AFC is Validation

[guru1000]

Last night, I went out on a blind date. The girl was an HB6. Usually when I come across this scenario I do one of two things. I cut the date short or I bring her to my house, f*ck her and never call again. Being it was a blind date, I met her at a bar where 3-4 of her friends were. I love when a girl brings her entourage to come check me out. This is usually when I become most ****Y to the point where the girl doesn't want me around her friends because I will embarass her.

I just want to point out because it was an HB6, I was not looking to do any work here. I was going to be my usual ****Y and touch abusive self, and get her to my house. With a hb8-10, I would invest my time and energies. Needless to say my goal was to cut this short and to the point. I wanted to close her within an hour, which is a norm time for a HB7 or below. An hour passes by, and I am not getting the correct VIBE. She does not want to leave the bar and her friends. Too much work, so I take off.

Then it got me thinking. When I first saw her, I had no interest whatsoever. Leaving the bar, she stayed on my mind. Spinning HB8-9's regularly, you would think not to give this a second thought. That is when I realized the NEED FOR VALIDATION.

I have noticed that many of the AFC traits discussed here such as neediness, clinginess, desperation, calling too often, questioning what happened are all directed to being VALIDATED.

Most of the time, you are not interested in the girl as much as you are in validating your ego. So if AFC= Validation, am I AFC? IMO being VALIDATED is a primal instinct. This is why we are always at war with our inner AFC. No matter how much of a MAN you are, you will always be challenged by the inner AFC demon screaming for validation.

Just like a recovering drug addict is told to watch out for his TRIGGERS. The same applies here.

AFC Triggers:

1- Your girl leaves you

This is when you are most prone to succumb to your inner AFC. Your oneitus who consistently validated you has left and now you have a huge VOID. As much as a MAN as you may be, you will feel a LOSS. This is when , you must seek VALIDATION within yourself and your life. This is when REALIZATION and GROWTH come into play. You should not seek outside validation. Focus on yourself and livlihood. This usually is a turning point.


2- Little Positive Results

With little postive results, your inner AFC screams "VALIDATE ME". This is when tenacity comes into play. Play the numbers game and the law of averages. The law of averages state "It is not, if or maybe, but GUARANTEED that if you ask enough people for what you want, you will CLOSE". This is a universal law. So keep your chin up, ignore the inner AFC and keep your eyes focused on the goal.


3- Monetary Situation or Business is bad

As MEN, our livlihoods should be most important and our number asset.
For most, this is what truly validates us. When this is in jeapordy, our AFC screams the loudest. This is when our fight or flight response kicks in. This is the hardest obstacle to overcome. Best way to respond, take it on the chin and keep moving foward. You cannot change the past but you can certainly change the future. Everyone goes through ups and downs, but the TENACIOUS remain VICTORIOUS.

A permanent solution is not NEEDING anyone or anything to validate you. But as MEN, we will always have that inner AFC screaming "VALIDATE ME".

Beware of your triggers.

 

[reset]

I've been at 1 for a few months now. Coming out of it fvcking FINALLY, with the help of this place. My oneitis left and my desire and neediness went off the freaking charts when before I just liked her a lot. I never considered she'd lose interest. But she did, and all of the sudden what you could sort of take or leave becomes life or death.

So I've moved into 3. I ignored 3 for a long time because of 1.

I have no experience with 2. I hope one day to be one of the dudes here who is asking questions about my plates. Right now I have one plate, ME. :woo:

 

[ketostix]

Well, I think there's a healthy level of need for validation, a level that motivates you and makes you feel reasonably rewarded by your achievments. Having zero need for validation would be being complacent and unmotivated like a street bum or drug addict typically is. Having too much need for validation would be being insecure and needy. It would be counterproductive since you would be taking set back too hard to effectively move forward. It's all about balance IMO.

 

[guru1000]

Well, I think there's a healthy level of need for validation, a level that motivates you and makes you feel reasonably rewarded by your achievments. Having zero need for validation would be being complacent and unmotivated like a street bum or drug addict typically is. Having too much need for validation would be being insecure and needy. It would be counterproductive since you would be taking set back too hard to effectively move forward. It's all about balance IMO.

I agree. I was pointing out not to let TANGIBLE RESULTS validate and define your CHARACTER. Be VALIDATED from within because of who you are and not to seek it from the outside. Most importantly, beware of the outside TRIGGERS.

AFC= Outside Validation

 

[Interceptor]

Guru, it ws your EGO in the forefront of your mind that night.

It was a Self Image/Ego issue.

It doesn't run as deep for you because of your fair share of Female attention, but you were in Ego zone then.

