Advice please - drastically need help to turn around my miserable social life

[drewsg]

For a long time I've struggled with being happy, even being borderline depressed at time. Not being content with anything I had, I was always down and hard on myself because I just hated myself and the life I was living. Fortunately, I've begun to snap out of that depressed state. I'm starting to workout more which in turn is building up my self confidence and really starting to make me like what I see in the mirror. But the main problem is that I don't have any guy friends because I have no freaking idea how to socialize or talk to anyone. I work in retail, so when I'm at work I'm trying super hard to work on these skills by smiling more often and trying to talk with customers (even though it's a struggle).

So one my old classmates from middle school and high school invited me to a small mixtape release party here in Miami, I really want use this chance to help get me in socializing mode to start building my social circle. I just don't know how.. last time I got invited somewhere I just kind of stayed by myself because I didn't have an idea on what to do in those kinds of situations. My concern isn't picking up women (I'm currently spinning two plates) I just want to socialize and make friends.

I really don't want to sit in my room another friday or saturday because I have nowhere to go. Any help is muchly appreciated.

 

[women haze]

Hey man..Wish you lived in MD. I know how you feel bro....Sometimes although you have much to give, you can't really indentify with people and in turn it makes you lonely....

Hit up more social events...Try Wine tasing, Martial Arts, Art exhibits, concerts, Bars....Get out there and expand your horizons....

 

[Bible_Belt]

Friendship is based a lot more on shared experience than anything else.

 

[SandHawk]

Pick up a copy of the book "How to win friends and influence people". I started reading that book after Desdinova mentioned it, and it is actually quite a great book. It goes into detail about how and when people think you're a great conversationalist and how to use your position to influence people without resulting to blatant manipulation.

It's also a lot of practice, but with enough of that, you'll turn into a conversationalist everyone loves talking to.

 

[FairShake]

Don't try to be funny. Don't try to be interesting.

Instead laugh and act interested. That little piece of advice, which I crafted on my own, sums up what I found out to be the secret to being liked.

Now, in terms of making friends you just need to take it one step further. Act interested in going out with people and invite people out until they want to come along with you. The more time you spend with them the more you will have in common and you will become friends with the ones who interest you and are interested in you.

IF you are a cool person who isn't weird or annoying AND you make the effort to be friends with people then anyone who doesn't like you has the problem, not you. Sounds like you are suffering from low self-esteem so remember that little bit of advice.

 

[BananaSmile]

sometimes you need to take a step (i talk to randoms at the library but that hasnt worked well yet but it will)
classes and hobbies are the best , half of my friends are from that (assuming i dont have a lot of friends)
and the other half is from school

you can also have family friends or family you hang out with
if you like video games go to computer cafes and lan with randoms (i actually made a friend from that yeeE )

you just need to get yourself out there more, dont be a scientist and try to make a model on how to make friends

TRIAL AND ERRROR

 

[ENIGMA16]

Hey dude, what you're going through is pretty damn common so don't feel bad about it. A ton of people have social anxiety around people they don't know, especially large groups of strangers. Most of the time people have friends that they meet through their current friends and so they hardly ever venture outside of their social comfort zone. You just got the short end of the stick in that you weren't dealt a good group of friends growing up. That's chance.

In order to change your habits you're going to have to first be willing to step out of your comfort zone and second practice what I call conversation threading. Basically what that means is that once you start getting into a conversation you're going to pick topics from their responses to determine where you can take the thread. Basically, you can start by asking any single question, boring or not. They'll respond and you just pick some topics out of their response and ask them about that. You can also pick some topics out and respond with your own experiences.

Example:

You - What'd you do last weekend?
Them - I went fishing up north at this cottage my parents own.
[You can then pick any of these topics to respond to - fishing, the cottage, where "up north" is.]
You - Awesome! I love fishing; I go pretty regularly at Lake Smith with my dad and some friends. Where's your parents' cottage at?
Them - Oh it's up by Lake John, it's right on the lake, it's pretty cool. We go up every once in a while and party all night and just fish and sleep all day.
[Then you can respond to: Lake John, the cottage, partying, fishing/sleeping. You could throw a story in about yourself, too.]
You - No way! Me and my friends used to go camping about 20 minutes from there and party. Haha one time my friend was completely wasted and turned around and thought this bush was a bear and blah blah blah. That's a pretty damn nice lake, dude. Sounds like a good time, too.

That's how normal conversation goes. People do that without even thinking about it, although not really to that extent. The point is to keep the conversation flowing and to keep it balanced between listening and talking. Don't talk too much about yourself because nobody's as interested in you are as you, they'll get bored and think you're full of yourself. Don't ask them too many questions because they'll feel like they're being interrogated and get weirded out.

Someone posted this RSD article on here a couple days ago that you might find interesting. It's mostly about coming up with stuff about yourself to say but it's based on this same concept.

If you practice this enough in conversation you'll get so good at it that you won't even notice you're doing it anymore because it will just become normal.

Just remember that whoever you meet has been alive for decades so they have years and years worth of stories to tell. You just have to ask!