AFC Report

[Mr.Positive]

1) Eliminate DESPERATION and NECESSITY.

2) Eliminate STRATEGY

3) Be YOU!

Remember PUA and INJECTING INTEREST in only a short term FILLER. The key is GENUINE HIGH IL in YOU.

This is great advise. Juando, you have this in you, we all know you do! You are just thinking too much right now.

Dating and meeting new women is fun, it's exciting, it's a challenge, and something each one of us should enjoy.

Just remember that this woman is lucky to be spending time with you. Your job is to learn about her, see if she is worth more of your time and energy.

 

[Juando]

I have ended first dates within a half hour. I as well have had a first date last for a consecutive week straight. Both extremes and everything in the middle were successful for me. The common denominator was ME, not strategy.

My first date with Miss T, who became my wife, lasted three and half years.
Literally. Her brother brought me home to hang out after we took a class together and his little sister was there... I spent the night and we were never apart after that except for work or other mundane reasons.

I love what you guys have to say, it's so affirmative and congruent with my way of thinking. In a nutshell, my ex walking out the door left me (temporarily, hopefully) without my groove/Moxie. It was a bad experience that I can't just simply think my way out of. I need to create some solid positive/ affirmative experiences to find my groove again.

Yes, it is tempting and foolish to put too many of my eggs in each new basket that comes along, thank you for reminding me.

This girl is just a girl, pretty, friendly, open for now, but agreed she is in truth a big ?, not the answer to what is left of my shock and grief.

Talking about it may help put her and the situation in its proper context, so I very much appreciate the support from you guys, even when it seems totally logical and appropriate, and even obvious, hearing it calms the fires and reinforces acting from a sensible place rather than from desperation.

Here's my life now: Plate B is here as I write this, passed out from a long week and a hike tonight. She is so cool, warm, intelligent, funny.
But the truth is I'm missing Plate A real bad.
It's all good.

 

[Juando]

Sos

Tough time today, feeling really funky, withdrawal pain.

Fifteen minutes ago was feeling compelled to call HER.

Did not call her.

My mind is relentlessly beating me up, agonizing about this whole experience, what led up to this now, begging for relief.

Must get through this.

Writing here is helping, there are many good souls here, brothers, thanks,

Going for a walk.

 

[Interceptor]

Juando,
brother, I feel your pain , man.


Dudee, you have to realize tha thereis so much happiness in the world out there. '

There is SO MUCH ABUNDANCE and OPPORTUNITY for YOU

For you, Juando

And you are looking at a tuiny fraction of a crumb on this planet Earth

In the huge wide exapnse of the Universe, you are here feeling sad for a woman not validating you....


You grew up thinking that to feel good, a woman HAD to Validate you.

So THIS is what you SEEK.

Becasue you saw so many people doing the same thing.
So believed it was RIGHT, it was CORRECT.

BUt it is NOT.

Especially NOT for MEN!!!!!!!


I firmly believe that Men must grow to reach their fullest maxuimum humna and MASCULINE POtential in this Life.

So that we can be the ;unmoved Movers", and start a good society and as we sometimes call it here, a "Tribe'".

Juan, what kind of Tribal chief can you be now?

What if somehow there is a 'call to arms' of sorts?

Right now, with this frame and perspective...
...could you be counted on?

I mean, really counted on.

Do you have that ability to step back, use Observing Ego and Gain Perspecitve, and then make an Adult, mature, Informed Decisions that is HEALTHY?






Please, man...get a grip..a strong grip on your SELF

Juan, I dont usually get too 'spiritual' and stuff here, but I want to share this with you..
I HOPE that YOU of all people can find the deeper meaning, and appreciate it.

Warning! Extreme Spiritual Beliefs that are considered too taboo and 'woo woo' , 'out there' ahead!

Read at your own peril.


I believe in reincarnation.

I believe I was born with a PURPOSE in my mind and heart.

I know that the guy who I was, before I was born was extremely Gung Ho about being born and setting the world on fire with his dreams, and PROMISED himself , an OATH even, that he would do ANYTHING to ACCOMPLISH his Mission.
(yes, there are actual reasons why I feel this way, I dont feel I am just being New Agey and assuming this)

If I , right now, did stupid things, unproductive, and misguided things to MY SELF.....I would be DOING A HUGE DISSERVICE to my SELF
hey guy who was so resiolved and commuited to making his dreams come true.

I dont know who that guy was...

...but I know, that NOW...I AM him.

And I am not going to do ANYTHING to BLOCK Myself from accomplishing those things that my HIGHER SELF wanted to do in this time.


