advice on how to avoid being the rebound guy

[jaymo]

Ok,

I go to collage, and last samester I met this girl who I find out from her during the initial approach that she was dating this guy from online who lives in florida (we're in missouri). And from what she told me, she was in the online relationship with him for a year and a half. I will call her Amy for the sake of this writing.

So, seeing how she seemed happy and stuff, I just put her in the friends category and moved on, although we still talked with each other occationally and stuff during lunch.

Fast forward to this samester. My roommate (Sam) and I are really good friends and stuff, and recently he started hanging out with amy and her room mate (we'll call her Jenefer) because he liked her room mate and was also really good friends with amy as well. Since I'm usually his ride, I ended up seeing a lot more of amy and stuff, but of course I just sort of ignore her or whatever cuz she wasn't single, but we still talked and stuff like friends.

Well, one night, I was going to pick up Sam, but I couldn't reach him on cell phone. I call up amy, and she tells me that his laptop is in her room, so i decide to drop by and wait for Sam to come back in her room. Well, she was alone and stuff, and eventually when he didn't come back we went out to look for him.

Now at this point we already exchanged back rubs, maybe some play fighting or whatever, but that's about it.

I took this opportunity to ask about the status of the relationship with Wade, her online BF or whatever. This started a long discussion. Appearently she dated the guy for 2 years without ever meeting him, and she was even considering changing some major life goals and transfering to a collage near him so that she would be closer to him. I told her that it was crazy, and talked about a cousin who did something similar and how it didn't work out. I also talked about a couple online relationships that i tried that ultimately failed cuz neither of us was able to make the trip (since then, i only use the online to meet local people, and even then its rare but it does happen occationally). We talked about a lot of other stuff as well that was related too. Eventually it got late, I eventually found my friend, and we said our goodbyes.

Well as it turned out, she ended up breaking up with the guy 2 days later!!

She was thinking about it anyways, but didn't have the proper frame of mind, was sort of being idealistic and hopeful, was afraid she might be letting go of something great, etc etc etc. And there were some other talks too, but, well it seems rather cooincidental that it happened 2 days after i straightened her out =D

Anyways, you can imagine that the online boyfriend didn't take to the breakup too kindly, and long story short he didn't make it easy for her to break up and she was emotionally drained. This happened about a week ago. Looking on her facebook (she added me), she puts stuff like being emotionally distant, crying, lonliness, etc.

So my question is pretty much where I go from here. I definitely don't want to be the rebound guy at all, but on the other side we seem to get along really well too. And after that night we exchanged another round of backrubs, and i could tell she liked it.

One guy said to wait about a month before asking her out or anything like that, and just take the time to get to know her casually, since right now she's emotionally vulnerable and stuff, but I wanted some other feedback.

Keep in mind that I also have other stuff going on too. I am taking social dancing class with like 9 guys and 21 girls, and 4 of the guys are older age and another 1 is taking the class with his GF. I also have a couple other phone numbers, and I think i could get a couple more if i made the effort and see what happens from there. I pretty much have the mindset that if things don't go well, there are other people i could shift my attention to in terms of how much time i spend with em and stuff.

I am at the point where I pretty much conquered my nervousness around women. I used to worry about what I'm going to say, but that is no longer the case. It still irks me that i've never been in a serious relationship, although I have been on a few dates at starbucks and I've met quite a few people from online in the real life.

I grew up and graduated overseas in Asia (I am a white US citizen though) too, and it took me a LONG time to try to "Get it". I am quite familiar with David Deangelo and watched some of his DVDs, and they helped me alot to cultivate the right attitude i should take with women.

Anyways, I know this is long winded, but since I'm still sort of inexperianced at this, i would appreciate some feedback.

thx

 

[Eccentric]

You avoid being the reboung guy by avoiding her. Emotionally a mess because of an online breakup with someone she's never met? Jesus H Christ.

You were alone with her... and you asked about her BF? :nono:

Sorry if I sound like an ass, but that was the time and place. A back rub is HUGE. I bet if you were laying down while she was rubbing you, and you turned over then looked her straight in the eyes, you would've sent a bazillion butterflies through her stomach. It wouldve been a done deal.

