Advice dealing with woman just out of LD-LTR.

[Nemic]

So chick I NEXT'd due to being in a relationship is suddenly out of said relationship. From what I gathered was a 2 year LTR, and ended badly and abruptly about a week ago.

She moved here from Illinois bout 4 months ago, and I don't think he lived here, but they commuted to see each other often. Guessing the Long distance wasn't flying for him anymore. Shes late 20s, and was prob expecting marriage.

I made a good impression when we first met, but didn't pursue after I found out she was in a LTR. I kept in touch for hobby reasons (volleyball). The last time I asked her to come play ball, she tells me shes depressed & just broke up, and not sure if she will.

I end up setting up an outing planned with her this weekend, and am looking for some high level do's & don'ts with a chick on the rebound. At this point I have nothing invested in her, and still have yet to see her vb skills, so not worried about a loss, but like the idea of a potential plate.

My gut feeling is she is looking for a backup guy to re-validate her whom happens to be me. I know I have not been FZd, and she is interested, but I am pretty sure emotionally shes tied up with her Ex still.

I'm Planning on The outing to be a group outing with some good friends (guys & gals both) to an all request live band bar. Knowing I'm the backup is kind of a challenge to avoid AFC is every way. I think best case I can get a plate going, worst case I get FZ'd and have another chick for my coed VB teams.

Any specific advice?
Avoid any conversations to do with her relationship. Not going to let her train-wreck the night with BS about her Ex. Casually change subjects if she brings anything like that up, or tries to compare people to him. I'll even call her on it if she does it more then once.
Others?

 

[Iceberg]

I'd say that planning a group outing is a bad way to get close to one particular woman. But whatever. What's done is done.

What you said is right. Don't let her get into the ex boyfriend talk. Just treat her like any other girl you're gaming. One of the things that I sometimes see on this site is a guy making excuses for a woman coming out of a LTR - "She has trust issues, so I don't want to push too hard." "She was hurt before." Screw that. We've all been hurt before. No excuses. She's a grownup. She doesn't get special treatment because of a breakup.

If by some chance she does bring up the ex, just play around with her. "Hm yea. This is really killing the vibe." Or "You're out with me. You're having a great time. Everything is awesome. Let's not talk about sad stuff." It's just a way of reminding her that you're a source of fun, and not some wimpy shoulder to cry on.

 

[Kailex]

So chick I NEXT'd due to being in a relationship is suddenly out of said relationship. From what I gathered was a 2 year LTR, and ended badly and abruptly about a week ago.

Already I can tell you: DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED.
Women are fickle.
Women on the rebound... EVEN more. Her emotions about you could change in a second and if the ex decides to come back into the picture, you will be trampled.

She moved here from Illinois bout 4 months ago, and I don't think he lived here, but they commuted to see each other often. Guessing the Long distance wasn't flying for him anymore. Shes late 20s, and was prob expecting marriage.

Whatever you do... remember to please use your own condoms... if you get that far.
A scorned woman in her late 20's is the easiest way to get strung up for 18 years of child support. A single woman in her late 20's who has just been DUMPED is now realizing that she wasted all of her "time invested" in her relationship. They KNOW their window of opportunity is closing. So do not also be surprised that if you two do get to have sexual intercourse... that she gets clingy.

I don't fear women, but that woman nearing 30 who is realizing that 35 is pretty much her cut-off age is the most dangerous one out there.

I made a good impression when we first met, but didn't pursue after I found out she was in a LTR. I kept in touch for hobby reasons (volleyball). The last time I asked her to come play ball, she tells me shes depressed & just broke up, and not sure if she will.

I end up setting up an outing planned with her this weekend, and am looking for some high level do's & don'ts with a chick on the rebound. At this point I have nothing invested in her, and still have yet to see her vb skills, so not worried about a loss, but like the idea of a potential plate.

Again: Leave emotional investment out of this.
I know you haven't said anything about it... but just a friendly reminder.

My gut feeling is she is looking for a backup guy to re-validate her whom happens to be me. I know I have not been FZd, and she is interested, but I am pretty sure emotionally shes tied up with her Ex still.

#1 - Back-up guy
#2 - Possible 18-year child support material
#3 - Emotional validation and even "revenge" on her ex
#4 - Emotional tampon
#5 - Maybe a positive scenario (who knows)

I'm Planning on The outing to be a group outing with some good friends (guys & gals both) to an all request live band bar. Knowing I'm the backup is kind of a challenge to avoid AFC is every way. I think best case I can get a plate going, worst case I get FZ'd and have another chick for my coed VB teams.