I HAVE to BE thsi way, Juan.

Juan, I love women, man.

I love them
I adore women
I really really do...

I LOVE having 'femenine energy' in my life, man.

ANd I have made peace with the belief that as a masculine man, a healthy man who is in touch and aligned and embraces HIS DESIRES...NEEDS Women in his life.
I am at peace with that.
Doesnt mean I NEED to get married right now, or I NEED to get a GF right NOW , this minute...that I am desperate.
No way, man.
Are you kidding?

But I accept that I , as a masculine man, need femenine energy.

A healthy, Balanced and Harmonious life includes the complimentary opposite Energy in one's life.

But I am not a SLAVE to it.

And ....
......I do not need Femenine VALIDATION in my life.

I do not NEED women to 'like me' or 'approve' of me.

Do you see the difference?
One is FREEDOM, LIBERATION!!

The other is Slavery!! Misery and UNhappiness!!!

Which one will you choose??



Please try to understasnd..
...that when a persn NEEDS to be 'liked' or 'validated' they have LOST perspective, and do not feel enough LOVE for themselves.

Why oh WHY are YOU NOT loving yourself , Juan????!!!!

Brother Juando!
Wake up, man!!!

You CANNOT live this life NEEDING women to LOVE YOU!

You have to live this life content and fulfilled, and full of love yourself, so that women WILL Love you FREELY.

Do not look for women to FILL THE "HOLE" that only YOU Can FILL UP!!!!!!!!!!


Women can only do so much for you, man.
C'mon, reliaze this. You have to!

Look, be honest with yourself.
But dont drown in your feelings.

Do not IDENTIFY with your EMOTIONS
INstead of saying:

"I am sad and lonely"

Try to detach from IDENTIFYING yourself and say;

"You know, I am feeling a little sad and lonely. But this is temporary, It wont last forever. Because I choose it to not last forever."

Dont 'swim' in your emotions, let your emotions 'swim' in you.

Dont run away from these feelings, feel them.
And then find strength to deal with it.

BE strong.

Think about what I said.

 

[Juando]

Quote:
In the huge wide exapnse of the Universe, you are here feeling sad for a woman not validating you....

Exactly.

That's why I picked her. I love challenges, but there are healthy challenges, challenges that test me to the limit and then there are these other things,
that look like challenges but what they really are, are opportunities to bring up to the surface unresolved fear, pain, illusion.

When I call them up, these things that I should call Soul Holes, because they're darker than Black Holes, they have infinite power, because they suck the power out of me, and then explode into flames, flames to destroy me.

I will not let them destroy me. I know that illusion is what fuels the flames, and I will walk through the flames and claim back my power.

I hear you Interceptor. I hear everyone here.

You remind me that I have the strength and the courage to walk through the flames and come out stronger.

And now a ritual:

I went up into the mountains tonight and when I came back down I stopped at a ridge where only under special conditions and only in that spot a plant grows. I will make a tea from the buds and I will drink for strength and love and courage and you all will be in my thoughts.

 

[jophil28]

But the truth is I'm missing Plate A real bad.
It's all good.

What exactly are you missing about her?

Next question - if she were right in front of you NOW begging and pleading for another chance, would you still feel the attraction ?
Perhaps you miss what is gone BECAUSE it is gone, and NOT because she had any real VALUE as a woman..... This is where the distinction between ATTRACTIVENESS and VALUE is helpful. Which did she have and how much of each?
Imagine for a moment that you could remove the characteristics in her which defined just her ATTRACTIVENESS.. her looks, hair, her walk , her voice tone, her, face or her tits or her body naked. Take all those and push them aside for a moment into a pigeon hole. What else did she bring to your life which were things of real VALUE?

Post back with the list of her CHARACTER attributes which were ADMIRABLE.

 

[Juando]

What exactly are you missing about her?

Next question - if she were right in front of you NOW begging and pleading for another chance, would you still feel the attraction ?
Perhaps you miss what is gone BECAUSE it is gone, and NOT because she had any real VALUE as a woman..... This is where the distinction between ATTRACTIVENESS and VALUE is helpful. Which did she have and how much of each?
Imagine for a moment that you could remove the characteristics in her which defined just her ATTRACTIVENESS.. her looks, hair, her walk , her voice tone, her, face or her tits or her body naked. Take all those and push them aside for a moment into a pigeon hole. What else did she bring to your life which were things of real VALUE?

Post back with the list of her CHARACTER attributes which were ADMIRABLE.

She's a great cook.
She can take a conceit, a premise, and run with it, and riff on it, 'till the cows come home. We would talk until dawn.
She was great at pulling the rug out from under me when I took myself seriously.
She has a great appreciation for family.

