Interceptor
Master Don Juan
Then this means your Opinion is meaningless.
And I leave you to your meaningless existence.
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
A life without validation?
- Thread starter Huffman
- Start date
And I leave you to your meaningless existence.
"She's Out of Your League"
You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.
Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.
She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.
Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.
LovelyLady
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2007
- Messages
- 437
- Reaction score
- 41
I've been thinking about the OP topic - great post!
Validation implies leaving the power to others to determine your value. It leaves them the power to make the list of requirements that determines your value. It is performance oriented and lets "others" then make the rules that you live by.
This is problematic for various reasons (besides the obvious damage to the soul) there is the more practical aspect: the "list of requirements to establish validation/approval" is different with every person - and also, even one key person (lover) can also change their "list of requirements" over time and you will live a life constantly pushed around by other's expectations and requirements. it has the makings for living a crazy, split life.
To be loved and accepted as you are - for who you are - this is key to the human soul experience in the body. (This is not validation and therefore not performance/approval oriented).
To give and receive the gift of experiencing others and being experienced as a "work in progress" and perfectly imperfect as we journey from day to day - this is a treasured gift we have the power to give to one another.
Validation implies leaving the power to others to determine your value. It leaves them the power to make the list of requirements that determines your value. It is performance oriented and lets "others" then make the rules that you live by.
This is problematic for various reasons (besides the obvious damage to the soul) there is the more practical aspect: the "list of requirements to establish validation/approval" is different with every person - and also, even one key person (lover) can also change their "list of requirements" over time and you will live a life constantly pushed around by other's expectations and requirements. it has the makings for living a crazy, split life.
To be loved and accepted as you are - for who you are - this is key to the human soul experience in the body. (This is not validation and therefore not performance/approval oriented).
To give and receive the gift of experiencing others and being experienced as a "work in progress" and perfectly imperfect as we journey from day to day - this is a treasured gift we have the power to give to one another.
Interceptor
Master Don Juan
Validation in reality, for it to be Healthy, MUST be based on things that do NOT change.
External factors DO Change.
That is why as LL essentially explains, you will be building your house on sand...
Most validation is really Ego feeding.
But when you have Self Esteem, you have a mature, and healthy perspective on who you are, and what you feel your 'worth' really IS.
Now, feedback IS Helpful.
But what we must keep in mind,is the Proper Perspective to HEAR that feedback.
It's great to be told "Hey you did a great job!"
But to NEED someone to say it to you in order for you to feel good about yourself is unhealthy, and NOT the way the world works.
When you confuse what you want with what you NEED , then you have lost proper perspective.
External factors DO Change.
That is why as LL essentially explains, you will be building your house on sand...
Most validation is really Ego feeding.
But when you have Self Esteem, you have a mature, and healthy perspective on who you are, and what you feel your 'worth' really IS.
Now, feedback IS Helpful.
But what we must keep in mind,is the Proper Perspective to HEAR that feedback.
It's great to be told "Hey you did a great job!"
But to NEED someone to say it to you in order for you to feel good about yourself is unhealthy, and NOT the way the world works.
When you confuse what you want with what you NEED , then you have lost proper perspective.
Cry For Love
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2007
- Messages
- 294
- Reaction score
- 6
I think that any person needs reassurance that the ideas based on which he is living are correct.
For the typical ball-less guy that means getting outside validation, those are a big priority in his mental world of thought. Because as he puts the direction of his life to the hands of the society, he also expects society to give the feedback signal that he is doing the right thing.
A man of self realisation however gives his life a meaning by doing what he wants and gets his validation from the accomplishment of the task at hand.
The fact that a person still needs outside assurance means that he is still not doing exactly what he would like to be in his own world of ideas, not going after his inside ambitions so he needs to compensate that by getting other folks say, yes buddy its fine youre a good man.
For the typical ball-less guy that means getting outside validation, those are a big priority in his mental world of thought. Because as he puts the direction of his life to the hands of the society, he also expects society to give the feedback signal that he is doing the right thing.
A man of self realisation however gives his life a meaning by doing what he wants and gets his validation from the accomplishment of the task at hand.
The fact that a person still needs outside assurance means that he is still not doing exactly what he would like to be in his own world of ideas, not going after his inside ambitions so he needs to compensate that by getting other folks say, yes buddy its fine youre a good man.
"I'm Not Looking for Anything Serious Right Now"
When a woman says it, guys hear a confession. A heads-up. A scheduling conflict.
Here's the translation: I don't feel anything. Right now. With you.
Watch what happens when a man triggers actual attraction. The busy career, the recent breakup, the "not in a place to date" — all of it evaporates instantly. The same woman who was guarding her freedom is suddenly free every night.
The "22 Rules" explain why. When the right switches flip, her timeline rearranges itself around you.
Ok, we have a hunger for human contact. It helps us raise our consciousness. But you can raise your consciousness alone.
Like any pleasure, if you can't go without it it owns you.
