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Advice for My Bad Idea

tkazansky

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I am unhappily married for 12 years. I found Rollo’s book a few years ago, and now I am here.

I work with a woman that (I believe) is sort of unhappily married as well. She was on and off with the father of her daughter for a long time (even after she had her daughter) and finally they recently married the guy. My take is that if she really wanted to marry the guy, she would have earlier. We are getting older, and I think she wanted her daughter to have a father. He is short, fat-ish, and he makes less than her. She is a HB7, and he is overachieving with her. However, he is a decent man that is a good father. Also, they are black. That doesn’t matter to me, but given where we are, I think the list of candidates that might be a good father to my co-worker’s daughter is very limited, plus he is the actual father, so I think she settled.

A few years ago, she made a comment to me that it was too bad I was married. I am taller than her, white (not that it matters), I make more than her (she knows this), and I am hwp/ athletic, as I work out regularly. Since then, we occasionally go to lunch together at work. At first, it was her, another co-worker, and me. It then moved to her and me. When I ask her to lunch, she has never turned me down, even though she often brings lunch. I once stopped asking her for awhile, and she asked why I stopped, so we have gone a few times since. At lunch, conversation mostly sticks to work stuff. She never talks about her husband. I never talk about my wife.

Last week, I was in a zoom meeting with a bunch of people and her. We (me and my female co-worker) were sending some texts back and forth complaining about the meeting. She said that we wanted to drink and have big dinner and desert.

I sent her a text after her desert remark that said, “Vanilla Ice Cream?”

I could see her laugh on the zoom call. She writes back, “With caramel.” Caramel is approximately the color of her skin.

I write back, “Swirls can be fun.”

She responds with a heart emoji.

Notwithstanding that fooling around with a married co-worker is likely the height of risky behavior. Given the risk involved, if you were going to move this forward, how would you try to escalate this?

My thought is asking her for drinks after work and trying a little kino to gauge her reaction. Other than telling me not to do this, do you have advice for my bad idea?

T
 

2Rocky

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I think you should send her a direct and explicit description of what $ex acts you want to perform on her along with a nude picture.


Then you will know EXACTLY where you stand.

and you will get what you deserve....
 

Modern Man Advice

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I am unhappily married for 12 years. I found Rollo’s book a few years ago, and now I am here.

I work with a woman that (I believe) is sort of unhappily married as well. She was on and off with the father of her daughter for a long time (even after she had her daughter) and finally they recently married the guy. My take is that if she really wanted to marry the guy, she would have earlier. We are getting older, and I think she wanted her daughter to have a father. He is short, fat-ish, and he makes less than her. She is a HB7, and he is overachieving with her. However, he is a decent man that is a good father. Also, they are black. That doesn’t matter to me, but given where we are, I think the list of candidates that might be a good father to my co-worker’s daughter is very limited, plus he is the actual father, so I think she settled.

A few years ago, she made a comment to me that it was too bad I was married. I am taller than her, white (not that it matters), I make more than her (she knows this), and I am hwp/ athletic, as I work out regularly. Since then, we occasionally go to lunch together at work. At first, it was her, another co-worker, and me. It then moved to her and me. When I ask her to lunch, she has never turned me down, even though she often brings lunch. I once stopped asking her for awhile, and she asked why I stopped, so we have gone a few times since. At lunch, conversation mostly sticks to work stuff. She never talks about her husband. I never talk about my wife.

Last week, I was in a zoom meeting with a bunch of people and her. We (me and my female co-worker) were sending some texts back and forth complaining about the meeting. She said that we wanted to drink and have big dinner and desert.

I sent her a text after her desert remark that said, “Vanilla Ice Cream?”

I could see her laugh on the zoom call. She writes back, “With caramel.” Caramel is approximately the color of her skin.

I write back, “Swirls can be fun.”

She responds with a heart emoji.

Notwithstanding that fooling around with a married co-worker is likely the height of risky behavior. Given the risk involved, if you were going to move this forward, how would you try to escalate this?

My thought is asking her for drinks after work and trying a little kino to gauge her reaction. Other than telling me not to do this, do you have advice for my bad idea?

