Abundance and lingering feelings

[SteR]

So I ended a brief relationship with a girl a good ~6 months ago and I hate to admit it, but I still suffer from bouts of sadness when I dwell on how things ended with her.

Since that time I've been involved with other girls, but nobody else has even come close to the quality of this girl. The trouble here isn't abundance. I'm capable of and have met multiple women during the time between things ended between us, but I struggle with finding a similar connection.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before?

At the moment, the only way I can think of dealing with this is to remain patient and hope eventually someone better will come along, but it'd be nice to rid myself of these feelings somehow. Getting involved with other women clearly isn't helping.

 

[sazc]

why did you end it?

 

[SteR]

why did you end it?

Well I met her in a different country and had some good times there, but then she had to move back to her own country. We agreed I'd go over there to try and make a go of things but the whole thing fell apart.

I just saw some photos pop up on social media which is what's triggered all of this. It's a little painful.

 

[sazc]

Well I met her in a different country and had some good times there, but then she had to move back to her own country. We agreed I'd go over there to try and make a go of things but the whole thing fell apart.

I just saw some photos pop up on social media which is what's triggered all of this. It's a little painful.

based on your response there I would say that you are projecting. you are fantasizing how it could have been when you really dont know. We females do this a lot.

explain/define how it "fell apart"

 

[SteR]

Ah, don't get me wrong, the relationship was doomed - I don't want it back.

The trouble is she was a good woman; she had a lot of good qualities.

Now I have no trouble finding women.. The problem is finding women of that calibre again. All the girls I've met since have paled in comparison. And of course, seeing pictures of her today on social media put that idea back into my thoughts..

 

[sazc]

you are projecting (fantasizing) a relationship that has never happened instead of/as a way of dealing with the difficulties of what a real relationship can bring.

my opinion

 

[Chev.Chelios]

Best advice iv found anywhere on the net about breakups, are from the rsd guys. HANDS DOWN BEST ADVICE..

Anywho, youre right! Abundance cannot replace a loved one, ever.
If your mother died noone on earth can replace her.
If your best friend since childhood betrayed you, You cant just go and find another.
Same with a woman you love. Losing that woman is the same as losing a family member
and no amount of pickup, or hooking up with other girls will NOT replace her.

Its a long morning process, Its happened to me alot in my life, but there always was one better out there.
Youre mind plays some serious voodoo, ultimately youre brain sets meaning on things.
We are all just humans walking around on the big ugly earth.

if youre mom died when you were a baby you wouldnt really care when you grew up.
No emotional trauma was induced.. She dies when youre 10 or something, and youre severely fcked up.

You meet a chick and fall madly in love, youre psyche places all these attachments onto HER.
when she leaves you CRAVE her like a damn drug.
This indicates some soul work is to be done. In the long run nobody deserves so much attention.
Not the most beautiful, lovliest, hottest horniest slvt in the universe doesnt deserve such severe attachments
from a man. Shes simply a woman that will die one day just like yourself.


ehh im rambling like an idiot tonight...

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

It depends what you take to be fundamental.

If we are built primarily for relationships with others, then we will interpret the pain of loss quite differently to the RSD types who lack this social/ humanist worldview [they started with selling a skill, and sadly ended with pushing a self-contained ideology]. They have a more economic and individualist worldview which teaches guys to harden up against the natural tendencies we have toward intimacy.

Now this may be a peripheral truth for your casual encounters. A problem may arise however when it is extrapolated into a central truth. Take the model of the old Jewish Temple and apply it to relationships; outside the walls is the marketplace, inside is the 'holies' where relationships become more significant, and then there is the holy of holies..... You get the drift; a series of concentric circles, where the more innermost ones enjoy intimacy.

 

[resilient]

SteR, it's normal man. I kinda think Desdinova's HST thread applies here too. This former chick in your mind is pretty high up there on satisfying main plate status compared to the others you've dated recently even though the relationship ended six months ago. It would probably take a while to go through 'meh' plates until you find someone that challenges this chick's former glory of top of your list. Good luck out there in the dating game. I've dated a few women after my divorce, yet no one that excites me enough while both feeling mutual attraction to elevate to main plate / ltr.

 

[Tom Shivoe]

I had 3 great dates with a girl I met through OLD, then fcuked it up on the 4th date by turning up hung over and shattered after a big night with my mates the previous night. It was a big date, our first at the weekend, and she'd made clear our activity was going to mean something to her. So, no excuses, I screwed up. She flaked on the next date and I haven't heard from her since. That was a couple of weeks ago. I haven't recontacted her even though I am kicking myself.

I admit I've been tempted to get back in touch because I told myself I felt a much stronger "connection" with this lady than with others I've dated in the 4 months since I got back into the game, including 1 since my screw-up (earlier this evening in fact). I hadn't realised the "connection" thing could be a big deal for guys until this thread.

Don't want to hijack the thread, but I'm interested in thoughts / views on whether an apology (let's face it, with ulterior motive) is justifiable in my situation. I kinda feel she's owed an apology anyway. My best course of action right now seems to me to be a straight apology (although it's now perhaps a little late in the day) without explicitly begging for another date but mentioning I regret my behaviour because I thought we had both been having a great time.