Advice needed on talking in group conversations

[Nikar]

Hi all,

I seem to have this issue all my life but only got about to trying to fix it recently. In group conversations, usually the talking pattern will be one person talking, the rest listening and occasionally contributing here and there.

My problem is : when the person talking has paused and it's others to talk, I almost always start talking at the same time as another person, so I just shut up to let the other person talk, and talk and talk, eventually, the topic drifts onto something else and my turn is forgotten etc.

Anyone encounter this? If so, how do you fix this? As in, how do you get your chance to talk in a group convo without always starting at the same time as some other people? Is there some kind of body language or instinct to watch out for to detect whether someone else in the group is gonna talk next?

I'm more of an introvert person and function much better with 1-to-1 situations though.

 

[BeExcellent]

There is a great book about small talk that you can google. It is written by an engineer who was socially awkward in various settings. She's a woman but you might find much of her advice universally applicable. She specifically gets into what to do in group settings like this, including what is and isn't polite during the interaction, which I have found helpful. Its called "The Fine Art of Small Talk" by Debra Fine. I keep a copy with me on my travels. Its a great tool to help build confidence in the social arena.

 

[Yewki]

Don't wait until the person talking has actually stopped. In a big group environment that's usually too late. When there's silence after the last person talked, that usually means no one has thought of anything else to add. So if you wait for there to be silence, you waited too long and the subject is free to be picked up and changed by someone else. In which case now you're f*cked. Always look for a good point to interrupt or transition with someone. The most common way is a second or two before someone is done talking (you can usually tell), just start overlapping what you want to say. It'll transition them out, and they already got their point across.

But you need to try to get out of your head more. If you think of something really funny or interesting on the spot, just blurt it out. Immediately. Derail the entire conversation if needed.

Also this is kind of obvious, but usually you want to make eye contact if possible with the person you're overlapping or cutting off. Some sort of nod or acknowledge as if to say, "I was listening but check this out"

 

[fastlife]

Why do you need to be the one to speak? How does monopolizing the floor benefit you? Why do you feel the need 'to be heard?'

The easiest way to direct the conversation is to listen and ask questions--to everyone else in the group it'll look like the 'talker' is qualifying themselves to you and trying to impress you, placing you in the position of higher values. If you think of the occasional one liner, say it. But why are you trying to give people access to your world and your thoughts with no upfront investment on their end?

Group convos are also an awesome place to isolate girls. Just make eye contact with the prettiest girl in the group and start a simultaneous conversation between just you and her, a little quieter than the general conversation. Can't tell you how many times I've seen guys busy clamoring for the floor, trying to indirectly impress the girl, and wondering why she's leaving with me.

 

[Serenity]

Sometimes I keep talking over until the conversation halts, then I tell the other to continue. Often they insist I speak what I wanted, if not I wait until the other is done as everyone knows I had something to say. That way I reserve my spot as the next one to talk. This is given if you're in a group of socially competent people, rude people just interrupt at any cost, let them talk nobody likes them for it though.

About topic drifting I evaluate the importance and relevancy while others finish their part. Sometimes it's not really that important so I let it slide off my mind and re-engage in the current topic, I also do this if someone else has spoken what I thought about. If it's important enough I wait for a gap, remind about the previous topic and share my contribution. Again for socially competent people it's normal and understandable to backtrace a conversation because you didn't find room to talk.

I face this challenge every single day, especially at work since it's a large group. In such conversations everyone knows there's bound to be collisions. You have to push a little and take some space, just keep yourself to a few sentences then let the next one talk. That way you don't take too much space and annoy everyone else shutting up to listen to you, it's really annoying for everyone when one guy goes on and on and on talking without pause.

You become more socially calibrated by trying to predict when someone finishes, you do it simply by paying attention to what and how someone is speaking. When you feel the end is coming you gotta be quick on the trigger and start talking.

EDIT: As mentioned above interrupting a couple of seconds before is normal, they fade out and you fade in while they have gotten their point across. It's not rude and you can expect someone else doing it to you when you're about to finish up. This does involve the social calibration I talked about, learn the cues by observing common group interactions.

 

[Nikar]

tks for the wealth of golden advice here, i learnt so much today.
i'll check out the book by debra

it's really annoying for everyone when one guy goes on and on and on talking without pause.

yes, i do encounter situations like this where in a group convo (informal between friends), one person (usually the ALPHA MALE, holds the most respect among all) would keep on talking and talking non-stop throughout the whole convo. no kidding, i've encountered cases where these type of guys would ratter on WITHOUT pauses or breaks for 30 - 40+ mins one shot while the rest of the group is listening. this is amazing.

during such situations, i do have cases where i want to inject some of my personal views as i've experienced what the dominant speaker is talking about, but due to their non-stop rattle, it's hard to break into it, so I just shut up like the rest of the group

 

[Serenity]

tks for the wealth of golden advice here, i learnt so much today.
i'll check out the book by debra


yes, i do encounter situations like this where in a group convo (informal between friends), one person (usually the ALPHA MALE, holds the most respect among all) would keep on talking and talking non-stop throughout the whole convo. no kidding, i've encountered cases where these type of guys would ratter on WITHOUT pauses or breaks for 30 - 40+ mins one shot while the rest of the group is listening. this is amazing.

during such situations, i do have cases where i want to inject some of my personal views as i've experienced what the dominant speaker is talking about, but due to their non-stop rattle, it's hard to break into it, so I just shut up like the rest of the group

Talking for 30-40 minutes straight, alpha? Amazing? Careful what you look up to, I don't think it's either alpha or amazing. It's just annoying and inconsiderate.

Many people love talking, a narcissist likes it so much they don't let anyone else talk. I hate them because of that, because I like talking too but some idiot keeps rambling on and on. I would allow 5 minutes tops and just interrupt the idiot or walk away.

 

[ubercat]

one way to practice is heaps of podcast interviews on the net. pause the video and think of a follow up question you could ask the person who is being interviewed. easy to do any time on your phone and if you're not serious about practicing well you're not serious about fixing this. your brain is amazing you only have to do a little bit of practice and this will start to come automatically.