T
1) Do you own properties or any types of assets? If you do, being the one that "caused" the divorce (if it gets to that), your spouse will get all of that no questions asked, including any children. Even if you didn't "cause" it, she is still in favor of getting whatever you own individually or together. My point is, cheating on your spouse while you might consider fun, it may not be down the line. It will have serious legal repercussions.
2) Obviously you are not happy. Why are you staying in it? You can be single and be living a more fulfilling life (whatever that means to you, and you alone).
3) Sounds like you are new to this community/forum. This has been discussed to death, don't eat where you sh*t. Dating, and especially FWB, in the workplace, can only lead to headaches. Anywhere from legal suits, losing jobs, bad records, bad reputation, to simply being inhibited around the workplace if things turn sour. Simply put, not worth it. Do you know there is a sea of women out there? Yep.

Modern Man Advice
 

tkazansky

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1) Do you own properties or any types of assets? If you do, being the one that "caused" the divorce (if it gets to that), your spouse will get all of that no questions asked, including any children. Even if you didn't "cause" it, she is still in favor of getting whatever you own individually or together. My point is, cheating on your spouse while you might consider fun, it may not be down the line. It will have serious legal repercussions.
2) Obviously you are not happy. Why are you staying in it? You can be single and be living a more fulfilling life (whatever that means to you, and you alone).
3) Sounds like you are new to this community/forum. This has been discussed to death, don't eat where you sh*t. Dating, and especially FWB, in the workplace, can only lead to headaches. Anywhere from legal suits, losing jobs, bad records, bad reputation, to simply being inhibited around the workplace if things turn sour. Simply put, not worth it. Do you know there is a sea of women out there? Yep.

Modern Man Advice
1) I am an attorney, and I disagree that the Judge in my state will care all that much about infidelity. However, I do think she would get more than her fair share of stuff and my son regardless...in other words, even if she divorced me now for a stupid reason. Of course, this is factored heavily into my decision to stay.

2) I am staying in, because I value being there for my son more than I value finding a series of plates.

3) Yes, new here. There are a sea of women out there, I agree, but I worry single ones will "fall in love", and cannot be trusted with an affair. In this case, she has some stuff to lose as well.

I appreciate your perspective.

T
 

Modern Man Advice

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1) I am an attorney, and I disagree that the Judge in my state will care all that much about infidelity. However, I do think she would get more than her fair share of stuff and my son regardless...in other words, even if she divorced me now for a stupid reason. Of course, this is factored heavily into my decision to stay. - As long as you make an educated decision based on your state's regulations/laws, that is all I care about. Whatever you do, it needs to stem from being educated on the matter.

2) I am staying in, because I value being there for my son more than I value finding a series of plates. - While I appreciate that, I do believe it is the wrong choice long-term. Are divorces hard on children? Of course, but they are not as "damaging" as children that are raised in toxic, unhealthy, or unhappy family nuclei. Meaning, it is better for your son to see a father that is strong enough to walk his path, while still supporting his family, than a miserable father. A child being raised in a dysfunctional family can only do harm to humanity.

3) Yes, new here. There are a sea of women out there, I agree, but I worry single ones will "fall in love", and cannot be trusted with an affair. In this case, she has some stuff to lose as well. - This I can see why, and you might be right. But if it is married you are looking to have a fling with them because they may be more mature about having an affair with a married man, the same applies, there are married women out there. You are not only adding the workplace ingredient for disaster but a married woman in the workplace on top of it. But you already know this as you, yourself, labeled it: "advice for my bad idea." Ultimately, a male is anyone born with a penis, being a man is a matter of choice. This is your choice.

I appreciate your perspective.

T
Absolutely, it is my pleasure. See my responses in bold above.

Keep us updated on your life.


Modern Man Advice
 

Barrister

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1) I am an attorney, and I disagree that the Judge in my state will care all that much about infidelity. However, I do think she would get more than her fair share of stuff and my son regardless...in other words, even if she divorced me now for a stupid reason. Of course, this is factored heavily into my decision to stay.

2) I am staying in, because I value being there for my son more than I value finding a series of plates.

3) Yes, new here. There are a sea of women out there, I agree, but I worry single ones will "fall in love", and cannot be trusted with an affair. In this case, she has some stuff to lose as well.

I appreciate your perspective.

T
If you live in a "no fault" state it won't matter who "causes" the divorce when it comes to assets. You carrying on some extra-marital affair with a co-worker could impact custody/visitation to an extent though. Just keep that in mind.

All that aside, and considering you began with the asking us for advice other than saying not to do it, I will simply say that this woman doesn't sound all that interesting. You're going to risk your marriage for a HB 7 and a co-worker who has her own children? You can do way better. And if you think a woman who is also married is any less of a liability than one who isn't you are in for a rude awakening.
 

