A life without validation?

[Huffman]

It has always been said that you must not be dependant on validation.
That you must not become addicted to it.

Yet, no matter how great you [think you] are, there are days where you're simply a little down.
We all struggle with these moods, some call it "bad state" or "not in the zone".

Why is it, then, that a simple hug makes you feel so good?
The hug is, of course, validation on a primal level (as in I like you).
Let's say the hug comes from somebody you're not sexually interested in, it's just a friendly hug.

Why is it that we cannot generate that "value" within ourselves? In the end, can one truly live without any validation?

 

[connor32]

this validation causes our brains to release serotonin and other chemicals that literally make us feel good. in caveman times it was important for a memeber of the tribe to be accepted and validated, this helped ensure survival. alot of what we seek goes back to our furthest ancestors. ex. when we get nervous our bodies release adrenaline. adrenaline would help our ancestors flee an animal attack. these days adrenaline just make us nervous on dates.

 

[Huffman]

While it's interesting to know the hormonal details, I'd rather like to focus on the issue of yourself needing validation to feel good.

The idea would be to generate your sense of value (confidence) all by yourself, without external influences (e.g. needing a hug sometimes).
Is it really possible? Or rather a distant goal you should strive to achieve?

 

[Kaim Argonar]

Anyone would become pissed as **** when he realizes that no matter how pure and high his self-esteem his, in the end it's nothing but little schemes that only exist in his mind.

The physical body still looks, longs for material manifestations of these good feelings and refuses to allow them to be in the mind in the long run if said stimulus isn't received.

Being hugged by the opposite sex is a primal human need and no amount of psychological bettering can compensate for it.

cue all the BUBUBUBUBUBU YOU CAN BE SATISFIED WITH ONLY YOUR ESTEEM LIKE AN ASCETIC MONK FOR YEARS ON END

 

[Huffman]

I thought along these lines... sometimes, you just have to acknowledge your needs instead of rationalizing them away.

The issue may be guys becoming overly infatuated with validation - and they feel down if they don't get as much one day. It's hard not to get addicted.

Keep em coming guys.

 

[Interceptor]

Huff, why do you assume that "we cannot generate Value"?


If you figure that out, the rest will take care of itself and make sense.

Also keep in mind, that there is a difference betwen the Ego needing 'validation', and your self esteem, because of your RECOGNITION of who you are, what you have to offer, and your overall value you bring to the table, PLUS....that all you really need is recognition that you have a right to live your life, you deserve love and respect and affection, and you deserve to live out the Life you want (as long as you do no harm).

 

[The Bat]

Why is it that we cannot generate that "value" within ourselves? In the end, can one truly live without any validation?

This is what makes you and I, a human.

Validation can come in all forms. A hug, a pat on the back, a genuine smile, a firm handshake, a genuine thank you, etc. are all forms of validation.

So, to answer your second question, NO it would not be possible to live a healthy, fulfilling life without any validation. Sure, you can live without any validation...just look at solitary confined prisoners. Now, I realize that is an extreme example, but your question requires an extreme answer.

The problem with AFC's and PUA's is that they seek only one form of validation in their lives: one that of opposite sex, something sexual in nature. The AFC seeks validation via transforming into an emotional tampon and a blabbering poet. The PUA seeks validation via implementing his pick up techniques and using crafted conversations. The end goal for both is the same: validation from the opposite sex.

What you have to realize is that there are other forms of validation besides self-validation. And these forms must be so broad and general in nature that you do not need validation from opposite sex. It would certainly be nice and uplifting but you don't need it.

Every great man (and woman) that lives with us, and have lived before us, has required validation from outside sources to some degree. The key is to not rely on the outside sources for validation.

Because if the outside sources are your primary source for validation, then what will you do when they fail to show up? What will you do when your parents pass? What will you do when your friends turn their backs on you? What will you do when other people change their minds about you? What will you do when your girl leaves you?

I advocate using outside sources as supplementary to your self-validation. Supplementary, in its simplest terms, means to add on to, enhance, and provide that "oomph".

And it's not a real paradox to say that you don't need validation from others, yet you do. The difference is that if you were to not wake up tomorrow, you could go to bed knowing that you have lived a complete and fulfilling life to the best of your abilities. Someone primarily, and not supplementary, depended on others for validation would not be able to say such a thing...they would go to bed saying, "Well, that could've went better."

See the difference?

 

[Maxtro]

In the end, can one truly live without any validation?

Of course not. First off, a baby that never receives an validation will die. They need to be picked up, shown love, talked to, shown validation.

Can you imagine living a life where nobody acknowledges you? A life of no affection, no support, no companionship. That's basically the same thing as living on a deserted island by yourself.

But it is possible to become addicted to and desire much more validation than is necessary for human life. Nobody needs to be told that somebody loves them every single day and nobody needs everybody to like them.

There is a balance that must be met. The key is finding that balance.

 

[Huffman]

Thanks for your answers, got to let that sink in for a bit.

Just a quick reply to your question:

Huff, why do you assume that "we cannot generate Value"?

I feel like the value that I generate for myself, which in turn makes me able to accept and love myself, is often kind of feeble when compared to the strong validation I often receive from others.

I know how the whole concept works, but I find it kind of hard to put all that theory into practice.

 

[Alle_Gory]

A life without validation?

Welcome to my life. It can get pretty cold.

 

[slaog]

A life without validation?

Welcome to my life. It can get pretty cold.

Mine too, thats why I'm trying hard to generate value from within and I'm getting results although I'm far from where I want to be.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Mine too, thats why I'm trying hard to generate value from within and I'm getting results although I'm far from where I want to be.