 

[jaymo]

You avoid being the reboung guy by avoiding her. Emotionally a mess because of an online breakup with someone she's never met? Jesus H Christ.

you're telling me lol. But i've been there too. It's sooooooo easy to get emotionally involved with someone like that, even as a guy. It was her first time (edit: for being in a online relationship i mean)

You were alone with her... and you asked about her BF? :nono:

Well i was checking if she was still single or not.

EDIT to add: I didn't want to make any moves and then get slammed with the "i'm not over my boyfriend yet". I tried to kiss a girl that was in a long distance relationship with a guy in GERMANY a couple months previous (i completely forgot about that fact, and she was being somewhat flirty), and I got that excuse. It was just as i was about to leave too. I wasn't sure how to respond to that since it never happened and i didn't count on that happening. All i could think of in terms of response in giving that understanding look, saying goodbye, and leaving before i did something else that woulda screwed me up.

Suffice it to say i don't hang out with her as much, but i might make another move later on.

Sorry if I sound like an ass, but that was the time and place. A back rub is HUGE. I bet if you were laying down while she was rubbing you, and you turned over then looked her straight in the eyes, you would've sent a bazillion butterflies through her stomach. It wouldve been a done deal.

heh don't worry about it. At least you're keeping it real.

time and place for what? sex?

What's funny is that I think that almost happened, except i had her laying face down and I was giving the massage. Had to cut it short tho cuz I heard Sam and Jenefer walking down the hall and they came in the room.

 

[Ace of Flames]

"How to avoid being the rebound guy"

Well uh.... how about.... not being the rebound guy? Let some other moron come and go, and then once she's over it, you come along. There's probably a guy out there that's doing this exact thing with this girl you're talking about, with you being the moron.


On a side-note, an online bf isn't a real bf. Its more like the lack of one. Online relationships are ones consisting of two lonely people, looking for some sort of emotional stimulation, who happened to have ran into each other in a chat room or otherwise, and 'clicked'. The only needs being met thru an online bf/gf are mental and a few emotional. Eventually, your physical needs that aren't being met start to overpower everything else. You realize that you are "in love" with your computer screen. With a cold, unfeeling machine. Your laptop can't hold you at night. You aren't gonna get kisses from your hard drive. While I'm sure its been done in some sick way, sex with your mouse just isn't the same as the real thing. You realize that you're wasting your life on someone you'll most likely never meet. Its sad.

And even if you can live with that, as soon as someone in real life comes along, you "dump" your online bf/gf pretty quick.

In fact, now that I think about it, I'd go as far as to say that THAT may be why she broke up with him. You came along. It makes sense. She "loved" this guy or whatever, but she can TOUCH you. Just a simple touch is a lot stronger than any IM he can send. If she can get her needs satisfied that she gets from him, from YOU instead, plus the physical parts, you are clearly the best choice.

Think about that. Its a different perspective, at least.

 

[jaymo]

"How to avoid being the rebound guy"

Well uh.... how about.... not being the rebound guy? Let some other moron come and go, and then once she's over it, you come along. There's probably a guy out there that's doing this exact thing with this girl you're talking about, with you being the moron.

Actually, you might be right. My roomie Sam told me of a guy who also broke up with his GF the same time amy did, and my roomied tells me that his guy was also into amy. I met him. He's some sort of wierd jock/motorcyclist/nerd hybrid type. Smart, strong, AND crazy.

His "GF" was quite obviously avoiding him, being hard to contact, etc. In fact, while amy, sam, and i were talking, he called her up and she had to leave because he was going through a "crisis" with the GF and the two are appearently fairly good friends to begin with. He knew her longer than me tho.

Sam tells me that this guy is also worried about being the rebound guy.

I also saw amy giving the guy a massage, and then she was like "if you want a massage all you gotta do is ask", and i was like "sure". He was still with the GF tho at the time, and she was still with Wade the online guy.

EDITED TO ADD: Only difference was, HE didn't return the back rub while I did in that interaction.

