Advice on how to respond (noobie)

[Mavz]

Just a heads up I got referred onto this site about two hours ago and have been reading up stickies ever since. All the messages that are in this post were sent before i was referred to this site. Also not sure if i'm doing this right or....

So girl I've been seeing regularly for about a month, showed heaps of interest and key signs. But then the other week she brings up her ex and how they have been talking and that she still loves him and can see a future with him. That was fine, i slowed contact, but we still managed to see each other and she was still showing strong signs towards me.

On a side note I was in a car accident which wrote off my car a night ago that I was incredibly lucky to walk away from, and I am still in quite a lot of shock. I have a feeling that because she was the closest girl in my life at the time, i've grown a really unhealthy unintentional attachment to her.

So anyway, we spoke last night and she pretty much said that we can still see each other but she wants to implement boundaries and that we can't see each other 1 on 1.

So today i tried to start the process of NC, but i failed miserably. I gave her cold responses and she eventually asked me what was up, and i opened up.

She said, "The further away from me the stronger the feelings will get, the closer we are the stronger the feelings are. its just all going no where.... i just thought with more people around, you'd have some sort of distraction. Tell me what you want then. Cos i don't know"

Me being naive replied, "Name, if you're ever going through hell, keep going, ill always be by your side as your friend or more, its up you on that front but in the end i will be there for you no matter what anytime of day. i enjoy spending time with you, it makes me happy and it seems like it does the same for you" (did someone crack open the beta gas? -.- But I really think that this ties in with the whole car accident and unhealthy attachment.)

With her response being, "im glad we didnt have to come to the conclusion of just not seeing each other at all. And i know you will always be there, your such a kind hearted person and im so sorry i can't give you more... but seriously, i'm easy to get over. Trust me, hang out with me longer and you will be so sick and annoyed of my shvt. Until then, ill still be the same old me, if you need, im there!"

Now what i'm looking for is advice on where I can go from here, what to respond?

Also things to note are, I have to see her next week, not sure how to act.

 

[Plutoman]

*Note up front; I've been in this for 5 months now, so in other words, not that long. I'll give my advice but take it with a grain of salt if it's contradicted.

Hate to break it to ya, but it's unlikely this will go anywhere. You're in the friend zone, you are the 'nice guy' that she wants as a friend but doesn't ever want to sleep with. She has no attraction towards you. She was wanting you to get your own life, outside of her.

What I would suggest at this point in my experience is to tell her, "Hey, I've thought about this, and I've realized I need to focus on myself for some time, and I think it'd be better if we go our separate ways for the time being. If you reconsider the situation with your ex, give me a call and we'll see where we are then."

Yep, total contact break, deliberate, leaves it in her court if she ever reconsiders. Will she? Unlikely. I had one situation like yours - about 2 years later I hooked up with her over a movie at her place. I had changed my life somewhat, enough to build a bit of attraction after a 2 year time period to reset. Still didn't know much, but I was better than when I first tried. Not enough for a relationship, though. Good thing, too, as it would've fallen apart quickly with how I was then.

I just recently had a similar ex situation, but I kept a fairly dominant frame during the whole thing. She also was well aware there was no future with her ex. Did it matter? Nope, she still had that deep attraction for him. I told her the above myself, minus the focusing on myself part - we had already hooked up, and I told her it was because it would be difficult to just keep it as friends. The reason I did so, instead of maintaining a friendship with a dominant frame? I was too invested. I was feeling too much for her, and I needed to get out before I got myself in trouble and started the beta routines.

At that point, you need to start focusing on your own life - just as said. Start building friendships, start working on being social and outgoing. Focus on your work/school/classes/etc. Start meeting other women - start approaching them. That's a difficult thing to jump into, so what I recommend is to start being social and talking to everyone. Think of the cute girls as old grannies and talk to them the same. Once you get there, you can start flirting/getting numbers/dates/etc. Might even get some on the way, but really - just start with being social.

 

[Purefilth]

She really really loves the attention you pour over her, and how could she not? Youve promised to be her security blanket and she didn't even have to put out for it.

Now look you are in the friendzone. Simply put - no way out. Once a girl has decided that there is no svxual attraction there - thats it, you are (in her eyes) one of the unfvckables.

Only thing for it is to cease contact and cease feeding her ego. Thats the only thing that you can really do that will be healthy for you. The NC thread is stickied - anytime you want to talk to her, post there.

In the meantime you need to start chatting to other girls, get a few around you and you'll soo realise that SHE HAS SMELLY POO TOOO! Eventually the rose coloured glasses will wear off and you won't give a flying sh!t.


The longer you drag it out and hang around her, the more it will hurt and the longer it will sting for once you remove the band-aid (going NC).

Scroll down and click the link for the DJ bible - start reading.

Thats all I have bro, Good luck.

 

[Mavz]

Thanks for the responses guys, really helped me put it into perspective.

There is a bit that I forgot to mention, in which we have been fooling around and doing stuff. Which has lead to twice being in the position to fvck and she has been keen saying "I want to fvck you" but we have both said no on different occasions. Not sure what this changes in terms of your opinions?

 

[Purefilth]

Thanks for the responses guys, really helped me put it into perspective.

There is a bit that I forgot to mention, in which we have been fooling around and doing stuff. Which has lead to twice being in the position to fvck and she has been keen saying "I want to fvck you" but we have both said no on different occasions. Not sure what this changes in terms of your opinions?

judge by actions not words.

IME the ones who talk about it are doing so for the attention it gets them, they don't ever actually put out.

Why did you say no?