Same here. I'm not stressing it. Its a ride, and hopefully I can get to that destination and past it sooner than later.

 

[Interceptor]

Thanks for your answers, got to let that sink in for a bit.

Just a quick reply to your question:

I feel like the value that I generate for myself, which in turn makes me able to accept and love myself, is often kind of feeble when compared to the strong validation I often receive from others.

I know how the whole concept works, but I find it kind of hard to put all that theory into practice.

Huff,
you must recognize that you are worthy and are worthy of love and affection.
You deserve opportunities and good healthy circumstances in your Life.


This is all true.

It is NOT a lie.

I am not trying to deceive you.

YOU'RE the one who has to do the work to fully recognize these beliefs in yourself.

Once you accept yourself and accept that you are as good as anyone else, and you have strengths and weaknesses, but you strive to maintain and develop High Character, then that IS GOOD ENOUGH.

You dont have to be some Superman to be good person, or boyfriend, or husband or father.

When you receive Validation from others, you are receiving a childlike, immature reassurance from external sources.

You become reliant on OTHERS telling you that 'you are good enough' or 'worthy'.

This is your EGO being fed.
The same EGO you had when you were a little child, and didnt know any better. But now...you're an adult.

Truth is, you dont NEED people to tell you you are good enough or worthy.

And to become dependent on it, is NOT a good place to be in.

 

[The Bat]

I feel like the value that I generate for myself, which in turn makes me able to accept and love myself, is often kind of feeble when compared to the strong validation I often receive from others.

I know how the whole concept works, but I find it kind of hard to put all that theory into practice.

Here, read this:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=142890

Especially, read the reply Interceptor posts to the question that I ask him.

Bookmark this thread (and the one I linked). Read it often. Come back to it, and read it more. Pay attention to everything. Internalize it. Put it in practice...somehow. Figure it out. Nobody can tell you how to put this into practice. That's something you are going to have to do. And let me tell you, that part is the best part of this whole process.

Figure out yourself and you will figure out the value of your life.

 

[Scars]

I think validation is important, but it's not as important as people make it out to be. I don't need people to tell me they love me everyday to feel wanted. And like interceptor said, it's not good to be dependant on it. It's dangerous.

 

[Technical1]

I've been living far away from my family and friends for two years now, and I work two jobs and have to make ends meet, etc. I find it really refreshing to HAVE to rely on yourself. It sucks at first. It really sucks. It takes along time before you learn to live without someone "pulling you up". You have to become responsible for your own moods, i.e. for putting yourself in a good mood always.

As I slowly get used to living like this, and start to really enjoy it, the feeling of power is incredible. Beyond my professional connections, I don't "need" anyone, even my parents. Becoming self-sufficient. I prefer living with friends and family to living without it, but to achieve real self-sufficiency is something every man should force himself to do once in his life. Too many people always have their circle of friends, always have their girlfriend, always have their parents to fall back on. All this comes with a price.

 

[Kaim Argonar]

In spite of my opinion I do know that self-esteem, your desires, ambitions and passions are what make you as a person.

The lovers you get, the kind of job you have, the relationships that you form... most of these things wilt away with time and are only secondary elements in your life's background.

When I think about my passions, my opinions for hours on end I feel amazing. I know I'm just an ordinary guy who won't ever make a difference but yet these feeble schemes are so fascinating. I like to think of grand things, I try to explore concepts that haven't been explored yet.

This is what your life is about, this is the baggage you'll carry until you're on your death bed. This is what makes you daydream as you swift through your days.

This side of me is a treasure I wouldn't part with for anything else. All else is worthless in comparison.

 

[The Wanderer]

This is a question I wrestle with often. It unsettles me when I'm in a negative mood, can't find the inner strength to pull myself out of it, but then I'll have a friendly interaction with somebody and I feel better. Of course its good to feel better after socializing...but the dependence on social support to compensate for a lack of inner strength really bothers me...I see it as a weakness that needs to be fixed.

Ideally...I would be able to control my frame of mind internally, and validation from others would simply be icing on the cake. As social creatures, it is our nature to be dependent on others for support, but I see it as a higher goal to rise above that dependency.

It seems to me that answers to this question could be found in the realm of buddhist philosophy and meditative practices...however that is just the approach I would choose and is by no means the only answer. Just reading through this thread...it seems that many others have some wise and insightful views on this.

 

[Infamous_Wolf]

Why is it that we cannot generate that "value" within ourselves? In the end, can one truly live without any validation?

The human mind is extremely complex. A super computer in your skull made out of tissue and nerves capable of the most abstract thought and the strangest self-preservation mechanisms. Humans create the need for validation to give themselves the illusion that their life means something. That great question, "Why are we here? What is the meaning of life?" is a fruitless search, a way for the people to distract from themselves from the most basic purpose of life on this earth, to create more life. to procreate and ensure the survival of the species. validation that such things as love, religion, spirituality, and society provide are essential to human survival. If you knew that your life stood for practically nothing, you are simply a miniscule speck in the vast reaches of the universe. no more meaningful than the bacteria on your bathroom counter. None of the things we do on this planet mean anything, time and space will grind on until reality itself withers into nothingness.

We mean nothing.

But the amazing human brain creates the concept of validation to give you reason to live. And do not let this fool you, life is an amazing thing. You need to get out and experience **** while you can. you're not going to be here forever, so make best of the time you have left. Because even though your life is meaningless in the scheme of the world, you should die knowing you had the most frackin' awesome existence you could. You grew, you evolved and became what you were intended to be, a man.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Truth is, you dont NEED people to tell you you are good enough or worthy.

And to become dependent on it, is NOT a good place to be in.

You NEED some kind of feedback, sometime.