A very serious LTR question

[Mercury21]

Wow, this has never happened to me before. Frankly it sent me into a loop as how to handle the situation....hopefuly some of you out there will have a better clue of what to do.

First let me start off with my usual disclaimer: This thread is NOT for those of you interested in ONLY Speed seduction and ONS. This is an LTR question, and intended for only those who have good LTR experience.

Ok, so this question goes back to my GF. Many of you may remember her from when we went out on our first date way back in the beginning of February. I posted a thread on here titled, "should I have closed the deal..."

Fast forward to the present, and we are in a very good LTR. I have been doing everything right: I never call too much, I always act like a man, I display C&F with a dash of sensitivity every now and then etc..

In short, I have known for a while now that she is VERY much into me. She calls me every day if we don't see eachother, and from what I gather she talks alot about me. Her entire family LOVES me...her twin brother even consideres me a close friend of his. Her family warns her not to scare me away because they all like me so much. And I found out through her brother that their younger sister the other day told my GF, "You know, I wouldn't mind having "Mercury" as my Brother in Law..." That should give you an idea of where we are in our relationship.

So...here goes the situation at hand. Thursday, 4/22 me, her and her brother went to this bar here in town that her brother and uncle always hang out at on Thursdays.

She and I are not the bar going type but decided it would be fun to go. So there we are, all having a good time, lauging and talking etc...

Soon her brother, who had been drinking teased his sister(my GF) and said something like, "if you don't watch it I'm going to tell "Mercury" what Mom said."

She got this shocked look on her face and asked, " what? What did mom say?" Then she dragged him over to a corner so he could tell her.

As they were walking back her brother was saying, " I know you do...I see the way you look at him." Then he asked, "Is it true?"

She answered by saying, "I think so..." Her Uncle, who is young(31) was near by and asked what was going on. Her brother then whispered in his ear the "secret". Her uncle looked at me quickly and said, "I don't blame her. He's a GREAT guy."

Ok, so I am suspicous that what is going on is that she is in Love with me. But I play dumb and act like nothing is going on.

Later on we take her brother back home(who is off his ass drunk), I help him up to his room and into his bed.

Then me and my GF go back outside and sit on her front porch..talking, making out, all that good stuff. Of course I use this opportunity to find out what everybody was talking about earlier.

She was scared to tell me at first, claiming that maybe she would tell me in 2 days. I pressured her into telling me right away. She was scared to say anything...but eventually told me what was going on:

Earlier in the week her mom had told her brother that she thinks that she was falling in love with me. Her brother agreed completly. I asked her if it was true, this is what she said:

She said that she thinks she is...but since she has never been in love before she doesn't know how she is supposed to feel. What she does know is that she has never met or been with anybody like me before(thanks sosuave ) and she does feel something very strong for me, but she doesn't know what it is. But she does believe that her mom is right...

At this point I said in a very calm and cool manner, "Its funny you say that, because I think I am falling in love with you to." Its no lie either, I really believe I may be. Then we continued making out passionately for much longer. However, I wonder if I should have said anything???

Then last night, Friday night after watching a movie at her house we were out on the porch again, this time standing up and making out when I proceeded to whisper in her ear,"You know, I don't want this to change anything but I really do believe that I am falling in love with you..."

She held me really tight, very tight but remained silent. Silent to the point that I had to ask if she had heard me. Then I asked her what she thought, and she said she can't explain how she felt. I asked if she was falling in love, and she said she thought she was.

Before the moment got too heavy I applied some C&F to ease the situation, and that was that.

I am kind of dissapointed in myself for having said that I was falling in love with her again, because I have NEVER said anything regarding Love with anybody before. On one hand I feel that maybe it was good what I said, seeing as how she was the one who brought it up first. But my sosuave side is telling me that maybe I should have kept my trap shut.

Ok, now I need your opinions on what I should do, should have done, or what I did right/wrong. On the drive home last night I came to the conclusion that even if we should be together for the next 80 years I will never bring up the topic of Love again unless she does it first. So How do you think the whole situation unfolded? Would you guys have done something different? How about from this point forward?

I look forward to hearing what some of you have to say, because I have never been a situation like this before. Thanks!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

You are over analyzing this and thinking way too much "what should I do?"

I'll just say this - if you are both truly "SINCERE" in your remarks and feelings than nothing but "GOOD" will come from it!

"Love" is the 'natural' result when a man and a woman bond with one another!!

