Here is a piece of my writing that i am hoping to get some opinions on. Some of the members here are great writers and others have some very creative minds. That's why i decided to post here and get some opinions from you guys.
If i can get an honest opinion from you guys that would be appreciated.
So far i have been getting extremely good feedback so im not sure if my writing does have potential or the people i'm asking are biased.
responses have been about 20/21 for amazing one for dull/boring.
This is just a short passage from the second chapter. Everything still needs work and editing. i'm working on adding more details and descriptions inbetween the dialogues as well.
The story is based in the future shortly after the 3rd world war. All weapons of mass destruction have been abolished including all weapons from the 20th century and beyond. After the end of world war 3 China slowly conquers all of asia. The three super powers of the world have become the E.U., United America (Mexico, U.S., Canada, Austrailia, and Great Britain), and now China.
The story is about how the heir to the throne of the Chinese empire brings down his family's corrupt enslavement regime.
The Second Encounter
“My lord, you must go now, the preparations have already been made. I acquired all the documents that are needed to make you and the princess citizens of the United America. I am sorry to say that is all someone of my skill possesses, for I was unable to obtain more than two sets of documents. I promise you my lord, I Chen Ying-Jyeh will return to you once everything is settled here. Now go! I hear the Imperial Guards coming for the Princess.”
“My humble servant, though I have only known you for a meager fourteen years of my life since the day I was brought upon this wretched soil. I believe you, to be the most faithful and loyal among everyone that has been entrusted into my power. Therefore it is my duty as you’re master and leader to reward you for everything you have done, but I cannot justly do so unless you return to me alive. I command you Chen Ying-Jyeh, come back alive so that everything that you’ve accomplished up to this day for me will not be in vain.”
“I am the former Lieutenant of the Eastern battalion, I have been called the Tiger of the East, I will not be taken down that easily my lord. Farewell.”
The servant hands the prince the keys and forces the door shut. He then proceeds to chain and bolt lock all the doors while hastening to arm himself. Just as the preparations have been finished the ground begins to rattle, three loud bangs force the front door to shake.
“We are the Imperial Guards. By the order of the Emperor himself and a written decree signed by the Legion of Generals we demand you, open this door immediately!”
“This is his Highness’s Chamber, Prince of all China. No one is allowed to enter without permission from Prince himself. The door is sealed shut, besides if I cannot see the written decree how am supposed to ascertain that you men really are the Imperial Guards, leave and return once the prince has granted you permission.”
The servant calmly and deductively creates time for his master’s escape.
“Although I was once known as the Tiger of the East, ferocity is not my only quality for I achieved my title with cunning as well. My lord I must guarantee your safety even if it costs me my life.”
Ying-Jyeh whispers to himself.
“Well as you know, we the Imperial Guards only travel in groups of eight and the messenger has brought forth the signed written decree. State yourself messenger.”
“My name is Zhang Wei-Dah, and I have come in the name of the Emperor with his written decree for the arrest of trespassing child.”
“We have presented ourselves with our identities which has been more than enough to confirm your requests. Now open the door or we will open it with our spears.”
The clang of the weapons being readied by the guards echo through the halls loud enough for the sounds to sift through the door, but this did not stop Ying-Jyeh during the whole exchange of words to lose one syllable.
“Eight men and one messenger.” he thinks to himself.
“This can be done, no it must be done.”
“There is no child here but if you must come in I will make the proper preparations to grant your entrance. Please wait a few minutes while I go to retrieve the keys.”
Five minutes have gone by and the Imperial Guards have yet to open the doors.
“OPEN THE DOOR IMMEDIETELY!”
“The gatekeeper has already been notified to retrieve the keys and to unlock the doors. He should be here any minute now.”
Just as Ying-Jyeh finishes his sentence the door is pierced by spears repeatedly. The guards kick down the door and rush in.
“By the name of the Emperor we are here to arrest the trespassing child.”
“There is no child here as I stated before and the only trespassers here are you. I have been instructed by my lord to eliminate all trespassers on sight and now that you are visible to me, you are most unfortunate.”
“Seize him at once, he is helping the crimi-”
Before the messenger could finish his sentence Ying-Jyeh’s blade relocated the servants head from his neck to the floor.
“If any of you wish to join him step forth.”
All eight guards step forward.
In each guard’s possession are a spear and a shield. The guards are heavily armored and the only flesh they show is the skin of their face.
“We know who you are and although you were once known as the Tiger of the East, former Lieutenant you are outnumbered, outmatched, and have no armor. Surrender.”
