Advice would be useful....

[Walking Anomaly]

Hey everyone hows life treatin ya?

Great

Anyway, i got this chick whos fallen hard for me a long time ago, we hit it off and were together for a while. We broke it off and eventually started chillen again and messed around. Anyway i tell her that its probably not good to keep doing this and to get out more n meet new people. Now i find she still has feelings for me and did when we were messin around but werent together. And supposedly it hurt her a lot cuz we would mess around but werent together. She agreed to the meeting new people and said she needed to figure sh*t out before she could talk or see me, cuz it would remind her of the feelings.

Im interested in her, and in light of how the situation has panned out, i havent spoken to her in a week. I mean i kno she has feelins and was hurt when we did stuff and werent together, so i was thinkin wat about sayin id get back together however im hesitant cuz she said she needed to figure sh*t out before talking or seein one another.

I figure id shoot a call her way and tell her "look, figure youre sh*t out, but if you're figurin that ur not willing to get together for something official, itd be best you dont waste yours or my time."

Ideas? thoughts? criticizms? Im open...

lemme kno

 

[Walking Anomaly]

bump

 

[Walking Anomaly]

nothin...

 

[WC2]

Why so desperate?

There are so many women out there man, no reason to bask in the thoughts of just one.

She may be interested in you, but obviously not enough if she says she needs to figure sh!t out. When she says that you 'hurt' her, she's simply using this as a test. She wants to see if you'll cave in and admit to wrong doing (which there was none on your part). Don't do this. She just wants an ego boost.

It's very possible you could keep things going with this chick, but don't waste your time thinking about it. If you want to see her (which something tells me you do), call her up and say lets hangout. If she says no, move on.

Thinking is probably the unhealthiest thing men can do when it comes to women.

 

[Tenzen]

Anyway i tell her that its probably not good to keep doing this and to get out more n meet new people.

Y would u say that? You weren't together with her So that means you and her could already see and meet other people. All you did was kill the messing around with her relationship.

And supposedly it hurt her a lot cuz we would mess around but werent together

lmao... That was hurting her yet she was allowing it to happen.
Easy situation just move on.... She'll be back, dont reject her this time, if she becomes a FB and thats bothering you because there is no relationship then dont allow it to happen.

 

[Igetit!]

We broke it off and eventually started chillen again and messed around.

Question:You said that "we" broke it off. That's kind of hard to believe. Generally when a relationship ends,either the guy ends it,or the girl does. So which one of you actually brought up the subject of you two breaking up? One of you brought it up,and the other one agreed to it.

Now i find she still has feelings for me and did when we were messin around but werent together.

Well,yeah. Of course she's going to have feelings for you. Sex is emotional for women.

And supposedly it hurt her a lot cuz we would mess around but werent together.

No it didn't. If putting your hand on a hot stove burns/hurts your hand,are you going to keep doing it? If her messing around with you hurt her "a lot" as you say,then why didn't she just stop messing around/hurting herself? Is she an masochist?

She agreed to the meeting new people and said she needed to figure sh*t out before she could talk or see me, cuz it would remind her of the feelings.

Here's my main question:What does she need to "figure out"? There's only two choices:she wants to date you,or she doesn't. If you're single and available,and you're interested in her,and at the same time,she has all these feelings for you,then what's the problem?
To me,this sounds like that other thread where the OP was interested in dating some girl,and the girl told him to wait and ask her a year later.

I mean i kno she has feelins and was hurt when we did stuff and werent together, so i was thinkin wat about sayin id get back together however im hesitant cuz she said she needed to figure sh*t out before talking or seein one another.

I'd be careful with this so-called "I need to figure this out" thing of hers. Don't put your life on hold waiting for her to choose you. Also,don't be surprised if a week or two from now,you see her in a mall or walking down the street holding hands with some other guy. It happens.

I figure id shoot a call her way and tell her "look, figure youre sh*t out, but if you're figurin that ur not willing to get together for something official, itd be best you dont waste yours or my time."

DO NOT DO THIS. You're not going to ultimatum yourself into a relationship with this girl. My advice is simply to move on and date other women. Once she see that you've moved on,not by your words,but by the absence of your phone calls,you being busy with your friends,other women,your job,and other aspects of you life,then she'll feel left out. When shes sees that her "figuring out" has caused her to miss out with you,then she'll feel compeled to make a decision quicker.

