A little advice needed please

[UnsworthK]

Hi guys, i've been browsing this forum for a while and observing the site and i think what you all do is great. I've learned loads from just reading posts and looking at articles and first of all I would like to thank you for this.

It has only recently however come to my attention that i have a problem of my own, and was wondering if you guys could give me some advice on what i should do to put my mind at ease, so here goes.

I'm from England, UK, and i went to a party about 2 weeks ago and met this Polish girl, and we have been seeing eachother since then. We've been texting eachother quite a bit, until recently. Basically on thursday, i got drunk and rung her when she was in bed and had to be up early. I think this pissed her off a bit and the following day she said she was really mad at me.

I went to a party at her house the next day and she was still moody and being a ***** to me. She then decided to text me a bit on saturday before she went out clubbing. So on sunday, i text her in the morning asking how was the night out, and she didnt reply for about 5 hours, this unlike her i rung her and asked her why she didnt reply. She answered the phone with "what do you want?" And when i asked her why she didnt reply to the text, she said "because i didnt". Anyway she said she was busy doing an assignment so i left her to it.

I havent spoken to her at all today but im planning on ringing her tomorrow evening to ask her if ive done something to upset her. I met her friend at her party and she says that the girl talks about me all the time.

I was wondering if this is the best plan of action to go with for the way she is treating me? cos im pretty sure you guys could help me out a lot her on what is going on in her head.

feed back will be appreciated greatly, cheers

 

[Iceberg]

You've been too easily-accessible.

You hooked up two weeks ago, and you've been texting everyday since then. You thought that this behavior would build attraction, but it has achieved the opposite. It always achieves the opposite. Because it's boring.

Girls want a challenge. If you just hand over your balls 2 weeks into dating a girl, she'll look at the situation and say "Well...that was easy." and walk away.

The best way to handle this going forward is to go NC (No Contact). Leave her alone. She's already being rude with you, so I'm gonna guess that it's over. But if you want a chance with woman, then she needs to see that you're slipping away.

With only 2 weeks of dating, and her already being b1tchy with you, I don't see why she'd care. But hey, you want a shot....well this is your shot.

 

[UnsworthK]

That sounds about right to me. I'll slip off the radar for a while and go no contact. Do i wait for her to initiate in that case?

 

[PDubb75]

Welcome to the forum, first of all.

Secondly... STOP! I can point out a few problems already.

1) Texting waaaayyyyy too much - There are many posts on here, especially recently, going into detail why texting not only doesn't help your chances but also hurts your chances. I disagreed with it somewhat at first, but after trying both ways myself, I agree that texting does more harm than good.

2) She was being a b!tch and, at least from your story, you just kept talking to her. This gives the impression that you give her a higher value than you give yourself. You shouldn't let anyone treat you that way, especially if you did nothing to deserve it. You can't expect someone else to respect you, if you don't show that you respect yourself.

3) Asking her why she didn't reply to your text. After she was being a b!tch to you, she ignored your text for hours. That tells you that shes losing interest. By asking her, not only are you bringing it to her attention even more, but you are coming off very needy and insecure. It's obvious in that context that you asked her that question because you were looking to her for validation that your relationship is ok. This will NOT help the situation.

Same thing goes for calling her to ask her if you upset her. I strongly advise against that. What you have told us in your post seems pretty clear that her interest is fading. Despite what her friend said. Actions speak louder than words, especially when the words came from someone uninvolved.

My advice at this point would be to stop contacting her. Don't call, don't text. It sounds to me that you have started coming across very needy. If your actions shift to not contacting her, that impression of neediness is going to disappear. If she contacts you, I personally would respond, but act somewhat distant, as if you aren't too excited to be talking to her.

Let us know how it goes. Some other people may have some other opinions on this too. See what they have to say. Good luck!

 

[Mike32ct]

Iceberg and Pdubb are both spot on.

Unfortunately, it is very easy to scr$w up and kill the attraction early on. Your only option is to go no contact. Do not contact her unless she contacts you first.

If she does contact you (not likely but possible), act a little distant like pdubb said. If she persists with the b&tchy attitude, drop her.

 

[UnsworthK]

Thanks alot for the replies guys, I think pdubb has hit the nail on the head especially. Im hoping she does contact me because i did like her, but like you say, acting distant would prove effective in that case, although i doubt she will contact me at all now after this, especially what you said about calling her after she didn't respond to the text.