This is a perfect example of getting used to behavior and actions that inflate our Ego, and promote a Self Image based on that Ego.
Sometijmes we do get confused in recognizing when we are inflating the Ego ro when we are building true Self Esteem.

One way to curb this behavior is refelct on it , preferably in present time.

but, debreifing yourself and gleaning pieces of data to use in the future is critical in self improvement and promoting a healty self awarenss and a commitment to a balnaced and fulfilling life.

 

[ketostix]

I agree. I was pointing out not to let TANGIBLE RESULTS validate and define your CHARACTER. Be VALIDATED from within because of who you are and not to seek it from the outside. Most importantly, beware of the outside TRIGGERS.

AFC= Outside Validation

I mean I agree true confidence must ultimately come from within. But I just don't buy outside factors are important. I don't think any normal healthy person could strictly be validated from within despite an outside world being suggesting something different. That seems like the definition of being insane of disfuntional. Maybe I should change the word validation to confidence. I believe you can and should be self-validated, i.e., realizing that you have value despite outside factors.

 

[Interceptor]

Keto, you are starting to go into some deep territory here.

Yes, it is not possible to be COMPLETElLY self validated from within.
Hobbies, pursuits, interests, learning new things, accomplishing goals, ALL these things give us Internal Validation.
This is the mindset we shoudl adopt.
We can do this when we focus on oyur Self Interest, and Self Realization and sticking to our Personal Mission in Life and as a Man.


This is extremely important in realizing our Self Worth.

We must let go of the attachment of too much value and meaning on what others decide who we are, we cannot let others Define us.


So yes, we can do pretty well on our own, believe it or not. I'd say about maybe 80 percent , maybe 90 pecent internal validation.
And it is ultimately , critical to true lasintg happiness and fulfillment.


We cannot place too much emphasis on letting others decide our Value, our Self Worth. This is critical.



But what about the other 10 or 20 or even 25 percent of Validation?

Where does that come from?

It could be said by some that it is still INSIDE of us.

But it isn't necessarily US that is Valdating us.

What ither part of our universe can bringius this feeling of belonging and value, worth, and happiness.of being in harmony and peace.content, fulfilled?

If it's not people, places, things, or oursleves? then who or what is it?

 

[reset]

So yes, we can do pretty well on our own, believe it or not. I'd say about maybe 80 percent , maybe 90 pecent internal validation.

I used to get excited to learn ways to get girls so I could feel validated, now I'm getting excited to learn ways to validate myself. A subtle shift.

The last question is a potent one and I think your answer depends on how much you are really willing to let go of your ego. If the red pill is happiness but no inflated ego and the blue pill is no happiness but inflated ego, people will choose the blue pill.

 

[STR8UP]

I don't care who you are, every single one of us has at least a little AFC in us....it's human nature. It's ok to the point where it is unhealthy, such as in ways we talk about here, but it will always be there, might as well acknowledge the fact.

Funny thing is, everything you talked about that TRIGGERS a man's inner AFC......it's TEN TIMES worse in a woman.

You think you get insecure when that hot chick that's supposed to call you doesn't call? Do that to a chick who is into you and she would swim across an alligator infested swamp if the phone was ringing on the other side.

A woman who is very attracted to a man is worse than a lot of men who are very attracted to a woman. Gotta love those "emotions" when you can use them to your ADVANTAGE.

It's the best weapon in your arsenal since it's the woman who basically provides you with an unlimited supply of ammunition.

 

[mrRuckus]

Why is it all about validation?


I want a girl. I like being with a girl. I don't really feel that much need for validation. If I lose a girl or get rejected, I'm not feeling much that i lost my source of validation...

I'm actually thinking "damn, i really liked that girl and had fun with her... sh1t, i don't get to have sex with her anymore? Damn, she was good at that. I liked talking to her... ugh, there aren't many girls i like to talk to or are intelligent enough to talk to.. i had high hopes for this one.. now how long until i find another with those qualities? There sure aren't many." Just having other plates to "just have sex with" or whatever really isn't enough... I liked THAT one.. i will miss THAT one.

It's more a sense of loss all around. Like if my computer died. Wow, i use it for so many things and enjoy having it available that when it dies or the internet connection goes down, i'm actually sad and feel a sense of loss and i'm confused about what to do with the free time (that would give the same level of enjoyment) that used to be filled with some computer time. I work with computers, play video games, talk to my childhood friends who live across the country now so my computer is a big part of my life.