To the best of your ability,you should be giving off the impression that you're whole,complete,and lacking nothing in your life. Make her feel that you're so content with yourself,that her being absent from your life has no effect at all,that you could meet another girl,and go right on about your business without giving her a second thought.

 

[Walking Anomaly]

Originally posted by Igetit!
Question:You said that "we" broke it off. That's kind of hard to believe. Generally when a relationship ends,either the guy ends it,or the girl does. So which one of you actually brought up the subject of you two breaking up? One of you brought it up,and the other one agreed to it.

The answer to this is that she brought it up, i agreed. I had been courtin' her all over again as if we never broke off before, to keep things goin, and then she brought it up. I wasnt gonna get mad at her for doin it, so i jus agreed and set about movin on.

Originally posted by Igetit!
No it didn't. If putting your hand on a hot stove burns/hurts your hand,are you going to keep doing it? If her messing around with you hurt her "a lot" as you say,then why didn't she just stop messing around/hurting herself? Is she an masochist?

Thats exactly what i was thinking, which is possibly what she is doing now, stopping the messing around. And I had mentioned the idea of making it an exclusive relationship.

Originally posted by Igetit!
Here's my main question:What does she need to "figure out"? There's only two choices:she wants to date you,or she doesn't. If you're single and available,and you're interested in her,and at the same time,she has all these feelings for you,then what's the problem?
To me,this sounds like that other thread where the OP was interested in dating some girl,and the girl told him to wait and ask her a year later.

Thats my question too, and its why i sought insight here on the forum. I believe she means figure out what she wants to do with herself. Says she needs to figure things out and that we need to "work on being okay without each other." which is ridiculous because im fine without her. She said somethin about "how do i know i want to be with her when i havent been with anyone else," when she knows i have - not as long as with her, but i have been with 2 chicks in the interim.

And whats even funnier is that she said she still wanted to talk and kno how im doin while shes "figuring sh!t out," - that she always thinks about me and just wants me to be happy - yet has made no attempt to contact me lol, or i her. I wanna say, "you want to make me happy? - i mentioned being exclusive again, jus give a straight answer and stop with the drama lol" - Silly game or what??

Thats only what i can imagine she means by figure sh!t out, because of course she didnt get into specifics. That was a week ago, i havent spoken to her since, just been working on myself. At this point im trying to find where stuff went wrong so i can learn from it. Im not one for ONS's.... I tend to attempt going from one LTR to another LTR.

Who knows...WA

 

[Igetit!]

The answer to this is that she brought it up, i agreed. I had been courtin' her all over again as if we never broke off before, to keep things goin, and then she brought it up. I wasnt gonna get mad at her for doin it, so i jus agreed and set about movin on.

Yeah,this is kinda what I thought. Seems like she broke up with you and instead of you moving on,you continued to hang around her. Although you agreed to it,you didn't really want to,did you? The fact that you continued to keep being around her when she wanted to break up suggest that you really didn't the relationship to end.

And I had mentioned the idea of making it an exclusive relationship.

HUGE,HUGE,mistake here man. If I'm mistaken here,then correct me. But from what I understand,she broke up with you,then you mentioned the "exclusive" thing afterwards,right? That's bad dude,real bad. You unintentionally communicated a few negatives.
1:That you have no other options than her.
2:That you're more emotionally invested in her than she is in you.

When ever a woman decides to walk away from a relationship,more than likely,it's because she no longer feelsfire/passion/chemistry for the guy.
Assuming that's the case here,not only does she no longer have chemistry in the relationship,but you continuing to hang around her inflates her ego.
That's a deadly combo in a woman,man.
No attraction+swelled pride because a rejected guy keeps hanging around her=Attention wh0re

You do realize that while she's "figuring things out",she's going to keep on relishing in the attention she gets from you,don't you?

Says she need to figure out things and that we need to "work on being okay without each other." which is ridiculous because im fine without her.

Yeah,this is ridiculous. It's stupid,actually. Just tell me that you don't really believe this. You have to be able to translate what women are actually saying. To me,this is just another way of her saying the break up thing again. If you look at everything she says,it all comes down to the same thing:you and her being APART.