Hey Jophil, welcome, brother.

I take your point. I am not saying that my missing her was/is rational, I admit that. There are things about her beyond attraction that I did value, but I let go because ultimately, she is not available to me, she is oriented towards getting and not giving.

Intellectually I have come a long way in letting go of her. But there is still some physical/emotional withdrawal from the unhealthy addiction.

My phone rang last night after midnight and based on the hour and other circumstances I answered thinking it was my bud.

It was her. She asked me what I was up to and I told her, nothing, just reading about how to be a man.

So we had a fairly long convo, mostly catching up, light, somewhat flirtatious. I did not tell her I missed her, I did not propose getting together.
I was neutral, did not at all bring up anything related to the emotional rollercoaster I've been on this past week.
Towards the end of the convo she mentioned that she wanted to check and see that I was still alive, but then she apologized for the comment, which is out of character for her.

I was surprised she called, especially the way she did on a wknd night after midnight. I don't know that I would have taken the call if I had known it was she but it turned out OK. Nothing's changed, rationally, I expect nothing from her, the work of letting go continues as does the goal of reconnecting with myself.

Tomorrow night I have a first date with an attractive miss and I have prepared myself for not going overboard with expectations.

It's been an interesting week, and I am still assimilating the lessons and restructuring of my outlook largely culled from here and my good bud.

 

[Juando]

Had my date with the new girl tonight.
It was ridiculous, in that she was exhausted, hung over, and the most interesting thing she had to say was that she's lusting over an unavailable guy in spite being in a 2 year LTR with the guy she lives with.
Of course I had no idea about any of this. I dropped her off as soon as I could and went to visit a real person just to clear my head.

I found the whole thing, the date, silly and mildly amusing.
I will chalk it up to experience and me learning how to "walk" again.

I would like to get to a place where my time spent with women is more likely
to have substance than empty calories. Hmm, I suppose that means being more selective, but I dunno, maybe sometimes the road to the destination is just bumpy.

I'm starting to agree with you guys who are advising me to put women on the back burner for a while.

Truth is right now i feel exhausted from this stuff and I just want to crawl into my corner, be left alone, especially by hors, and recharge my batteries.

 

[jophil28]

Had my date with the new girl tonight.
It was ridiculous, in that she was exhausted, hung over, and the most interesting thing she had to say was that she's lusting over an unavailable guy in spite being in a 2 year LTR with the guy she lives with.
Of course I had no idea about any of this. I dropped her off as soon as I could and went to visit a real person just to clear my head.

.

Ha ha ! where do you find these winners ? Perhaps the "special needs " group at Parents without Partners ..!
Jeez , I usually see at least one red flag in the woman on the first date - you have quite a selection to choose from in this femme.

Stay cool man , like I say, the worst day fishing is still better than a mediocre date.

 

[jophil28]

She's a great cook.

.. but I let go because ultimately, she is not available to me, she is oriented towards getting and not giving.

There is the DING right there.
For this reason alone, you are wise to hit DELETE on her.

 

[logic1]

I had a feeling this would happen.

Jophil she is a waitress...................... It sounded like he got the date fairly easy. Good or bad??? Dont know. But I sensed bad.

Juando is not in the right frame of mind to be dating right now. He needs to work on himself. He has some issues to be worked out. I think Interceptor could help him if he would listen but I dont see this happening either.

He is trying to eliminate the pain with other women, its not going to work at the moment. I wish I could reach thru the screen and ruff him up a bit ........

Now, to get him to understand this is another story.

 

[jophil28]

I'm starting to agree with you guys who are advising me to put women on the back burner for a while.

Truth is right now i feel exhausted from this stuff and I just want to crawl into my corner, be left alone, especially by hors, and recharge my batteries.

Juando, you and I are the same age and we both have been with a messed up woman. who messed up our equilibrium.
Like you I tried to find a quick replacement to erase the sense of loss and mitigate the pain of a relationship failure.
I did this for three months with NO contender revealing herself.. They were all dumb, or on the rebound, or just fugly or game players.
One day I stopped playing the "chase women" game.and started playing the "tease 'em and have fun " game. I turned the corner and my need to find a woman retreated into the background and was replaced with an attitude of "who gives a f**k what she thinks".. I did industrial strength C& F and played the "smartass" to the hilt.
I cannot tell you that some HB9 nympho came into my life because she did not (yet ) but I started having FUN with women - a lot of fun. I made em laugh hard ,and my arm still hurts from being slapped- I offended quite a few and I really could care less. But I cured myself of NEEDING any approval from women.