The guards fall into formation with spears ready and shields prepared. They slowly march forward.
Ying-Jyeh drops both his swords. He faces the floor and slowing begins to kneel.
“Do you know why I was called the Tiger? It was not because I was strong or particularly fast, I was known as the Tiger because I AM AN ANIMAL!”
The loyal servant falls to the floor but instead to his knees, he is situated on his hands and feet.
“Your bark must be more frightful than your bite since you are now mad. We will show you no quarter.”
“As will i.”
Before the guards have even realized, the animal is before them. He tears off the armor of the first guard and pierces his heart with the very spear he carried. The remaining charge him but in an instant he appears behind the guard at the end and with the latter guards shield he crushes the skull of the enemy before him against the floor.
“They call me the Tiger for two reasons. One, because I am ferocious and the second reason is because my body upon any notice of being harmed will instinctively allow me to dodge and escape unscathed. Like the instincts of an animal.”
Ying-Jyeh wipes the blood off his face and proceeds to stand on his feet.
“I am the Tiger of the East, and it is most unfortunate that your adversary tonight is me. It seems like I will be joining my master soon enough.”
“You will not.”
A voice echoes through the door.
“Who goes there?”
The surprised servant, startled retrieves his weapons and takes a few steps back as if to prepare himself against a worthy adversary.
“Am I that easily forgotten my young pupil. You have forgotten the woman that raised you, clothed you, fed you, and most important of all taught you everything that you know.”
A masked figure in cloth appears through the opening of the doorway. Her figure slim, her look eloquent, and in her hand are two swords. The remaining guards split and allow the mysterious lady to enter. She slowly progresses forward to the animal but the animal is startled and charges at her with all his ferocity.
“You do not want to fight me.”
The animal stops in his tracks. He shakes vigorously as if he were being shackled and trying to break free.
“You will stop this nonsense and surrender yourself immediately Ying-Jyeh. I do not have time to play your games.”
The mysterious woman sheathes her swords and turns toward the exit. The once so loyal servant releases his grip on his weapons. He falls to the floor and is contained.
“My lord, is there anything else you wish of us before we kill him.”
The lead guard shouts out.
“I told him to surrender so that you could capture him, otherwise I would have killed him myself. Now sedate him.”
“Understood my lord.”
"Bring him to The Labyrinth. The emperor has requested that all prisoners from this incident be kept alive for questioning."
If i can get an honest opinion from you guys that would be appreciated.
So far i have been getting extremely good feedback so im not sure if my writing does have potential or the people i'm asking are biased.
responses have been about 20/21 for amazing one for dull/boring.
This is just a short passage from the second chapter. Everything still needs work and editing. i'm working on adding more details and descriptions inbetween the dialogues as well.
The story is based in the future shortly after the 3rd world war. All weapons of mass destruction have been abolished including all weapons from the 20th century and beyond. After the end of world war 3 China slowly conquers all of asia. The three super powers of the world have become the E.U., United America (Mexico, U.S., Canada, Austrailia, and Great Britain), and now China.
The story is about how the heir to the throne of the Chinese empire brings down his family's corrupt enslavement regime.
The Second Encounter
“My lord, you must go now, the preparations have already been made. I acquired all the documents that are needed to make you and the princess citizens of the United America. I am sorry to say that is all someone of my skill possesses, for I was unable to obtain more than two sets of documents. I promise you my lord, I Chen Ying-Jyeh will return to you once everything is settled here. Now go! I hear the Imperial Guards coming for the Princess.”
“My humble servant, though I have only known you for a meager fourteen years of my life since the day I was brought upon this wretched soil. I believe you, to be the most faithful and loyal among everyone that has been entrusted into my power. Therefore it is my duty as you’re master and leader to reward you for everything you have done, but I cannot justly do so unless you return to me alive. I command you Chen Ying-Jyeh, come back alive so that everything that you’ve accomplished up to this day for me will not be in vain.”
“I am the former Lieutenant of the Eastern battalion, I have been called the Tiger of the East, I will not be taken down that easily my lord. Farewell.”
The servant hands the prince the keys and forces the door shut. He then proceeds to chain and bolt lock all the doors while hastening to arm himself. Just as the preparations have been finished the ground begins to rattle, three loud bangs force the front door to shake.
“We are the Imperial Guards. By the order of the Emperor himself and a written decree signed by the Legion of Generals we demand you, open this door immediately!”
“This is his Highness’s Chamber, Prince of all China. No one is allowed to enter without permission from Prince himself. The door is sealed shut, besides if I cannot see the written decree how am supposed to ascertain that you men really are the Imperial Guards, leave and return once the prince has granted you permission.”