Bokanovsky

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1) I am an attorney, and I disagree that the Judge in my state will care all that much about infidelity. However, I do think she would get more than her fair share of stuff and my son regardless...in other words, even if she divorced me now for a stupid reason. Of course, this is factored heavily into my decision to stay.

2) I am staying in, because I value being there for my son more than I value finding a series of plates.

3) Yes, new here. There are a sea of women out there, I agree, but I worry single ones will "fall in love", and cannot be trusted with an affair. In this case, she has some stuff to lose as well.

I appreciate your perspective.

T
Yikes...you are an attorney and you are willing to risk your marriage and career not for some 25-year-old prime HB9 piece of a-s-s but for an older married HB7 with a kid :confused:

If you're that desperate, wouldn't it be easier and safer to bang an escort?
 

tkazansky

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Yikes...you are an attorney and you are willing to risk your marriage and career not for some 25-year-old prime HB9 piece of a-s-s but for an older married HB7 with a kid :confused:

If you're that desperate, wouldn't it be easier and safer to bang an escort?
I wouldn't say totally willing. I thought I would reach out to the collective wisdom of the guys here to see what they thought. Certainly, the one-sided nature of the advice I received definitely gives me pause. I appreciate the honesty of the guys on this thread.

To me, an escort is not an option. Part of the issue in my situation is that when I do get action, it feels like she is making an accommodation, doing her chores, etc. I am looking for an experience where the other person is actually into it. It would be hard for me to believe that an escort would feel this way.

T
 

Machine10033

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I always say as long as you can handle the worst possible outcome.. then take the risk.

I have seen situations like this go South pretty quick.

maybe she is unhappy..... but is her husband.... no worse feeling than getting a call or text saying “ omg... my husband found out... he left the house with the kids and a shotgun and don’t know what he’s going it do”......

that happened with me...with a girl that specifically told me was separated...I couldn’t live with that on my conscience so from that point on... married women became ghosts to me!
 

EyeBRollin

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Abort. Eject. I’ll second the just bang an escort.

If you’re going to cheat, don’t make it a workplace affair. And she better be younger and hotter than your wife. And don’t simp on the broad either. Cheat in a way that increases your SMV, not decreases it. Your wife will be repulsed when you get caught banging this short fat black chick. She will go for the jugular in divorce court.
 

Pierce Manhammer

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I won’t tell you not to do it but I will say this:

1. depending on what state you live in assuming you’re in the United States, there could be legal repercussions to infidelity.

2. you could also end up with a bullet in the back your head.

3. I don’t know if you work in a small industry, but Mos in the streets have an inside grapevine. Most leaders for better or for worse are male, and most are married by the time they become leaders. You really don’t want to be identified as a “wife ****er”.

4. Regardless of how bad your marriage is, there is also the loss of honor. If you think you can live with this in order to wet your sausage, Then so be it.

5. I don’t know if you have children or if she does. But I want you to engage in the mental exercise of having to tell your children if you get caught. Think about the fact that they will never think the same of you. Cheating never it just affects the two people doing it.
 

Bokanovsky

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I wouldn't say totally willing. I thought I would reach out to the collective wisdom of the guys here to see what they thought. Certainly, the one-sided nature of the advice I received definitely gives me pause. I appreciate the honesty of the guys on this thread.

To me, an escort is not an option. Part of the issue in my situation is that when I do get action, it feels like she is making an accommodation, doing her chores, etc. I am looking for an experience where the other person is actually into it. It would be hard for me to believe that an escort would feel this way.

T
I guess the point that I'm making is that if you're going to steal a car and take it on a joy ride, at least steal a Ferrari, not a friggin' Kia Rio. If you want to deliberately wreck your life, do it in style.
 

Bigpapa

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I wouldn't say totally willing. I thought I would reach out to the collective wisdom of the guys here to see what they thought. Certainly, the one-sided nature of the advice I received definitely gives me pause. I appreciate the honesty of the guys on this thread.

To me, an escort is not an option. Part of the issue in my situation is that when I do get action, it feels like she is making an accommodation, doing her chores, etc. I am looking for an experience where the other person is actually into it. It would be hard for me to believe that an escort would feel this way.

T
The problem with coworkers is that they might catch feelings , not necessarily because you are an amazing human being , but because they need a distraction from their day to day lives

As an idea , If you genuinely like her , then proceed forward , but be sure to raise boundaries from the get go that this is only fwb
 
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