On a side-note, an online bf isn't a real bf. Its more like the lack of one. Online relationships are ones consisting of two lonely people, looking for some sort of emotional stimulation, who happened to have ran into each other in a chat room or otherwise, and 'clicked'. The only needs being met thru an online bf/gf are mental and a few emotional. Eventually, your physical needs that aren't being met start to overpower everything else. You realize that you are "in love" with your computer screen. With a cold, unfeeling machine. Your laptop can't hold you at night. You aren't gonna get kisses from your hard drive. While I'm sure its been done in some sick way, sex with your mouse just isn't the same as the real thing. You realize that you're wasting your life on someone you'll most likely never meet. Its sad.

And even if you can live with that, as soon as someone in real life comes along, you "dump" your online bf/gf pretty quick.

Can't argue with that

In fact, now that I think about it, I'd go as far as to say that THAT may be why she broke up with him. You came along. It makes sense. She "loved" this guy or whatever, but she can TOUCH you. Just a simple touch is a lot stronger than any IM he can send. If she can get her needs satisfied that she gets from him, from YOU instead, plus the physical parts, you are clearly the best choice.

Think about that. Its a different perspective, at least.

yea, you make a good point. I'm wondering if that's what's actually going on.

So do i avoid her for like the next 2 weeks if i can or something, or at least minimize the contact as much as i can?

 

[Ace of Flames]

Well, I see two paths.

You can go for it as soon as possible, if you go with the "she broke up with him for me" idea, and run the risk of being a rebound guy.

Or

You can give it some time and let her get over it, if you go with the "I don't wanna be the rebound guy" idea, and run the risk of her thinking you don't like her anymore and going with some other guy.

Personally, I'd take choice #1. At least you get SOMETHING out of this, even if you just end up being the rebound. With choice #2, you might not get anything.

A DJ takes what he wants when he wants it. If you want this girl, then go get her. What's so bad about being the rebound guy anyway? You get some, she gets some, and you move on. Its a win-win.


Oh hey, if you like my post, give me some rep! It would be appreciated. You're a new member, so I assume you don't know how. Just click the little scale thingy over on the right, under my name and info. Thanks in advance!

 

[Phyzzle]

Jaymo, if you don't feel up to making a move the next time you see her, try this guy's method:

http://www.sosuave.com/articles/escaping.htm

I've been the rebound guy before, and I think the key is NOT giving her instant gratification (even if you would like some sex this week). She's looking for a quick fix, so now is your time to up the challenge (while still making your interest obvious, nonverbally).

 

[Eccentric]

Well next time when giving a backrub, ask them how it feels, and what they'd like. You'd be surprised at what a girl lets you get away with if she's getting turned on.

I wasnt giving a girl a rub, but rather scratching her back while cuddling. She lays down and lifts her shirt up and tells me to keep at it. Well after 5 or 10 minutes of scratching, I start to blow gently on the small of her back. She got incredibly fidigity while laughing, telling me to stop because it tickled. I kept at it. So I figured what the hell. I gently licked the small of her back this time. She went nuts. The good kind. So I said "what, no sarcasm?"... She gave me a long whispered "nooooooo".

She tells me "omg I'm getting wet, we better stop." I told her I cant, that I'm enjoying it too much. Now the fact that she didnt turn over and say no, or try to stop me physically was a green light. She ended up fingering herself. She unbuttoned her pants while she was still facing down, and pulled her pants down to her thighs. She had a thong, so a grabbed it and yelled wedgy and lifted it up a bit. She just started laughing "you *******". She still had one hand down her panties, and I said are you having fun down there and proceded to glide my hand down her thigh. She reached over and grabbed my hand, and said you take over...

:cheer: Graphic story huh? lol. Why did this happen? I kept pushing it until I got a "no", wich never showed up. Actions are better than words. Sure we could've talked. Boring. I've got a hot girl on the couch, time to make something of it. In certain situations, there may never be a second chance. But if things go well, there with be a 3rd, 4th, 5th, chance if you catch my drift.

