Advice on relationship. how to win this situation! Pros please!

[bluefire7321]

i would like to start off by saying that me and my ex and her mom have all been friends for about 3 years. her mom loves me although we have been dating for almost a year, and towards the end of the relationship i started to feel as if i had messed up alot in this relationship.

She told me the things she wanted, and for some reason i was selfish and felt dominant and never followed through with her wishes. These things consisted of snuggling, holding hands in public, and things that really cute relationships consist of. I took her for granted, and also at times i told her that we needed to end things and whatnot. Although we usually managed to push past that and never officially broke up.

i just turned 21 and she is 18. We live about 40 minutes from eachther, and usually she would drive to my place since i have the house to myself. We also have a dog together. so around the last month of us dating things got sticky, and i was telling her not to hangout with some of her friends because they were bad influences or whatnot. Another mistake i made was when we went to this concert together in which was a concert she really wanted to go to that consisted of country music (not to mention i do not like country although i still went with her and her friends). I made myself look horrible and treated her like crap due to the fact that i had gotten drunk. I ended up taking her to the concert and not leaving with her, but she left with her friends and i believe they didnt want me to see her, and that they would shelter her in which i think they are doing right now.

i contacted her best friend a couple days after letting her know that i realized how i was being with her and to let her know that i recognized that i was being someone i wasnt and i was not happy. I also told her best friend that it needed to stop, and the break up thing was a good decision so that i didnt look desperate, i believe. The friend was being pretty cold and treated me as if i offended her and told me that she was glad i realized all of what i was telling her, but i couldnt treat people like that is what she last said.

Alrighty so here the run down of the breakup. I called my ex the night after we broke up, and she kept telling me that she was unhappy, and she wanted to be happy, and that she wanted to just be with her friends. For a very short period of time i gave in and asked if there was a way to fix the problem, and if there was anything we could workout. she responded saying she was just unhappy and she didnt want to be upset anymore.

Another note to mention is that i work with her mom at the same gymnastics gym where she practices, although my ex does not practice while im there, therefore it is just me and her mom.

So anyways i think what really killed it for me was a phone convo we had where i told her i was never going to be into country music or lifestyle, and she needed to get over the "redneck" phase because that wasnt who she really was. it seemed as if she wanted to be more country more than anything due to the fact that i was going against it. i told her i wouldnt ever go to the concerts or listen to the music when i was really mad one day... although not meaning what i said. She told me about 2 weeks ago when we were together that the whole time we were friends that she always wanted to be with me and wondered why i never got back with her after we tried going out 3 years ago. she told me she knew she had to date me from the first time she saw me. Now i am stuck in this situation.

i believe her friends are against me and i have seen her in person and talked to her for about 3 days. when i saw her and had spoken to her it just about normal conversations not mentioning the relationship. she was with her friend whom seems as if she is against me, and my ex seemed to show little interest therefore i let her be. we have not talked AT ALL for 5 days. all ive heard from the gym (my work, where her friends also converse with her) is that she told some people we werent together and that i was somewhat controlling, even though i never felt that i was.

is it possible for me to get back with her? I am going to atlanta this weekend separately although my ex will be there for competition and this is where we first started to like each other, and became valentines. i think i will hold off talking to her untill maybe then... or i could talk to her mom and see what she thinks.... someone please give me some advice or tactics. anyone been here before? i want her back. we ended on a bad note. so now what?

 

[ATP]

No one is going to read that in that format m8.

 

[TheCzar]

Learn to use paragraphs....

* You need to go NC and get your sh!t together.
* you don't talk to the mom about it, big AFC move
* you learn better grammar, punctuation and paragraph usage

TC

 

[bluefire7321]

i would like to start off by saying that me and my ex and her mom have all been friends for about 3 years and her mom loves me although we have been dating for almost a year, and towards the end of the relationship i started to feel as if i had messed up alot in this relationship.

