Advice - Exboyfriend calling my LTR

[eyedogg]

Gentleman,

It has been several months since I have posted here. Things are going well in a LTR that I have been in now for 5months. We are getting along well and things are good (over course we've had a few up's and down's, however that is real-life).


So w are both in our 30's and of course this means she has had previous boyfriends (I was married for 6yrs and divorced for the past 2yrs). This is my first LTR since that time and I am easing into some situations.

Here is what I need some advice on please:

My girl’s ex-boyfriend, whom she had a 5yr relationship with is "that guy" who will "never forget or stop loving her". He calls her cell phone and home phone a few times a year since they broke up over 2yrs ago.

We live in the same town and she has had the same two numbers for over 10yrs and does not like the idea of having to change it for this one ex.

She and he do not have a real friendship and there is not anything to "chat" about with him. So she has not been answering his calls. This seems to motivate him to keep calling her about 5-8 times a week. Of course, in the past, his only goal is - having her answer his call (his persistence is level is off the charts), and trying to get back with her. She knows this and thus is not answering his calls.

I have not made a big deal of this, however, I am beginning to get annoyed with his persistence and I am wondering what route I should take.

Here are a few ideas I have and I am open to any others:

- Have her answer his call and tell him to stop calling her (answering accomplishes one of his goals so that is a factor) or she will take further action.

- Have me answer her phone and let him know that he needs to stop calling (no threats or tough guy stuff, just a respectful request).

- Keep ignoring his calls (which will don’t seem to work?)

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Regards,
-eyedogg

 

[Bible_Belt]

Laugh at him together with her. That is all you need to do. Make a joke out of him.

 

[Phyzzle]

- Have her answer his call and tell him to stop calling her (answering accomplishes one of his goals so that is a factor) or she will take further action.

- Have me answer her phone and let him know that he needs to stop calling (no threats or tough guy stuff, just a respectful request).

- Keep ignoring his calls (which will don’t seem to work?)

Do option A. If that doesn't work, she can contact the police about a restraining order, but you guys need to start saving call logs (or whatever other evidence there is.)

You really don't want to do option B, because that's going to convince him that you alone are trying to force her to stop talking to him. In his mind, he will have to "help" her get away from her possessive new boyfriend any way he can.

 

[NewMan]

She needs to talk to him.

My guess is, she has not. She probably has been talking to him regularly - maybe even an FB situation prior to youy showing up. She needs to be clear to him.

This really is not your problem to solve.

 

[Bronxtal112]

In the same boat. Would like to hear more about this.

 

[GeorgeStrom]

5-8 times a week?

She's talking to him bro. Either through text or when you are not around.

This is the truth. Either accept it or not.

Once you realize this, you can start asking the right questions.

 

[Unprez]

ok dude... belive it or not its actually good thing....think of the scenario wr a loser hits on a girl in a club and then she clings to the guy who was chillin nearby..... the more her ex acts psycho the more she gonna feel that she got a better catch .. ok yea if he starts stalkin or somethin more serious than take action but enjoy the fact that she is prob gonna like u more man... i used to love beefin wit guys in my early 20s who hit my girl at the time but unless she is beggin for u to step in , dont bother

 

[decades]

she could end this right now by changing two phone numbers. my guess is she does not want to end this right now.

 

[jophil28]

she could end this right now by changing two phone numbers. my guess is she does not want to end this right now.

Yeah, it is a huge ego bloat for a woman in this position. SHe is in NO hurry to end his compulsive fawning. SHe must feel like a real prize.. Two men in her life !

I had this same deal a long time ago and I made the mistake of giving her an ultimatum...
"Call me back when you have told HIM never to call you again." and then I walked out and drove away. SHe did call him and tell him to desist, but something told me that she resented my taking a stand. It was NOT her choice to reject him out of her life ..it was my demand that motivated her to cut him off..

Today I would say nothing blunt but just hint that our relationship is NOT as committed as she would like because we are still in a triangle.
I would do a partial takeaway and start spending time with some random woman friend and explain to my SO that guys do not hound an ex G/f unless they want something sexual. I would say that ," Men rarely seek friendship with women . We are wired to pursue, subdue and f**K them. "

Then I would let her anxiety driven IMAGINATION do the work for me .

 

[Janez]

I believe the best thing you could do is to advice her to change her phone number or to block his phone number.

Changing phone number creates wonders. But just like men said before, the girl love attention. And I also agree that if he calls 5-8 times a week, she must definitely had had a contact with him in the past (close past, not like 2 years ago).

 

[IndianaJoneS]

I had a gf that kept contact with all of her ex. I was envious like hell and very uncool about it. And that was a mistake.

Why does it disturb you ? Don´t you feel "safe" in your relationship ? Don´t you feel loved by her ? Do you fear him (his ex) ? In fact I did, I was afraid, my ex girlfriend`s ex boyfriend (who dumped her) was better, stronger, masculiner etc. than me.

Are you afraid of him, or what is your problem ? When your girl loves you, there is nothing to fear. She gets just a little extra ego- boost from her ex chasing her...

 

[decades]

I would ask to see her phone records. "Let's take a look at this together hun". All in the name of an analysis by you of what you both should do. No ultimatums. If it turns out that they have been communicating and she has not been dis-inviting it, then you have a convo. You just say, "This is not what I envisioned for us My dear. For my own mental health, I want less drama in my love life. Relationships are hard enough and things would be a lot less complex for us if we didn't have to deal with this. I am willing to reexamine this whole thing again in the near future. But regardless hun, I plan to have a less complex love life from here on out."

