AFC Question

[Weezy]

So check this.

My Ex and I had a 3 year off and on relationship.

I felt her pulling away for a couple of weeks, we'd been fighting alot and I wasn't paying much attention to her, not many ILU's from her But then she starts going out more and I start to feel like a breakup is coming.

So then we go on a weekend with my family we'd had planned. **** was hella fun, mad sex. She was laughing the whole time. We get back and she tells me that she loves me and had soo much fun. This is on a Monday night

So for the next week I start to pursue her. Called her to hang out, cuddled with her more. On Thursday I call her and tell her and ask her about when our 3 year is, she mentions that she's shocked cause I'm being so sweet lately. I tell her I'm a sweet guy and she just laughs.

Friday I call her cause and ask to spend the night at her crib cause it's on my way to golf the next day, she is reluctant, which is very weird. Normally she gets hella excited at stuff like that. I ask her if she has plans and she says no, but that we normally hang out on Saturday nights on the weekends.

I end up going over there, am kinda AFC, and she asks again about why I'm so nice? I just brush it off.

Next night she calls, I tell her I'm gonna stay at my pad but that we can kick it the next night. She calls the next night, asks how much I've been drinking and smoking. told her just a bit. I ask her if she's gonna come over, she says well maybe we can hang out tomorrow instead, I say whatever you want, so then decides to come over. She brings a couple of things I've left at her crib. I cuddle with her that night and she gets like mad, asks why it's taken 3 year for me to be nice to her. Next day she makes my bed like a French Maid, cooks me dinner, then after dinner she asks again why I'm being so nice. I say I'm getting older, then she says well, I just feel like it's too little too late, you've treated me like **** for 3 years.. then goes on to say she should be my life, I never spent time with her, blah blah blah.

I realize after she was gonna do it the night before, but didn't cause I wasn't sober.

Can you drive a chick away in a week by changing into an AFC From a Monday to a Sunday? Or was that just the last straw? And why make me fn dinner make my bed hella nice, then break it off?

 

[Cherokee]

Even I can answer that.

YES

women will swing from an AFC branch quicker than you click your fingers. We always have to be dominant and lead the girl... always.

I suppose if we don't wanna get burned we shouldn't play with fire?

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

She made your bed and made you dinner so she could tell herself that she's an awesome person who treats you so well. Either that or she felt bad about waht she was going to do, and was trying to repay your kindness at the last minute.

Sounds like she was planning it for a while. "Too little too late" doesn't mean "oh so now that you've decided to be nice to me, I'm going to go find someone else to treat me like ****." This wasn't a gradual degradation of interest or affection... you said that you'd already noticed her pulling away, and you responded to that. In other words, you thought that yo might have actually screwed the relationship up by being negligent towards her, and then you changed your ways, but, as she put it, "it's too little too late".

Seems like she didn't break up with you beacuse you started acting nice, but because it took her committment to withdraw herself emotionally and eventually break it off for you before you did, which isn't really a genuine change at all.

 

[Weezy]

She made your bed and made you dinner so she could tell herself that she's an awesome person who treats you so well. Either that or she felt bad about waht she was going to do, and was trying to repay your kindness at the last minute.

Sounds like she was planning it for a while. "Too little too late" doesn't mean "oh so now that you've decided to be nice to me, I'm going to go find someone else to treat me like ****." This wasn't a gradual degradation of interest or affection... you said that you'd already noticed her pulling away, and you responded to that. In other words, you thought that yo might have actually screwed the relationship up by being negligent towards her, and then you changed your ways, but, as she put it, "it's too little too late".

Seems like she didn't break up with you beacuse you started acting nice, but because it took her committment to withdraw herself emotionally and eventually break it off for you before you did, which isn't really a genuine change at all.

Spot on Deadly Ripped.

This chick wasn't only an HB 7 at max so not like she totally loved to be treated like ****, some of my friends thought even less, I normally pull hotter, but she hit me at a weak moment, and then I fell for her.

Yeah, that's what I figured. Chick wanted to get married 1 month before too. Did everything I ever asked of her, and I took it for granted. But you can only treat em like sh1t and not up your commitment level for soo long.