She told me the things she wanted, and for some reason i was selfish and felt dominant and never followed through with her wishes. These things consisted of snuggling, holding hands in public, and things that really cute relationships consist of. I took her for granted, and also at times i told her that we needed to end things and whatnot. Although we usually managed to push past that and never officially broke up.

i just turned 21 and she is 18. We live about 40 minutes from eachther, and usually she would drive to my place since i have the house to myself. We also have a dog together. so around the last month of us dating things got sticky, and i was telling her not to hangout with some of her friends because they were bad influences or whatnot. Another mistake i made was when we went to this concert together in which was a concert she really wanted to go to that consisted of country music (not to mention i do not like country although i still went with her and her friends). I made myself look horrible and treated her like crap due to the fact that i had gotten drunk. I ended up taking her to the concert and not leaving with her, but she left with her friends and i believe they didnt want me to see her, and that they would shelter her in which i think they are doing right now.

i contacted her best friend a couple days after letting her know that i realized how i was being with her and to let her know that i recognized that i was being someone i wasnt and i was not happy. I also told her best friend that it needed to stop, and the break up thing was a good decision so that i didnt look desperate, i believe. The friend was being pretty cold and treated me as if i offended her and told me that she was glad i realized all of what i was telling her, but i couldnt treat people like that is what she last said.

Alrighty so here the run down of the breakup. I called my ex the night after we broke up, and she kept telling me that she was unhappy, and she wanted to be happy, and that she wanted to just be with her friends. For a very short period of time i gave in and asked if there was a way to fix the problem, and if there was anything we could workout. she responded saying she was just unhappy and she didnt want to be upset anymore.

Another note to mention is that i work with her mom at the same gymnastics gym where she practices, although my ex does not practice while im there, therefore it is just me and her mom.

So anyways i think what really killed it for me was a phone convo we had where i told her i was never going to be into country music or lifestyle, and she needed to get over the "redneck" phase because that wasnt who she really was. it seemed as if she wanted to be more country more than anything due to the fact that i was going against it. i told her i wouldnt ever go to the concerts or listen to the music when i was really mad one day... although not meaning what i said. She told me about 2 weeks ago when we were together that the whole time we were friends that she always wanted to be with me and wondered why i never got back with her after we tried going out 3 years ago. she told me she knew she had to date me from the first time she saw me. Now i am stuck in this situation.

i believe her friends are against me and i have seen her in person and talked to her for about 3 days. when i saw her and had spoken to her it just about normal conversations not mentioning the relationship. she was with her friend whom seems as if she is against me, and my ex seemed to show little interest therefore i let her be. we have not talked AT ALL for 5 days. all ive heard from the gym (my work, where her friends also converse with her) is that she told some people we werent together and that i was somewhat controlling, even though i never felt that i was.

is it possible for me to get back with her? I am going to atlanta this weekend separately although my ex will be there for competition and this is where we first started to like each other, and became valentines. i think i will hold off talking to her untill maybe then... or i could talk to her mom and see what she thinks.... someone please give me some advice or tactics. anyone been here before? i want her back. we ended on a bad note. so now what?

 

[Iceberg]

is it possible for me to get back with her? I am going to atlanta this weekend separately although my ex will be there for competition and this is where we first started to like each other, and became valentines. i think i will hold off talking to her untill maybe then... or i could talk to her mom and see what she thinks.... someone please give me some advice or tactics. anyone been here before? i want her back. we ended on a bad note. so now what?

Doesn't sound like she's interested. She's 18...she wants to do her own things with her friends. I'm sure when I was 21, I freaked out over girls the way you are right now. But...christ...what do you logically think was supposed to happen? You two were gonna be together forever?

Calling her friends won't help you.
Calling her mom won't help you.
In fact, that stuff just sounds creepy. I don't care how long a girl has been friends with my mom....you call my mom for relationship advice about ME, and you're getting a restraining order.

So, long story short, it hurts right now...but learn to get over it. She's a teenager.

 

[bluefire7321]

thanks iceberg that makes sense. i havent called anyone for advice on the relationship. i let her mom know that i wasnt trying to hurt her but give her space, and i appologized to her friend for the way i treated her while i was going out with my ex and told her that i am moving on. i think what im really trying to say is,...... how do i re attract her back? should i just continue to ignore her? or should i talk to her in atlanta and make it seem as if we were on the same page, and wanted to see how she was feeling. By the time i talk to her i would not have seen her in over 10 days. no communication. so now what do you think???