 

[Mr. Me]

over course we've had a few up's and down's, however that is real-life

It's real life for couples who end up breaking up. How may times I've heard guys minimize the damage that's probably being done by rationalizing away the arguments and bad blood in a relationship while the woman is silently keeping track of it all and resentment is building inside her. Now I don't know if it's been mostly three downs to every one up or not, or how bad the downs get or how ridiculous the arguments may be, but ultimately it's not going to be your take on it that matters, it's gonna be her take on it that will be the final story.

So when I see that her ex is calling and she doesn't want to change her number because it's too much fuss, makes me think "she's not that crazy about the current relationship, unbeknownst to you, and keeping the ex on hold in the event of an emergency. The d1ck in the glass sort of thing."

Now, if that's her mind set, ain't nothing you can say will change that. She'll just hide it better from you and lie. So all you can change is what you do. Maybe lighten up on the arguing? Maybe also take a few steps back in this relationship and create a little distance, see if she fills in the void or not.

 

[Bible_Belt]

So...what's your ex-wife up to these days? I bet she would love to hear from you.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Mr. Me is spot on about ups & downs in a relationship--they shouldn't be there. Once you are married, that's different story--but those ups and downs will be about financial matters and raising kids and whatnot. Having ups and downs now is a sign that you two lack the strong foundation needed for a relationship to survive. This situation with the ex is one such example.

She can easily take the necessary steps to rid herself (and you) of this nuisance, but she hasn't. That is disrespectful to you, and I would let her know that. You don't need to walk away or threaten to break up--the fact that this is an issue that bothers you with a simple solution should be enough of a motivator for her--if she is committed to this LTR. Period. There's no gray area here.

Ex's in the background (and orbiter AFC's, for that matter) will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but weaken and, if the opportunity arises, destroy a relationship--that's their sole aim. Don't try to rationalize them as harmless or a laughing matter.

I don't believe that she is currently talking to him--he would not be calling so frequently if it wasn't one sided--but she obviously did something to feed this persistence in the past, and obviously enjoys knowing that she was able to drive a man to such AFC behavior. If she values this little game more than your relationship, then you need to get out of there. She's old enough to know better.

I would say that if this is still an issue a month down the line, then you are in for serious trouble in the future.

 

[guru1000]

Pick up the phone and be cordial.

"Hello, whose calling? One second, let me get her for you."

Give her the phone and let them speak. If she does not adamantly insist that he ceases calling, walk away. This girl is not a worthwhile investment.

If she asks him to stop calling and he calls again then it becomes your responsibility as he is disrespecting your relationship. Handle your business.

If you discover at any point that she speaks to him while you are not around, walk away and do not return.

 

[godofanxiety]

I was in a similar situation. My ex had an ex-long distance-bf whose persistence level was "off the charts", as she told me. Turns out that they never broke up and she was planning on visiting him eventually... I'm not saying it's the same in your case, my ex was a real piece of work, but you'd do well to look into it.

 

[mrRuckus]

and explain to my SO that guys do not hound an ex G/f unless they want something sexual. I would say that ," Men rarely seek friendship with women . We are wired to pursue, subdue and f**K them. "

I've never seen a woman just accept this. They always try to bring up exceptions.

 

[eyedogg]

All,

Thank you kindly for everyone's input on this situation. There is some really good advice.

The points on the "ups & downs" was really good and I didnt think to much about it when I typed it. The downs have made our relationship stronger, however, it is a point well taken since we are not married.

I do not believe she is talking to him since we have been together. It's his AFC persistance and I believe she needs to just be clear and tell him to stop calling her.

How I am going to ask that of her is key. And, if I am there when the conversation goes down. I trust her enough that I feel I dont "have" to be there in person.

Thanks again everyone - great stuff.

Bronxtal112 - hope you were helped out as well.

-eyedogg

 

[speed dawg]

I do not believe she is talking to him since we have been together. It's his AFC persistance and I believe she needs to just be clear and tell him to stop calling her.

How I am going to ask that of her is key. And, if I am there when the conversation goes down. I trust her enough that I feel I dont "have" to be there in person.

Eyedogg, you aren't hearing the advice. You're listening, but you aren't hearing it.

If she's not talking to him, or at least leaving the door open, the guy will quit trying. You are not helping your situation to worry about it and try to fix it yourself. You can't. And by doing this, your lower confidence in the relationship will bleed through in other aspects, thereby giving the ex or anybody else more power over you.

I've been in your shoes, and I've been in the AFC ex-boyfriend's shoes. When I kept calling and the girl wasn't interested, I got the cold cold shoulder ie she didn't pick up the phone at all, or got told I shouldn't call for months while she figured things out, etc. When I was actually still one of the girl's backburner plates, she'd answer the phone but blow me off. You see the game. Girls communicate very clearly through their actions and subconscious.

Best way for you to handle it is to forget it. I've tried to "fight the battle" against some AFC ex for the girl and it almost ALWAYS lowered the girl's interest level in me. Control yourself and do not try to control the girl. Enjoy the relationship instead of focusing on keeping it at all costs. Don't even acknowledge all the ex-bf crap.