 

[Roots]

PRL is right. At this point in the game the only thing that'll save you is COMMON SENSE. Don't be an idiot and blindly follow the rules. If you love her, tell her you love her. And for God's sakes don't go crazy thinking "well she blinked twice and her pinky twitched right after she told me she loved me... does that mean she doesnt??".

You did everything right. Now continue to be a normal person, and not a physical manifestation of the OnLine bible. Do what you feel is right, and use your head.

And relax. Love is fun.

-Roots

 

[KiInCollege]

You said that you met her from February until now. All right, 3 months is a reasonable time that the girl would say this. When this happened to me, I reacted a little differently. It may not be too late for you to shift into the mode I went into. I can give an example.

I was dating this girl, but we hadn't had sex yet. She was a virgin, and I had the reputation of being a player. About a month into the relationship, this girl told me that she loved me. It was a romantic moment after we had eaten breakfast in my house, and as we were putting away the dishes I said some comment that made me seem responsible. Then she reacted by saying those three words.

When she said the three words, she said it in a way that seemed like she had been waiting to say it, but was also ashamed. It was so cute...made me melt a little. I had no idea it was coming, but I reacted. I quickly held her tight and gently moved her against the wall, so she couldn't slip away from me. Then I looked down and deep into her eyes and said, "You shouldn't say that...not yet..." But as I said that to her, I made sure that I looked like I wanted to say it, too. She could tell by my look that I wanted to say it back, but that my experience was keeping me from saying it just yet.

I eventually returned her words a few weeks later, in response to her telling me again in the right moment. Our relationship had been going great. I knew she was crazy about me, and I didn't want to be cruel. I also loved her - there was no reason to hide it anymore. Her and I are still together to this day. She's everything I want, and I was able to mold her sexual tastes and desires.

If you feel the same way about your girl, just keep on doing what you're doing and let your relationship grow. I wouldn't mention love again, until she does (keep your desire as a challenge). But show her in your actions how you feel about her. Act consistent with what you've already told her. When you're sure that she's going to always be by your side, then tell her that you return her feelings, preferably in response to her bring up the topic again.

Also, I would try to wait until you're both having sex regularly before saying it. You need that regular sex to reinforce what you've both shared. If that's not possible, try to introduce sex soon after sharing those words, if she's been hesistant before.

 

[Slickster]

PRL's advice is sound.

If both are really falling in love then it doesn't really matter. You are worrying about nothing.

One thing to add though.

You are 22 and I assume she is close in age. Women at this age can be very fickle. She may tell you she loves you one day and the next she just wants to be friends. No sh!t it happens all the time.

On the drive home last night I came to the conclusion that even if we should be together for the next 80 years I will never bring up the topic of Love again unless she does it first.

Lol. This might be a tad extreme but you are on the right track. The words "I love you" should be something your woman is dying/wishing to hear from you. Not something she hears all the time, so much that it loses its meaning. I'd strongly advise against saying it whenever you feel it. You may end up driving her away.

Not saying it, but showing it is also a great option. When you do say it though, do it at the right time. Pick the right time. A romantic time, a special moment, etc. Not after you finish watching Joe Dirt and go to DQ for an icecream. Or everytime you say goodbye on the phone.

Basically just keep her wanting to hear it more. Not something she's accustomed to.

By the way, great post. Very sincere. Also congrats on the LTR. Good work.

Just remember that you are young. Don't let yourself get caught up too much in all the relationship seriousness. ie. what's going to happen in the future, oh no we had a fight, where is this going, etc.

She may be your first love but chances are she won't be your last. Just keep on doing what you are doing. Its working. Always show her a great, fun time and keep things interesting. See where it goes from there.

Good luck.

 

[Engetsu]

I agree with all the advice everyone gave you.

The way I see it is that you're caught up in the "rules" a bit too much. You're trying to act a way that you think you're supposed to act instead of acting on what you feel. Sometimes, like at the beginning of a relationship, this is good since it makes the girl want you more, but you need to show a bit of your emotions too.

I am in the exact same situation as you (had a gf for 3 months now, and she told me those words after the 1st month almost exactly the same way your gf did: "I've never felt this before", etc.), and from my perspective, you need to loosen up a bit, stop analyzing so much and just live your life. You don't even need sosuave at the point you're at right now. You were able to talk to the girl, get her digits, set up a date, kiss close, and get her to date you steadily. Love is just the next step, and if you think you've reached it, just go for it.

