advice needed...wasting my time?

[shadowinurdreams]

ok gonna try to keep this short as possible.. beginning of dec decided to to try a free 3 day trial online dating site.. Well so happens that this girl i ended up talking to from there did the same.. emailed and talked on phone for a couple weeks...

Met up mid dec and since then been on a date every Saturday since then.. She says she doesnt want to rush cause she did that in the past and 2 months later it went to ****.. THis Saturday we didn't see each other because she had eye surgery on Thurs and is all swollen and bruised. and i guess she doesnt want me to see her like that. However we did go to dinner this past wed the night before surgery cause I guess she figured we wudnt be hanging out this weekend..

Problem I have is she says not to rush and that I am rushing her yet she has brought her brother to dinner with us for me to meet him (he even came with me to the nyc motorccyle show friday night) brought her best friend one night for me to meet her as well and yet I am rushing? She talks about maybe taking a trip for a few days somewhere but hasnt planned anything yet... She knows I want to see her at least more then once a week but she says she is content with once a week.. We live like 12 miles away but jersey to ny can be over an hour in traffic so that can be a reason and i figure she up until this past weekend has chilled with me every Saturday.. .We slept together multiples times in one night couple weeks ago but since then we haven't...

What annoying some days she blows up my phone with texts and smile faces and xoxo and **** liek that and then some days i barely here from her. She usually calls me everyday or at least every other day.. .I mean I am the man so I dont want to look desperate but i like but cant seem to figure her out... liek last night she texted me at 6pm miserable so i replied how are u feeling meds are working that well something like that and i got no reply so I called her like 900 ish and i left a message and as of now I stil havent heard from her so I am not sure do i just wait to hear from her? I mean I know she had surgery but come on a simple text or phone call?

what do u guys think am i wasting my time i was htinking of giving it till valentine's day and if she chills with me for that then i am sure it might go somewhere but if not guess im wasting my time.. i am 33 she is 26...

 

[joekerr31]

when a chic starts to sap the positive energy from your life, then you are in the process of wasting your time.

from what you describe it sounds like you've got a chic who is in to you - but who also is not ready for a committed relationship 'officially'. who knows why, maybe she's got baggage, maybe her new years resolution was to 'just have fun and stop taking life so seriously', etc.

as always, the proper course of action is almost always the opposite of what we emotionally want to do. the more you want to engage, odds are, the smarter it is to pull back a bit.

right now, you've texted her, left her a voicemail. At this point, I'd just back off with no more contact. wait for her to re-engage. And when she does, act like it's no big deal that she's late getting back to you.

but, when she asks to see you on saturday say you're sorry but you made other plans... and schedule to hook up the next saturday.

this is how you have to communicate with chics. words mean nothing... action is everything.

its too early to tell if you are wasting your time.. but the next month or so should tell you.

 

[jophil28]

You missed the obvious explanation - her eye surgery was a failure and now she is legally blind. That explains why she hasn't called - she cant find her phone ..!

 

[shadowinurdreams]

thanks for the advice... I understand you had surgery and that i'm not expecting you to blow up my phone... she ended up texting me at like 2ish saying she just woke up which is cool no biggie I didnt respond as I usually do not respond right away anyway and before i responded I got another saying sorry I have been so out of it...

I responded to it and just said no apology necessary, i know the surgery took a lot out of u just rest and recover....

I just been out of the dating game a while and so it's not something Im used to plus its the first person in a while I could actually seeing being exclusive with. i ended up texting her a bit later and asked if they were still tearing liek the other day and she said they weren't as bad....

As for baggage I guess your baggage statement is relative in a way because she broke up with her ex about a year maybe a little more ago because well she caught him for the third time cheating so she says she wants to take thingsslow..... its me though i am not used to this slow I am usually the one slowing things down... she says if she met me i na bar or something her inital reaction would say your a player and i hate that but it seems like i get that a lot because of my look and yeah if all i was interested in was gettin laid... awesome no prob but I want this to develop into something a bit more..

Im not gonan text her anymore nor ask her to hang ill just leave her a message since she reached out to me last and tell her i hope ur feeling better....

