A new lesson - I have been p*ssed with myself

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I don't know that I've realized this before. One of the biggest challenges I've faced hasn't been that I'm severely lacking in looks, confidence, or anything like that. The problem is that I've been p*ssed at myself.

I read one of Dalrock's posts:

http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2011/05/26/a-ltr-is-not-a-mini-marriage/

and it really hit home with me. It was one of those moments where you just sit back and all you can say is "d@mn..."

I was never bad at getting girlfriends, I was always bad at getting sex from them. I had no idea what gender dynamics are and no concept of the right way to deal with women.

A lot of this had to do with my very religious upbringing and the chains of guilt I still wrestle with regarding sexuality and the assertion of the will in what some "Christian" folks would say is "selfish" or "arrogant" or "mean".

But that's not even what I'm really p*ssed about.

I can't believe I was so ignorant. I have always had a subliminal level of anger in me directed towards the women in my life and I could never figure out why. So long as I was able to "man up" and deal with my situations alpha enough to satisfy my sexual needs without sacrificing my pride, I didn't think about it. But I was mad. And I was also insecure.

And I realized tonight it's because I had been following that serial monogamy frame. My entire life. Granted I'm only 25 years old. But still. All this time that I've been being the "good boyfriend" for these girls, and really it's not like I did anything ridiculously AFC after my first relationship. I wasn't buying sh*t all the time, I wasn't after them for attention... actually I tended to fend them off of me because I wanted more breathing room.

I couldn't get over this hyper religious conditioning. I was 18 years old and in bed, NAKED with a NAKED beautiful, fit, virgin blonde, and I could NOT bring myself to pull out the condom. It took me 20 minutes to buy the d@mn things because I was freaked out I'd run in to someone I knew.

The fallout from that relationship should have opened my eyes. She was really an idiot, to be honest, and I broke up with her, but she would still come over and give me hand jobs and stuff like that. She left her email account open at the house once and that was the first time I ever saw evidence of the c*ck carousel.

I had been the "good boyfriend". I did everything I was supposed to do. Her dad was a pastor and I even played the piano for their church. All the while, she's losing her virginity to some other guy who goes to the church. Then she starts hooking up with all these other guys.

I see so much more potential in myself than what I've become. I mean, I feel super deflated right now. I feel like I have been doing everything wrong my whole life and that this should have been an obvious thing. I dated the girls, I gave them security, they had me to fall back on to spill over their overloaded emotions, and they had some alpha to fall back on to fill up their vaginas.

It makes me angry that I never saw this and spent so much time in futility. And it makes me feel angry that I have been fully capable of starting my own c*ck carousel and have never done so. And it makes me feel insecure and borderline inadequate now to consider that even in the context of my LTR, I mean, what's the difference? What's changed? Why is this girl even with me? So that I can still keep doing the same lame @ss things I've been doing my whole life?

I only have concrete proof that one girl has cheated on me but I have a very high level of suspicion in others. And for all the accolades I give to my GF, she's still just some girl I've been pedestalling the same way I have pedestalled all these other girls. It's not white knighting because I don't want to rescue them, it's this adherence to a f*cked up idealization that doesn't exist, that because some girl wants to be a stay at home mom and has a similar set of religious views as me (even though I'm the sh*ttiest Christian I know, for real. Do not consider me a valid representation of Christianity), she's still just some girl. But I've always made it mean something more than that. And while I was getting all bent out of shape about how fortunate I was to find such a "good girl", she was riding the carousel somewhere else. If she wasn't cheating, I do know that all of my exes had sex at some point with another guy later.

And so why couldn't I make it happen with so many of them? Why would I stay tied up in these LTRs for years sometimes, without ever getting any?

Why am I doing this now? I can get head from her whenever I want, but that's it, and it's not like she's saving herself for marriage. Not that it would matter.

I know the best response to knew information like this isn't to feel like sh*t, but honestly, that's how I feel right now. I am going to go watch a King of the Hill episode and try and sleep. Tomorrow I can put a more positive spin on things.

 

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It's more than being upset about having been sold a false bill of goods. It's like being angry about willingly going to the store, getting a song and dance routine from a crooked salesman with obvious holes in it, and not just buying the product anyways but feeling good about it. If I may, this feels like the male equivalent to the female statement, "I can't believe I was so stupid" when they consent to a hookup with a guy who obviously doesn't want anything more from her than sex.

I have always considered myself a very intelligent person... I have excellent grades in college, I am well read, insightful... and that's why this gets under my skin so much.

I am religious, in a way. I have read your FR's and emphatically believe as Pook said that the more innocent a girl looks or portrays herself, the freakier she's likely to be.

It's this religion though that's really gotten under my skin, I actually fee like it has betrayed me (as though a religion were a sentient being anyways )

To be fair, my family is not representative of the common church folk that have absolutely no association with what is written in the Bible. Probably to the chagrin of most people here, they are committed to the Word and their belief system in an extremely congruent way.

I on the other hand have never been able to reconcile my sexual desires and impulses with what is taught in the scriptures and feel like that in order for me to be congruent with what I believe it would require that I sacrifice a large component of who I am. I have tried, very diligently and honestly, to live according to the principles I really do believe in, but I always end up somewhere in failure.

