A Little Confused!

[openuri's]

I had been seeing this women for about 3 months, she's 25 i'm 26. Things were going really well and then out of no where she said she needed some space to clear her head. So after not taking this too well for a couple of days i really gave her the space she wanted, this gave me some time to think as well and made me realise that i had focused all my energy on her and everything else in my life had just been slung on the back burner, which isn't a good place to be.

I considered the reasons why she might want the space, like i was contacting here too much, being too needy all the usual stuff i guess. But when we got together about 10 days after the whole space thing to have a chat and hang out she told me that she wasn't happy in her self but that she still loved me and it wasn't fair on me to continue things. She also said that the quys she's dated before have always treated her like crap (i didn't) and that she had cheated on them, the first just once but the second guy she cheated on 3 times. she said she didn't want to do this to me but said the thought hadn't even crossed her mind. When i dropped her home that night i could tell from how she was looking that this was something that she didn't want to be doing, i could see the pain in her eyes. She said she still wants to see me but not in the same way we had been, so i said what jus friends? she said that she doesn't see me as jus a friend. She has been as honest as anyone ever could be from the very start, telling a lot of very personal stuff that she says she wouldn't usually tell people. She said that for some reason she feels that she jus can't keep anything from me and has to tell me everything.

She asked me to text her to say i was home safely, as she always did, so i did, then she writes straight back and says i'm gorgeous and wonderful! i send a short reply then she writes back "jus to let you know this really hurts" !

I see her the following weekend with a couple of other male friends, i pick her up first (as i was driving) then head off to pick the others up. In the car she jus says to me "I've missed you" and i say (rightly or wrongly) "i've missed you to". The night goes on nothing else really happens, i drop her home last, usually i'd stop the car and we'd talk but i left the engine goin and jus said goodnight, she leant in and kissed me on the cheek and me her.

I know she still has a lot of strong feelings for me, I want her back, not sure about the cheating think, what should i do?

 

[MacAvoy]

Buy her a ring and tell her you can't live without her?



Have you read the bible? Do you know what this site is about? Do you realize what your saying and what your asking?

 

[openuri's]

I am Being everything that i don't want to be, i have let this woman get under my skin, i have given up far to much of myself already, i must live my life, get out there enjoy my hobbies, my own company and my friends, i must endeavor to be the best i can be, have the most fun i can have without needing anyone else to provide my happiness, that happiness must come from within and that in turn will attract great things to me.

I apologize for my first post, i know the answers to everything in there, just looking for validation.

Thanks for your reply, don't think you could have said it better than you did.

 

[decades]

She is trouble and has given you an OUT. I suggest you take it and end it completely. All you have to do is throw her words back in her face. Just repeat what she said to you and say I AGREE WITH YOU. Except you are going to Exit 100%. Do not be her friend. Do not be her backup boyfriend. Do not be someone she tells her secrets to. This is over. Its now DOA. Now she wants to use you.

She now has the freedom to see others AND she can call upon you when she needs you. This is how she wants things set up. She has designed things the way she likes to have them and you are the backup man just in case she needs an ego boost.

Don't be her pawn. Don't be used. Move on 100% and start working on your neediness. It must be a Clean break or you will not fix yourself. Your need for female companionship got you into this situation. Before getting sucked in like this again, you need to know yourself better and work on your neediness issues. You have to be more self reliant and less needy of other people, especially women. When you eradicate your neediness, you will have better relationships with healthier women.