 

[shadowinurdreams]

hmmm so today i get normal text messages hows ur day etc... then 1ish i get i want to apologized for being distant the last few days...i have done and lot of think and its been good because i normally don't have time to myself.. i know u know what u want and i do to i am just used to taking time to get to know someone before getting into a relationship...

she then says that the reason is that we talked about going away in the summer and stuff to italy and things like that... i told her its just conversation and and that if we were together then the invitation is there but nothing planned...

i tell her thanks for being honest and i appreciate it... then a while later i get are you ok with what i said? I say of course I am glad ur being honest.

My point is she is the one introducing her bro to me and her best friend and mentioned a couples massage and going away for a few days yet i am the one rushing..

i told her to just give me a call better then texting.. She said she would give me a call...

An hour later I get a text cant wait to go to gym I feel gross....

Then I dont respond and a while later i get is it ok for me to call you after the gym?

I replied yea of course...

Haven't heard yet from her but is she basically tellin me she wants to stop dating?

 

[Pimp-sicle]

hmmm so today i get normal text messages hows ur day etc... then 1ish i get i want to apologized for being distant the last few days...i have done and lot of think and its been good because i normally don't have time to myself.. i know u know what u want and i do to i am just used to taking time to get to know someone before getting into a relationship...

she then says that the reason is that we talked about going away in the summer and stuff to italy and things like that... i told her its just conversation and and that if we were together then the invitation is there but nothing planned...

i tell her thanks for being honest and i appreciate it... then a while later i get are you ok with what i said? I say of course I am glad ur being honest.

My point is she is the one introducing her bro to me and her best friend and mentioned a couples massage and going away for a few days yet i am the one rushing..

i told her to just give me a call better then texting.. She said she would give me a call...

An hour later I get a text cant wait to go to gym I feel gross....

Then I dont respond and a while later i get is it ok for me to call you after the gym?

I replied yea of course...

Haven't heard yet from her but is she basically tellin me she wants to stop dating?

Your letting your emotions control you and your over-analyzing every little thing she does and says... NEVER GOOD!

First off, you need to only give back what she gives to you.... seems like on the surface your doing that, but underneath your drowing big time.

This girl obviously likes you, however she's very guarded after her last relationship and she's got trust issues clearly. Remember, your actions as other have said, will speak volumes in the right language rather than your words.

As far as her surgery, it sounds like she got LASIK done and I can vouch that it SUCKS for the first month or so after surgery. Extremely dry eyes, head-aches etc as your vision stabilizes. Give her a break on that and don't ask to see her more than she's willing to give, surgery or not!

Lastly, pull back a little bit, guard your feelings, otherwise I can see you getting badly hurt in this situation. Your more invested in this at this point than she is and I encourage you to keep going out and meeting new people.

Your dependency on this girl for your general happiness = disaster





PIMP

 

[shadowinurdreams]

Thanks buddy and ur right first girl I have liked in a while and well I haven't ever experienced this situation before so it confuses me.. Usually I am the one pulling back or simply not caring but there is something about her..

Totally agree with everything you said...so heres my question you say she likes me but i need to pull away or Ill scare her away. Last I left it was she was going to call me so I am assuming if she doesnt call me no matte how long it take a day or 2 I will not call or text and let her reach out to me....agree?

If she calls and says she just wants to date i'll agree and say from now on lets just take date by date and not worry bout the future and go from there however I will not ask her to hang out.... Ill let her ask even if it takes some time.. do u think that is pulling back enough?


thanks again the advice is much appreciated ...

 

[shadowinurdreams]

So ended up talkin to hr last night and I told her we can take it date by date day by day. I even said that is if you want to continue to date and i got huh like a surprise, she wasn't waiting for me to say that.. We talked a bit about normal **** like work, how was ur day etc.. said good night then like midnight she text me nite nite have some wine for me to... (was having some wine to dehydrate me for photoshoot this morning) i text a bit later night i had a glass for u lol..

this am she text me morning if I can hang out Saturday want to to dinner friday? i sai morning yeah sound good but lets see how the week goes...