The servant calmly and deductively creates time for his master’s escape.
“Although I was once known as the Tiger of the East, ferocity is not my only quality for I achieved my title with cunning as well. My lord I must guarantee your safety even if it costs me my life.”
Ying-Jyeh whispers to himself.
“Well as you know, we the Imperial Guards only travel in groups of eight and the messenger has brought forth the signed written decree. State yourself messenger.”
“My name is Zhang Wei-Dah, and I have come in the name of the Emperor with his written decree for the arrest of trespassing child.”
“We have presented ourselves with our identities which has been more than enough to confirm your requests. Now open the door or we will open it with our spears.”
The clang of the weapons being readied by the guards echo through the halls loud enough for the sounds to sift through the door, but this did not stop Ying-Jyeh during the whole exchange of words to lose one syllable.
“Eight men and one messenger.” he thinks to himself.
“This can be done, no it must be done.”
“There is no child here but if you must come in I will make the proper preparations to grant your entrance. Please wait a few minutes while I go to retrieve the keys.”
Five minutes have gone by and the Imperial Guards have yet to open the doors.
“OPEN THE DOOR IMMEDIETELY!”
“The gatekeeper has already been notified to retrieve the keys and to unlock the doors. He should be here any minute now.”
Just as Ying-Jyeh finishes his sentence the door is pierced by spears repeatedly. The guards kick down the door and rush in.
“By the name of the Emperor we are here to arrest the trespassing child.”
“There is no child here as I stated before and the only trespassers here are you. I have been instructed by my lord to eliminate all trespassers on sight and now that you are visible to me, you are most unfortunate.”
“Seize him at once, he is helping the crimi-”
Before the messenger could finish his sentence Ying-Jyeh’s blade relocated the servants head from his neck to the floor.
“If any of you wish to join him step forth.”
All eight guards step forward.
In each guard’s possession are a spear and a shield. The guards are heavily armored and the only flesh they show is the skin of their face.
“We know who you are and although you were once known as the Tiger of the East, former Lieutenant you are outnumbered, outmatched, and have no armor. Surrender.”
The guards fall into formation with spears ready and shields prepared. They slowly march forward.
Ying-Jyeh drops both his swords. He faces the floor and slowing begins to kneel.
“Do you know why I was called the Tiger? It was not because I was strong or particularly fast, I was known as the Tiger because I AM AN ANIMAL!”
The loyal servant falls to the floor but instead to his knees, he is situated on his hands and feet.
“Your bark must be more frightful than your bite since you are now mad. We will show you no quarter.”
“As will i.”
Before the guards have even realized, the animal is before them. He tears off the armor of the first guard and pierces his heart with the very spear he carried. The remaining charge him but in an instant he appears behind the guard at the end and with the latter guards shield he crushes the skull of the enemy before him against the floor.
“They call me the Tiger for two reasons. One, because I am ferocious and the second reason is because my body upon any notice of being harmed will instinctively allow me to dodge and escape unscathed. Like the instincts of an animal.”
Ying-Jyeh wipes the blood off his face and proceeds to stand on his feet.
“I am the Tiger of the East, and it is most unfortunate that your adversary tonight is me. It seems like I will be joining my master soon enough.”
“You will not.”
A voice echoes through the door.
“Who goes there?”
The surprised servant, startled retrieves his weapons and takes a few steps back as if to prepare himself against a worthy adversary.
“Am I that easily forgotten my young pupil. You have forgotten the woman that raised you, clothed you, fed you, and most important of all taught you everything that you know.”
A masked figure in cloth appears through the opening of the doorway. Her figure slim, her look eloquent, and in her hand are two swords. The remaining guards split and allow the mysterious lady to enter. She slowly progresses forward to the animal but the animal is startled and charges at her with all his ferocity.
“You do not want to fight me.”
The animal stops in his tracks. He shakes vigorously as if he were being shackled and trying to break free.
“You will stop this nonsense and surrender yourself immediately Ying-Jyeh. I do not have time to play your games.”
The mysterious woman sheathes her swords and turns toward the exit. The once so loyal servant releases his grip on his weapons. He falls to the floor and is contained.
“My lord, is there anything else you wish of us before we kill him.”
The lead guard shouts out.
“I told him to surrender so that you could capture him, otherwise I would have killed him myself. Now sedate him.”
“Understood my lord.”
"Bring him to The Labyrinth. The emperor has requested that all prisoners from this incident be kept alive for questioning."