You'll know when a girl is into you when you're alone. This isn't an overnight process that you pick up though. My first burn is what sent me online to change my life forever. Boy was it a bad one, and there were many others that followed.

You cant let past mistakes dictate how you act with new females. That just fills your head with negatives and doubt. If youre getting turned on by a rub, chances are she is to. Who cares if she has a BF, if shes turned on, shes turned on. She MIGHT be thinking of him, she might be thinking of YOU. Until you press all her buttons, or unless she says no dont, youll never know that.

I'm not saying rape a girl, but its like selling a product. Dont assume the customer doesnt want it. Make your sales pitch and let them decide. When your making the pitch, if they feel it's not for them they'll stop you and let you know.

 

[Ace of Flames]

Oh no dude, lol. You gave me negative rep! You gotta click "I approve". Oh well...

Eccentric, I like your story, and the rest of your post is spot-on.

Salesmen always say "Assume the sale."
DJ's always say "Assume she likes you."

Same difference.

 

[Eccentric]

HAHA thanks. I got the sales idea from when I used to work retail. Some old guy and his wife we're being dip****s about a sales price. My manager always told us to sell warrantys. They push them like a Columbian pushes coke lol. Anways I'm thinking after all this **** theres no way they'd get one. It was like $300 for 3 years. If anything broke, a company would come out and repair it, they'd get a new one, or an equal value replacement. First thing out of her mouth was "that's a terrific deal, I'll take it."

 

[jaymo]

Oh no dude, lol. You gave me negative rep! You gotta click "I approve". Oh well...

Eccentric, I like your story, and the rest of your post is spot-on.

Salesmen always say "Assume the sale."
DJ's always say "Assume she likes you."

Same difference.

what? i did? woops =S

its like 3 am here and i just finished writing a paper. lol

 

[Ace of Flames]

HAHA thanks. I got the sales idea from when I used to work retail. Some old guy and his wife we're being dip****s about a sales price. My manager always told us to sell warrantys. They push them like a Columbian pushes coke lol. Anways I'm thinking after all this **** theres no way they'd get one. It was like $300 for 3 years. If anything broke, a company would come out and repair it, they'd get a new one, or an equal value replacement. First thing out of her mouth was "that's a terrific deal, I'll take it."

Many principals of sales can be applied to women. The similarities have actually been pointed out many times before us. Its not a new concept.

And hey jaymo, no worries bro. If you wanna fix it and at least even me back out, you have to give some other people rep first, because it won't let you constantly rep someone. If you don't feel like all that, its fine. Doesn't mean a whole lot anyway.

 

[jaymo]

ok. got an update on the situation. I dialed up the kino and stuff a LOT a couple days ago while me, her, and a couple friends were around. Near the end of the night, i was lying on her lap and she was actually feeling my hair and chest and stuff. It was pure torcher, but the good kind =)

Unfortunately i couldnt isolate her and there were other folks around and stuff, and eventually i called it a night and left. I could tell she didn't want me to leave. =)

But now i'm hearing from today that she really likes this other guy. According to amy's friend, appearently he's "really nice".

I guess I'll have to go with the rebound guy theory whether i like it or not. If she genuinely likes this guy, then I'm screwed and I guess I should move on. If he's gonna be the rebound guy, then I guess I should make myself scarce until things magically don't work out, and then go for it.

Does this sound about right? Feeling a bit bummed (and a little confused as to why she'd like him when i thought she was giving clear signals to me), but my roomie who's good friends with her says to give it some time.

EDIT: or maybe i was too forward physically, as its pretty obvious to everyone as to what i think of her and stuff. Oh well, maybe I'll still be able to get massages from her as a "friend" as I move on

 

[jaymo]

no comment? lol

always open to criticism, even if i don't like it.

 

[Ace of Flames]

What's there to say? Good job with the kino, don't worry too much about this other guy, and, like the roommate said, just give it some time.

It'll work out.

 

[Phyzzle]

According to amy's friend, appearently he's "really nice".
. . . my roomie who's good friends with her says to give it some time.

Don't rely on "friends" to tell you what real!

