A Ruined Birthday and Am I too controlling?

[monkeysee]

Ok guys, I met my gf off a cold approach last Jan. Things went great for the first 6 months, then I lost my job and started my own business. I started working like 90+ hours a week and was unde rlots of stress. I became kinda snippy to everyone around me... the gf, friends, parents, b/c of the stress. Around that same time the gf became ill with a gastrointestinal illness. She never offered to help me with the new business. Additionally, I found that after working os much I would have to clean up after her, pay for the food, etc, even though money was tight for me and she was working fulltime, etc.

Anyhow, she became depressed over time because of the chronic illness, eventually quits her job, and is like a fulltime bum. She collects unemployment and doesnt look for a job. I resent this because I still work crazy hours and she doesn't offer to help and I could use the help, even a little bit. OR, she could at least clean up after herself. She is 25, lives w/ parents, and when she stays at my house, she makes food for herself (that i buy) and doesn't clean up her mess, put away dishes, etc.

For the last 3 or 4 months she has made a habit out of not seeing me fri/sat nites. Instead, we usually get in a fight and she likes to go off by herself to bookstores, starbucks, etc. She claims she sits by herself and reads. I am usually at home during these times doing work for my business.

My birthday was yesterday, and we got in a fight yesterday because she slept until 4pm on my birthday. I didnt even see her fri night. I went out drining to find her, and found her at borders bookstore. she told me earlier she was sick and depressed and i yelled at her for sleeping (which i did...it my freakin' b-day and she sleeps all day away) so she was just going off to be by herself. well, i roll up and see her at the cafe of the bookstore with a big group of people (none of whom i have ever met or been introduced to) having a good time. ON MY BIRTHDAY when she left me home alone!!! I dumped her for it and now she threatens suicide.

Am I nuts? Is she? Any advice or insight appreciated.

 

[Derek Flint]

Run as far away from this train wreck as possible.

BTW, she's most likely bangin someone else.

 

[Scrumtulescence]

It sounds like your whole life revolves around this business now, so maybe that frustrates her. You even admitted you've been a d1ck to her, your family etc. It's not like you guys are married and legally tied, how do you expect her to act in the relationship? Plus she's got this illness to deal with......just sounds like a trainwreck of a relationship. Time to break up.

 

[Phyzzle]

Let me guess: she has an intestinal illnesses where she can drink alcohol and party til 6am every night, but it eliminates her sex drive.

Yeah, if you're going to work 90 hours a week, you should set up two evenings a week for you guys to be together, instead of collapsing next to her and moaning every dam night. Her time with you isn't very fun.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Run as far away from this train wreck as possible.

BTW, she's most likely bangin someone else.

Yes - however, she isn't bangin someone else - she is getting banged!!!

She is using you and you are a fool to comply!!! She doesn't care about you - this is obvious!!

She is partying with these other people you don't know and thus getting up at 4 pm!!! You are being disrespected!!!

 

[Last Man Standing]

And "No", you are not being too controlling by finally taking control!!!! This is what men do!!! You weren't a man before when she was walking all over you and now you are a man since you took action!!!

 

[Nasman]

Get away from her as soon as possible. Run dude she will make your life miserable. I learned long ago that some people are crazy and there is nothing u could do to save them.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Let's see, your attitude went into the crapper, you started neglecting your relationship, your girlfriend gets sick and you're upset that she didn't help you with your business. No wonder she wanted to spend time on her own doing whatever on the weekend. Did you have any compassion for her?

Don't be concerned about your situation as if it were a relationship, it's not. I'm with Scrumtulescence in saying that it's apparent that you're primarily focused on your business, that's fine. Keep your efforts there until you can make time to start dating someone without feeling that you're neglecting your work.

Relationships need nurturing such as plants. Relationships need to stay fresh as if you were watering a plant. They need sunlight to be nurtured, an occasional pruning to help it grow without chopping it down to a stump.

 

[gherald]

Dump her..

She is psychotic...or is getting psycho because of you...

 

[Last Man Standing]

Let's see, your attitude went into the crapper, you started neglecting your relationship, your girlfriend gets sick and you're upset that she didn't help you with your business. No wonder she wanted to spend time on her own doing whatever on the weekend. Did you have any compassion for her?

Don't be concerned about your situation as if it were a relationship, it's not. I'm with Scrumtulescence in saying that it's apparent that you're primarily focused on your business, that's fine. Keep your efforts there until you can make time to start dating someone without feeling that you're neglecting your work.

Relationships need nurturing such as plants. Relationships need to stay fresh as if you were watering a plant. They need sunlight to be nurtured, an occasional pruning to help it grow without chopping it down to a stump.

We have different takes on this - did she express her concerns of neglect to him?? We don't know but she should have shown some concern and understanding in his working hard to make a living --- lying to him and hanging out with others on his B-day was a total lack of respect for him!! This is a sign of a bad attitude!!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

We have different takes on this - did she express her concerns of neglect to him?? We don't know but she should have shown some concern and understanding in his working hard to make a living --- lying to him and hanging out with others on his B-day was a total lack of respect for him!! This is a sign of a bad attitude!!

I completely agree that she has a bad attitude, however she learned how to have one from what was going on in the relationship. She was dating a guy who was giving her enough attention and then due to no fault of his own (assumingly) his whole livelihood changed.

Understandingly how a lot of guys define themselves by their ability to make money, loosing a job is almost a death blow. Kudos for starting a new business but what a lot of guys lack is the ability to balance their careers with their relationships. This is the death knell to countless relationships. So her interest level dips, a bit.

However it gets worse. We're not just talking about neglect, a lot of women learn to accept it if she has a high interest level with her guy. The bad thing is that the few times they are able to get together, his attitude is piss poor. So she seldom sees him and when she does, he has an attitude. WFT? Her interest level starts to drop.