 

[Kailex]

I think it's time to move on, you basically said you didn't like things about her, that she likes.

Do you think that by getting together again, she's automatically going to drop them for you?

She's 18, and you're 21... you two still have a long way to go.
Are you in College? Why are you worrying so much?

She sounds like she just wants to hang out with her friends.
You sound like she's not the type of relationship material you want (See: Not wanting to do the cute relationship type).

So why would you want to get back with her? Because you are used to having her around? You're a young guy, stop hanging around the mom and asking her stuff, stop apologizing to her friends... trust me, neither of them care and trust me, they will report this stuff to your ex and probably add a few fabrications to their stories.


Move on.

 

[DavenJuan]

Originally posted by bluefire7321
how do i re attract her back? should i just continue to ignore her? or should i talk to her in atlanta and make it seem as if we were on the same page, and wanted to see how she was feeling. By the time i talk to her i would not have seen her in over 10 days. no communication. so now what do you think???

you DONT try to "re attract" her back.

dont spend any time or energy on focusing on getting her back. thats the problem that men have. they believe that they can wave a magic wand or do something "special' that will make things go the way they THINK they want it to go with women.

you said your peace. take that time and energy that you want to spend on her, and focus on YOU. focus on things that will make YOU a better person in general.

Believe me when i say, when you stop focusing your intentions on bettering yourself to attract women, or in your case "re attract", and start focusing soley on how you can better yourself WITHOUT a woman, things will start to align themself.

she did things that you didnt like. why settle? find someone that you believe is compatible with you. you are better than simply being in a relationship , to simply... "be in a relationship". do you not deserve better brother?

 

[bluefire7321]

I think it's time to move on, you basically said you didn't like things about her, that she likes.

Do you think that by getting together again, she's automatically going to drop them for you?

She's 18, and you're 21... you two still have a long way to go.
Are you in College? Why are you worrying so much?

She sounds like she just wants to hang out with her friends.
You sound like she's not the type of relationship material you want (See: Not wanting to do the cute relationship type).

So why would you want to get back with her? Because you are used to having her around? You're a young guy, stop hanging around the mom and asking her stuff, stop apologizing to her friends... trust me, neither of them care and trust me, they will report this stuff to your ex and probably add a few fabrications to their stories.


Move on.

thanks man for this. i think i just realized that i was on a downward spiral during the relationship. we have alot in common and shes the only girl ive met so far that has really made me think that we could take it further. what im trying to say is... give me some steps so that i make sure that i wont push her farther away and get her to want to come back. you think the talk in atlanta would be bad if i just pulled her aside. i was thinking of just acting like i dont care and ask how shes feeling. what do you think?

 

[bluefire7321]

you DONT try to "re attract" her back.

dont spend any time or energy on focusing on getting her back. thats the problem that men have. they believe that they can wave a magic wand or do something "special' that will make things go the way they THINK they want it to go with women.

you said your peace. take that time and energy that you want to spend on her, and focus on YOU. focus on things that will make YOU a better person in general.

Believe me when i say, when you stop focusing your intentions on bettering yourself to attract women, or in your case "re attract", and start focusing soley on how you can better yourself WITHOUT a woman, things will start to align themself.

she did things that you didnt like. why settle? find someone that you believe is compatible with you. you are better than simply being in a relationship , to simply... "be in a relationship". do you not deserve better brother?

you are also right and thats exactly what i will be doing. although before this happens i wanted to see if i could get some sort of bulletproof plan to see if she wants to try again. if not then trust me ill be back on my game. although i feel that we never really actually broke up. besides the whole don juan game thing, do you think there is some sort of chance that i run into her and talk to her that theres anything i could say to see if she wants a round 2? im saying that if she doesnt want that then i will be fine and wont go through any depression or what not. i just wanted to see if i had a chance if i played some cards right. what do you think?

 

[Iceberg]

how do i re attract her back? should i just continue to ignore her? or should i talk to her in atlanta and make it seem as if we were on the same page, and wanted to see how she was feeling. By the time i talk to her i would not have seen her in over 10 days. no communication. so now what do you think???

To re attract her back, you should send her some flowers, letting her know that you're sorry for being yourself. Then you should send her friends some chocolates, apologizing for not having the same interests as them. Then you should call her mom and say, "Sorry that your daughter and I are different people."

