Acting like a stupid AFC, I just rejected a girl and I feel like total crap ....

[rgeere]

I was sitting around near the cafeteria shop when a girl I had just met came up to me and lifted up my hat. I looked around and saw her and she placed the hat back on my head.

Her: How are you doing?
Me: Great, and how are you?
Her: Just fine except that I almost chopped off a finger today at work. I didn't cry, though.
Me: Good for you ... Though I have had many mishaps here at the cafe when I worked here two years ago for a semester.
Her: What happened?
Me: Well, you know around where the area is where the big trays come down. I gashed my head open while backing into one of the ledges back there and had to get a couple of staple stiches into my head.

About this time her order was called and she went to get her food, and came back.

Her: So, what's with this bag you carry around, you big mysterious guy.
Her: May I look into your bag, and maybe solve the mystery?

About this time some anxiety came over me and I had this overwhelming fear of allowing her to look into my bag. I couldn't let her do it.

Me: No, you may not...

Well, she got this sad look in her eye and softly said "bye" and departed.

Now I feel like total crap because I made her feel rejected like that when I didn't have to.

I guess I just have this horrible fear of rejection and intimacy still. It's the only thing that has really kept me from getting anything more than one-night-stands and I am still acting like an AFC because of it...

Screw sex, any idiot can get sex, and I've had enough of using these manipulative tactics I've been using to get sex, it's not worthwhile.

Man, I know I am capable of acting like a DJ. I have acted like a DJ, and I know what I want from life. I just can't seem to solve this fear problem I have. It's horrible.

I hate whinning, and I would rather have a solution somehow. I guess I am just going to have to learn to take more risk with my relationships.


And by the way, she didn't want anything from me. She has been trying to get intimate with me for a while, and was the one that hugged me last night and is always following me around.

She was trying to get close no doubt...

 

[m4a1]

I don't think you "rejected" her.

An average chump would have said "Yes, look in my bag", you didn't say that, good..

I would have said "no" too, but in a playful way, so either she's too sensitive or you said it in a bad way.

 

[TheNonPedant]

so learn from it and solve your problems. Eat up that emotional pain....we all go through it....but its good for ya.

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by m4a1
I don't think you "rejected" her.

An average chump would have said "Yes, look in my bag", you didn't say that, good..

I would have said "no" too, but in a playful way, so either she's too sensitive or you said it in a bad way.

I don't feel bead because I told her no. I feel bad because it seems as though she is trying to get close to me and I keep doing things to keep her at a distance. In fact, this has been a consistent pattern in my life and my whole life in fact.

Every girl that has had interest in me I have rejected and every girl I have had interest in has rejected me.

I didn't even really ever have a good relationship with my parents, there were things growing up I would not tell them about and they never asked, so I kept everything to myself.

Then they divorced, and I didn't see my father for 6 years and meanwhile my mother married a man who wanted to get rid of me, so I had to move out at 17 years old after being feed up from being emotionally abused and harrased by him.

I'm going to stop. I hate whinning, though this does make me feel really down. You guys probably don't need to know anymore anyways. It's not helping things.

 

[Ever onward]

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET THE GIRL LOOK IN YOUR BAG!

 

[MrCode]

I don't know, I would also have said no, because that is just nosy and lame for some chic to want to do that. Even if everything in your bag is fine (no porno mags or vibrators or whatever you'd be embarrassed of), there still is no reason to let her do that.

But there are oodles of C&F responses to that. I'll spit out a few:

• "Sure, if I can look in your pants first."
• "OK, but you have to do it in the nude."
• "Sure, but only back at your place."
• "Show me your ass and you can look in my bag."

So don't beat yourself up rgeere.

But to address the larger problem, I know how you feel man. My history isn't as bad as yours, but I still have some issues with intimacy and some unfounded hatred for women. I'm still sorting this stuff out myself, so I can't give much advice, but rest assured you aren't alone in this.

 

[jason86]

Is that how you really talked to her? You sound quite formal and very boring. Just chill out a bit.

Im not surprised she left the scene. When someone replies 'no you may not'... it does come off as quite serious.

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by jason86
Is that how you really talked to her? You sound quite formal and very boring. Just chill out a bit.

Im not surprised she left the scene. When someone replies 'no you may not'... it does come off as quite serious.

No, normally I come off as mysterious and ****y ... I am trying to learn how to build repore without necessarily coming off like some elusive arrogant guy. I might not being doing a very good job of it.

 

[SageOFAllenAge]

Originally posted by MrCode

But there are oodles of C&F responses to that. I'll spit out a few:

• "Sure, if I can look in your pants first."
• "OK, but you have to do it in the nude."
• "Sure, but only back at your place."
• "Show me your ass and you can look in my bag."

So don't beat yourself up rgeere.

Those responses seem inappropriate & rude esp. when used on a HB acquaintance.

 

[MindOverMatter]

we're all ignoring the main question.

what's in the bag??

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by MindOverMatter
we're all ignoring the main question.

what's in the bag??

Basically my school books and some disorganized papers. If I knew that my bookbag was kept neater I probably wouldn't have had a problem showing her anything. I guess you can say I have a perfectionist personality that stems from a fear of rejection, but I sabbotage myself.

 

[MrCode]

Originally posted by SageOFAllenAge
Those responses seem inappropriate & rude esp. when used on a HB acquaintance.

It was rude of her to ask to look in his bag. Someone who is asking that seems to be pretty comfortable with him, so if he said what I described in a funny and sarcastic way, it probably would have worked better than "no you may not."

 

[rgeere]

Originally posted by MrCode
It was rude of her to ask to look in his bag. Someone who is asking that seems to be pretty comfortable with him, so if he said what I described in a funny and sarcastic way, it probably would have worked better than "no you may not."

She wanted to hug me last night and is always hanging around and bugging me. So, she definatelly likes and feels comfortable around me.

 

[TheInfamousCBear]

Just relax and see if she still comes around to talk to you later...One time, there was this girl that liked me but was playing games, so I sprayed her with spit in front of everyone and she still talked to me afterwords...

 

[squirrels]

I wouldn't worry about it.

She really doesn't have any business looking in your bag.

And as someone already said, a C&F response would be appropriate here.

Me, I'd just grin and say, "Hmm...I dunno if I know you well enough to give up my secrets just yet."

It was probably your insecurity that affected the WAY you said it and chased her off.

 

[Hollowpoint]

Me: No, you may not...

Tone, my brother, tone.



Dude you need to relax a bit, there are some good people out there. Don't let your past hold you back like that.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Stop your worrying and focus on what you learned from the experience:
1) You still have a hang up about rejection, both to you and from you. Stop focusing on the negative aspects. You just came across a situation that didn't work, stop taking it personally.

2) If someone asks to do something that you aren't crazy about, consider asking they why they would like to do it. You may be surprised at their reason to do so has nothing to do with what you are assuming.

Basically, stop thinking that every experience is Win or Loose. Start trying to see it as Win or LEARN.

 

[DJBen]

Wow, a girl worked off. Why? Cause she didnt look in your bag. If thats all you have to beat yourself up over, you're one lucky mofo.

I'd have let her look in. Really shouldnt be a problem. Just learn for your experience... were you COMFORTABLE with her asking. Yes, sorta? Now you know what to do next time. No/Not really? Find out why and overcome the problem.

 

[rgeere]

Yeah, I guess I am rather hard on myself. But then, that's probsbly why I am coming off so insecure all the time when dealing with these girls. I will have to learn how to accept myself for who I am.