Why a group outing?
You are risking a Friendzone already.

She could use you for social proof to meet other guys that could be better prospects. If you really want a plate, avoid the social group outing... cancel it... and meet her 1 on 1. I don't like these group outings. They can lead to disaster. Specially if one of your "good friends" decides to act like a jerk and wants to hit on her right in front of you.

Any specific advice?
Avoid any conversations to do with her relationship. Not going to let her train-wreck the night with BS about her Ex. Casually change subjects if she brings anything like that up, or tries to compare people to him. I'll even call her on it if she does it more then once.
Others?

Be sexual.
Be a man.
Don't talk about her past.
Be fun.
Be exciting.
DHV.
Kino.
Kino.
Kino.
Kino.
Kino.


Got it?

 

[Nemic]

Already I can tell you: DO NOT GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED.
Women are fickle.
Women on the rebound... EVEN more. Her emotions about you could change in a second and if the ex decides to come back into the picture, you will be trampled.

I'm fully aware to not get emotionally involved. I know she is rebounding, and I just want to be the guy she can have "fun" with during said time. I know she is likely incapable of emotionally investing in me, so by no means would I even try to invest in her. I'm going to try to keep it as sexual as I can, and push my limits with her.

Whatever you do... remember to please use your own condoms... if you get that far.
A scorned woman in her late 20's is the easiest way to get strung up for 18 years of child support. A single woman in her late 20's who has just been DUMPED is now realizing that she wasted all of her "time invested" in her relationship. They KNOW their window of opportunity is closing. So do not also be surprised that if you two do get to have sexual intercourse... that she gets clingy.

I don't fear women, but that woman nearing 30 who is realizing that 35 is pretty much her cut-off age is the most dangerous one out there.

I agree. And good point with condoms. Read enough threads here and I have taken the stance I refuse to use any but my own condoms. I have 1 Kid, and thats all I want for the time being.

One of the facebook posts by one of her friends was some comic titled "Let's stop rushing to find husbands and start rushing to freeze our eggs." I seriously chuckled to myself realizing how true that prob is for this chick.

Again: Leave emotional investment out of this.
I know you haven't said anything about it... but just a friendly reminder.



#1 - Back-up guy
#2 - Possible 18-year child support material
#3 - Emotional validation and even "revenge" on her ex
#4 - Emotional tampon
#5 - Maybe a positive scenario (who knows)

I don't exactly follow the list.
#1 I know I'm the backup guy at this point
#2 def utilizing my own protection
#3 I'm betting shes bitter right now, but wants to have fun, and a good fsck is a pretty good all purpose fun evening.
#4 Not going to let her spew emotions all over me. Past is over, Present is what matters. I'm here, she's here, go from there. Show her a good fun time without history and go from there.
#5 Take back my worst case. I'm going to either crash and burn trying to bag this chick, or fsck her. It will end awkwardly or hot and steamy. No middle ground this time round. Either way I will learn something.

Why a group outing?
You are risking a Friendzone already.

She could use you for social proof to meet other guys that could be better prospects. If you really want a plate, avoid the social group outing... cancel it... and meet her 1 on 1. I don't like these group outings. They can lead to disaster. Specially if one of your "good friends" decides to act like a jerk and wants to hit on her right in front of you.

Was a stupid thought on my part, and it only came up since I was with friends at the time saying WE NEED TO GO OUT! and I was buzzed and didn't think about it. I'm going to change of plans with my friends and just the two of us go.

Be sexual.
Be a man.
Don't talk about her past.
Be fun.
Be exciting.
DHV.
Kino.
Kino.
Kino.
Kino.
Kino.


Got it?

Got it. Now to just implement without AFC fscking it up for me.

 

[Nemic]

Field Report on DAte

Date was for saturday, I completely forgot to confirm with her on thursday, and friday I get a txt with her confirming with me.

Plan is to meet at my place around 8, head downtown. around 6 she txts me
"its ****ty outside" we had a cold rain come in, and it was kinda ****ty. I took this as "I don't want to do what we planned" I call her, harass her for being from chicago, and not handling the cold.

She suggests we go watch the UFC fight somewhere, I counter lets go play pool then go watch the match. Shes down with this.