There is no "re-attracting."
You have different interests.
You have different friends.
You have different styles of being in a relationship.

Where's the "re-attraction" in that? That's like me saying, "This food is awful. I don't like the way it tastes. I don't like the way it makes me feel. But yes, I'll have seconds, please."

Your relationship had its highs and lows. It ran its course. It's over. How do you get her back? You forget about her...and she forgets about you. Then a year from now, maybe she starts having fond memories of you and forgets the negative stuff. But the problem is, by then you've both moved on and grown into different people than who you were when you were dating.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

you are also right and thats exactly what i will be doing. although before this happens i wanted to see if i could get some sort of bulletproof plan to see if she wants to try again. if not then trust me ill be back on my game. although i feel that we never really actually broke up. besides the whole don juan game thing, do you think there is some sort of chance that i run into her and talk to her that theres anything i could say to see if she wants a round 2? im saying that if she doesnt want that then i will be fine and wont go through any depression or what not. i just wanted to see if i had a chance if i played some cards right. what do you think?

Dude. I'm choking on my own rage here.

Did you ever have a pet that died? And you cried, hoping that you could bring the pet back? But you couldn't....because it was dead. And reality is, you can't bring it back.

Well replace "pet" with "relationship"....it's over. Dead. Let go.

You can keep asking, and you'll get the same response. No one here is going to support you resurrecting your dead relationship.

 

[bluefire7321]

To re attract her back, you should send her some flowers, letting her know that you're sorry for being yourself. Then you should send her friends some chocolates, apologizing for not having the same interests as them. Then you should call her mom and say, "Sorry that your daughter and I are different people."

There is no "re-attracting."
You have different interests.
You have different friends.
You have different styles of being in a relationship.

Where's the "re-attraction" in that? That's like me saying, "This food is awful. I don't like the way it tastes. I don't like the way it makes me feel. But yes, I'll have seconds, please."

Your relationship had its highs and lows. It ran its course. It's over. How do you get her back? You forget about her...and she forgets about you. Then a year from now, maybe she starts having fond memories of you and forgets the negative stuff. But the problem is, by then you've both moved on and grown into different people than who you were when you were dating.

lol your funny. i like the girl. we have alot in common, i have just been extremely stressed with college, family, my puppy, and lots more. i have been short tempered and stupid. i havent been able to see how i really was untill it was done and had time to myself. i have another girl who has been interested although i want to see whats up with my ex. any positive advice? hope that helps. by the way she has left everything about us on her facebook and everything, so im not sure whats going on through her mind since ive been letting her do whatever shes wanted for the past week.

 

[bluefire7321]

Dude. I'm choking on my own rage here.

Did you ever have a pet that died? And you cried, hoping that you could bring the pet back? But you couldn't....because it was dead. And reality is, you can't bring it back.

Well replace "pet" with "relationship"....it's over. Dead. Let go.

You can keep asking, and you'll get the same response. No one here is going to support you resurrecting your dead relationship.

thats interesting, and i hear you brother. im not mourning on this situation. i just wanted to see what you guys thought. we never officially ended, and she hasnt blown up or freaked out. i find it hard to believe a female could be in a relationship for 12 months and then the relationship just end. there must be something left. to be honest i dont think its over and i think if i ask how she feels she might be the one to say shes been waiting for me. ive been told that her personality would lead her to do this, being that she isnt usually the first one to start talking. i usually have to approach her, this was even like this when we were friends.

 

[Iceberg]

lol your funny. i like the girl. we have alot in common, i have just been extremely stressed with college, family, my puppy, and lots more. i have been short tempered and stupid. i havent been able to see how i really was untill it was done and had time to myself. i have another girl who has been interested although i want to see whats up with my ex. any positive advice? hope that helps. by the way she has left everything about us on her facebook and everything, so im not sure whats going on through her mind since ive been letting her do whatever shes wanted for the past week.

My positive advice has been to move your life in a positive direction by letting go of this breakup. I don't know what else I can tell you.

