Advice needed please!!! Using txt to follow-up & get a girl out on a date

[ajb1986ajb]

Hey All,

I would be grateful for any pointers. I finally decided to ask out a girl who teaches one of my (weekly) gym classes. I had put it off for a couple of months and after two weeks of not seeing this girl (one time she wasn't there and the next I couldn't make it) I decided to take the opportunity to ask her after class if she had a boyfriend to which she replied that she was single.

Prior to this we'd had some conversations over the weeks leading up to this though they were fairly brief.

So I suggested that we go out for a drink to which she agreed (I don't know whether to save herself from embarrassment or whether she was genuninely interested). Anyway, I took her number and waited 2 days before texting (I know I should have text within a few hours!)

Here's how the exchange went (and for info, she is European):

Me: Hey Emma, it's Al! How are you? Hope you've had a good weekend What are your plans for week? X

Reply: Hey Al! I'm fine thanks. How are you? Weekend was ok but over before I could have realized it. This week is very busy with work and I start teaching a new class too. Are you coming to the class this week? X

Me (few hours later): Glad to hear it I'm good thank you, weekends always fly by hey! Mine was spent catching up with some friends which was fun ..this week I may have an early start with work so may not be able to make your class...do you have much planed for the weekend? Thinking we should meet up for that drink! X


Right now I haven't had a reply for a couple of days and wondering what my options are. I wouldn't mind going to the class on friday morning but thinking I probably won't to save her any embarrassment (though I said I MAY not be able to go in order to keep the option open).

Do you have any suggestions?

If you could get back to me in the next day it would be extremely appreciated so that I can decide whether or not to attend her class and what is likely to get me the best outcome moving forward!

Many thanks!!
Al

 

[sylvester the cat]

Your suggestion of a date was met with no reply.

As setting up dates are good ways to determine interest levels the signs with this are not good.

Options? Look for alternative options.

P.S. - Your text technique sucks!

 

[VladPatton]

Her no-reply is not good. Go to her class if you want to, and DO NOT contact her with another date request. Trust me, she got the text and chose to ignore it. They do it all the time.

Make like nothing happened next time you run into her, no need to even bring it up, and find another chick. This one is a no-joy. We've all had this happen, it's not uncommon.

I'd just delete the number at this point because she didn't even have the decency to give you a bullshıt excuse, let alone a counter offer.

 

[apprenticedj]

This one is like Jimi Hendrix, DEAD! Let it go, attend the class if you want to but put this gal out of your mind, 99% chance it ain't happenin'. As Vlad said, she got the message but CHOSE not to respond, there's your answer, sadly she's not interested but didn't want to reject you face to face. On to the next one buddy!

 

[ajb1986ajb]

Thanks for all the replies guys...that's some useful advice! For future reference how would you approach the texting 'technique' in order to get the best outcome in a situation like this? Of course if a girl's not interested it's irrelevant but would be good to get your views - thanks!

 

[apprenticedj]

Well I wouldn't say I'm an expert at this point but I don't think your texts were terrible, maybe a little wordy though. Make them a little shorter and like everyone on this forum says, don't text too often and be more in control when going for the date. For example if you want to go out on Saturday night text her a few days before and, after a brief intro, simply ask if she's free on Saturday at 8 for that drink. Her response will let you know where you stand. If she declines with no counter offer it's a dead lead. NEXT.

 

[PlayHer Man]

Thanks for all the replies guys...that's some useful advice! For future reference how would you approach the texting 'technique' in order to get the best outcome in a situation like this? Of course if a girl's not interested it's irrelevant but would be good to get your views - thanks!

Listen.. the very first text you sent her was pumped with estrogen --> YOU DON'T ATTRACT GIRLS BY ACTING LIKE ONE. :crackup:

Your texts could just as easily be coming from one of her BFF girlfriends. Too friendly, too much info sharing, too risk-averse, etc. You were "trying" rather than just boldly going after what you want (sex) and letting the ships fall where they may.

Here is how I would of texted her:

ME: Hey, whats up? Its PHM

HER: Hey PHM! How are you? Are you coming to the class this week? X

ME: Maybe. But I was planning on seeing your beautiful smile earlier than that.

HER: Teehee

ME: I'm free [insert time]. Lets meet up.

Then wait for her response. If she doesn't respond then she is NEXTED. Low interest.

 

[Megaman XIV]

She got the message. She ignored it. That's a rejection. She's just not that into you. Go spin more plates.

Get equipped.

