Advice on LTR and example of not what to do!

[The_King]

Gents,
Long time since I have posted. However feel the need to return to help clarify my mind.

I seemed to have the game to get the girl I desired, long story shortened. I met a girl through work, we were both from different locations and met at a head office training course. The moment she walked in I thought this could make for an interesting week, she grabs the seat next to me. I decide that I am going to have fun here and over the week upped the game to such a level that whilst we are watching an training video she is leaning into me, head on my chest and the last day comes and she goes for the kiss close in the car park. I met her a week or so later and f close in a hotel….

All great or so I thought.

We continued to see each other on weekends (first mistake), as this involved spending the whole weekend together. Eventually deciding after a year, that we had enough of the travelling back and forth, therefore I moved to her city and we rented a place together. All still fun and exciting and I do not regret that decision as it opened up new friends and career opportunities.

However, fast forward to present day and we are engaged and own a place together.

The problem is I think is I became so invested in moving cities and losing sight of me etc, that I have been blinded into just following life’s pattern. We are fundamentally quite different and the future does not excite me at all. All she virtually does, is lie in bed and watch tv… which I have come to accept but its ludicrous. I talk about ambitions and goals, and she has the mentality that she wants to work part time or not at all (its not as if she earns a super wage, so I guess I would be the bank in her eyes). Also, to make this story more interesting and cringe worthy, she is a divorcee. Who cheated on her first husband, and oh the irony and let this be a lesson to nice guys, she will refer back to her first husband about how loving and caring he was and such a nice guy, and then has the audacity to say why can’t I be like him. Which is rather absurd and funny, she wants a nice guy got bored of him and then wants a nice guy so she can have frame and be put on a pedestal. She struggles with depression over an ill family member and I have come to rot into a shadow of myself.
On hindsight, I was deceived/ caught up and made some incredibly rash decisions, what should have been a bit of a STR became a LTR and in my current view should not become a marriage. At first, she would enjoy going out and having a good time but she has become more reclusive and depressive. She was interesting and happy after spending a year travelling just before I met her, whereas now her life in my eyes revolves around watching the newest romcom/ or trashy tv series. Admittedly, she does have a family illness to contend with, but I slotted myself into a Captain Save-a-ho and in 10 months will be committing under marriage to do so.

This brings me to my state of mind now, I need to face up and call it off. I cannot rescue her state of mind, the girl I met was still riding high from travelling the world but now that’s all in the past.

This should be an example of what not to do.
I am sure you probably all agree…. But interested to hear like wise situations and critical insight!

 

[Manup]

Yep yep yeppity yep...... Hell yeah!
Sounds like you have enough self awareness to see the situation for what it is....
Just have to extricate yourself as smoothly as possible, plan that exit and push the button.
Hindsight is 20/20 and as a good friend once said to me "When you're blinded by the shag" it's easy to find yourself down the line in a situation that just aint gonna work out well...

Thank your lucky stars that you can see it and don't end up like some guys married with kids before the sh*t hits the fan.
No way on earth I'd put a ring on a divorcee cheater no nope no noooooo
FFS no!
Throw in the propensity for depressive behaviour and it's a sh*tstorm on the horizon.

 

[Colossus]

Sounds like you have a sound take on the matter.

We've all been blinded by the "sex haze" and perhaps made some impulsive decisions. This is why I firmly believe the first 3-4 months of time you spend with a woman are NOT a reliable indicator of your future happiness together. We can screen as much as possible, but unfortunately you don't always see someone's true colors until the relationship has unfolded past the honeymoon phase.

I saw this with my ex-gf. We had a fantastic start; so much so that I thought she may be the girl I'd marry. But after about 4 months, the fighting began. It only progressively worsened. I made a lot of concessions for her, because our physical chemistry was off the charts, but that sort of blinded me to her character flaws that made for a miserable relationship. Not to say I was perfect, I definitely wasn't and learned a lot about myself, but sometimes you just have to accept that trying to "make" a relationship work with certain women is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole---no pun intended. Your efforts are better spent finding one that fits.

Another analogy that helped me is to think of her as a used car. At first you may have loved her; she was a fantastic buy and you had a lot of fun driving together. But now, things are breaking down. She is "nickel and diming" you with repair costs, and every other week she is in the shop. At a certain point you just have to cut your losses and get rid of that damned car!!! Your money would be better spent on a new car with low mileage and no major issues.