Now lets talk about her basic health. She's sick and probably not the most jovial of people. Maybe her man will feel sorry for her and at least try to be nice to her, at least he can relate with her about being temporarily out of a job. Nope, he's pissed because she isn't helping him with his new career. Interest level starts to plummet.

At this point she probably has a "fvck him and all the crazy hours he works" type attitude. "Why should I wait around for him to have time for me?" C'mon guys, I hope you all wouldn't wait around if your woman was treating you this way. Would you spend time with her on HER birthday if she wasn't giving you the time of day?

Now I will say that it's probably not the most attractive thing in the world to date a woman who just sat around all day at her parents house doing nothing. That's definitely not the type of woman I'd date, but with that said what is the purpose of staying with her? Is it the way that she messes up the house when she stays over to your place?

All of this is going on over several months, this didn't happen overnight; therein lies the problem that many men have after they get into a relationship. Most guys don't pay attention to all of the signs that go on in a relationship when its hitting the skids, they only see the major wall in the middle of the road without noticing any of the several speed bumps they rode across before hitting the wall.

Guys, when you are in a relationship it would be to your interest to recognize the little problems before they become big problems. Women are notorious for not telling you what they really want if there is a small problem arises in the relationship, she doesn't want to hurt your ego. But wait around for a while ignoring the problem and it will fester in her, all the while her interest level starts slipping. Eventually she's going to blow up in a tirade or (even worse) she's going to start looking for other means to get respect, romance and affection. That's what women want from a healthy relationship. If she's not getting it from you, do you expect her to stick around?

So when all of this started between the two of them where was the respect, affection and romance? I got less and less and her interest level probably dropped in proportion to it. Still wondering why she had a bad attitude? Wouldn't a guy sticking around putting up with this be considered an AFC?

 

[Last Man Standing]

Francisco, what you say is all true but in this case that is pure conjecture! We need more info on his transition and the timing of this whole thing - although we are getting only one side of the story it is difficult to know the complete picture in it's truest form.

Nonetheless, I'm of the thought that if my girl is dissatisfied with me in any way then she should voice that concern directly to me and not be screwing around behind my back and lying to me -- I hate to be disrespected and to be made to look like a chump - especially if I did nothing wrong!!!

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Francisco, what you say is all true but in this case that is pure conjecture! We need more info on his transition and the timing of this whole thing - although we are getting only one side of the story it is difficult to know the complete picture in it's truest form.

Didn't stop people from saying that she was using him, she was controlling him, it was a train wreck and she was psychotic. I'm not saying she was faultless because a relationship takes the involvement of two people and no matter what either one specifically does, all of their actions either contribute to the relationship or contaminates it.

Nonetheless, I'm of the thought that if my girl is dissatisfied with me in any way then she should voice that concern directly to me and not be screwing around behind my back and lying to me -- I hate to be disrespected and to be made to look like a chump - especially if I did nothing wrong!!!

True, but men need to be more in tune with the relationship because women show their hand before they do things, it's called hints. If guys don't want hints, they should tell their women that because they don't work. In this instance was ignored even while she was sick. If your woman is sick, be empathic; warm up a can of fvcking soup for her, it only takes a little effort.

Just one last thing I need to rant on, guys will say time and time again that they felt that they didn't do anything wrong. Most times they're absolutely right, the reason that their woman is pissed is because he didn't do anything.

 

[Phyzzle]

I agree w/Francisco here. This chick may be far from ideal, but that's not enough to make her a controlling psycho, or even cheating (yet).

Picture monkeysee coming in and saying

For the past 6 months, my gf has been spending more time at work, like 90+ hours a week. When she comes around, I get the ice treatment. She's lost interest in sex, says she's too tired all the time. I don't have any social life, since I spend it sitting around waiting for her playing video games . . .

I dont' think there's any doubt what you guys would tell him to do.

 

[Last Man Standing]

True, but men need to be more in tune with the relationship because women show their hand before they do things, it's called hints. If guys don't want hints, they should tell their women that because they don't work. .[/i]

Even if you tell women to be upfront with you they still tend to do things on the sly -- unless they are very honest - which is rare nowadays!

Men are not wired to be sensitive to these "hints" - we worry about and are in tune with other things that fit our thinking - such as running our own business!

Men are direct - women are indirect - so I will always blame the fault on the person who does things in a slightly hidden way versus the person who is upfront and straightforward - because then the parameters and rules has been set and a common understanding can be reached!

What understanding can be reached through "hints" --- I don't like it!!!! Women need to communicate more directly so that ALL is understood and thus avoid conflicts of misunderstanding!!!

 

[Demon]

Er, she threatened suicide because he left the relationship in which they were not participating. That's enough for me to say she's psychotic. Good riddance.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Er, she threatened suicide because he left the relationship in which they were not participating. That's enough for me to say she's psychotic. Good riddance.

Yes, this suicide threat shows that she still wanted him - how do you explain this, Francisco? I wouldn't label her "psychotic" - just her last desperate attempt o hold on.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Yes, this suicide threat shows that she still wanted him - how do you explain this, Francisco? I wouldn't label her "psychotic" - just her last desperate attempt o hold on.

You are absolutely right, it was a very desperate attempt. It may have been to hold on which I doubt because I don't believe she was interested enough to stay in the relationship. I'm guessing she would make the threat just to prove whether or not Monkysee had any feelings left for her; women are masochistic like that.

People who make suicidal threats do it for attention, they've reach a place of desperation where they consider that the only option they have if things don't change is to completely give up. In her case whether or not she was being truthful in her threat, she just wanted someone to feed her need for reassurance. Compare it to how a frustrated child throws a tantrum when she's being ignored by her parents, the people who she feels should always be available to her.