She said somethin about "how do i know i want to be with her when i havent been with anyone else," when she knows i have - not as long as with her, but i have been with 2 chicks in the interim.

There. You see what I'm saying? This "how do you know you want to be with me when you haven't been with anybody else" is ridiculous. It's almost as if she's encouraging you to go be with other women for a while in order to compare you being with them vs. being with her,when she full well knows that you could find another woman and want to be with her.

Again,it's her saying in female talk for you to be away from her. She's telling you to go be with other women because she's not interested.

And whats even funnier is that she said she still wanted to talk and kno how im doin while shes "figuring sh!t out,"

Ah yes,I got my female talk to english book out.....and I'm looking up what "still want to talk to you and kno how you're doin while she's figuring sh1t" means....and it says....says...oh,I got it. It says,"I want to keep you on the side and contine getting attention from you....at least until I meet another guy. Then I'd like us to cut contact with each other".

...that she always thinks about me and just wants me to be happy

Translation:I want you to be happy....with somebody else.

I wanna say, "you want to make me happy? - i mentioned being exclusive again, jus give a straight answer and stop with the drama lol"

You can forget that. Women rarely give straight answers. If it's good news,then they will. But if they think it's something that's going to hurt you,they give signals and hints instead. For example:In grade school,a boy will pass a note to a girl saying "I like you,do you like me? And he'll have yes or no on the letter and tell to put a check by one. Now if she likes him,she'll check yes. But if she doesn't,you know what she'll do? She won't check the "no" answer,she'll just leave the note blank. That's her way of saying no. It's indirect,but in the end,it equals the same thing.

At this point im trying to find where stuff went wrong so i can learn from it.

Well,I don't know the enitre history of your relationship with this girl,but from what you've said so far,one thing I see wrong is you mentioning the exclusive relationship. That was bad,but it was worse that you said it after you two broke up.

To me,the is another case of the SPARE TIRE SYDROME. She's treating you like a spire tire. She doesn't want to use you,she just wants you to be around just in case. You're her backup. The fact that she even thinks she can treat you like this,means that somewhere long ago in the relationship,you slipped up and gave her the impression that she could do this to you. You failed to be a man somewhere bro. Otherwise,she wouldn't even try this with you.

 

[Walking Anomaly]

Thanks a lot man, all i desire now is to make forward progress....

Originally posted by Igetit!
HUGE,HUGE,mistake here man. If I'm mistaken here,then correct me. But from what I understand,she broke up with you,then you mentioned the "exclusive" thing afterwards,right? That's bad dude,real bad. You unintentionally communicated a few negatives.
1:That you have no other options than her.
2:That you're more emotionally invested in her than she is in you.

Well what happened was we were a couple for bout 2 years, broke off and went about my business - that was about 8 months ago or so. She initiated contact again after missing me and slowly we started hanging and messing again. I started courting her bout 2 months ago like nothing had ever happened.

Led to this - her saying she still has feelings but is fighting them, because it hurts that we do stuff but arent together (to which i ask myself, if i suggest getting back together, wouldnt it stop the hurt lol - even as i type this sounds ridiculous lol). Said she isnt emotionally equipped for friends w/ benefits were her words i believe.

Also, we broke off in the first place because i was the exact opposite of 2 above. She was more invested - its what drove her away. Im busy with my life as a studying medical student. And is it so much that i showed i have no other options, not that i would rather have her?

Originally posted by Igetit!
When ever a woman decides to walk away from a relationship,more than likely,it's because she no longer feelsfire/passion/chemistry for the guy.
Assuming that's the case here,not only does she no longer have chemistry in the relationship,but you continuing to hang around her inflates her ego.
That's a deadly combo in a woman,man.
No attraction+swelled pride because a rejected guy keeps hanging around her=Attention wh0re

You do realize that while she's "figuring things out",she's going to keep on relishing in the attention she gets from you,don't you?

Well she would relish in it if i were giving it to her...but im not anymore. It simply confuses me because i know youre probably right about losing passion/fire, but not more than 2 weeks ago we were hittin the sheets and she tells me i still know how to turn her on and she was even telling me to be rougher with her - which i abliged lol. AW? Maybe she felt i was using her for the sex...