And this is why I am mad at the church (and ultimately myself for buying in to it and not seeing the fallacies) because it is a progenitor of this sort of nonsense. "Christian" girls, in my experience, are usually the easiest targets there are! I stopped going out sarging for a while because it was easier just to find a big church and start going to their young adult meetings and pick from there.

The Bible is very clear in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 about the Bible role of men, women, and sex and its truth seems to have wholly eluded the modern church. This creates a huge problem because the Bible's only solution to a man's sexual desire is to marry and the church is doing almost everything possible to ensure that the current generation of "Christian" females are the antithesis of "marriage material". I assume you have at least some familiarity with the church Danger - when was the last time you ever heard a religious leader instruct the female members of the congregation to submit to their husbands? And that to deny their husbands sex is morally wrong according to the Bible because it effectively strips the man of his only moral sexual outlet and leaves him open to extramarital forms of sexual temptation?

Instead, the church embraced feminism and has done quite a bit to help its cause. If you want to see how this is so, go to a Christian book store sometime and read through the relationship and marriage books they have in the self help section... they are absolutely absurd! And it was the church that invented the concept of the "born again virgin".

Furthermore, the church helps facilitate the actions of the c*ck carousel though the psychological conditioning it imparts to its male members. Men are shamed for their sexual desires because its morally wrong and should a sexual encounter ever take place between a man and the woman, the woman escapes all moral culpability for her actions because in this case (and probably this case only), the church decides it is incumbent upon the male's leadership role to prevent the damaging of her chastity. The girl is a victim; the man is a villain.

So women have a free pass to go from man to man to man because it's never going to be their fault if anyone finds out. This victim mentality further encourages the veneer of innocence they project and what's disgusting is that they may actually believe this stuff.

The "good Christian men" are given to substantial amount of guilt and shaming because they are sexual creatures and strongly encouraged to stifle their natural urges. They tend to get in to pornography as a way to mitigate their sexual desires and this further increases the guilt they assume, particularly if anyone finds out about it.

When these girls get tired of riding around on the c*ck carousel, they find one of these "good christian men" to pick from and marry. And the church applauds these guys for marrying these sl*ts!

Then, some time later, the man can't figure out why his marriage didn't end up working out. It's probably a result of the fact that he is either beta or has beta tendencies and the woman destroyed her ability to pair bond with all those rides on the carousel.

And I believed in that system. I still believe in the Bible, but I don't know how it's possible to practice a lifestyle in accordance with the Bible given the current condition of society. Believe it or not, there was a time when the church believed the scripture that says a woman should not speak in church and was not poisoned with feminism. It's not like hypergamy didn't exist back then, that something was fundamentally different between the attraction models of men and women, or that there was no SMP. All of that stuff was still there.

But nature does not dictate that life should be governed according to the terms of a woman. And people used to understand that and men used to act that way. There were measures in place in society to help prevent the rebellion of women, and I'm not talking about chastity belts. People married much younger, women at 14-16 and men at 16-18. That helped mitigate a lot of sexual desire because people had a Biblically sound mechanism to deal with their sexuality when they were entering their sexual prime.

Look at the evolution of the concept of the "boyfriend" and how it evolved from courtship. The more I think about what exactly a "boyfriend" is and how it developed from the courtship model, the more I don't want anything to do with it! Courtship was a process to determine marital compatibility. A woman had no expectation of romance/adventure, sex, or status from courtship. It was a quick process that lasted a few months at the most and was usually chaperoned. Should either the man or the woman decide that this situation was not what they were looking for, they ended it promptly and found another suitor.

Marriage was the vehicle that gave a woman access to romance/adventure, sex, and status.

Now look at the boyfriend - a vehicle to give her everything that would otherwise only be reserved for marriage.

It's not like that back then women didn't run around the back door and have promiscuous sex and that men didn't act as Dandies and seduce innocent women. But there was a social imperative imposed on society (and women) that if they were going to be "Christians", they should live according to a different standard.

So yea, I feel like I got sold a bad apple. All of a sudden, a lot of ideals I had like marriage, relationships, and love feel extremely devalued and perhaps nonfunctional, at least in the way I understood them. It's not like I don't believe in them or believe that they can be good. I definitely understood them incorrectly.

I never had a hard time getting dates, I just had a hard time with everything else, because I conceptualized the process through a relationship frame and pedestalled the "virtue" of females. I don't know if I did that because I felt overburdened by guilt to proceed further, because I had a confidence problem, or because that's really how I felt. It doesn't matter. Despite anything I thought or said, I was always outcome dependent because I was ultimately looking for a wife.

Well, thank God I never married that blonde I wrote about in the OP. She put the pressure on for marriage hard.

This gives me a lot to think about and I'm not sure how to synthesize it with what I already believe. But it's time to get back to work.

 

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Thank you Danger.

I have wanted to write a book for Christian men that discusses issues like what I've addressed here and what is being discussed in the manosphere/men's rights movement/PUA culture for about a year, but my academic work has been a bigger priority in my life. And really, I don't think I've been personally ready to do something like that. I want the book to be digestible to the average reader, but I also want it cited in an academically professional manner.

In the meantime, I can't dwell on this stuff anymore in the short term. It makes me angry in the same manner that the injustices I saw legally made me angry and drained my energy sufficiently to cause me to literally reject law school acceptances. I have more important things to do right now than to get fail this exam because I was too busy thinking about something else and getting upset.