This was my second chance too, and I still didn't wanna commit more to her. She hinted about marriage all the time too.

Now, can I get her back?

I already know the answer to that. Sticking to my NC. Damn I miss her though. Even thought of telling her I'm ready to marry her. But that would blow up in my face I'm sure.

 

[Ridingthelightning]

Haha! I went through this exact same thing. And a chick I had a thing for a while back told me about her very recent ex doing the exact same thing to her. And the same thing happened to a buddy from work, although it was the opposite in which he told his fiance she should have treated him better and they weren't getting married 4 DAYS before their wedding.

So here is the deal... When people are done with something they're done. Who knows when and where it comes but it just does.
I'm almost positive there was something that happened that she did to which you realized you better straighten up and fly right. But when that happens that woman's mind is already gone.
A person will put up with this and that and go on and on till they are at their breaking point and they snap. Once a person realizes they have power they use it.
Your ex realized she had the power to say enough is enough.
Some would argue its because you showed weakness but I don't think so. I think no matter what happened the same scenario would've transcribed.
Wow, wish I could go back and relive that again. Life would be completely different now

 

[Weezy]

Some would argue its because you showed weakness but I don't think so. I think no matter what happened the same scenario would've transcribed.
Wow, wish I could go back and relive that again. Life would be completely different now

There were things I saw for sure. Going out more with her friends instead of coming over to my place.

Your right though, I think what's done is done. No going back again.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

I like how she said she should "be your life". What a ridiculous and self-centered thing to say to someone.

Don't walk, run.

 

[Nexus Polaris]

"Look, I'm seriously making an effort here because I realize how shìtty I've been and I feel bad about it. I'd really like to make things better. But if this isn't enough for you, then you can go ahead and leave. I'm not doing this shìt.*"


*I have found that punctuating a statement with "I'm not doing this shìt" in a calm and "I don't give a fück" sort of tone and immediately turning around and walking away afterward can have a tremendous impact on how a situation turns out. But you have to mean it. When you do this, you have flipped the power dynamic and one of two things always invariably happens. Either she caves and starts apologizing to you, or she leaves and you are indifferent to it. Either way, you win.

This one has gotten me what I wanted numerous times even when I was completely in the wrong (i.e. got caught screwing around with another girl). I highly recommend it.



I just realized this doesn't really answer your question, but I thought it might be useful if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. Best of luck.

 

[Weezy]

I like how she said she should "be your life". What a ridiculous and self-centered thing to say to someone.

Don't walk, run.

She also said that I always talk about how I wanna make money now so I can focus on my family later in life, but that she should be my Family Now.

And that she can't waste anymore time in this relationship. Which I'm guessing means, she 25, and she didn't think I was gonna marry her so she needs to find someone who will so she can pop out a kid before 30..

Anyway... B1tches.

 

[Weezy]

"Look, I'm seriously making an effort here because I realize how shìtty I've been and I feel bad about it. I'd really like to make things better. But if this isn't enough for you, then you can go ahead and leave. I'm not doing this shìt.*"


*I have found that punctuating a statement with "I'm not doing this shìt" in a calm and "I don't give a fück" sort of tone and immediately turning around and walking away afterward can have a tremendous impact on how a situation turns out. But you have to mean it. When you do this, you have flipped the power dynamic and one of two things always invariably happens. Either she caves and starts apologizing to you, or she leaves and you are indifferent to it. Either way, you win.

This one has gotten me what I wanted numerous times even when I was completely in the wrong (i.e. got caught screwing around with another girl). I highly recommend it.



I just realized this doesn't really answer your question, but I thought it might be useful if you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. Best of luck.

Yeah, once I realized she wasn't gonna give, she kept giving reasons then answering them for me with what response she knew I would give. I just said, well, help me carry my stuff down to the car.. Was about a 4 minute conversation.

Then I said, this isn't a bad thing, I've thought about it too, but I was gonna give it another chance, she said I know you had been thinking about it. She asked for a hug, then another one, and that was it. That was my attempt at flipping the power dynamic. I'm not doing this **** would have maybe been better.

How long did it take em to come back when you used this?

