Advice please

[pettman]

Hi everyone, ive only posted on here a few times a while ago when i was with a real nasty ex, anyway she is long gone now.

Onto my next victim, been together now as a couple since 2 weeks before xmas, things are/were going great. But i think since reading the book of Pook and other various threads on here ive realized a few things.

1)Think ive developed oneitus
2)Think i act way too needy
3)Need to not let her walk over me

We had an argument day before last in which she got really mad and didnt want to talk to me etc etc, last night i went round to her place, had dinner as planned and she said she didnt want to have another argument about it, but isnt going to forget it, but cant act like everything is normal. So i said to her look you got to make up your mind, either we talk about it or not. So we brushed over it, I told her i didnt agree with what she thought, but what she thought has changed the way i look at certain things, such as:

I DO NOT need her
I DO NOT need to see her as much as i can

So after this we watched a film and went to bed, I just turned over and went to sleep, as she made it clear she didnt want any attention.

Onto this morning, well woke up and then all of a sudden, over comes this arm giving me a cuddle, so im thinking i blanked her in the night and she now wants me?! Anyway she then asks what i think about it all, and i said basically we do just need to forget it and move on, then she tells me she respects me lots for not trying to give her affection in the night, then i told her im not going to see her as much during the week and she said everything is fine just will take time before she is ok.

Now im no expert, but im guessing I should now just be more assertive and confident?

Also how to be less needy? Or does that come with being more assertive and confident?

Or have i got this all wrong?

 

[Thomas94305]

It sounds like you really want others to like you..

Set aside the DJ stuff for a moment. You're dating this gal, so you're not in the stage of gaming several women. One itus applies more to situations where someone likes a single gal, but she's not returning that affection.

Figure out how you want a relationship to go, perhaps even write it down. You're first ideas will change over time, but give it a shot. Do you want someone to go out with most weekends? Are you looking for someone who encourages? Are you wanting a great friend and a lover.. and define what friend and lover mean to you? Do you just want sex? Etc.

If someone argued with me, then didn't want to talk about it.. if it bothered me, the next time that person approached me, I'd say I need to talk about that before we continue. I wouldn't apologize for feeling that way.

As for the cuddle thing.. talk with her about it. How do you want physical affection to go? She shouldn't choose that all by herself, neither should you. Neither has the right to force the other..

 

[pettman]

i guess i want a good friend and a lover, just want it to be easy. like for example i want to get her to chase me and wonder etc etc

i mean after the events of yesterday i wasnt expecting to hear from her at all, as she normally calls me at lunch, but i was shocked to find that she did call me and had a bit of a chat and then she went.

consequently i went out last night to see a mates band and i resisted all temptation to text or call her and have not since. so im going to not contact her and act and be all busy, she is supposed to be coming over tonight to stay.

I think i have the upper hand and just need to not worry and be needy, dont you think?

 

[dynamicallyidle]

I think you have the right idea, but your motives are coming from the wrong place. In time, you will find that you cannot keep up an "act." All these characters of not being needy or available should be a natural result of your life - not some sort of effort you try your hardest to put on.

Also, when you are acting, like you mostly are, be very careful not to go to the other extreme and act TOO disinterested. This is a killer for newbies.

 

[pettman]

so the best thing for me to do now is?

i mean she also just sent me an email this morning!!!

 

[dynamicallyidle]

so the best thing for me to do now is?

i mean she also just sent me an email this morning!!!

All the tips you need:

1) Don't try to get her approval by blindly agreeing with her, but DO try to show that you guys have a connection.

2) KNOW in your heart that this girl is NOT some kind of princess, and don't treat her like such.

3) every once in a while, do something slightly jerklike, not outright jerklike, just to SUBTLY hint to her that you don't think she's a queen. key word: SUBTLY. don't be an outright *******, or it will backfire.

4) do not constantly ask her "what do you want to do?" maybe ONCE in a while, like once a week tops. you can ask her for input, but you should be able to GENTLY lead her most of the time.

Now, if we tell you to do too many things, then you're going to be too restricted to be yourself. So just follow those guidelines my friend, and you should be alright. Good luck.