Enjoy it, but don't let identify with it.
Enjoy your freedom more.
Like any pleasure, if you can't go without it it owns you.
Enjoy it, but don't let identify with it.
Enjoy your freedom more.
dannyegg4575
Senior Don Juan
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2007
- Messages
- 311
- Reaction score
- 11
Isn't this what parental conditioning did to us?
Isn't this what we are taught in school?
Isn't this what we are taught in our workplace?
It's everywhere. At home, we need our parents to tell us they love us, to have them validate us otherwise, we will feel we're simply not good enough? Is that not what a lot of parents do to their children?
In school, are we not taught that getting a particular grade would make us better people? smart people? otherwise, we're just dumb? Are these messages not subliminally drilled into our heads? If we were to go to the washroom during class, are we not required to put our hands up and ask for permission? Are we not to conform to the rules society impose upon us?
In our workplace, if we don't do what our boss say, are we not afraid that we'll be laid off?
Are we not all the same approval seeking individuals? How can we not be when we are conditioned since childhood?
Those who were never in the relationship they seek validation from the opposite sex, as pointed out numerous times by others that they simply aren't good enough and need external factors to fill them. As the movie "Love Guru" Mike Myers quotes, "I want to be a love guru so that girls can love me so that I can love myself." lol
It's ironic and we laugh but it's also what a lot of people do.
The problem is not in seeking validation, I think the problem when we are in the relationship where power is unevenly distributed. Too much power shift to one side, and the other feels suffocated. Too little power and the weaker of the two feels like he/she's not being heard.
Being a man takes tremendous amount of strength. It is not just what he needs to learn to do, it is also his duty to keep his family together if he wants to lead the team. It used to be that women are the caretaker and the one to stay home and look after the kids. Now, this is no longer the case. Women now have more power now to go out in the work force. Which means she also has the right to say or do as she pleases. So, now who is to carry the emotional duty of keeping stability in the relationship?
It used to be that women would choose her man, the man makes the money brings home the bacon. She would do her share, takes care of the house, the kids, the family. Now, it's equally shared. But guess what guys, she has more options because she has more guys after her. Meaning, she too can leave you when someone better comes along. Since money is no longer an issue...
The whole point of having a significant other is so that we can both encourage each other and give strength to each other. It is written in most marriage vows in case a lot of us have forgotten. Problem is, nowadays, those marriage vows don't mean much to a lot of people.
It is not approval seeking, it is in sharing your views on things.
"hey honey, I'm going to get the new car. what do you think?"
Is that validation? no, it's asking opinion about something before doing it. Because when you're together, you're suppose to be a team, suppose to be on the same boat.
Isn't this what we are taught in school?
Isn't this what we are taught in our workplace?
It's everywhere. At home, we need our parents to tell us they love us, to have them validate us otherwise, we will feel we're simply not good enough? Is that not what a lot of parents do to their children?
In school, are we not taught that getting a particular grade would make us better people? smart people? otherwise, we're just dumb? Are these messages not subliminally drilled into our heads? If we were to go to the washroom during class, are we not required to put our hands up and ask for permission? Are we not to conform to the rules society impose upon us?
In our workplace, if we don't do what our boss say, are we not afraid that we'll be laid off?
Are we not all the same approval seeking individuals? How can we not be when we are conditioned since childhood?
Those who were never in the relationship they seek validation from the opposite sex, as pointed out numerous times by others that they simply aren't good enough and need external factors to fill them. As the movie "Love Guru" Mike Myers quotes, "I want to be a love guru so that girls can love me so that I can love myself." lol
It's ironic and we laugh but it's also what a lot of people do.
The problem is not in seeking validation, I think the problem when we are in the relationship where power is unevenly distributed. Too much power shift to one side, and the other feels suffocated. Too little power and the weaker of the two feels like he/she's not being heard.
Being a man takes tremendous amount of strength. It is not just what he needs to learn to do, it is also his duty to keep his family together if he wants to lead the team. It used to be that women are the caretaker and the one to stay home and look after the kids. Now, this is no longer the case. Women now have more power now to go out in the work force. Which means she also has the right to say or do as she pleases. So, now who is to carry the emotional duty of keeping stability in the relationship?
It used to be that women would choose her man, the man makes the money brings home the bacon. She would do her share, takes care of the house, the kids, the family. Now, it's equally shared. But guess what guys, she has more options because she has more guys after her. Meaning, she too can leave you when someone better comes along. Since money is no longer an issue...
The whole point of having a significant other is so that we can both encourage each other and give strength to each other. It is written in most marriage vows in case a lot of us have forgotten. Problem is, nowadays, those marriage vows don't mean much to a lot of people.
It is not approval seeking, it is in sharing your views on things.
"hey honey, I'm going to get the new car. what do you think?"
Is that validation? no, it's asking opinion about something before doing it. Because when you're together, you're suppose to be a team, suppose to be on the same boat.