 

[joekerr31]

what she is doing, whether she realizes it or not, is making herself the prize.

sounds pretty odd eh? i mean, how does breaking away from a guy and telling him you are a cheater make you the prize.

well, first she's creating the 'save a ho' paradigm. trust me, whether consciously or subconsciously, women know that one of the most powerful ways of attracting a man is to act like their life is a mess and they can't sort their problems out. time and time again a man JUMPS in head first to rescue them. its perhaps even more of a draw than sex itself for a lot of guys.

its the 'save a ho' complex that allows you to ignore completely dysfunctional, in appropriate behavior! basically, she's turned her weakness into a strength. she's taking complete irrational behavior and is using it to increase your attraction to her.

at the end of the day, this situation resolves itself (if you keep going as is) with you handing your balls over to her.

but what YOU are thinking is that you will save the ho and then she will realize what an amazing guy you were sticking by her side while she went through a tough time. how patient you were when she was behaving badly. and that she will be so thankful to have you in her life and treat you like you've always wanted to be treated from hereon in .

guess what? it AIN'T going to happen.

what will happen is this.

1) she ain't going to resolve her issues. perhaps if she asked for space and really did go fix her issues i might believe it was possible. but she ain't fixing her issues - pushing you away and pulling you back over and over suggests she hasn't fixed anything.

2) never trust someone who sees themselves as a victim. which she obviously does 'boo hoo i've had a bad life. so don't get upset with me when i have sex with your best friend. i was treated badly and now i can't control myself."

3) she'll come back to you AFTER you've basically shown that no matter how f*cked up she behaves you'll stick around. instead of appreciating this, all this does is let her know that you are a major AFC and that no matter how much she screws with you, you won't go anywhere. which for a chic who is 99.9% guaranteed to screw over the guy she's with, is an appealing trait for LTR.

4) things will be great for about 6 months as you play captain save a ho. then things will get old. you'll start to find her dysfunctions annoying. she'll slowly stop seeing you as captain save a ho. at which point she will either try to get pregnant so that she can turn you in to captain pay a ho OR she will go off and find another guy.


a couple of quick points:

1) people dont 'change' until they hit ROCK bottom. she's a cheater. she's still a cheater. she just aint cheating at this moment.

2) if you REALLY meant that much to her she would not risk losing you. think about it, if someone REALLY REALLY means the world to you, do you push them away? she does like you, but she wants power over you, and that is all this is. because if she treats you like this and you still hang on like a sad little puppy waiting for his master to give him his dinner, she knows SHE runs the show.


anyway, my advice is to cut loose. tell her that you are looking for a healthy, happy, functional relationship and becuase she seems unable to provide you with that at this time, you have to move on.

now she will try all kinds of stuff to keep the situation going. she will get mad at you perhaps. or she'll act like shes fine with it for a couple of weeks then try to starts things over. she might play the victim and apologize and cry.

if you fall for these things, then things will be fine for a while and then she will go back to her regular bs. theres a good chance this will also cause her to cheat because she will resent you for pressuring her.

anyway, this situation is the exact reason why playing captain save a ho is never a good idea.

 

[Latinoman]

Excellent points!

 

[STR8UP]

Be glad she has enough integrity and respects you enough to come break it off with you BEFORE she fukks around on you. Trust me, this chick did you a huge favor, you just don't realize it.

WALK AWAY.

 

[Tazman]

out of no where she said she needed some space to clear her head.

she told me that she wasn't happy in her self but that she still loved me and it wasn't fair on me to continue things.

She also said that the quys she's dated before have always treated her like crap (i didn't) and that she had cheated on them, the first just once but the second guy she cheated on 3 times. she said she didn't want to do this to me but said the thought hadn't even crossed her mind.

Please understand that all this dialog is supposed to be a gentle way for someone to "dump" someone else. Don't read anything else into it, that's the bottom line. However, it serves three purposes, one is that by dumping you this way there is less feeling of guilt because her head just isn't clear (she'd like you to believe), two pretty much means that sex is out of the question, and three is you'll be kept on a leash (or strung along with ambiguity) in case all other options fall through.

When i dropped her home that night i could tell from how she was looking that this was something that she didn't want to be doing, i could see the pain in her eyes.

She wouldn't have done it if she didn't truly want to.

I know she still has a lot of strong feelings for me, I want her back, not sure about the cheating think, what should i do?

Cut off all contact and leave her alone, give her all the space she could ever want.