 

[pyros]

Listen.. the very first text you sent her was pumped with estrogen --> YOU DON'T ATTRACT GIRLS BY ACTING LIKE ONE. :crackup:

Your texts could just as easily be coming from one of her BFF girlfriends. Too friendly, too much info sharing, too risk-averse, etc. You were "trying" rather than just boldly going after what you want (sex) and letting the ships fall where they may.

Here is how I would of texted her:

ME: Hey, whats up? Its PHM

HER: Hey PHM! How are you? Are you coming to the class this week? X

ME: Maybe. But I was planning on seeing your beautiful smile earlier than that.

HER: Teehee

ME: I'm free [insert time]. Lets meet up.

Then wait for her response. If she doesn't respond then she is NEXTED. Low interest.

I do like this reply. Pretty solid.

Anyway, if she was attracted to you it would not matter much whether you text her A or B or C.

Point is, she's not into you: she just ignored you. Nice...

P.S.
Just wondering, why would you expect a woman that gave you zero indicators of interest to be enthusiastic about meeting you for a drink? would it make sense to you if a girl you did not like, a girl you gave no signals suddently texted you to hang out with you? you would think this girl is weird and you would probably ignore her text as well, wouldnt you?

 

[Wolfgang D]

"Hey Emma, it's Al! How are you? Hope you've had a good weekend What are your plans for week? X"

--Don't write "how are you? and "hope you've had a good weekend". And especially don't add any smileys. You only add a smiley if what you say might be misinterpreted otherwise, so you need to show that you are joking. And even then, use sparingly. You don't add a smiley here and there like a precious little gift to make a girl like you. She has seen smileys before, she is not impressed. This looks like a dog rolling over on its back: "Please like me!"

--Write which day and time you want to meet, and which time, not "this week" or "this weekend". First, because it gives her something specific to reply to, so she doesn't have to ask you about day and time. Second, so that if she wants to reject you, she can make up a specific excuse for that particular day and time to save face for both of you. If you write "this weekend" there are fewer good excuses that would cover the whole time period. If you force her to make it an obvious rejection you lose face, which embarrasses her, which makes sure she won't want to see you in the future either.

--Only Americans would write "she is from Europe". Norway, Portugal, Russia, Albania, Greece? It's not one country, and many of the countries are world's apart. It's like writing "She is from the Americas" as if Canada, New York, Texas, Cuba, Mexico, Venezuela and Brazil were all pretty much the same.

Anyway, if she was attracted to you it would not matter much whether you text her A or B or C.

That argument that I see so often can be used for every single piece of advice given on this site. "If she wants to sleep with you X doesn't matter. If she doesn't want to sleep with you X won't make her want it." We might as well shut down the forum.

To state the obvious: All advice is always for how to deal with women who could go either way, either be lost or won. Those who definitely don't want you and those who definitely want you are already in the bag or will never be in it, that is a given that is so obvious that we shouldn't have to spell it out every single time.

It's like a discussion about what clothes to wear for a hiking trip. And you say, "If the rain is pouring down every second of the day it doesn't matter what clothes you wear, you still won't have a good hiking trip," which everyone knows already. The clothes discussion is for the cases that are not so clear-cut.

 

[Greasy Pig]

As playherman said, the first text was too much like one of her girlfriends.
And for fvcks sake, stop with the "X" at the end of each text! It's fvcking lame and reeks of desperation.
Here's how I would've played it:
GP: Hey Esmerelda, I just woke up from an awesome sleep-in and laughed to myself because you've been at work for the past four hours. How's it going?
Esmerelda: Hey GP! Very funny you smart arse. I just finished my class and I'm tired! I wish I could sleep in.
GP: Really, my heart bleeds for you. I didn't think you were that soft! Anyway, I'm about to head to work but there's this great bar I'm going to afterwards. You should come. It's at xxxxxxxx street. I'll see you there at 6pm. We can only have one drink though because I've gotta referee a ****fight at 9pm and those guys do not tolerate lateness.

Ok, you can substitute ****fighting for anything that sounds outrageous or funny. Tell her you've got to judge a lesbian arm wrestling comp or run a marathon or something. Just keep it light and be a smart arse.

If she flakes with no counter offer, you just next her.
In this case I'd be really tempted to go to her class again and COMPLETELY IGNORE HER.
Enjoy yourself and be happy, but don't acknowledge her. If she says hello, say hello back and keep walking.
If she engages you, just throw her a witty one liner (like you would an annoying kid sister) and keep walking.
Live and learn OP!

 

[Skyline]

Since everyone already established her disinterest, i'll give you some tips on texting since i used to be big on it.