Try it.

 

[Nighthawk]

Go and tease ten random women (in appropriate context, just a little ****y comeback or some form of busting), no pressure to take it any further and they don't have to be 10s, see the sexual thrill you are capable of generating, and see if that doesn't recharge your batteries a bit.

 

[MacAvoy]

Juando, I had to go through a period where I swore off women. It was essential to getting my bearings back. However I came back with a much more clear head, it was during that time that I realized I didn't need to find "the one" or a women to make me happy. As a result, I'm no longer a slave to the pvssy. But I still love pvssy and I love chasing pvssy.

Is your life really going to be that bad, if you don't chase women for 3 months or 6 months? You've been tasting it for almost 40 years, a small break wouldn't hurt. Use the time to work on yourself and focus on yourself. You'll come back rejuvinated and the women will pick up on that and it should be that much easier.

 

[Juando]

I had a feeling this would happen.

Jophil she is a waitress...................... It sounded like he got the date fairly easy. Good or bad??? Dont know. But I sensed bad.

Juando is not in the right frame of mind to be dating right now. He needs to work on himself. He has some issues to be worked out. I think Interceptor could help him if he would listen but I dont see this happening either.

He is trying to eliminate the pain with other women, its not going to work at the moment. I wish I could reach thru the screen and ruff him up a bit ........

Now, to get him to understand this is another story.

Hey, I feel like I'm lying on a gurney with the medics gathered around me and sizing me up, mumbling about "trauma" and "extraordinary measures" to be taken.

And, I've been "ruffed up" enough I believe. Maybe there is a Cosmic DJ and he sent my date from hell last night to hammer the point home.

You guys are making too much sense. Joining the monastery for a while might be the thing to do.

So, some of you guys, like Jo and Mac have turned the corner and are having a pu$$y party.... sounds like fun to me. It's ironic because now after being inspired to be all aggressive, PUA, approaching innocent lambs in supermarkets, post offices, everywhere, I'm getting the message to back off, which does make sense, but what about:

"the fool who persists in his folly will become wise" (Blake).

In a way I feel like one of those zombies full of bullet holes, swiss cheesed
but still approaching, can't be stopped...

Oh, no: it's DJZombie, hide the wimmen!!

I don't know about the wisdom part but I sure am feelin' the fool part...:crazy:

 

[Juando]

A quick post to let you all know that today the scales fell completely off my eyes.

I would love to have a healthy rewarding relationship with an intact woman but no more evidence is needed that this is not the time for that.

Very simply, my Object of Desire called and we had a brief conversation where even the blindest man would see that she is not there for me, never was.

I am glad the conversation happened, even though I feel very strange at the moment.

The contact confirmed that there is not reason on earth for me to be connected to her, that I need to be alone for a while to get healthy, assimilate this painful but incredibly rich experience that tells me it's time to get on the bus that's about me healing and being reborn as a whole man.

I may post a question about my LTR ex but first I need to sleep on this experience.

The only other thing I want to say is I can't tell you how much of a difference your support and clarity made. You are my brothers.

 

[jophil28]

You are my brothers.

Yep, like the song says ," The road is long with many a winding turn ,
No burden is he... to bear,
...He ain't heavy....." and so on.

 

[Interceptor]

juando, were here for you, man

 

[Juando]

Ok, so cutting the umbilical with the Object of Desire, a woman I can now see as narcissistic, selfish, unconscious, insensitive, and cold (for starters), happened yesterday.

Yes, I'm still smoldering. Is there part of me that still wants her? Yes.
Am I going to act on my AFC part's desire? No.

We'll see, but I'm hoping that the logic and rationale of severance being stronger than the pain is even more solid tomorrow.

Now I'm eager to continue with Spring Cleaning; thinking about cleaning up unfinished business with the ex. It's been a year and a half and we have not been talking for a couple of months, but really closer to eight months with brief contacts.

My buddy thinks that the reason I've been very successful with women lately, but only initially is because I've not completed my relationship with the ex.
I've had no problem meeting women, all sorts of women, but had poor results in achieving intimacy and just keeping them around. They've cooled down, lost IL, disappeared, flaked, just not stuck around for me.
He thinks that I need to find ways to complete and sever with her, and that the best way is to engage with her, get her story, explore my role in the dissolution, and finally put it away once and for all so that I can move on with new relationships.

He says I can do this completion work alone with therapy, reading, innere work, etc. but that the best way would be to do it with her if she is up for it.
I suspect you guys would be against contacting her and dealing with her, am I correct?

I am eager to move on and have healthy, sane relationships. Whatever it takes.