Advice on this relationship

[CoolRunning]

I heard you the first time Rollo. Jesus, I was at work all day.

She doesn't have any kids. Whyever would you get that impression? Her face is not that hot, but she's an athlete and has a very good body. I'm not even sure why you asked that question if not to just attempt to demean me. You probably won't believe my reply ("NICE ONE COOL. I AM SURE SHE HAS LIKE 7") but I don't really care, I guess.

At the party, all of the girls knew each other, but none of the guys did. None of the guys were talking to anyone except the girl they came with. Myself, I talked to everyone, and got the group interacting and having fun.

You are right, I hadn't even considered the fact that she might be using me for sex. I still don't get that vibe from our relationship, because of the whole introducing me to her friends thing, and the fact that she seems to always be the initiator of more relationship-type activities and things, but it's a possibility I hadn't considered and I can admit that. I'm fine with being used in such a way, lol

I'm not a virgin any more, btw, if that hasn't been made clear yet. I was when I registered on this site, so my sig is out of date (I have fixed it). I lost it back in June or so. If I go back and read my first posts on this site, I come across as a sniveling social retard...and it's clear to myself just how far I've managed to come in a short time. It may not be clear to you guys, but I really don't care, as long as you don't needlessly prejudge me when I ask advice.

It is also clear to me how far I have to go - witness my original questions in this thread, for example. But that should go without saying.

You know, they say at some other PUA boards (e.g. fastseduction.com) that sosuave is needlessly negative and unsupportive. That guys are often more out to take down others than offer constructive advice. I'm starting to agree. What do you think?

 

[Phyzzle]

I hear on fastseduction.com, or the Mystery boards, they automatically ban you if you ask about a specific woman. On Sosuave, you can discuss a relationship.

That means there's more whining about how do I get my (bipolar meth addict with 3 kids from seven different fathers) ex back? That means people get jaded about all the low quality relationships. On other boards, there wouldn't even be a reply.

There's just such a broad subject area here. We come to vent about the demise of the American woman, and the demise of the American man's standards. So yeah, there's going to be more bitterness, because at PUA boards, they talk about Pickup and how to be good at Pickup.

 

[CoolRunning]

Phyzzle, that's not true. On fastseduction.com there is a board specifically for relationships - asking about "that girl".

It's not whining or bitterness that gets to me. There's that everywhere. It's that I came in here asking a specific question, and ended up being picked at... that hasn't happened on other boards.

I know, I should just leave if it sucks. But a few of you do give thoughtful advice, and that's valuable. I just thought I'd point out a criticism that others have made, and which I am finding to be true. Maybe those it applies to will recognize themselves and try to make this board a better environment for DJ's of all levels

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Sorry COOL, didn't meant to run you up the flag pole, but your story has all the trappings of 'single mommy' ONEitis. I appologize.

It was an easy mistake considering how common your situation is, particularly on this forum. A 27 y.o. former virgin obsessing over his 'first' is almost a cliché now. Not that I believe you're obsessing here, but you fit a profile.

Now then, if you're just coming into your own (sexually speaking) my advice would be to do exactly wht you stated in the end of your post. Spin more plates. If she's 29 and maybe an HB6.5(?) her priorities in life are already shifting. By age 27-29 most women tend to think long term and start looking for the security provisioning from the Nice Guy/Good Dad and move away from the Bad Boy/Good Genes guys they had their fun with in their mid 20's. Now, I can't know for certain if she sees you as the Nice Guy - the fact that you're making her come to you would say otherwise - but if she knows she's your first lay at 27 this presents a perception that you are on the 'Nice' side of the spectrum. This is very appealing to a woman who's had her fun in her 'party years' (20-27) because it implies a kind of unassuming naiveté about a guy who'd make a good provider. In other words, she sees an opportunity to have her cake and eat it too since, as a late virgin, you wouldn't know any better. I'm not saying this is the actual case with you personally, but this is probably her motive at her age.

I think this is the case that you're running into here. Her attempts to make you "familial" with her friends are an effort to pin you down to something long term. This is actually a form of social proof, but it also serves as an accountability element. If she can make you feel accountable for what she's built you up to be with her friends or family, half of her work is done in getting you to commit to something long term. This is a common feminine social contrivance for the the woman who subscribes to "fixing" her guy to fit her idealizations. In essence her hope is to shame you into living up to her expectations by making you accountable to friends.

 

[CoolRunning]

Ok, thanks Rollo. That was helpful. She doesn't know I was a virgin, in fact, I have just plain lied and given her the impression that I'm very experienced. I still remember my first time...lying there not feeling a ****ing thing (condom) while she rode herself until she was sweating like a pig and screaming like a banshee. It's gotten a lot better for me since then, and absolutely no complaints from her

Anyway, your post makes perfect sense, and indeed I do want to spin more plates.

 

[CoolRunning]

There are some new developments I wanted to ask about.

She came to hang out at my place for a "movie night" with my friends a two weeks ago.

I went to her birthday party last weekend and met all her friends, her brother, etc.

Then, I get this text on Thursday:

- - -
hey Are you busy tonight? I kinda wanted to talk about something. No emergency It can wait until Saturday if you're busy
- - -

My blood ran cold - we've been using a condom (w/ spermicide lube) and never had an accident except once 3 weeks ago. At that time, I told her we'd have to be safe and get protection the next morning, and she told me she was on the pill. I was like "you're on the pill?" I think her words were "silly! of course! why do you think I'm not freaking out right now?" Seemed like the right reaction, so I didn't press it.

Anyway, I call her up after I get off work, and ask what's up. She seemed happy and normal, and when I asked her what she wanted to talk about, she said she'd prefer to talk in person. Then she said "don't worry, it's not an emergency, I'm not pregnant or anything".

I was gonna go ahead and trust her that she's not pregnant. So I thought this would probably going to be ... the talk. The first time in 4 months she has brought up a relationship. Previously content to just screw the living daylights out of me, I believed she will now press for commitment.

Fast forward to Saturday.

So she comes over. We grab a quick lunch - the vibe between us is the same as it ever was.

After returning from lunch, I take a seat on the couch. She sits next to me and wastes no time.

HB: So, I wanted to talk.
Me: Yeah.
HB: We haven't really talked about us.
Me: No, we haven't.
...
Me: What did you want to talk about?
HB: Well, are you happy with us?
Me: I get a warm feeling every time I'm with you, HB. I really enjoy your company, and we have a lot of fun, but I don't, uh, I'm not ready for anything heavy.
HB: I don't want anything heavy either. Are you seeing other people?
Me: Yes, HB, I am. I'm dating. And I think I've been up front about that.
HB: Is there something I'm not providing you? (looking a bit sad, but not getting a cry look)
Me: Well, last year I got out of something heavy. And after that, I'm not sure what I want anymore. I need time to find out where I'm going. I don't feel like I know what would make a good long term partner. Do you need a long term partner?
HB: No...do you want to keep seeing me?
Me: Yes. We have good times together. (hold her tight)

...

Me: Do you want to keep seeing me?
HB: (giggle) I don't want to give up on you yet.

...

we have sex

...

Me: HB, do you feel okay with where we are?
HB: Sigh, yes (smile). Do you?
Me: Yes. I really like this feeling of closeness (after-sex cuddling)
HB: Me too.

...

That was it guys. Granted I made up the stuff about being in a heavy relationship, but I was truthful and up front about seeing other women.

Any comments? About ANYTHING? Would love your analysis.

 

[warpy]

sounds like she wants more from you, i guess you'll hear about it soon enough.