I was writing this as a response in a thread about some guy who is obsessed with a girl who is "different." She's his oneitis and he has to have her. I decided this is general enough to be a thread on its own on how having a oneitis illustrates that you just don't get how you're supposed to interact with women.
. . . that you HAVE to have this girl who only sees you as a friend showcases that you don't really get how the interaction between girls and boys is supposed to work. Fixating on a girl who you will (likely) never have is not how you're supposed to act. You have to kill that part of you. The part that fixates on a girl who doesn't really like you.
I used to develop oneitis for a girl and talk to her all the time and get secretly angry when she dated some other guy. I'd tell her things to try to sabotage her relationships by withholding approval of guys who were probably pretty ok dudes.
What you need to get in your head is that in any interaction between a guy and a girl, for things to go well there has to be a mutual attraction. This isn't something that you can wholly control. You have to like her, she has to like you. There're guys on this site that will tell you you can get ANY girl you want. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that you shouldn't underestimate that YOU are only one half of this equation.
The girl is a different person with different things she's attracted to, different norms, all sort of stuff going on in her head. She's not a formula or an automaton. You can't control her. You can't MAKE someone like you.
The best you can do is be yourself and see if she likes that (I'm a big fan of just be yourself. I don't lie to women. If I'm willing to be myself and see if she likes that, I'm ultimately saving myself loads of hassle and pain). If she doesn't like you, it's likely not anything personal, and you should just move on to someone who IS into who you are. I've learned that this is a big deal. Just because a girl doesn't like you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It doesn't mean you aren't doing the right things, and treating her the right way. She's got what she's into and what she isn't. If you don't quite fit that criteria, it's no reflection of who you are, it just means that what you are isn't what she's into. It's a matter of taste on her part, short and simple.
If she doesn't like you, you will do nothing but cause yourself a lot of pain by sticking around and hoping that she will, eventually, like you. You're not really living your life when you're doing this. If a girl isn't attracted to you, you HAVE to move on.
Trying to work out some attack plan to make THIS girl like you is just bad for business. There are plenty of women who, if given the chance, would like you as you are right now. Those are the women you need to be talking to, not the ones who aren't attracted to you.
It's crass to say, "the best way to get over one girl is to get under another one," but it is best to just get out there and meet lots of other girls and see how you like them. So long as you're open to meeting someone and willing to grab your balls and show them you are interested, you'll find someone you like sooner rather than later (that's a big lesson I've learned this past year of my life. There are plenty of great, available women out there who are just waiting for a guy like me. All I have to do is grab my balls and not be afraid to show them I'm interested.)
So quit calling your oneitis. I'm not saying she's never going to like you, but how long are you willing to wait to find this out? Meet some other girls, get some phone numbers, flirt a little bit, and I'll gaurantee you'll be over the oneitis in no time.
Quit thinking about how to get her, and start thinking about the thousands of other girls out there who would be happy to have you with much less effort. It's either that, or be miserable for a few more months (or years).
. . . that you HAVE to have this girl who only sees you as a friend showcases that you don't really get how the interaction between girls and boys is supposed to work. Fixating on a girl who you will (likely) never have is not how you're supposed to act. You have to kill that part of you. The part that fixates on a girl who doesn't really like you.
I used to develop oneitis for a girl and talk to her all the time and get secretly angry when she dated some other guy. I'd tell her things to try to sabotage her relationships by withholding approval of guys who were probably pretty ok dudes.
What you need to get in your head is that in any interaction between a guy and a girl, for things to go well there has to be a mutual attraction. This isn't something that you can wholly control. You have to like her, she has to like you. There're guys on this site that will tell you you can get ANY girl you want. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that you shouldn't underestimate that YOU are only one half of this equation.
The girl is a different person with different things she's attracted to, different norms, all sort of stuff going on in her head. She's not a formula or an automaton. You can't control her. You can't MAKE someone like you.
The best you can do is be yourself and see if she likes that (I'm a big fan of just be yourself. I don't lie to women. If I'm willing to be myself and see if she likes that, I'm ultimately saving myself loads of hassle and pain). If she doesn't like you, it's likely not anything personal, and you should just move on to someone who IS into who you are. I've learned that this is a big deal. Just because a girl doesn't like you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It doesn't mean you aren't doing the right things, and treating her the right way. She's got what she's into and what she isn't. If you don't quite fit that criteria, it's no reflection of who you are, it just means that what you are isn't what she's into. It's a matter of taste on her part, short and simple.
If she doesn't like you, you will do nothing but cause yourself a lot of pain by sticking around and hoping that she will, eventually, like you. You're not really living your life when you're doing this. If a girl isn't attracted to you, you HAVE to move on.
Trying to work out some attack plan to make THIS girl like you is just bad for business. There are plenty of women who, if given the chance, would like you as you are right now. Those are the women you need to be talking to, not the ones who aren't attracted to you.
It's crass to say, "the best way to get over one girl is to get under another one," but it is best to just get out there and meet lots of other girls and see how you like them. So long as you're open to meeting someone and willing to grab your balls and show them you are interested, you'll find someone you like sooner rather than later (that's a big lesson I've learned this past year of my life. There are plenty of great, available women out there who are just waiting for a guy like me. All I have to do is grab my balls and not be afraid to show them I'm interested.)
So quit calling your oneitis. I'm not saying she's never going to like you, but how long are you willing to wait to find this out? Meet some other girls, get some phone numbers, flirt a little bit, and I'll gaurantee you'll be over the oneitis in no time.
Quit thinking about how to get her, and start thinking about the thousands of other girls out there who would be happy to have you with much less effort. It's either that, or be miserable for a few more months (or years).