Key thing here is that im learning...

 

[Igetit!]

Thanks a lot man, all i desire now is to make forward progress....

Led to this - her saying she still has feelings but is fighting them, because it hurts that we do stuff but arent together (to which i ask myself, if i suggest getting back together, wouldnt it stop the hurt lol - even as i type this sounds ridiculous lol). Said she isnt emotionally equipped for friends w/ benefits were her words i believe.

Hmmm. So she has feelings for you,but she's "fighting" them,she doesn't want to be friends with benefits,and at the same time she doesn't want to be in a relationship/bf-gf. O....k. Well,is there anything left for you two to become? It seems like every possible romantic option,she's cut off. Unless whatever this "no name" thing you two seem to have right now is what you want. If I were you,instead of just sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting on her to give me the green light,I'd make some decisions of my own instead of allowing her to decide what's going to happen with my dating/social life. If she wants to stay in this maybe/might/I don't know land concerning dating,then fine. But she'd be there alone.

And is it so much that i showed i have no other options, not that i would rather have her?

Nothing wrong with this. If she's the one you want,then she's the one you want. Just know that a relationship is 2 YESES. Two yeses. Not a yes and a no. Not a yes and a "maybe". Not a yes and a "I don't know",or a yes and a "I have to think about it first". Two yeses. And at the moment,you're a yes,while she's a....well,I don't know what she is. I guess she's a "I'm figuring things out". Whatever she is,as long as you don't have two yeses,it's over with.

You're a grown man,and you have your own life. So if you want to spend it waiting on her until she makes up her mind,go for it man. Just don't be surprised if after waiting six months,you find out that she's been dating someone else for the last 5 months.

This kind of thing does happen.....a lot.

Key thing here is that im learning...

Agreed. Me too man.

 

[Walking Anomaly]

Originally posted by Igetit!
Hmmm. So she has feelings for you,but she's "fighting" them,she doesn't want to be friends with benefits,and at the same time she doesn't want to be in a relationship/bf-gf. O....k. Well,is there anything left for you two to become? It seems like every possible romantic option,she's cut off. Unless whatever this "no name" thing you two seem to have right now is what you want. If I were you,instead of just sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting on her to give me the green light,I'd make some decisions of my own instead of allowing her to decide what's going to happen with my dating/social life. If she wants to stay in this maybe/might/I don't know land concerning dating,then fine. But she'd be there alone.

LOL i know, this is whats confusing me and its why i was suggesting the ultimatum as you called it, becuase i dont want her deciding my dating/social life - that i know what i want and if its not what you want tell me and im gone...And no this current situation is not what i want. Id like a definitive answer, whether yes or no is not so much the issue - some closure though would be nice.

I had made it clear to her that i am okay without her - ive seen 2 girls and been with them sexually in between her as stated above. However she says that shes getting mixed feelings because shes "stuck" (i believe meaning she has no other options) - maybe thats what she wants to do, try n get other options.

She told her friend (who told me) that she needed to do this because she still has feelings for me and everytime we talked/messed around but werent together it hurt. I can only extend that to shes fighting the feelings because she was hurt too much the first break-up where i wasnt emotionally involved enough (which im also showing now because im not talking to/chasing her).

Her thoughts are looking more incoherent as i type lol - cant look at everything literally...

As stated above she said she wasnt emotionally equipped for friends with benefits. I told her i do not want friends with benefits either, and that i know what i do want and am going for it - but i didnt tell her what that is that i DO want.

She said seeing me is too hard for her (if she saw me she'd most likely give me what i want) and that if it was her that i was going after, i "have to think before i do it and really think it through." and that she "couldnt handle it" if i had told her were getting back together right now.

Originally posted by Igetit!
You're a grown man,and you have your own life. So if you want to spend it waiting on her until she makes up her mind,go for it man. Just don't be surprised if after waiting six months,you find out that she's been dating someone else for the last 5 months.

Thats why at the moment ive not talked to her in over a week - using this time to legit think it through and consider my options - a big factor is whether or not ill have to go away for med school (ill be away months at a time).

And what kind of decisions do you mean?

 

[Igetit!]

And what kind of decisions do you mean?