I know already she doest want to hang out Saturday because well her bday is nex tuesday and i have a feel her friend planned something for her bday sat.... i know her friend did as she told me a week ago she did but didnt know what or where yet... i never asked and i wont if she really wanted me there she wud ask me.. guess i still send her flowers next week for her bday just to be nice but other then tht not saying a word... got to be honest kinda dont eve want to chill with her this weekend and let her...

 

[Kailex]

I feel you, trust me. I'm doing the NJ/NY thing, and I know it isn't easy.

But don't say things to her like "If that's what you want". Take control.

I'm guessing you are from Jersey?

 

[tafakna]

So ended up talkin to hr last night and I told her we can take it date by date day by day.

Things here are very simple.

You know you cannot sound too eager, you know she wants to take things slow but still you're overanalyzing and acting too desperate.

You should understand that most girls would have already given you the boot for calling/texting so often. Right now a 4-5 hour delay in getting a reply to your text can make your world spin out of control. If you want this to work get a grip SOON.

As nobody gave objective advice here let's go:

1) DON'T SEND FLOWERS: you're rationalizing that it's 'just to be nice'. In reality it will make her feel more and more trapped and like you're not understanding her pleads to take it slow. She obviously likes you, but you need to give her some space.

2) STOP OVER TEXTING/OVER CALLING: same thing here. It's hard for her to miss you or value someone who's clinging like a homeless puppy. You do that to feel better and get a confirmation of ther interest for you, but every time you do that you make her desire you less.

3) TAKE IT A DATE AT A TIME: don't make plans for the future, don't try to tie down her next weeks in advance in dates, don't expect to have every SAT for yourself. Let things happen. It's pretty much like working out, in which your muscles really develop when you're resting. Dating is just the stimulus, the bond grows as you give the person time for herself to start thinking about you.

You have no reason to trust me in particular, but I've seen this before. She's needy and vulnerable so she's putting up with far more clinginess that a girl would normally do. That's until all your attention makes her feel better, and feel like you're not good enough for her.

Then things will end, you'll come to this board. Everyone will say she was just an AW and that you should Next her; when in reality everything was quite predictable and avoidable.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Thanks buddy and ur right first girl I have liked in a while and well I haven't ever experienced this situation before so it confuses me.. Usually I am the one pulling back or simply not caring but there is something about her..

Great post by Tafakna! +1 to everything he said!

No worries it happens to all of us at one time or another and you just need to get back on track.


Totally agree with everything you said...so heres my question you say she likes me but i need to pull away or Ill scare her away.

Exactly... remember she was cheated on, so until she has a better, new experience, she'll rationalize that all men are cheaters and will hurt me eventually. The fact that she thought you were a player in the beginning confirms this....BUT, don't make that turn you into a sappy, validation seeking chump.

Just keep doing what got her attracted to you in the first place... she's physically attracted, she's interested, but if you keep bringing this silent pressure she'll run sooner rather than later.

Last I left it was she was going to call me so I am assuming if she doesnt call me no matte how long it take a day or 2 I will not call or text and let her reach out to me....agree?

You guys are definitely pass the first stage of dating, so if she says she's gonna call its safe to assume she will. However the problem in my opinion, is arising because your more invested in her than she is in you (and that's all because of her fears initially of getting close to men, but also compounded by your neediness) and that's never where you want to be with a girl at any point.

Looks like you guys already talked so no need to worry or talk about this...


If she calls and says she just wants to date i'll agree and say from now on lets just take date by date and not worry bout the future and go from there however I will not ask her to hang out.... Ill let her ask even if it takes some time.. do u think that is pulling back enough?

Your problem is really simple to fix here.... instead of constantly talking about going day by day or date to date, just DO IT! Women get annoyed when a guy constantly wants to talk about the situation because it shows insecurity and fear.

So even though your reading this correctly and your on the right path, show her, don't tell her. If she brings up the two of you and taking it slow, quickly agree if your cool with it and then get back to AMPLIFYING THE ATTRACTION and growing the bond you've created.

In my opinion, most men lose women because of their own insecurities, don't be insecure and remember this is suppose to be FUN, not taxing.

PIMP