Instead of a loss of validation, I think the girl is dumb. They always want to try to analyze the hell out of me and end up wrong. I think, "what does she know? Oh well back to the loser guys she endlessly complains about i guess. good move, lady." But I still miss her because I *did* like the woman I thought she was and i don't like that void left there when i've gotten used to her being there. I'm used to going to her to talk about things... there's running conversations that are left behind... something comes up about a certain topic and i usually go to tell HER about it, but i can't because we're not talking anymore. It's like losing any other friend. You know how you talk to certain friends about certain things? Now there's this sense of unfulfilled conversation. Who do I talk to about X now who understands the whole backstory? eh i'm making no sense am i...



So yeah, i miss the PERSON far more than any source of validation.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Instead of a loss of validation, I think the girl is dumb. They always want to try to analyze the hell out of me and end up wrong. I think, "what does she know? Oh well back to the loser guys she endlessly complains about i guess. good move, lady."

Great post MrRuckus, I feel EXACTLY the same way, when my time with a woman "moves on". It's more of a shake my head kinda thing, like the gal just threw away something that could have been more.

I realize now that women come and go through our lives, and while we may miss them, we are better off..just having spent the time we did with them.

Not for validation, not for a number count, or for our egos.

 

[guru1000]

Why is it all about validation?


I want a girl. I like being with a girl. I don't really feel that much need for validation. If I lose a girl or get rejected, I'm not feeling much that i lost my source of validation...

I'm actually thinking "damn, i really liked that girl and had fun with her... sh1t, i don't get to have sex with her anymore? Damn, she was good at that. I liked talking to her... ugh, there aren't many girls i like to talk to or are intelligent enough to talk to.. i had high hopes for this one.. now how long until i find another with those qualities? There sure aren't many." Just having other plates to "just have sex with" or whatever really isn't enough... I liked THAT one.. i will miss THAT one.

It's more a sense of loss all around. Like if my computer died. Wow, i use it for so many things and enjoy having it available that when it dies or the internet connection goes down, i'm actually sad and feel a sense of loss and i'm confused about what to do with the free time (that would give the same level of enjoyment) that used to be filled with some computer time. I work with computers, play video games, talk to my childhood friends who live across the country now so my computer is a big part of my life.


Instead of a loss of validation, I think the girl is dumb. They always want to try to analyze the hell out of me and end up wrong. I think, "what does she know? Oh well back to the loser guys she endlessly complains about i guess. good move, lady." But I still miss her because I *did* like the woman I thought she was and i don't like that void left there when i've gotten used to her being there. I'm used to going to her to talk about things... there's running conversations that are left behind... something comes up about a certain topic and i usually go to tell HER about it, but i can't because we're not talking anymore. It's like losing any other friend. You know how you talk to certain friends about certain things? Now there's this sense of unfulfilled conversation. Who do I talk to about X now who understands the whole backstory? eh i'm making no sense am i...

So yeah, i miss the PERSON far more than any source of validation.

Agreed. However,

Does it CRUSH you more when you leave a girl cold turkey or when a girl drops you?

Why?

Either way you will miss the times and things you shared with her. I certainly do.

This is an AFC trigger. Neediness pours in WANTING to find a replacement for the empty VOID.

Just having other plates to "just have sex with" or whatever really isn't enough... I liked THAT one.. i will miss THAT one.

Right! The other plates might provide companionship and sex, BUT you will always think about the one who left you. Why?

This sense of loss exists because it is lost. You cannot GET IT BACK.

Naturally if you could get it back, you would not experience this sense of loss. What does this LOSS represent to you? Why is it when you DROP a plate, you don't experience a LOSS of this magnitude? If you went out with her identical twin, would that twin fill the VOID?

 

[lookyoung]

Last night, I went out on a blind date. The girl was an HB6. Usually when I come across this scenario I do one of two things. I cut the date short or I bring her to my house, f*ck her and never call again. Being it was a blind date, I met her at a bar where 3-4 of her friends were. I love when a girl brings her entourage to come check me out. This is usually when I become most ****Y to the point where the girl doesn't want me around her friends because I will embarass her. I just want to point out because it was an HB6, I was not looking to do any work here. I was going to be my usual ****Y and touch abusive self, and get her to my house. With a hb8-10, I would invest my time and energies. Needless to say my goal was to cut this short and to the point. I wanted to close her within an hour, which is a norm time for a HB7 or below. An hour passes by, and I am not getting the correct VIBE. She does not want to leave the bar and her friends. Too much work, so I take off.

lol. Man this sums the way I do things with HB's. I had to rep you for this. PLUS 1

 

[mrRuckus]

Agreed. However,

Does it CRUSH you more when you leave a girl cold turkey or when a girl drops you?

Why?

Either way you will miss the times and things you shared with her. I certainly do.