10 quick tips:
1. Don't text her all day.
2. Delay your responses (x2 of her sent message then follow up within a minute or two then go back to x2)
3. Never ask two questions in the same text.
4. Your texts should be no longer than 2(max) sentences unless you're telling her a story or joke.
5. How are you, hope you had, hope you're feeling well, etc... Should NEVER be used unless they're actually sick or something happened.
6. Don't overstep your boundaries. Meaning don't say or ask anything you wouldn't in person.
7. Be yourself. Faking a personality then meeting them in person only to have them find out you're different, is basically lying behind their back.
8. Serious discussions should not be taken seriously. Unless its a death or someones sick.
9. Actions speak louder than words. Texting gives women the power to talk and say/deny whatever they want because they never have see your face.
10. Never spill your guts to her or share any emotional sh*t.

 

[TheCWord]

First off, OP - good on you for getting the number and asking for the date. It's true that she's not interested but, whatever, you went for it. Half the guys replying here are still trying to work up the courage to do what you did.

I'm surprised how many posters are getting it wrong with picking a "specific" time. If you do that and she says she's busy: maybe she is or maybe she's not, you won't know. Worst case you start auctioneering, "Well then how about the next day? Or the next day? PLEASE?!" and best case you try again a week later, which I still don't like.

The most optimal thing would be to say, "We should grab some drinks this week. What nights are good for you?" Hard for her to make excuses that way. If she says she's busy all week and doesn't counter-offer for the next week or whatever, then she's not interested. If she's busy but counter-offers or outright accepts your offer and picks a day, she's interested. Either way, you won't be left guessing.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

@TheCWord I like the "optimal thing" you'd say to the girl - definitely makes it so she has to choose a day that works for her, as opposed to being the auctioneer.

@OP: As a future note, when you're getting a girl's number, NEVER start with "hey, we should grab drinks sometime." You don't request/suggest/ask for a date before getting the number. Then, when you get it... you STILL don't let her know you want to ask her out. You sit on the number for a few days, THEN ask her out.

And when you ask her out, you CALL her. Texting KILLS relationships, and it starts with something as simple as texting to ask her out and looking like a chicken vs. having the ballz to call her up and have a verbal conversation with her. Some guys here will disagree, but TRUST me - my averages in getting girls to agree to/show up for dates sky rocketed once I stopped texting them. With a text, they can ignore it for hours on end, whereas with a call you can find out right away, and since they have to give you an answer, assuming that answer is "yes" they are less likely to flake on you out of fear of looking like a liar.

So yeah - get the number, wait a few days then CALL her up. Say "Hey, ____, it's me." Assuming she had a high interest in you, she'll remember your name and go "oh, hey, (your name), how are you?" Then you say "I'm doing good, hey I don't want to hold you up, but I'm looking to do (activity) this week and was hoping you'd be available to come with me." Very simple stuff, man. She'll either say yes and give you a definite time/day that she's available, or she'll give you some excuse about being too busy (i.e. no) or give you a non-committal time ("I might be free sometime next week, i'll let you know"). Either way, you'll know!

As for this current girl... I'd say wait a couple of weeks before going back to the class so when she sees you she'll say "hey stranger, where have you been?" (assuming she likes you - if not, she won't care where you've been) Just say you've been busy (very generic), talk to her for a bit, then suggest you and her do something later that week. If she starts fidgeting or looking uncomfortable, assume she doesn't want to go out with you. If she sounds like she's agreeable with the idea of going out with you, lock down a date and time WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN FRONT OF HER. Then say "great, I'll pick you up on (date) at (time) from (location)" and be out. Don't contact her before the day of the date to re-confirm, just show up when you're supposed to and take it from there.

Hope this helps!

 

[D Wolfgang]

First off, OP - good on you for getting the number and asking for the date. It's true that she's not interested but, whatever, you went for it. Half the guys replying here are still trying to work up the courage to do what you did.

Okay, that's true. Should be supportive when we see a guy post about actually doing something. I'd like to add that I am not, nor will I ever be, a poseur in this regard. I don't talk about things without having the courage to go out there and do it myself. I could post a lot about my approaches the last few months, many failed and some successful. But I'm too lazy.

Moderators, why don't we get a Field Report Forum already? I can't be bothered to write field reports when I know they'll be swamped by trivial threads in Don Juan Discussion and disappear from the front page in two days.

I'm surprised how many posters are getting it wrong with picking a "specific" time. If you do that and she says she's busy: maybe she is or maybe she's not, you won't know. Worst case you start auctioneering, "Well then how about the next day? Or the next day? PLEASE?!" and best case you try again a week later, which I still don't like.