I mean decisions about your dating life. Right now,it seems like you're single/alone not by your choice,but by hers. I can understand her making decisions that keep her single,but she's doing it for you too....against your will. Why you'd allow some girl whose all confused in her head to have this kind of power over your life,I don't know. Sounds like oneitis to me man. I DO hope I'm wrong. Just like that other thread where the OP was told by a girl to come back and ask her out in a year,this girl's telling you to wait until she done "figuring out things",then she'll get back to you,like she's putting you on hold.

You know the kind of feelings that a man and a woman get for each other when they first start dating? You feel wonderful,you feel like you're on top of the world,like you just won a million bucks.

If someone came to you and told you that you just won a million dollars,and explained everything to you,and everything's legit,would you tell them that you need some time to "figure things out" and that you need some time before deciding whether to accept it or not? You know this girl,and she knows you. You're being straight up honest with her,she knows how you feel about her,she says she has feeling for you,you don't won't to use her for sex,you want an relationship with her. In other words,everything's legit. You're not playing some game or trying to deceive her or anything like that.

So she has you (the million dollars) at her doorstep,waiting to be received,and what does she say? "Uh....I don't know. I'm confused. I need to work some things out in my head first". Oh puh-lease.

This foolishness is going to go on for as long as you allow it to go on. You keep waiting for her to make a decision,but what you don't realize is that she's already made one. She got out of the relationship. She broke up with you. She told you in essence to go be with other girls.

Dude,I'd been looooong gone. You don't want me? Fine,I don't want you.

Right now,she's in the power position....which is bad. My guess is that she's going to keep things exactly the way they are. She's going to continue getting her ego fed from you,while seeking for other guys on the side. Then one day,she's going to tell you about this new guy she's been seeing,and you're going to feel hurt and betrayed....but it'll be YOUR FAULT because she's done told you over and over again to move on,to see other girls.

But like I said before,it's your life,your decision.

 

[Walking Anomaly]

Originally posted by Igetit!
I mean decisions about your dating life. Right now,it seems like you're single/alone not by your choice,but by hers. I can understand her making decisions that keep her single,but she's doing it for you too....against your will. Why you'd allow some girl whose all confused in her head to have this kind of power over your life,I don't know. Sounds like oneitis to me man. I DO hope I'm wrong. Just like that other thread where the OP was told by a girl to come back and ask her out in a year,this girl's telling you to wait until she done "figuring out things",then she'll get back to you,like she's putting you on hold.

Well screw that lol, im not gonna be put on hold by a chick. Thats why i want to straight up tell her im not waiting around for her to figure sh!t out lol. I guess the better way to say that would be to say nothing at all and just get on living - but i want the last word lol...

Originally posted by Igetit!
If someone came to you and told you that you just won a million dollars,and explained everything to you,and everything's legit,would you tell them that you need some time to "figure things out" and that you need some time before deciding whether to accept it or not? You know this girl,and she knows you. You're being straight up honest with her,she knows how you feel about her,she says she has feeling for you,you don't won't to use her for sex,you want an relationship with her. In other words,everything's legit. You're not playing some game or trying to deceive her or anything like that.

Well like i said i didnt fully tell her anything about how i feel - just that i know what i want and am going for it and dont want friends with benefits - i NEVER told her i wanted a relationship again - because honestly if she acts like this i DONT want one with her. I never suggested the becoming exclusive again out loud with her, as far as she knows im gone already and moved on which i could be even moreso, but before going forward with my other relations, id like to know that this one is truly over.

And i think my actions show i wont allow it to go on any longer - hence ive moved on and cut her off.

 

[Walking Anomaly]

bump

 

[Walking Anomaly]

basically im looking for a way to get back on top power-wise. If that means moving on, so be it.

 

[Igetit!]

basically im looking for a way to get back on top power-wise. If that means moving on, so be it.

