A problem that haunts me...

[wospers]

Alright...here is my story.

My name is Jerry, I live in San Luis Obispo, California. For those of you that don't know, it is purely a college town. There are about 45,000 people here and around 35,000 are college students. Well ever since I started coming to site about 3 years ago, I've noticed myself becoming a very small amount better at socializing. With respect to girls, I have absolutely no experience...that doesn't bother me though. What does bother me is my freakin' conversation skills.

You see, everytime I meet someone new, I feel I have to prove myself worthy. I can never ever keep an interesting conversation going. Not once have I been the dominate person in a conversation (meaning the one that is doing the most talking) when I meet someone new. Every time I ask someone a question it is premeditated. I cannot keep the flow going. I've tried every single listening technique there is (well atleast all the ones listed in the bible and various topics on this board) to no avail.

What makes it worse is that i'm aware of my problem and I can't do anything to make it better. I can enter a conversation so confident, head clear, in a great fvcking mood, but within about 2-3 minutes I completely loose it...I run out of sh1t to say. I get that wierd ass feeling that you have to be doing something to make it not akward (i.e. playing with my cellphone). It sucks so bad, I wish it weren't like that.

I do not have any problem meeting new people, as in approaching them. But I can not make new freinds because they will get bored of what I have to say very quickly.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for as an answer but please don't tell me to read the bible because I have many many many many times. I guess I just need someone else's perspective.

 

[Hellboy]

What you are describing here is textbook social anxiety. I know because you have described exactly how I feel sometimes (most of the time). I am dealing with this and getting a little better with it. With time I will learn to:
1) Stop telling myself I have nothing to say. Of course I have something to say. I have 26 years worth of something to say. The only reason I can't think of something to say is because I'm trying too hard to do it, whilst simultaneously telling myself that I can't. Utter madness. But a deeply ingrained habit now. I find it helps to realise that it really doesn't matter if you don't ace the conversation. Let them do some work. For all you know they have the same anxiety.
2)Stop judging myself too harshly. If the dialogue doesn't go as planned, does it really matter? Not really. There are an unlimited number of people. If you see this person again you'll have another chance. If you don't then really what does it matter? You won't die. You'll meet someone else and try again.
3) Stop comparing myself to other people. Ie. I can talk to someone and see them talking so someone else and I focus in on all the reasons why they are enjoying the other conversation more. It's fvcking ridiculous but now I've noticed that I do it, I am able to rationalise that I can't read their minds, and I am not that person, so it doesn't matter one iota.
4)Stop buying into negative conclusions. This one is the killer. This is where it all started. One day I felt uncomfortable in a conversation. JUST ONE. And I told myself, unfairly, that I was crap at holding conversations. Then slowly but surely over time I came to believe this more and more strongly, until it was the most dominant thought throughout any conversatioon I ever had. Now at least I know this is untrue. I just have to untangle the knots in my brain from over the years, and make sure there are no new knots. All the time you'll come to mini conclusions in your head. If they are self-defeating then don't buy into them. You can choose what to believe!

By the way, your grammar and punctuation is perfect. Surely if you speak with the confidence of your writing, you'll have no problems. If you run out of something to say with a girl you can always rely on physical ques!

I could write on this topic for hours but I'll leave it here for now. Hope it helps.

 

[diablo]

AE...

 

[wospers]

Originally posted by Hellboy
What you are describing here is textbook social anxiety. I know because you have described exactly how I feel sometimes (most of the time). I am dealing with this and getting a little better with it. With time I will learn to:
1) Stop telling myself I have nothing to say. Of course I have something to say. I have 26 years worth of something to say. The only reason I can't think of something to say is because I'm trying too hard to do it, whilst simultaneously telling myself that I can't. Utter madness. But a deeply ingrained habit now. I find it helps to realise that it really doesn't matter if you don't ace the conversation. Let them do some work. For all you know they have the same anxiety.
2)Stop judging myself too harshly. If the dialogue doesn't go as planned, does it really matter? Not really. There are an unlimited number of people. If you see this person again you'll have another chance. If you don't then really what does it matter? You won't die. You'll meet someone else and try again.
3) Stop comparing myself to other people. Ie. I can talk to someone and see them talking so someone else and I focus in on all the reasons why they are enjoying the other conversation more. It's fvcking ridiculous but now I've noticed that I do it, I am able to rationalise that I can't read their minds, and I am not that person, so it doesn't matter one iota.
4)Stop buying into negative conclusions. This one is the killer. This is where it all started. One day I felt uncomfortable in a conversation. JUST ONE. And I told myself, unfairly, that I was crap at holding conversations. Then slowly but surely over time I came to believe this more and more strongly, until it was the most dominant thought throughout any conversatioon I ever had. Now at least I know this is untrue. I just have to untangle the knots in my brain from over the years, and make sure there are no new knots. All the time you'll come to mini conclusions in your head. If they are self-defeating then don't buy into them. You can choose what to believe!

By the way, your grammar and punctuation is perfect. Surely if you speak with the confidence of your writing, you'll have no problems. If you run out of something to say with a girl you can always rely on physical ques!

I could write on this topic for hours but I'll leave it here for now. Hope it helps.

Dude, from reading that right now, I feel like it will help me a sh1t load...especially that last part. But I know that it's going to haunt me for some time. Time heals I guess.

Before I found this site, when I was ignorant to my conversation problems, I never felt as bad as I have in the past few weeks/months. But I will not give up on this, I refuse to live my life feeling like I do. Thank you for replying Hellboy...

 

[wospers]

bump...

 

[mrblack]

good advice hellboy.

 

[Bible_Belt]

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671723650/102-0072625-8662560?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance
How to Win Friends & Influence People

 

[S-lemond]

i dont wanna say you should lie....but let her start the interesting convo....ask open ended questions...then feed from that, works with me!

 

[Duke]

Read A Turtle Named Adrian's piece, "Conversation to her Heart"

It should be in the DJ Bible.

Also, being the dominant person in the conversation doesn't mean being the person who talks the most. On the contrary, the person talking the most is often trying to impress the other person.

And dude, learn a bit about social dynamics. I discourage being outer-game-centric, but it is helpful to know that being needy and always trying to impress people makes them respect you less. When you meet new people you probably need to stop trying to DO anything, as funny as that might sound right now. When people sense that you're trying to entertain them, impress them, or force conversation, it reflects poorly upon you. I promise you that if when you meet new people (both girls and guys) and you try being a (basically) unreactive zombie, you will get much better reactions than you are right now.

You are DOING too much. Make a deal with yourself that for 3 weeks, you CAN'T have sex with girls under any circumstances. Don't even try to pick them up. Just simply be in their presence with no intentions.

You might think that sounds crazy, but it worked for me and for other guys I know. Pook is actually the one who instructed me to try it for myself. There's a solid reasoning behind it, but I want you to discover it for yourself. And truly believe that you can't have sex for 3 weeks. Extinguish any thoughts you have in the back of your mind that doing this exercise will get you laid.

Watch what happens.