-----
So thing start out well. shes ontime to my place, and looks very nice. at this point I've only seen her for like 5 mins once before, in VB clothes.

We goto the pool hall, and start talking, I keep looking for ways/reasons to kino, but nothing felt right. She is a good pool player and kicks my ass. Shes showing IOIs (playing with hair, smiling, etc) and she RARELY breaks eye contact. Eye contact was crazy all night. As we play, find out she went out last night was pretty hammered, and only running on like 4 hrs of sleep due to her dogs.

we leave the pool hall, head to a sports bar to watch the UFC fight that had it on. Sit across from each other, and conversation continues. Find out a TON of details, as she is a talker. some highlights

4 MOnths ago, was in a 3 year LTR that she thought was marriage. Was going badly, she got the job here, told him, and he didn't care. So she moved.

Like 1-2 weeks LATER, she MOVES IN with a NEW Boyfriend, signed a lease & everything. Tells me her brother helped her move, and told her face to face "You are a ****ing idiot" I told her I agreed with her brothers assessment.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, middle of the night, her new BF up and moves out, tells her its over, etc. and this ****ed with her pretty bad, since she thought "everything was great". She has a large social circle and some of them took her out friday night to get her out of the house, since place of 4 months was with someone else.

She wouldn't talk about the Ex specificly, but she wandered there. it wasn't like she stayed on the Ex topic, she just constantly would drift to a detail from a related subject, but not focus on it. I said a few times "that's over, we're here, so forget about him" She's hung up still, but hes NC'd her other then an email saying he'll cover his 1/2 of the "financial" commitment he made, but to put the utils in her name.

By the end of the night she was exhausted, and It wasn't a bad date, but I didn't instill anything unique in her about myself. She knew I had a kid, and that I'm going through a Divorce, and nether fact bothered her. her Ex of 3 years had a kid too.

Personal Lessons:
Gotta Kino more. LOTS more. I got a really big hug at the end of the night, and said she is interested in doing something again. I totaly AFCd at the end, and I don't remember making eye contact with her when she was leaving (mostly cause I was thinking all the **** I did wrong during the night)

I had a few moments to turn it sexual, and I AFCd all of them. I'm glad I did at least have the thoughts cross my mind though. I did really enjoy the time with her, but beyond volleyball, we have nothing in common. Theres physical attraction, but she wants to get married, its obvious. My guess thats why her Ex dropped her. she was going HOT AND HEAVY on it and he was all "WTF, its been 4 months!" like any sane man would be.

My frame failures started when she said she had to go home and take care of her dogs. Next time I'll pick her up at her place, and try to finish the outing there. My simple AFC mind just blocked myself from pushing cause I immediately went to the thought of "well shes not coming back to my house" and shut my own game down.

More proof inner game is more important than anything else.

So good learning experience, and now to just play the numbers game. I can prob get a 2nd date out of her, and do some serious escalation, but I'm on the LJBF line right now.

I don't feel like I put her on a pedestal or anything, talked to her/jabbed at her like an acquaintance from work or something.

My next opportunity for a date is going to be Tuesday night. Offer to pick her up & take her to Volleyball, play a bit, then drink, then back to her place. I'm very much more confident when volleyball is the context. I know my ****, and make it known I can play. I'm kind of a situational alpha in my volleyball circles. Thats where I made my first impression on her, and I know the reason she even considered a date with me.

I txt'd her "Tuesday lets play, I'll pick you up around 6, and we'll see how good you are"

Assume the sale!
Follow up later.

 

[Iceberg]

Date was for saturday.....

Just for starters, it's good that you're putting yourself out there and trying to meet girls.

Now for the negatives...

Find out a TON of details, as she is a talker. some highlights

4 MOnths ago, was in a 3 year LTR that she thought was marriage. Was going badly, she got the job here, told him, and he didn't care. So she moved.

Like 1-2 weeks LATER, she MOVES IN with a NEW Boyfriend, signed a lease & everything. Tells me her brother helped her move, and told her face to face "You are a ****ing idiot" I told her I agreed with her brothers assessment.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, middle of the night, her new BF up and moves out, tells her its over, etc. and this ****ed with her pretty bad, since she thought "everything was great". She has a large social circle and some of them took her out friday night to get her out of the house, since place of 4 months was with someone else.

A - This sounds like a conversation between friends. Like if me and one of my buddies were talking about relationship issues over a few beers, complaining about women. This is NOT date talk.

