A re-introduction

[user2827]

I first found this forum a long time ago, it helped me realize how to change myself from the shy introvert to at least not socially retarded.

Ultimately, I wound up meeting something of a unicorn (good looking, fit, no tattoos or unconventional piercings, and a good family) after a few years we wound up married. Now, I'm not out looking for sympathies, but after just shy of 13 years together, she passed away fairly recently. It's unfortunate, but things that I took as growing frustrations was actually the illness growing, and it was only realizing the seriousness far too late.

Now, including some less than ideal coping methods, I've been spending the past few months in catching up on issues with the house that were slipping through the cracks because of circumstances. Ultimately, I have to accept the fact that, while I still want to have a family that, it's not a rush, but it's also not something I can afford to out off. This isn't something I can talk about with anyone in her family (which includes many of my non-work friends).

So, first, we can debate on how much I'm an ******* thinking of these things while my wife has only been gone a few months. It's just that rationally, I still have a time where I could start a family, even though the time isn't long before I should just resolve myself as looking for a companion.

I never was unfaithful with my wife, just like I am 100% confident that she couldn't flirt with a guy without at least a pang of conscience where she was likely to confess. However, there are a small group of women who I would regularly encounter who I would flirt with, but in a nmfriendly and non-committal way.... some I know are in relationships, and well, I have this thing about not getting punched in the face, I just don't like it and would prefer avoid it where possible. However, short of opening a wide net and actively putting myself out there, that will be something of a learning curve, these women represent solid first options to try knocking at that door to see if it might creak open.

The funny thing is, even though these women in mind are unlikely to have known, I've found that when it comes to actually putting it out there, I've been choking 100% of the time.

The worst case is one woman that I run into a few times a month, I took the half step to ask her name when she just added how long we had been chatting, her planned education, and how long before she would start shifting to fewer times where I would run into her... I'm embarrassed to say how long after that encounter it was that she might have giving a sign, and if it was a sign, it was not a subtle one.

Anyway, about myself. I'm early 40s, engineer, mortgaged home, dog, reliable vehicle. Reasonably fit, though 20lbs to lose. Until I was 25, I would get I'D for chocolate bars, now, I'm greying before my time, but not bald.

I'd rather avoid a complete tldr as an intro, so, please shoot some questions.

Please don't bother with condolences unless it's part of a separate comment or question, I appreciate the sentiment, but it's been a struggle to know how to respond to them with people who are also feeling the loss, nevermind people who are effectively strangers.

 

[UK manc]

You sound fairly similar to where I was a few months ago, having left a long relationship...

You know all the good stuff is there in the back of your mind, but you end up applying it like some stuttering 17 year old. The good news is that you don't need to bother with Online Apps (imo) as people have moved from on from thinking a 2-D picture will help them find someone.

This one woman you mention.. I'd assume it's going nowhere but you should still see if she'd "like to stay in touch" if she's moving on somewhere new. Small steps.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Please don't bother with condolences

Let yourself grieve, man. What happened to you was awful. You're stuck in denial and haven't moved through all the stages of grief. And women can tell. Give it time and let yourself heal.

 

[user2827]

Let yourself grieve, man. What happened to you was awful. You're stuck in denial and haven't moved through all the stages of grief. And women can tell. Give it time and let yourself heal.

Thanks, it probably doesn't read like it, but yes, I have been focusing on taking the time to grieve, to reset. The dog has been one of the main sources of stability, since the dog doesn't care whether or not I'm in the mood, she still expects food on her schedule, the walks, and attention.

 

[user2827]

You sound fairly similar to where I was a few months ago, having left a long relationship...

You know all the good stuff is there in the back of your mind, but you end up applying it like some stuttering 17 year old. The good news is that you don't need to bother with Online Apps (imo) as people have moved from on from thinking a 2-D picture will help them find someone.

This one woman you mention.. I'd assume it's going nowhere but you should still see if she'd "like to stay in touch" if she's moving on somewhere new. Small steps.

I've never liked dating apps, after enough encounters where someone had a nice photo but then could barely fit in their own vehicle. Then there's the conflicting motivation, they say they want to match people, but every couple that results from the apps is 2 less customers. Sure, some guys can get results, but for guys like me, it's mostly an exercise in frustration.

As for that woman, given the enthusiasm with which she greets the dog when circumstances allow, and the way that she will offer more information about herself than is asked. I could be reading it wrong, but I kind of see it as an invite to ask, and I read the mention of moving on as being something of a ticking clock, as in "you should ask sooner than later or you'll miss the shot". So, I'll see her and think, "just ask and get a firm yes or no" but then it just becomes some mild flirting and then continue on (or, in my mind choking).