No, no. She should have a concrete time to say yes or no to. It doesn't matter if she happens to be busy for real at that specific time. You say it yourself later in your post, that if she is actually busy that time but still interested she'll make counter-offers.

Like I wrote earlier, this is also a face-saving thing. If she wants to say no in a nice way, by making an excuse, the excuse will sound more plausible if it has to cover only one specific evening - instead of a whole weekend or week. If she has to say she is busy for a whole week, which both parties know can't be true, the guy loses face, and that is uncomfortable for her. Then she is much less inclined to want to talk to him again. Then he can't keep her on the low-burner and give her another offer several weeks later.

And the "several weeks later" does happen. I hooked up with a girl again six months after I had failed the first time. Much sex followed. That could only happen because face was saved for both the first time, and no bridges were burned.

The most optimal thing would be to say, "We should grab some drinks this week. What nights are good for you?" Hard for her to make excuses that way. [Yes, exactly. And what good does that do?] If she says she's busy all week and doesn't counter-offer for the next week or whatever, then she's not interested. If she's busy but counter-offers or outright accepts your offer and picks a day, she's interested. Either way, you won't be left guessing.

Never force a girl to list what evenings are good for her. It is too much work for her to give you a list. Girls are extremely lazy when it comes to texting and emailing, so if she is on the fence about meeting you, you're not doing yourself any favors by making the whole thing more of a chore for her. The guy should serve time and place on a platter for the girl, much like he takes the lead in a salsa dance. Plus, she thinks that's more manly.

 

[TheCWord]

Never force a girl to list what evenings are good for her. It is too much work for her to give you a list. Girls are extremely lazy when it comes to texting and emailing, so if she is on the fence about meeting you, you're not doing yourself any favors by making the whole thing more of a chore for her. The guy should serve time and place on a platter for the girl, much like he takes the lead in a salsa dance. Plus, she thinks that's more manly.

Maybe the takeaway from this is that while some rules of game are strict law, it's possible that this is a "whatever works for you" situation. Much like one major league pitcher's put-out pitch is the slider, some just throw dead heat.

Sounds like going for the specific date has netted wolf the most success, whereas I can definitely say that I've gotten the most enthusiastic responses from girls when I put the availability ball in their court. I've already asked for the number, assumed the sale of the date, I don't feel I'm at risk of being less manly by consulting her schedule.

For reference:

Me: let's grab drinks this week. What nights work for you?
Her: sounds good! I've got Wednesday or Friday
Me: cool. Meet ya at such and such place at this time (end of convo).

OR

Her: ahh this week's fcked but how about Monday?
Me: cool. See ya Monday at this place and that time.

 

[ajb1986ajb]

Wow loads of interesting posts - all great stuff! Quick update: I've managed to get the date wohoo!! (Without chasing.). I have much to learn but looking forward to playing the game

 

[D Wolfgang]

Maybe the takeaway from this is that while some rules of game are strict law, it's possible that this is a "whatever works for you" situation. Much like one major league pitcher's put-out pitch is the slider, some just throw dead heat.

Sounds like going for the specific date has netted wolf the most success, whereas I can definitely say that I've gotten the most enthusiastic responses from girls when I put the availability ball in their court. I've already asked for the number, assumed the sale of the date, I don't feel I'm at risk of being less manly by consulting her schedule.

For reference:

Me: let's grab drinks this week. What nights work for you?
Her: sounds good! I've got Wednesday or Friday
Me: cool. Meet ya at such and such place at this time (end of convo).

OR

Her: ahh this week's fcked but how about Monday?
Me: cool. See ya Monday at this place and that time.

Yeah, I was gonna say, we'll just "agree to disagree" on this one. Or different approaches, I guess. At the most I give two specific times on two consecutive days for a girl to choose from. But that is when I am sure that she wants to go out on a date, so the thing about saving face is not an issue.

My view of texting, or any kind of electronic contact with a girl, was formed in those early days of the internet when people used chatrooms. Getting a quick answer out of a girl was impossible. Getting a long answer was equally impossible. If you asked them two questions in the same post you were lucky if you got any reply at all. Whereas when you chatted with a guy (those few times you did), you would get fast and long answers, that replied to everything you had mentioned in your own post.

The difference between the replies from guys and girls was so big and so consistent that it made me think of women being made of slow-moving clay when they have to type something. I have that picture in the back of my mind when I send texts or emails (and when I used to be on dating sites), and I always adapt to that.

The only time you got quick and long, observant replies from a girl was when she was ugly. And that's just sad.