She broke up with you and told you that she was unhappy. "I'm unhappy with our relationship" is a deal-breaker. She didn't say, "I wish you cooked more." She said she was UNHAPPY. Dating YOU makes HER unhappy. Good God...there's nothing else to say.

If you want to call her mom, and friends, and follow her around in Atlanta, then go for it. But I'm not going to tell you to do that, because it is foolish and naive. Do whatever the hell you want to....don't let people on the internet boss you around. But no, there is no "positive advice" because your relation is over. You wanna go back to her, crawling on your knees? Do it. And maybe she'll take you back. But you'll definitely be broken up again a few months from now.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

thats interesting, and i hear you brother. im not mourning on this situation. i just wanted to see what you guys thought. we never officially ended, and she hasnt blown up or freaked out. i find it hard to believe a female could be in a relationship for 12 months and then the relationship just end. there must be something left. to be honest i dont think its over and i think if i ask how she feels she might be the one to say shes been waiting for me. ive been told that her personality would lead her to do this, being that she isnt usually the first one to start talking. i usually have to approach her, this was even like this when we were friends.

You find that hard to believe because you are 21 and you date teenagers.

It happens all the time. Go ahead...glue your broken relationship back together. Obviously it's what you want to do.

Just don't expect people around here to tell you that it's a wise decision.

 

[Igetit!]

i find it hard to believe a female could be in a relationship for 12 months and then the relationship just end. there must be something left.

It really depends on how the relationship ended.

If the reason it truely ended was because of your behavior and not because of a third party (another guy),then it may be possible to win her back.


I personally agree with everyone else when they say to move on,but for some reason,I don't think you will....not just yet.


So if you do plan on trying to "revive" the relationship,the BEST CHANCE you'd have to get her back would be to make her see that you "get it".



She'd have to see and KNOW that you UNDERSTAND her point of view,and the best way to do that would be for you to explain HER POINT OF VIEW back to her.


If you can explain and show her that YOU FEEL the EMOTIONS that she felt that caused her to leave you in the first place,then she'll know that you "get it" and that you'd never do what you did to her again out of ignorance.



You may have acted controlling towards her before not fully realizing what you were doing at the time,but if you were to get her to see that you UNDERSTAND how she felt when you were doing that,then now you'd no longer have an excuse.



And she may be like,"Hmm. Well at least he does understand now. I guess I could give him another chance,but if he ever does it again,I'm gone".



The only bad part about this is you've made some other mistakes ON TOP OF the one that initially broke you two up. For one,you agreeing to be friends with her when she suggested it didn't help the situation.



Even though you screwed up,you still have to be a MAN. If you make a mistake,then you need to own up to them like a MAN. That way,the attraction is maintained.



You kind of yielded your manhood over to her by agreeing to be friends.
So in addtion to being controlling,her attraction for you also took a hit.



The next time I see her,I'd be like,"Hey (her name),I WANT to talk to you".



Then once you get her alone somewhere,I'd be like,....


"Hey,I understand what you meant now. Look at first,yeah,I was stubborn and hardheaded. And some of the things I said,like that comment about country music,ok,I agree were out of line. I mean if you were to say something negative about (something you like and are really into),I'd be pissed off as well. I'd take it personally too. And to be honest,at the time,I really believed I was right,but now that I've had some time to think about everything,I kinda felt embarrassed about how I acted.

So YES,I was wrong, and I made a mistake,but you know what? I STILL WANT YOU. I still WANT you to be with me. I'm not saying that I'll be perfect from now on and never make a mistake,and I'm not saying that I now suddenly like country music because I don't,but I'm not going to knock you over having a different taste in music or whatever else because that's just crazy.

Anyway look,I'm going to (so and so) place later on. Come up there and hang out with me."


I'd try something like that. If you were to say something like that to her,once you've finished,DON'T SAY,"So,are we back together now?".


DON'T DO THAT. Just tell her about a place you're going to and TELL HER you want her to come with you.


Her response to that should let you know where things lie.



And another thing...
DO NOT SAY...."I want to be with you".

Say,"I WANT you to be with ME". I don't want to go into detail about why it's phrased that way,just trust me.



Also,you need to chack out THIS THREAD. Don't worry,it's not 5 pages of a thread to read,in fact,it's not a thread at all,just one single reply.