1. A friend might be flat out jeleaous, and be telling you BS to keep you guys apart.

2. A friend might be subconciously jeleaous, and exagerate things to keep you guys apart, without meaning any harm conciously.

3. Who knows what this chick has said when she TALKS to these friends. Talk doesn't mean sh!t. Chicks sometimes go on and on about what a total, unbearable twit Jaymo is, and then go sleep with Jaymo that night. It's all about action.

 

[Eccentric]

I'm calling bull****. Her friend is a spy. There maybe another guy or there may not, but why did she feel obligated to tell you in the first place? They're testing you. Girls do this ****. I've had it done to me.

Did it ever occur to Amy that there "maybe" another girl in your life? No, she doesn't care about that. What she cares about is her friend. Don't let them trap you. It's BS man. Keep your cool and dont loose sleep over he said she said talk.

 

[jaymo]

What's there to say? Good job with the kino, don't worry too much about this other guy, and, like the roommate said, just give it some time.

It'll work out.

thanks for the encouragement. I guess getting all hung up about it is ultimately going to hurt me as much as obsessing over one particular girl too much, but hearing about it today made me like "wtf " cuz I was pumped about how things went that night and how she responded and stuff.

It's really hard for me sometimes not to overanalyze and worry when something like this crops up, cuz I know that it's one of the things that ultimately makes me more reserved and not more outgoing and happy, and it hurts my chances in the long run.

EDITED to add:

I'll keep what you guys, Eccentric and Phyzzle, said in mind too. This particular girl that first gave me the news (and was later confirmed by my roomie who's good friends with her), is actually my roomie's "gf" who's been giving him a lot of grief over the fact that he hangs out with his female friends (specifically a particular female friend). He says he thinks she talks a lot of smack, and just today, she was asking me where he was, and told me (with the promise that i didnt say anything to him, which i honored) that she's gonna break up with him over this issue.

What makes me crack up is that when she told him, he was like "fine, whatever", and then she actually BACKTRACKED and ended up not breaking up with him. I basically told my friend upon hearing this that this is proof positive that he DEFINITELY holds the superior hand in this relationship.

I guess I'll keep doing what I've been doing, but I won't ask her our or call her much since I see amy enough on campus enough as it is. Although I will definitely invite her to my social dancing class when my teacher is done with all the gay folk dance stuff and starts getting into waltz, foxtrot, salsa, and swing dancing. My teacher is cool about having outside guests come in and take the class. And good things always happen after we exchange massages, so I'll keep doing that too when i can.

And yea, i suspect that my roomie's GF may be a spy too now that you mention it. I'll have to be more careful what I say around her and stuff, although it was pretty obvious after that one night that I was into Amy, so the cat's out of the bag on that one.

 

[Eccentric]

See how one simple comment destroys your confidence on the situation?

Pay no attention to her friend. Instead pay attention to body language and rapport of the girl you're seeing. There lays your answer.

 

[jaymo]

What's there to say? Good job with the kino, don't worry too much about this other guy, and, like the roommate said, just give it some time.

It'll work out.

thanks for the encouragement. I guess getting all hung up about it is ultimately going to hurt me as much as obsessing over one particular girl too much, but hearing about it today made me like "wtf " cuz I was pumped about how things went that night and how she responded and stuff.

It's really hard for me sometimes not to overanalyze and worry when something like this crops up, cuz I know that it's one of the things that ultimately makes me more reserved and not more outgoing and happy, and it hurts my chances in the long run.

EDITED to add:

Eccentric and Phyzzle, I'll keep what you guys said in mind too. This girl that told me this initially is actually my friend's new "gf", who's been giving him a lot of grief for the time he spends with his female friends (and a particular friend at that). She actually told me she was going to break up with him, but when she told him and he was like "fine whatever" (kudos to him for not giving in on any of this BS), she actually BACKTRACKED and took it back. Hilarious eh? lol

Anyways, i think you're prolly right about her being a spy. I'll have to be more careful about what I say to her specifically, alhough the cat's out of the bag pretty much about what I think about amy after that one night.