 

[Nexus Polaris]

Usually, it happens immediately if it's going to happen. And I can't help but think it might have worked pretty well in your situation here since you had just done all these nice things for her.

That's pretty much the crux of "I'm not doing this shìt." You have added value to her (done something nice, been soul-baringly honest, etc.) and have put yourself in a genuine position of being the humbled good guy which puts the ball in her court. Gives her all the power. Makes her feel in control. And then before she has a chance to make a decision with that power, you yank it out from under her by essentially saying, "You know what? I was being sincere because I was wrong and you were too petty to accept it. Why would I want to be with somebody like that? On second thought, nevermind."

Having all that power and then having that power taken away before they can do anything with it is a mind fück for a lot of women.

 

[Weezy]

Usually, it happens immediately if it's going to happen. And I can't help but think it might have worked pretty well in your situation here since you had just done all these nice things for her.

That's pretty much the crux of "I'm not doing this shìt." You have added value to her (done something nice, been soul-baringly honest, etc.) and have put yourself in a genuine position of being the humbled good guy which puts the ball in her court. Gives her all the power. Makes her feel in control. And then before she has a chance to make a decision with that power, you yank it out from under her by essentially saying, "You know what? I was being sincere because I was wrong and you were too petty to accept it. Why would I want to be with somebody like that? On second thought, nevermind."

Having all that power and then having that power taken away before they can do anything with it is a mind fück for a lot of women.

So what are your thoughts on the way I handled it?

 

[Nexus Polaris]

Sounds like you didn't quite assert yourself like you probably should have, to be honest. For example, agreeing with her that you had thought about ending the relationship as well was kind of too little too late. She had already made the decision at that point, and you didn't really have much choice but to go along with it. And the part where you said you were going to give it another chance showed you were more involved in it at that that point than she was. Which is a DLV.

I forgot who it was that said this since there are so many great quotes from so many different people around here, but there was one on here one time that was something to the effect of "the person that needs the other person the least has the most power." And that's really the key. If you want to maintain control of a situation, you have to remain in power. Which means always needing the other person less than they need you. Never becoming so attached that you can't walk away at a moment's notice. She should be afraid of you walking out on her, not the other way around.

It sounds kind of harsh, but it's really not. There's a fine line that you kind of find over time of how much is enough to invest yourself in somebody without losing control over yourself. Find that line and stand right on the edge of it. But never cross it. Because once you do, you are no longer the one in control.

This is how I do it anyway. Seems to work for me. The only drawback is that I do seem to end up with a lot of psychotic exes that won't leave me alone when the relationship ends.

 

[Weezy]

Sounds like you didn't quite assert yourself like you probably should have, to be honest. For example, agreeing with her that you had thought about ending the relationship as well was kind of too little too late. She had already made the decision at that point, and you didn't really have much choice but to go along with it. And the part where you said you were going to give it another chance showed you were more involved in it at that that point than she was. Which is a DLV.

I forgot who it was that said this since there are so many great quotes from so many different people around here, but there was one on here one time that was something to the effect of "the person that needs the other person the least has the most power." And that's really the key. If you want to maintain control of a situation, you have to remain in power. Which means always needing the other person less than they need you. Never becoming so attached that you can't walk away at a moment's notice. She should be afraid of you walking out on her, not the other way around.

It sounds kind of harsh, but it's really not. There's a fine line that you kind of find over time of how much is enough to invest yourself in somebody without losing control over yourself. Find that line and stand right on the edge of it. But never cross it. Because once you do, you are no longer the one in control.

This is how I do it anyway. Seems to work for me. The only drawback is that I do seem to end up with a lot of psychotic exes that won't leave me alone when the relationship ends.

I like harshness, puts **** in perspective. I'll remember this next time. It's tough to think on your feet when your chillin eating dinner one minute, then the next thing ya know she's nexting ya.

The bottom line is that she wanted to get married and have little babies and be a mom, but I just broke her heart by treating her like **** for 3 years and never taking her comments of marriage seriously.

So my next question for ya.. Is there anything else I could do to get this one back? Or in your mind if I try and go back will I just be giving her more power? All my buddies tell me she can't do better than me, but that really doesn't matter at this point since I'm the one with my **** in my hand.