B - This girl sounds like a lunatic. I don't know how lonely or desperate you are, but it's not worth it. Moving in with a dude after dating a few weeks...and THEN telling you about it as if it's normal. That's crazy.

By the end of the night she was exhausted, and It wasn't a bad date, but I didn't instill anything unique in her about myself. She knew I had a kid, and that I'm going through a Divorce, and nether fact bothered her. her Ex of 3 years had a kid too.

Sounds like a bad date to me. Nothing sexual happened. Lots of talk about past relationships. And you discovered that she's a f**king nutjob.

 

[Nemic]

Just for starters, it's good that you're putting yourself out there and trying to meet girls.

Now for the negatives...

Yeah, small steps. I'm not looking for anything serious, just trying to get back out there. Feels like so much of the 'singles' life has changed in addition to me changing since I was last single. Now to start some serious cold approaches..

Sounds like a bad date to me. Nothing sexual happened. Lots of talk about past relationships. And you discovered that she's a f**king nutjob.

Yeah, after talking to a buddy of mine we agreed it was more like 'friends' and less like a date, and that she is a ****ing nut. Not going to persue her, just use her for Volleyball, as she has skill. I'm just glad I was at least thinking these things during the conversations about how this chick is bat**** insane.

 

[Kailex]

I agree with Iceberg, the fact that you are putting yourself out there is a good thing... but agree with the other point as well... you should have nipped that "ex" ordeal in the butt a LOT sooner.

Of course, she ended up the night exhausted. She gave you a detailed view of her last two failed relationships in the span of one night. I'm exhausted just from reading it.

And she moved in with a boyfriend after 2 weeks?

And then he moved out almost immediately after?

YIKES.

Even if things were to go through with this girl, there's no way I'd plow past the "FB" stage.

All in all, good learning experience for you, Nemic.

 

[Nemic]

I'd rather be with a girl still IN an LTR than just out of one. Discuss :crazy:

Wouldn't mind, but my game isn't to that point yet!

took some notes on something awhile ago that always seems to ring true
"• Women would rather share a successful man than be attached to a faithful loser."

 

[Nemic]

Updates on bat$hit VBHB.

We played VB last night, since I needed to evaluate her ability if I want her on my teams or not. I picked her up at her place (which is OTW to the gym), cause, well I'm a horny AFC bastard, even if I shouldn't pursue this.

Go to her place, knock, she answers, her dogs go bonkers, and she is on the phone. She stays on the phone while we go to my car, and start driving to VB. I think she was on the phone with her brother. She gets off the phone like 5 mins later, I tell her "going to talk all night, and ignore me?" she laughs, apologizes, and we proceed to VB.

She was kinda.. timid at first afraid I was judging her skill (which I was), so she wasn't relaxed at first. Was funny seeing her flustered. After we warm up, we start to play.

Every time she would make a good play, or I would, she would look my way and wink at me. I didn't think anything of it at first, cause I'm there to play VB.

In between games we conversed with other people and I introduced her to various people. Once was with a VB buddy who was telling us about his FL home where he and his wife go during winter, house on beach, ball every day, etc. She makes the comment to him while touching me "Can we go with you next time?". She says a similar comment later along the same lines about another VB tourny in FL. Hindsight should have said something like "wait, who says I want to go with YOU?" in a C&F type manor.

There were a few other moments she would make or say something that could be taken as innuendo, but I just wasn't focused on it. After one comment she made "you know how I am *wink*" my close vb chick friend gave me the eyes at the implications. But I just didnt' capitalize.

We did dinner after that with some of my friends, and talked VB like crazy. She knows I have a VB passion now for sure. God thinking about all the missed opprotunites I had last night even at dinner. feel like a moron.

Overall I think she will do well on my VB team, but I'm not going to be heartbroken if she doesn't play. I'm going to try one more time to date her, as I think she is def into me, dispite my non-sexual demeanor around her. I will really focus on escalating and go in with the midset She should think I'm an ******* or be all over me by the end of the date. If it blows up, I have fallback chicks for VB, otherwise, I could possibly get a weekly lay out of it if I can get some balls.

Lesson Learned
Pay attention to her actions, and capitalize on them and make things sexual.

-The Epicly failing Nemic

-Edit PS:
She didn't talk about any Ex's at all last night, which is the one thing I felt like I was prepared to deal with if it happened.