Just skip down to reply number 14 and have a look at it. Even if things don't go well with this girl,it'll come in handy with the next one.


The bit of advice I gave here plus the info in the thread I suggest is your BEST CHANCE at reviving this thing

If ALL THAT doesn't work,then you can forget it.

 

[bluefire7321]

It really depends on how the relationship ended.

If the reason it truely ended was because of your behavior and not because of a third party (another guy),then it may be possible to win her back.


I personally agree with everyone else when they say to move on,but for some reason,I don't think you will....not just yet.


So if you do plan on trying to "revive" the relationship,the BEST CHANCE you'd have to get her back would be to make her see that you "get it".



She'd have to see and KNOW that you UNDERSTAND her point of view,and the best way to do that would be for you to explain HER POINT OF VIEW back to her.


If you can explain and show her that YOU FEEL the EMOTIONS that she felt that caused her to leave you in the first place,then she'll know that you "get it" and that you'd never do what you did to her again out of ignorance.



You may have acted controlling towards her before not fully realizing what you were doing at the time,but if you were to get her to see that you UNDERSTAND how she felt when you were doing that,then now you'd no longer have an excuse.



And she may be like,"Hmm. Well at least he does understand now. I guess I could give him another chance,but if he ever does it again,I'm gone".



The only bad part about this is you've made some other mistakes ON TOP OF the one that initially broke you two up. For one,you agreeing to be friends with her when she suggested it didn't help the situation.



Even though you screwed up,you still have to be a MAN. If you make a mistake,then you need to own up to them like a MAN. That way,the attraction is maintained.



You kind of yielded your manhood over to her by agreeing to be friends.
So in addtion to being controlling,her attraction for you also took a hit.



The next time I see her,I'd be like,"Hey (her name),I WANT to talk to you".



Then once you get her alone somewhere,I'd be like,....


"Hey,I understand what you meant now. Look at first,yeah,I was stubborn and hardheaded. And some of the things I said,like that comment about country music,ok,I agree were out of line. I mean if you were to say something negative about (something you like and are really into),I'd be pissed off as well. I'd take it personally too. And to be honest,at the time,I really believed I was right,but now that I've had some time to think about everything,I kinda felt embarrassed about how I acted.

So YES,I was wrong, and I made a mistake,but you know what? I STILL WANT YOU. I still WANT you to be with me. I'm not saying that I'll be perfect from now on and never make a mistake,and I'm not saying that I now suddenly like country music because I don't,but I'm not going to knock you over having a different taste in music or whatever else because that's just crazy.

Anyway look,I'm going to (so and so) place later on. Come up there and hang out with me."


I'd try something like that. If you were to say something like that to her,once you've finished,DON'T SAY,"So,are we back together now?".


DON'T DO THAT. Just tell her about a place you're going to and TELL HER you want her to come with you.


Her response to that should let you know where things lie.



And another thing...
DO NOT SAY...."I want to be with you".

Say,"I WANT you to be with ME". I don't want to go into detail about why it's phrased that way,just trust me.



Also,you need to chack out THIS THREAD. Don't worry,it's not 5 pages of a thread to read,in fact,it's not a thread at all,just one single reply.


Just skip down to reply number 14 and have a look at it. Even if things don't go well with this girl,it'll come in handy with the next one.


The bit of advice I gave here plus the info in the thread I suggest is your BEST CHANCE at reviving this thing

If ALL THAT doesn't work,then you can forget it.

Wow. That's all I have to say is wow. That made 100 percent sense. Everything you said just opened my eyes. You related to me perfectly and took the story out of the pimping context.

I did not agree to be her friend although. I told her I didn't care what she did but I did care about her being safe. I have told everyone who has asked about her and me that I just don't care about what's going on.

I hve studied the game and have read about relationships and have been in a few, but what people don't understand is that when your in this situation and you need advice. You need to give it a last stab. And that last stab is crucial. Because it could be done but has to be well thought out.

A couple things I didn't mention..... I took her virginity, and I was her first serious relationship, also she said she loved me a bunch of times.

Do you have any other form of communication besides sosuave? I'm interested in Your knowledge and would like to have at least one convo because you hit multiple nails on the head.