Like Slickster said, don't overdo it though. This is where an AFC would have failed, by showering the girl with affection and giving her all the power. What I do, is that I really don't say "I love you" as much as she does. If she says it, I just say "me too" or I smile. My trick is that she has to say it 5 times for me to say it once, and it seems to be working so far. That way, you have another rule to follow, since you seem to be a rule-oriented fella (just like me... I'm kind of bad at "winging it").

My 0.02

 

[AFK Protector]

Yes, I agree with all of these people. Just bumping your thread so you don't miss their responses. Good luck.

 

[Mercury21]

Excellent responses from everybody. I am truly impressed by all the good advice

As I typically do every now and then I spent today, Saturday away from her...doing my own thing with my friends. We will meet later on this evening for some "us" time, but I feel that having a life aside from her is very important to

During this time away from her today I got to thinking and decided it doesn't really matter at this stage in our relationship what I say, just as long as I don't shower her with 254 I Love You's a day.

The important thing is that no matter what I do or say, I do it with the proper attitude..meaning that I keep my posture as a confident and calm man.

Guys, please correct me if I am wrong here but the important thing is attitude. Its all about my attitude. If I turn into some sensitive romantic....that would be very BAD! However..if, like you guys have suggested, I keep the I love you's to a minimum, show her my feelings more through actions than words, all the while maintaining a calm and confident attitude I can't go wrong.

That is the conclusion that I have come to, but I would like to hear some input on that.

And once again, GREAT advice from everybody. My mind is certainly more at ease. I was worried that maybe by saying "I love you too" may have been a bad move.

 

[jbbrain]

Again, you're getting too caught up in the specifics ...

But you're right on one thing: Attitude is key.

Regardless of any situation (LTR, ONS, casual dating etc.) you're in with a girl, she must know always that you consider yourself no. 1, not her..that should come naturally to all of us, but unfortunately some of us get blinded from this truth.

Tricks, games and techniques, as i have so often stated before, do not make the man. Rather, the "techniques" should be used not as means, but rather as an ends in itself, to signify your manhood:

That your attitude towards life stritcly adheres to the basic tenet that you are the most important person in YOUR world.

Remember that.

 

[Roots]

I'd have to disagree with jbbrain on the attitude idea. It stems from the fact that attitude can be moulded around a situation and adjusted as necessary. The whole point of that, is that attitude should remain "flexible". It is personality that got you this girl, and so long as you don't go to war and turn into a CSD psychopath, she'll probably continue to love you.

Having the attitude that you're number one in your world is ridiculous. If you want the girl to smack you in the face, then do it. The whole point of a relationship is that you are both on EVEN GROUND. You are both the most important thing to each other, and unless that is true you have a one-sided relationship that I guarantee will not last more than 3 months unless the girl is clinically insane.

Also if the idea that we are number one should have come to us naturally, we would be extinct. You know how they always stress 'team work' and 'cooperation' wherever you go? That's probably because its a good thing to work together on an euqal basis.

Merc, you hit the nail on the head previously. Continue to be calm and confident like you were. Confidence and self-composure at this point should be part of your personality. Don't give these to things up to be a "sensitive romantic", but don't hesitate to be romantic when the time comes. Like if you're at a candle-light dinner with her, don't be like: "Well yesterday this b|tch looked at me cuz I'm so Alpha". Think about it.

You basically got the idea. The thing is go with your gut. If she's running towards you with her arms out wanting to hug you, don't stand there with your confident composure so she runs into you like a lightpost. Hug her back. Use your head a little. But you're definitely there.

-Roots

 

[jbbrain]

roots-

you didnt really understand what I was saying. My reply was not discussing acting out of pure self interest. Indeed, a relationship is a two way street, both parties must put in a lot for it to thrive and persevere.

However, your girlfriend should never feel that she has you by the balls. In this light, what I meant about being no. 1 was that we should realize, that, ultimately, we truly only have ourselves all the way until the "end". Consequently, the simple notion of self respect is crucial. Your gf should automatically have a good sense that if things dont work out for whatever reason, that you'd be able to carry on with your life, regardless of the circumstances. She must know that she's more than welcome to come along for the great "ride" (your life), but if she disrespects you and/or tries to bail, you have enough sense in your own esteem to be happy and LIVE. Indeed, in the end, we should all embrace and celebrate a new or existing love we share with out significant others, but we have to also remember to love ourselves first and foremost. That doesn't make us "bad", I think it makes us healthy. You end up thinking you love her more than you really care about yourself, that is exactly where the problems first start appearing.

It's not a complicated formula, dude. Live your own life. Do things that make you, YOU. She'll love you, and continue to love you for it.