If i drop her it's because i'm not interested and not stimulated intellectually by her or she doesn't turn me on. There's not much TO miss. The running conversations were crap, the inside jokes limited, etc.

This is an AFC trigger. Neediness pours in WANTING to find a replacement for the empty VOID.

Yeah, of course, but you can be aware of it and not fall into that trap. I'm going through this now if you read the craigslist thread that was recently bumped up.

I really liked that girl, really got used to her being around, and then she just vanishes. I just plain out miss talking to her. There are other girls to talk to, and i already b1tched about this to some friends, but it's not really the same. She was funny, and had lots to talk about involving MY interests. How many women know about my dorky interests? I had the most fun talking to her. It's like if you go to the amusement park after dreaming about your favorite rollercoaster all week, but you get there and that ride is closed. It's still a good time, but not as good as you think it could've been if the coaster was open. I don't feel invalidated by the coaster, but damn i really wanted to ride it 5 times today and who knows when i'll be back?

Right! The other plates might provide companionship and sex, BUT you will always think about the one who left you. Why?

Because I liked that one the most and the rest are filler before I find another that i like 'the most.' If i was the one to dump her, it's because i didn't like her the most so i'd hardly care if she just vanished.

This sense of loss exists because it is lost. You cannot GET IT BACK.

Yeah. Isn't that aggravating?

Naturally if you could get it back, you would not experience this sense of loss. What does this LOSS represent to you? Why is it when you DROP a plate, you don't experience a LOSS of this magnitude? If you went out with her identical twin, would that twin fill the VOID?

Well i sorta answered that above, but what are you trying to prove? Are you trying to get me to say i just miss the ego stroking and the validation another person gives me by accepting me and showering me with praise? Of course I do, but it's not as strong as this thread is making it out to be from how i read it. Maybe the average guys who don't know better, but us? Of course I like having a little puppy dog looking up at me in wonder, but every girl that rejects me i'm hardly beaten into the ground thinking less of myself.

I know I have my sh1t together, and it's really just that we don't have enough in common, or her own ignorance, that causes the rejection. I say her own ignorance because of the number of times I've experienced a girl having some issue about something with me that she just plain made up. She loses interest over something she imagined. Heh. How can i blame myself for that? They all like to play amateur psychologist or listen to some stupid rule in "The Rules" that fvcks with their head. Maybe i don't project myself right, but even then she's rejecting a perception of me that isn't really me. Too bad for her because i know damn well the next guy will likely be worse than I, but maybe he's better at pulling the wool over her eyes, but in the end she'll see he was a fake after wasting a lot of time on him, when she could have had me, the real deal. That's the most likely thing, anyway.

Quick example: my one ex dumped me mostly because she's more socially inclined than me. I can handle myself fine, but i don't want to club and go out every damn day. I don't crave that level of human interaction like she does. Of course, she goes out with some new guy after me, spends a year with him, then starts coming to me and complaining how bad he is in bed (same complain she mentioned months earlier too) and some other stuff and that she misses having sex with me tremendously and my confidence and that this guy is too much of a pushover and she liked how i was 'aggressive.' They were even "on a break" for a bit and she was asking me for sex for a few weeks. OhhHHhh, i'm not so bad now, am i? Need some incompetent dude to contrast for ya before you get it?

 

[guru1000]

mrRuckus, I agree with everything you wrote.

Do you have any ex girlfriends from many years ago that left you and STICK in your mind? So many years have passed and it wasn't even the most GENUINE connection ? One thing you do remember is she was HOT.

It's funny. I've been out with hundreds of women if not more. I have had maybe 12 LTR's of 3 months- 4 years. Yet only 2 stick in my mind. One left me and the other would not get back together with me.

It might be said I had more in common with them or a GENUINE connection. While I was with them I didn't feel that way nor do I see that now. Alot of the LTR's I bailed out of, I had stimulating conversations and a good connection, however, I was just not that ATTRACTED to them.

You chase what runs away from you. A higher rated plate feels attraction for the guy who doesn't validate her. She gets validated all day long from men. She sees the man who doesnt validate her as a challenge. That challenge must always be there. It doesn't matter when or where in the relationship. We lose attraction for what comes easy. That's human behavior. We must always hold ourselves to a higher standard and never SUPPLICATE. All this keeps the attraction level high.

We all have a little AFC inside us. Some bigger than others. When I sit down on a date with a hb9-10, my mind does a quick flashback. It looks for references for other hb9-10's I dated. It compares. It looks at the results of those interactions. Everytime at that point, that HB9.5 who wouldnt come back to me STANDS out and says "Remember me". Her invalidation is my reference point. This keeps my game sharp and a serves as a reminder never to SUPPLICATE.