 

[mahoney]

its not so much that your are too accessible, it is more that you are crowding her too much

1) the usual problem of too much texting, though this seems a minor part of the problem in this case

2) calling when drunk and shes in bed, its not too huge of an issue in itself, you can annoy someone without it being the end of the world. a person can be mad for a short period of time it doesnt mean they'll stay mad

3) Asking why she didn't respond to your text < THIS IS A BIG NO-NO. never do this. it sounds accusatory, if she feels obligated to answer everything in a certain timeframe she's going to feel pressured, it also makes you look possessive and intense. the other two problems aren't terrible in themselves, but this one is the main part of the problem.

now you want to call her again and ask what her problem is again? its all too intense, there shouldn't even be a problem to talk about. either let her text/call you next, or if you want to go first then make the next call/text interesting, fun, something she'll be glad to hear, don't crowd her with "whats wrong" nonsense. give a bit of space, play it by ear but don't be a stresshead.

and when you speak to her i wouldnt sound distant or whatever it makes it look like there is a problem or you are put out, already the fun is disappearing here. just be natural, play it by ear, but be natural

 

[UnsworthK]

Thanks for your reply mahoney. The only reason i asker her that is because she has replied to pretty much every text so far so it was just out of the ordinary. Now you say too much texting, which i fully agree with, but i dont even like texting. The only reason i text her is because my friends said you have to reply to show that you are interested, but where is the balance between showing you are still interested and texting too much?

 

[mahoney]

when you send a txt - before you send it, look at it, read it. is it good? is it something worth sending? if not, dont send it. most of the problems with excessive texting aren't just that there are too many texts, its that they are aimless and boring, this makes the overtexting even worse - if you don't know why are you sending something, then why are you sending it?

quality. not quantity

don't show her you are interested. show her you are INTERESTING.

 

[UnsworthK]

Wise words sir. I've just read Pook's 15 lessons, this stuff is starting to make a little more sense now.

 

[Iceberg]

when you send a txt - before you send it, look at it, read it. is it good? is it something worth sending? if not, dont send it. most of the problems with excessive texting aren't just that there are too many texts, its that they are aimless and boring, this makes the overtexting even worse - if you don't know why are you sending something, then why are you sending it?

quality. not quantity

don't show her you are interested. show her you are INTERESTING.

Good points.

Also. Instead of having texts conversations, I tend to fit everything necessary into one text.

"How's it goin? Worked til 2am last night. My ass is kicked. What are you up to Thurs? Let's get drinks."

With most kids, that text would go...

"Hey."
Wait for response.
"I worked til 2am last night!!!"
Wait for response.
"My ass is kicked!"
etc, etc etc...

I don't text for the sake of texting. I text to make plans. And sometimes, I'll add some small talk around the plans, just to make a girl laugh or whatever. But most of my text "conversations" don't last beyond 2 or 3 replies.

 

[bigneil]

This goes beyond mistakes you made. This girl was a complete A-hole and was totally disrespectful. "What do you want"?

You can't make someone be disrespectful like that, even if you were AFC. So understand you just chose the wrong girl. Her coldness would have surfaced again and again, trust me.

Walk away. Lose her unless she profusely apologizes for talking to you that way.

Side note: Texting is a self-normalizing behavior. Always wait until they text back and you are naturally giving her space. That was one of the few things that went right in my most recent relationship from hell. I would give her 24 hours if needed (even though she would freak out if I didn't reply). Especially if they are out with friends or at a party or someplace where you naturally want to check up on them. She later said "You give me my space - I like that".

A good rule of thumb: always assume they slept with someone else last night - how would you act then? Unless they are writing to you first (or they slept with you last night), you wouldn't say much.

 

[UnsworthK]

Your right Neil. She was a nasty ass little ***** to be honest, and she had a wizard's sleeve anyway. Imma walk, and sling that silly "I love you" keyring she gave me right through her letterbox so she can give it to some other tool who puts up with her stank ass behaviour.

 

[bigneil]

As Doc Love said, the second most important thing to Interest Level is her Attitude. That is comprised of honesty, flexibility and giving. Ask yourself "Would I go into business with this person"? Women come pre-wired with their attitude - sadly, you can not change it. Hot women and especially dumb, hot women normally have an abysmal attitude. Why? Because men let them get away with their bad behavior. Do us all a service and dump her.

I wouldn't give the keyring back - that only makes it seem like you really care. It won't phase her anyway. They see signs of love and hate as the same thing - interest. Show apathy and indifference. And remember there's always a good chance she'll text you when you least expect (or need) it. Only then can you make demands, but whining about what she did is also a bad idea. Women seem to have ESP about when you meet someone better.

 

[UnsworthK]

Right I see that would be quite silly, just feeding her more attention which is what she wants. What do you mean by ESP?

 

[PDubb75]

What do you mean by ESP?

ESP, Extrasensory perception, involves reception of information not gained through the recognized physical senses but sensed with the mind. (Wikipedia)

What he meant by that was, sometimes it's crazy how girls seem to come crawling back once you find someone else. You hear stories all of the time where a guy is waiting for a girl to call back and it never happens. He finally moves on, finds someone else, and all of the sudden he gets a call from the ex.

Sometimes it seems like they had to know somehow, even when it really isn't possible that they could.

Same thing applies when you have a g/f and go out. Girls seem to be drawn to you more when you are taken. Go figure...

 

[UnsworthK]

Aha, yes ESP. I know exactly what you mean, its happened to me before too.

 

[mahoney]

when that happens its simply that you stopped crowding them and started acting normal and relaxed again instead of crowding them and being too earnest, intense and overinvested,