes as it is, as I said, something dear to her.

How should I have dealt with this?

 

[Yorkex]

When you asked if you were busy you shouldn't have said NO !
You mixing and doing something you enjoy has to be placed above her.
Next time , admit that you are busy and you will msg her after ...then stretch out that tension and wait till she reaches out.
Make her feel replaceable but comfort her to keep her on leash.

 

[Roni_88]

Today I delayed my response time, not the hour as stated above but in the range of 15-30 minutes.

At some point she says 'I'll see you tomorrow, you're clearly busy with some stuff'. At which I said, no I'm not (when actually I was mixing some music). She was talking about her little niece who had a concussion and she loves that girl dearly. I responded to those texts within 5 minutes as it is, as I said, something dear to her.

How should I have dealt with this?

Man, still overthinking.. just do your thing and do stuff natural. think in yourself first... you are going in circles doing the same and not taking to heart good advice others have given to you on this same thread.

 

[SayWhat]

Even when it's something important like this? Won't it work backwards? Like she thinking I'm not there for her when she needs it.

 

[Dhoulmagus]

In the beginning when she texted, I waited for about 15-30 minutes to reply, now I basically reply instantly because I think she'll loose interest if I keep replying late.

For example today, she texted something but I was out running and never take my phone with me, she didn't know I was out running. I came home and she had send three texts, basically just some questions about some stuff. Now I feel that in that 2 hours I didn't reply, I lost some of her interest for me. I didn't tell her I went out running, I like to keep some mystery, but I feel this is working against me instead for me.

I was happy with myself when I was alone, of course I wanted a girlfriend, but I wasn't necessarily unhappy. Then I met her and now after about half a year, I actually am more unhappy because of these thoughts... I am always wondering what I should do to keep her interest high... In the beginning I could act like I could walk away any minute, now I guess she knows I won't.

lol overthinking ****

 

[Roni_88]

Even when it's something important like this? Won't it work backwards? Like she thinking I'm not there for her when she needs it.

You have a lot to learn from this situation, and let me tell its not gonna end well.. but sometimes its the only way we learn and I include myself as well.

 

[Soolaimon]

No reason to be afraid cause it's going to happen anyway if she decides to leave you on her own.

When you are coming at it with a fear based mind set you are the weaker person in the relationship.

Everything you do will show that weakness and she will see it as well. That will make her lose interest.

Just like these guys who are afraid of her cheating so they try to set boundaries to prevent her from cheating.

We all know that boundaries won't prevent her from cheating but those guys do it out of fear and they put more value on the woman.

Don't ever fear of losing a woman cause there are always other women that will do the same things for you as she is doing.

You're living your life woried about what she might think or what she might do.

That's no way to live a life. You should do what you want to do while she is thinking about what you're doing.

If you worry about her actions or what she might think you will be a beta and she will control you.

Start doing what you want to do and never feel bad or feel like you have to explain for what you're doing.

She isn't so why should you?

 

[SayWhat]

But what should I do then?

I mean, you have to be there for your girlfriend in rough times no? Today when I was texting a lot slower, I also felt much better and more confident, but then she says something like "i'll see you tomorrow" and then I start to think stuff like she's loosing interest because I'm not there for her.

Is it okay then for days when you don't see her and only text, to only send one text every hour or so?