Well basically,you just need to do the opposite of what you've been doing. She just needs to see that you have a life. That you're happy,healthy,and totally content. That her presense or absence in your like wouldn't add anything to you,or take anything away from you. Almost as if she doesn't even exist....and this may mean moving on. Man I hate saying this,but it seems appropriate in this situation. First of all,do the no contact thing for a while. How long? Well,it'd be ideal if you did it until she contacts you first. Now let's say you do the no contact thing,and two weeks later,she calls you on the phone. Well first of all,you need to realize why it is that she called you. Don't be deceived. Don't think it's because she wants to get into a relatuionship with you again,because it's not. It's simply because she misses you. At this point,you need to be careful,because if she does call you,you CANNOT go back to acting and behaving exactly the way you were when you two were still dating/still seeing each other while it was not official.

If you go right back to your original behavior,then she'll go right back to this "figuring out" crap again.

If she does call you,the first thing I'd say would be,"Who is this?",even if you know it's her. You want her to get the impression that you've gone on with your life,NOT that you've been sitting around waiting for her to make up her mind. Make sure you sound upbeat. You been having a good time enjoying your life. She need to see that you can be and are happy without her.

If she brings up this "figuring out" thing of hers again,say something like,"Oh...that,oh don't worry about,it's cool". You want her to think that you no longer care about it. Once she thinks this,she'll immediately lose ALL power. You know why? Because she can't have any power unless she has something that you want,and you giving off the impression that you no longer care about her still figuring out things is like someone playing tennis by themselves. She can hit the ball over the net,but unless there's someone on the other side to hit is back,it's useless. Put your racket down man.

Now,after you tell her not to worry about the "figuring out" thing,tell her you have to go,and ask her if you can call her back. I think you know the rest. Don't call her back.

If a day or two later she calls you again,wash-rinse-and repeat. Start off by asking who it is. Now,if she asks about the two of you possibly meeting up for a date or something,DON'T AGREE TO IT! Reluctantly agree.

I'd be like,"Well....I'll tell you what. I do have (whatever day) off after (whatever time). I was supposed to be going to (wherever),but I'm only going to be there for like an hour or two. You can come with me,but I'm not going to be there all day/night".

I know these are a lot of assumptions,but if you pull off the no contact thing from the beginning,and she does contact you,this is how things should play out.

The main thing you need to keep in mind is that is was your old behavior that caused this thing in the first place with her. You CANNOT go back to behaving the way you were. If you do,then it's "figuring out" city again.

Just be a man. Be strong,confident,dominant,not afraid that you might hurt her feelings,willing to walk away if you don't get what you want in the relationship. You see that last one? Willing to walk if you don't get what you want in a relationship? If you'll notice,that's exactly what this girl did. She wasn't happy in the relationship,so she left. If she has this willingness,then you should too.

 

[Walking Anomaly]

thanks bud..

Im already on my way to doing that - shouldnt be too hard because i do have a life lol, dont ask what made the afc relapse occur lol. Guess id been outta the game a while...

And in terms of going on Instant Messenger or something like facebook which i have, im not going to avoid doing them , just going to pay her no mind if shes on at the same time, correct?


~WA

 

[Igetit!]

thanks bud..

Im already on my way to doing that - shouldnt be too hard because i do have a life lol, dont ask what made the afc relapse occur lol. Guess id been outta the game a while...

It happens man. I believe everybody has a little afc in them from time to time. The good thing is that you know it. Since you're aware of it,you can work to overcome it.

And in terms of going on Instant Messenger or something like facebook which i have, im not going to avoid doing them , just going to pay her no mind if shes on at the same time, correct?
~WA

Yes. In fact,the best thing to do would be to just move on. Trust me,she'll notice your absence. She'll notice you not being there. Then,she'll start to wonder,"Ok,what's going on here? I thought I put him on hold,but he doesn't seem to be sitting around waiting for me". When she notices that you don't care,then she'll get off this "figuring out" thing because she'll see that she's all by herself/alone "figuring things out", while you've gone on with you life,friends,dating other girls,etc.

So yeah,if she's on the computer at the same time as you,ignore her,and gone about your business.

Another thing:Fill up your mind with other things. Date other girls. Who knows,you may fine someone you like better than her. Don't sit around the house saying to yourself,"Ok,I'm not going to call her",and "I'm going to ignore her". Don't do that. You know why? Because by you doing this,SHE'S STILL ON YOUR MIND! Just life you live as if you'd never even met her. Then should she call you,it'll almost be like a total surprise.

Don't worry man. One way or the other,you GOT this.